Posted by Thanatos on February 26, 2000 at 16:38:08:
I haven't posted here before. Here's a story that I wrote last year that people here might like.
regards
Thanatos
TRANSCRIPT 517-8 (c) Thanatos Reborn 1999
517 = subject 517
Int = interviewer
Int: 'OK, so I'm switching the tape on here. Er, this is interview with Subject five-one-seven, interview number eight. Are you comfortable there? You might be more comfortable if you lie down on the couch... yes, that's fine.
So, you mentioned on the phone that something was bothering you. Would you like to tell me about it?'
517: 'Can we turn off that light there...? Yes, that one...'
517: '...that's better, thank you. Well, I've been having these... feelings, and I had an... experience, and some of the feelings bother me, and I wanted to talk them out.'
Int: 'So let's talk. What kinds of feelings were they?'
517: 'Well, they were... sexual feelings, but the way I experienced them has made me feel kinda... guilty, I guess.'
Int: 'There's nothing wrong with having sexual feelings. Why do you feel guilty?'
517: 'Well, it's kinda difficult. How about if I tell you what happened, so you can understand.'
Int: 'OK. Go right ahead.'
517: 'Well, you know I do some acting work to fill in sometimes.'
Int: 'Yes. You told me that some time ago, but you never elaborated.'
517: 'Well, I do bit parts in films, for independent producers, you know, that sort of thing.'
Int: 'What... sort of thing?'
517: 'Oh, you know, soft porn, some T&A, that sort of stuff...'
Int: 'Is that what makes you feel guilty? Taking part in these films?'
517: 'Oh no... I never, you know, DO anything... I might show my breasts, or my ass, but that's about it. I've taken the odd part for years. It doesn't pay well, but it's kinda fun, and you get to make contacts in the industry.'
Int: 'So you act in films. I don't see the problem here.'
517: 'Well, it was two weeks ago, and I'd signed up for a bit part in this film about some female spies that were breaking into a secret base. The plot was pretty basic, you know, the female spies break in, they do some shooting, then a bunch of men arrive and start shooting back, and all the women get killed.
So my part was one of the women in the base, and I was in two scenes, one where I fired my gun at the men, and then in another where I got shot to pieces. So I turned up, and they explained the story and the scene to me, and then they showed me the costume they wanted to wear. It was this female guard's outfit, with a white shirt, tie, short black skirt, and long black boots.'
Int: 'Did that bother you?'
517: 'Well, no, I just wasn't expecting it. I mean, I'd worn sexy clothes before in films, but I'd been expecting combat fatigues or something, not a... uniform. Anyway, so I put all this on, and then they gave me the prop gun, and explained how it worked, and we rehearsed the scene. I had to run round a corner, take aim, and shoot first one man, then another, with my prop machine gun.
They spent some time getting me to come round the corner the right way for the camera, and getting me to spread my legs wide apart to fire the gun, they said it was very important. Then there was a long wait while they wired the men up for the little charges that they use for bullet holes. I've never seen them before, but they're little electrically-fired caps that blow a hole in the clothing, and some were fitted with blood bags, so that they spurted blood when they were hit. Each one had to be taped in place over a protective pad, and wired up, and the wires had to be hidden. Then they had blood capsules in their mouths, and, well, it took ages, but eventually we were ready. They charged up my prop gun with compressed gas - it didn't fire blanks, it just looked real and had a recoil like a real gun, and off we went.
Well, the cameras were rolling, and the director shouted Action, and off we went, and I leaped out, and clenched my teeth like they wanted, and smiled this evil grin, and then I fired the gun. Well, nothing had prepared me for what it would FEEL like, you know...'
Int: 'FEEL like?'
517: 'Feel like, to shoot the men.'
Int: 'What do you mean exactly?'
517: 'To point my gun at them, and to pull the trigger, and to see them act out being killed by my gun'
Int: 'Did it disturb you?'
517: 'No, no, quite the opposite, it really turned me on! That's the problem. I just couldn't believe it. The thrill of holding the gun and firing it at the men, and then seeing the little charges tear their clothes apart, it really felt like I was machine-gunning them, and they started jerking around as they mimed the bullets hitting home, and I just kept on firing. It was awesome, really exciting.'
Int: 'Why did it excite you?'
517: 'Well, I loved firing the gun in my costume, I mean, wearing high-heeled boots and firing a machine gun felt pretty sexy, but seeing the men die in front of you, it just did it for me, and one of them groaned as he went down, and it just left me shaking inside'
Int: 'So then what happened?'
517: 'Well, there was some problem with the camera angles, so they had to do it all again! So there was another long wait while they got the men set up again, and reloaded my prop gun. Well, I just had to go off to the ladies' room, and I locked myself into a stall, and I, you know, I felt myself.'
Int: 'You masturbated? You were so excited by the experience that you masturbated?'
517: 'Yes...'
Int: 'Did you have an orgasm?'
517: 'No, but I nearly did. Anyway, I came out again, and they were getting ready again. And this time, they wanted me to rake the men with more gunfire, and look as though I was really enjoying it. Well, I didn't need telling twice! We did the scene again, and I sprang out, and I got my legs apart, and I filled them full of lead! They jerked around again, and this time both of them groaned as they were hit, and one of them mimed getting his balls shot off, and I raked him up and down with my gun, and there was a lot more jerking and squirming from the men this time. I was really wet by the time the director told us to Cut.'
Int: 'And did you go off and masturbate again?'
517: 'No, I didn't get chance, but I really wanted to. I was really wet, and my hands were trembling when I handed the gun back to the armorer. Then I started to feel really guilty, I mean, I shouldn't have felt this way, about killing people, and I felt really bad.'
Int: 'But you DID feel this way, didn't you? And it's a very understandable reaction. I mean, for most people, there's a close link between sex and death - you see death, and you feel the need to procreate. It's the biggest turn-on there is. And nobody got hurt, did they? You're just acting it out, aren't you? So why feel guilty?'
517: 'Well, I guess, but I still felt guilty... Anyway, there's more. We took a break for lunch, then we went into filming for my death scene - they were doing all the shooting scenes together, as the special effects guys were really expensive to hire, and they only had them for a day. Well, this time it was my turn to be wired up. They had a girl do all the charges, and she spent ages attaching charges to this special protective vest that went under my shirt, then she attached some under my skirt. So I was carrying around all this stuff, and I was really looking forwards to my scene.'
Int: 'What did you have to do?'
517: 'Well, I was cornered by these guys, and I had to back up against this wall, then they opened fire on me, and I had to scream while I was ripped apart by their guns.'
Int: 'Did you have a gun again?'
517: 'Yes, but this time I didn't have to fire it, I just had to raise it to aim at them, then drop it when they opened fire, so it wasn't charged up.'
Int: 'So what happened? Did the scene make you excited?'
517: 'Excited? I was wet before I even began. Then we rehearsed it, and I mimed getting shot, and screaming. The director kept asking me to scream louder, until I had a really piercing screech that they really liked, and I was getting really into it. So we went for a take, and the men charged round the corner, and I tried to raise my gun, but they opened fire, and I dropped it, and I gave this huge scream, and then the charges started going off - it was wonderful!'
Int: 'How did it feel?'
517: 'Well, it was a huge turn-on to have these two guys point their guns at me, and I could tell they were excited, too, you know what I mean? Well, once their guns started shooting, the charges started bursting all over me, and little jets of blood started to come from the wounds. I screamed and jerked as each 'shot' went home, and I really gave it everything. I was really enjoying it - my chest just exploded in blood and little bits of material, and my skirt got ripped to shreds, so I was standing there with almost nothing on but my boots, and I yelled something like 'No! No!!' as they carried on firing. Then I fell slowly to the floor, and twitched a bit, and then I pretended to die. I had to lie there while they came over and examined me, and I really liked that - they rolled me over and checked my body for any concealed weapons, and I felt their hands on my chest, on my legs, everywhere.'
Int: 'And was this exciting?'
517: 'Oh yes, I was really struggling to keep still, I just wanted to feel myself while they explored me, it was so exciting, but I had to play dead. Then they dragged me off by my heels, and dumped me in a corner, and the director shouted 'cut', and that was the take.'
Int: 'Did they have to do it again?'
517: 'Yes! They were having some sort of discussion while I was getting cleaned up, and they came back to me, and said that the take was fine, but was I up to doing it again, but being shot up some more, and would I mind being stabbed with a prop knife? Well, I was so turned on I said yes straightaway, and so they got me a new costume and we went and did it again, but with more charges this time.'
Int: 'And how was it?'
517: 'Oh, it was terrific. This time, I had so many charges on me it felt like I was being shot to pieces. I jerked and twisted as they pumped me full of lead, and charges went off in my chest, under my skirt, and then between my legs, and I just fell onto the floor groaning and holding my crotch as I died. I was pressing against myself with my hand, and I was very close to coming. Then when they came towards me, with their knives out, that's when it happened.'
Int: 'What did they do to you?'
517: 'Well, I was still 'alive', so one of them went round behind my head, and pulled my head back by the hair, and the other one raised his knife and started stabbing me in the stomach. It was unbelievably sexy; the prop knife just sank back into the handle, and there was blood everywhere, and I just screamed and jerked and twisted with each stab of the blade. I must have actually been coming while he did it, because when the other one finally pulled my neck back and sliced my throat open from ear to ear, I was gasping, and the way he did it just sent me over the edge, and I had this huge come.'
Int: 'You actually had an orgasm? During the take'
517: 'Oh yes - I had to die at the end and lie very still, but that just made it more intense, to be having this orgasm, and trying to play dead at the same time. It left me completely limp afterwards, and it was the most intense orgasm I've ever experienced, and I haven't been able to get it off my mind since - I keep fantasizing about it.
And that's it... I've been thinking about this... experience ever since. I've even dressed up in the uniform again and lay in bed, thinking about being shot, and handled, and stabbed, and having my throat cut, it's difficult to explain why it was so exciting. My boyfriend doesn't know about it, but he found me in the uniform the other night and fucked me stupid. I told him I was wearing it for him!'
Int: 'So, will you be doing any more of this work?'
517: 'I'm not sure if I should. I mean, they were really pleased with the takes, but I haven't seen the film yet. They want me to come back in a few weeks and do some more death scenes, but I don't know, I mean, I'm not supposed to like it, am I?'
Int: 'I don't know. People get aroused from all sorts of things. But given the situation, I think this is pretty understandable. You're acting out a position of power and control over men, which is a very big turn-on, and then you act out being attacked by men and killed, and you find this aroused you to the point where you had a sudden and very intense orgasm. To deny that it arouses you would be to deny your own feelings. It's an analogue of the rape fantasy that some women like to fantasize about. It doesn't mean that they want to be raped, it's just a fantasy. Many males fantasize about shooting or killing women, but it doesn't mean that they want to do it in real life, they just enjoy the fantasy. So I don't think you've got anything to worry about, just keep on talking about it.
What do they want you to do next time?'
517: 'It's some kind of underwater story. I've got to wear a wetsuit and get speargunned in the belly.'
Int: 'Does the thought of it excite you?'
517: 'Yes, I've got to writhe around, and I die very slowly from the spear in my guts. Jeez, I'm getting wet thinking about it.'
Int: 'I think you should do it. There's no point in denying your sexuality. If you get turned on from doing this kind of thing, and it's hurting nobody, why not do it? You can come back again afterwards and talk about it if you feel the need.'
517: 'You know, you're right. I guess I just needed to talk about it. I feel much better for having got this off my chest. Thank you.'
Int: 'Well, it's my job to listen. I think we're coming to the end of our time today, though. Now, I'd like to continue talking through this, to try and work through these feelings of guilt you may have. I suggest that we make another appointment for, say, two weeks time? Yes? OK, I'll get my secretary to book you in again. Oh, and good luck with the next film.
Oh, and before I forget, let me write this down on one of my cards. You're on the Internet, yes? Well, take a look at this home page the next time you're surfing. It's the URL of a group of people who may be able to help you...'
---