Posted by Splay on June 24, 2004 at 20:10:29:
This is a story about a blowjob. Wait a minute, did I say "blowjob?" Heh. What I meant to say was this is a story about cooking and eating a beautiful woman. After she gives a world-class blowjob.
We find ourselves in that alternate universe where our own particular kink is normal. This is a much-used device in our genre, and unavoidably so. This writer does an adequate job of setting up the rationale, and adequate is plenty good enough given the nature of the kink.
Mr. Bader has written an Ode to Vore--an elegant, sensitive, erotic treatment of consenual cannibalism. I normally cringe when in the middle of a deviant sex piece the writer indulges in frank vanilla pornography, but this time it goes with the story line, and this guy is actually good at it. Ladies, put down your Cosmo article about how to please a man and read the blowjob sequence. Now.
If this is to be a critique, I have to criticize, so here goes:
It wasn't until the fifth paragraph that the name of the girl appeared, and I wondered "Who's that?" You've got to give the name right away.
He's writing a little beyond his depth. I don't think a voice can be "coached" to anything the way he uses the word. As for "...succeeding in enflaming [sic] my interest level...", you can't inflame a level. If you must use "said" as in "Said dress fell about her ankles...", you have to have mentioned the dress just before, not a couple of long sentences back. In "Sylvie reached out and began to slide my underwear off my loins, joining my pants about my ankles...", I struggled to get a mental image of what it would look like to have one's pants joined about one's ankles. What he meant, of course, was that the underwear ended up about his ankles where his pants were, but that's not what the words on the page actually say, and that matters when you're writing. There are more similar problems.
I've been picky in this critique because "Eating Italian" seems like an attempt at quality prose, and if you're going to play hardball with the big boys you'd better wear your cup. That said, Mr. Bader has succeeded in writing a palatable first-person deviant porn story, one of the few such I've seen.