Posted by Skippy on September 08, 2001 at 23:39:21:
I’m Going To Be Dead
I’m going to be dead soon. Probably not tomorrow or the next day, but I have a lot more
days behind me than ahead of me. I’ve been wondering what I’d like to do when I’m dead.
Being dumped in the ground and covered with dirt seems boring; no zest, no pizzazz. It
doesn’t matter much, but I’d prefer not to be worm food, and then ultimately worm shit.
Not much entertainment value in worm shit.
My buddy Bob was cremated. He came back to us in this spiffy little walnut box. We split
him up three ways and put him in coffee cans as per his request. He was scattered around
his favorite fishing holes and hunting hideouts. They didn’t do a great job when they cooked
Bob. There were some good size chunky bits mixed in with his ashes. I plucked them out when
we were dividing him up and put them back in the box along with his toe tag. I keep his box
next to my tv set, well actually, his tv set. Every so often someone will pick up the box,
rattle it around and ask what it is. At least there’s some entertainment value in it.
Now if I had lots of money being dead could be fun. You know, set up a trust and make a
person do something hideous to get the money. Send them to the Home Depot to pick up a good
garbage disposal, the deluxe three and a half horse power Dahmer model.Make them chop me up
into three inch cubes and feed me down the sink. Now I know some of the gentle readers on this
forum would consider this a basic holiday festivity, but you’re average grieving loved one is
going to be pretty squiked by that one. I’d still end up as worm shit but at least I’d get some
good yuks first. Yeah, I know they’ve got laws about body disposal and crazy peoples wills, but
if you’ve got the bucks you can work around most things.
I guess I could give myself to one these folks around here with a necro bent, although I’m not
sure anyone would want me. I haven’t seen too many shriveled up cancer non survivor fantasies here.
Any one here into lumpy middle age dead guys? I didn’t think so.
If I had a huge pile of money, I mean really stinking Warren Buffett kind of rich, I’d have
myself freeze dried. Fixed up like the dead animals some of my hunting friends hang on their walls,
except in a sitting position. Maybe give me a coat of varnish or shrink wrap me so I’d be easier to
keep clean. The person would get the money so long as they cared for me and took me out every so
often. I’d like to catch a football game or two every season. I’ve always said you wouldn’t catch
me dead riding the bus, but I could be wrong. A cross country bus trip is probably pretty cool if
your a dead guy. How about a trip to the titty bar every year on my birthday. A dead guy could use
a good lap dance on his birthday. The taxidermist could fix me up with a permanent full on chubby
so the dancing girls would know they were appreciated. That would also make it interesting
when my care giver dressed me. I’d want to be changed seasonally. No white shoes after labor day.
I’d want to be a fashionable dead guy.
Skippy