Posted by Sawney Beane on September 13, 2006 at 23:19:48:
The Collected Works of Sawney Beane: Volume #64
THE SPITTING CONTEST
by Sawney Beane
29 - 30 September; 25, 29 - 30 November 1998
6,176 words
DISTRIBUTION NOTICE and DISCLAIMER: Sawney Beane requests that any distribution of this work of fiction remain within the realm of social responsibility. This story is suitable neither for minors nor for the seeming majority of adults who have difficulty distinguishing fantasy from reality. It is pure fantasy, which means that, for whatever reason, someone has found it interesting to think about the events depicted herein. It does not in any way mean that the author would like to see this fantasy become reality, so if you are the type of person who might be swayed into doing something irrational by reading a work of fiction, the author respectfully requests that you decline to read further.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Sawney Beane, originally a native of Edinburgh, lived for twenty-five years in a cave on the coast of County Galloway, subsisting on the flesh of unfortunate travellers, roughly a thousand of them all told. He and his wife raised a large family of eight sons, six daughters, eighteen grandsons, and fourteen granddaughters. Eventually, the family was captured, and the whole lot was brutally and unjustifiably tortured and executed without trial. Since his death in the early 17th century, Beane has reformed his ways and now confines his atrocities to his literary endeavours.
WARNING: This story contains scenes of consensual snuff and gynophagia. If you find such things offensive, please steer clear; you have been warned.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is one of those stories that I have very mixed feelings about. One the one hand it reads fairly well and is an interesting concept. It has a playful vibe, but in a way I find it a bit too flippant to be considered a really good story. Also, although the details are original, the idea of competitive suicide is not. I know that Perro, Marquis, and even Monty Python (fabulous Being Eaten by a Crocodile bit) have worked with it. Having said all of that, I still like this story more than I dislike it.
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"Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to ABS Sports' special presentation of the tenth annual Daytona Beach Spitting Contest. This is Don Amery bringing you play-by-play with colour commentary by Lloyd Bloomberger, the champion spit-master of the first Daytona Spitting Contest."
"Thanks, Don, yes, this is one of the biggest days in the sporting year's calendar. Thousands are gathered on the beach to watch ten teams compete for the cherished Daytona Championship Cup, known fondly the world over as the silver spittoon. Should be a great day."
"Yes, everyone loves the Daytona Contest, the only one of its kind in the world. Behind us is a view of the beach on which it will all happen. None of the teams have appeared on the field yet, however, so the mood is still a bit quiet down there. But very soon all of that will change when the starter's pistol goes off to signal the beginning of a great contest. So, please stay tuned, and we'll have some great spitting action for you after these messages."
[First Commercial Break]
"Welcome back to Daytona. Don, I wonder if you could tell us what the teams must be feeling right now. I'm sure the mood is a bit tense?"
"Oh, you bet it is. Right before a contest you get very tight inside. It's all about reaching the moment you and your partner have been working toward for many months. I know the spit-masters and mistresses are nervous, and you'd better believe the spit-maidens are even more worked up."
"Yes, I'm sure they are. Well, I can hear from the cheering of the crowd that the teams are taking the field. They all look fabulous, Lloyd! This might be the greatest field in contest history."
"I can't agree more, Don. When we started ten years ago, this was an entirely new sport. We barely knew what we were doing. Since then there have been incredible advances in training and technique. My lovely spit-maiden, Louisa Jones, would have been amazed to see the differences between today's competition and our fumble fest ten years ago."
"Well, that may be true, Lloyd, but few will forget the moment when you took the stage in victory ten years ago. You and Louisa sure made a great team."
"Yes, we did, but there's no need to flatter me."
"Well, the spit-maidens down on the beach still have their bikinis on, so there is still quite a bit of time before the actual competition. When we come back right after these messages, we'll introduce you to the ten teams that are vying for this year's championship."
[Second Commercial Break]
"Welcome back to the tenth annual Daytona Beach Spitting Contest. I'm here with Lloyd Bloomberger, and we're just about to introduce the teams. This year's field of ten teams represents seven countries, which is the most in competition history."
"That's right, Don. The first competition included only four teams, and they were all from Florida. Last year's eight teams came from five countries. This is getting to be a truly international sport."
"Well, the teams have already been randomly assigned to a position, so we will start introducing them to our viewers. The positions are numbered starting with the one closest to the water. Our first team is a pair of hometown kids from right here in Florida, just fifty miles from Daytona beach. Jane Withers and Ryan Fort will seek to represent the state that brings us this fabulous spectacle."
"That's right, Don, and these kids are just the ones to do it too. Jane is a Sophomore at Florida State University studying psychology. Ryan is a Senior at the same school. Rumour has it that they met in biology class. They've been practicing for this event for over a year, and I've got to tell you, these kids have heart. I've never seen such intense workouts."
"Let's wish them well. Moving on, we have a team from France, Brigitte Delacroix and Rene Pinochet. Rene captured fifth place last year in this event, and he's here to improve on that."
"Yeah, and you have to think that he's got a good chance with a partner like Brigitte. She's been turning quite a few heads here in Daytona over the last few days. With looks like hers, the French team has an immediate advantage in the overall appearance score, which counts for one third of the overall. There are many people who like this team's chances."
"In the third position, we find Germany's Helga Schumacher and Gerhardt Schultz. We haven't heard too much about this team. What can you tell us Lloyd."
"Well, they've been keeping a low profile since arriving from their native Hamburg. Their coaches have informed us that they don't want to be distracted by publicity. Helga and Gerhardt apparently want to focus all of their attention on winning this contest. That could make them formidable since all of the other teams have been spending a lot of time celebrating with the fans during the week-long pre-game festivities."
"I've heard that those events can get quite out of hand."
"That's for sure, Don. You have to be careful not to let yourself get distracted, but, on the other hand, the parties are half the fun."
"In the fourth slot, we find a feisty duo from Ireland. Nicole Donegal and Danny O'Brien seem very confident and have been telling the press almost non-stop that they are destined to win."
"Yes, Don, those two certainly have very competitive personalities. Keep in mind though that Ireland has never had a team in this event before and that these partners have only been together for two short months. Still, confidence can go a long way in sports."
"That brings us to our second American team in the fifth position. These two hail from Dallas, Texas, and Carol Cochran is the only spit-mistress in this year's competition."
"That's right, Don. There have been three previous two-girl teams, but strength has always been a problem for spit-mistresses. Still, Carol and her spit-maiden Lisa Myers have been practicing for quite a while, and Carol's experience herding cattle on the range proves that she is no weakling. I think their chances are much better than most people seem to believe."
"That's the first half of the field, and a great lot of competitors they are. We'll take a quick break before introducing the remaining five teams."
[Third Commercial Break]
"Hello, I'm Don Amery here with Lloyd Bloomberger bringing you a live telecast of the tenth annual Daytona Beach Spitting Contest. We now proceed to introduce the second half of the field. Keiko Miyazawa and Hiro Yamaguchi are the first team to represent Japan in this competition. They'll start in the sixth spot."
"Yes, Don, and they're raring to go. Keiko is the shortest spit-maiden in competition history, and that is both an advantage and a disadvantage in certain ways. Still, they are very enthusiastic and should put in a good showing for their country."
"I certainly hope so. Earlier we had an oppourtunity to speak with young Keiko, and we will now show you what she had to say about competing for Japan in this year's competition."
[Pre-recorded interview excerpt showing an excited Keiko Miyazawa talking to the camera. Her partner, Hiro Yamaguchi, who speaks no English sits next to her with a good-natured smile.]
"We very happy to be able to represent our country in this contest. I very eager to show America that Japanese can compete in this sport as well as anyone. Hiro and me planning to do very well. Thank you very much."
[Return to live pre-game show]
"Yes, Don, that is one girl with heart. Did you notice that hair?"
"I certainly did. It goes down almost to her waist!"
"Yes, and she's very proud of it. In fact, she has resisted many requests from her friends and coaches that she cut it. She says she won't cut it until after the post-competition photos."
"I don't blame her, Lloyd. Now we must move on to the seventh position, which is filled by another American team. Widely regarded as the favourite, Karen Snyder and Rick Borman are two of the most popular competitors."
"That's right, Don. If someone who doesn't really follow the sport knows one spitting competitor, it's probably Karen Snyder. She's had quite a bit of exposure from her many endorsement deals."
"Who could forget her series of TV adverts for Kensington Barbecue Sauce?"
"Not I, and it's no wonder that Karen and Rick are the favourites. Karen's older sister Melanie Snyder was the champion spit-maiden in the Daytona Beach competition three years ago. There are many people that see a lot of Melanie in her younger sister and expect Karen to go far, especially since she is teamed with Rick Borman who has been the champion spit-master in this competition twice before. In fact, one of Rick's victorious partners was none other than Melanie Snyder."
"That's certainly a formidable team. I would like to ask you a question, Lloyd. I know that flavour is not officially one of the three elements the judges are using to determine the winner of the competition, but Karen's sister Melanie is widely regarded to have been one of the most delicious spit-maidens in contest history. It is also true that the winning spit-maiden is served to the judges and other dignitaries. Might this sway the judges in any way?"
"No, Don, I think it is likely that Karen is a very tasty woman, but these judges are all professionals, and they wouldn't alter the results in order to have a better dinner. In any case, all of these women are sumptuous, so there wouldn't really be any point."
"I hope you're right, Lloyd. We will hear more from Karen later, but right now we will move on to the eighth team on the roster. Hailing from Melbourne, Australia, Leslie Crawford and James Holland are here to win, and a lot of people think that this team from down under just might have a chance."
"I think they look very good, Don. Leslie is certainly very beautiful as well as in great physical condition, and her partner Jim Holland is already an accomplished athlete with awards in several different track and field and swimming competitions. These two could sneak up on the competition."
"Next, in the ninth spot, are Gina and Tony Difonso from Naples, Italy. This is their first time in America, and they've been spending quite a bit of time seeing the sights."
"Yes, they've been to Orlando and Miami this week, but they haven't lost their focus. Gina and Tony are, in fact, the only sister and brother spitting team in competition history. One wouldn't expect that to work out very well, but they seem to be meshing perfectly."
"We wish them luck. Finally, the fourth American team of Donna Schmidt and Ralph Becker. These two have been in the news quite a bit lately."
"Yes, that's right, and it's all because of rumours that Donna and Ralph have become romantically involved after their hours of practice. In fact, they have publicly acknowledged an intimate relationship. Many expected them to withdraw from the competition, but they're here and look ready to battle for the victory cup."
"These are our tenth annual Daytona Beach spitting contest competitors. After a short commercial break, we will explain the rules of professional team spitting, and we'll have a special treat from Karen Snyder."
[Fourth Commercial Break]
"Welcome back to the tenth annual Daytona Beach spitting contest. I'm Don Amery here with Lloyd Bloomberger, and the mood is excited down on the beach."
"Yes, the competitors are all out there now, and they've had a chance to communicate with the spectators a little bit, so everyone is picking their favourites and beginning to root them on."
"Well, lets take a look at team spitting. The teams begin fifty yards down the beach from the specially designed racks. Once the starting gun is fired, the teams must run down the beach. Then the spit maidens have to get themselves into position, and the spit masters and mistresses have to impale the spit maidens from vagina to mouth. Competitors are rated in three categories: speed, spitting skill, and overall appearance."
"That's right, Don. All competitors perform at the same time, which makes things a bit hectic, but we'll have instant replays to show you every detail. Speed is the simplest of the three criteria. This is an objective measurement which begins at the starter's gun and ends at the moment the red ring painted one foot from the sharp end of the spit comes out of the spit maiden's mouth. Spitting skill is the most technical of the three criteria. A lot of people think that the burden of this rests on the shoulders of the spit masters and mistresses, but nothing could be further from the truth. The team will not have a very good score if the spit maiden forgets to lean her head back or if she lets go of the handles that keep her in place on the spitting rack. Remember, those spit maidens are probably a bit afraid at that point, and they're definitely nervous and in incredible pain. The adrenaline helps, but I'm sure they can still feel the three inch stainless steel rods shooting through their bodies. Finally, overall appearance is a subject rating of how good the spit maiden looks after being spitted. This takes into consideration both her personal attractiveness and her spitted pose."
"So, Lloyd, which of these is most important?"
"Well, they're all three weighted equally in the overall score, but if you think about it, spitting skill will probably always win the prize since no one does very well in overall appearance without scoring well in spitting skill. Speed is probably the least important of the three since it often leads to poor spitting. Still, you don't want to be the last one done. Finally, you know that a third to a half of overall appearance is finished before the competition is started. Having a spit maiden with a top flight body greatly improves your score in this area."
"Just a few additional rules, before we switch to our interview with Karen Snyder. The spit may not touch the ground at any time during the competition. This leads to immediate disqualification. Also, the spit must be inserted into the spit maiden's vagina. There have been occasional requests to allow anal spitting, especially since that would open the field to male impalees. However, the board of stewards has not yet changed the rules to allow this. Finally, the bodies of all spit maidens will be roasted on the beach after the competition. The winner will be fed to the judges and a select group of celebrities. The remainder of the women will be eaten by the spectators who shelled out the additional five hundred bucks for dinner tickets."
"I'd just like to add one more comment, Don. People often say that team spitting is not truly an athletic sport, but I'd like to reassure everyone that this competition takes more than a great body and a death wish to win. Those poles are over ten feet long and very heavy, so you know the spit masters and mistresses have to have strength. But we should not overlook the physical prowess required of the spit maiden. As I mentioned before, she has to keep her head and hold on while she is on the brink of death. No one should scoff at the effort put forward by the spit maidens."
"With that we take you to Ron Berlin and the short interview he had with Miss Karen Snyder yesterday."
[Pre-recorded interview with spit maiden Karen Snyder]
"Hello, I'm Ron Berlin here in the beautiful gardens of the clubhouse of the Daytona Beach International Spitting Grounds to talk with the lovely and talented Miss Karen Snyder. Karen, I'm glad to meet you."
"Thanks, Mr. Berlin, I'm happy to have the opportunity to talk with you today."
"Well, it's only two days before the event for which you've been training for over three years. You must be feeling pretty nervous."
"I'd be lying if I denied that, but I'm just excited that my chance to compete is almost here."
"I've got to ask you, as a spit maiden, does it bother you to know that you will probably not survive the competition you've worked so hard to prepare for?"
"Well, of course, contemplating your own death is a difficult task for anyone, but when you know that you are going to die doing something you love, then it isn't so hard. I mainly just try to concentrate on the present and what I have to do to get ready for the big event."
"How do you practice being spitted alive?"
"Well, Don, you certainly can't practice the actual spitting part because that would be deadly, so you have to do the next best thing. Of course we practice the fifty yard run, and getting myself into position quickly. That's a big part of it. Another big part is upper body strength. I'll have to hold onto two handles while I am being impaled so that my body doesn't move around much. So I exercise my arms, lift weights, all of that. Then there's timing. I have to throw my head back at exactly the right moment, so I practice that. Finally, and probably most importantly, is pain therapy. A lot of competitors underestimate the importance of pain therapy, but it hurts like hell having a three inch steel rod shoved up your vagina. I use gradually increasing pain stimulation to increase my tolerance. Right now I'm at a bout 30,000 ache units, which means you could probably drive a nail through my wrist without making me particularly uncomfortable."
"Well, I'm sure that will come in handy tomorrow. Any regrets?"
"Not really, Ron, I'm completely committed to this sport, and my family is behind me 100%. The only thing that bothers me a little is the fact that I will probably never know if I won. The final judges' ratings will not be tabulated until after we are all spitted, and we won't be alive when the winners are declared. I just have to give it my best shot and know that I made a winning run."
"Speaking of your family, you're not the first Snyder to be competitively impaled."
"No, my older sister Melanie was the gold medal spit maiden in this competition three years ago. When I saw how Rick Borman drove that spit through her, I knew that I wanted to be in the winner's circle with him. Melanie and I were very close, and I only hope that I can be half as good as she was."
"Do your parents get upset at having all of their daughters spit roasted at Daytona?"
"Well, there are three more left after I'm gone, so it's not all of their daughters. But, yes, of course it is a bit rough on them, but they've always been supportive of anything we want to accomplish in life, and this is no exception."
"Karen, you've drawn some criticism for your many endorsement deals. Some say you're making this event too commercial."
"Nonsense, all professional sports are commercial, and team spitting is no exception. In fact, my notoriety is very good for the sport. A few years ago, team spitting was known only to a fairly small group of dedicated followers. Now we reach a much larger audience, and I'm happy to have been a part of that."
"Other critics say that some of your commercial spots, especially the Kensington Barbecue Sauce ads in which you rub barbecue sauce all over your body and tell people to 'Be a winner with Kensington Barbecue Sauce', are inappropriate for broadcast television."
"Well, that's really up to the censors. Whatever we did met the existing standards, and I really doubt that they could do any harm anyway."
"Do you every worry about the sort of role model you are for your younger fans?"
"All the time, Ron. Let's face it, most girls weren't meant to have a spit shoved through them on Daytona beach. They have other goals to attain. I hope that I can lead those girls to reach for their dreams whatever they may be. And, who knows, maybe the world champion spit maiden twenty years from now will be someone who saw me and wanted to do what I was doing."
"Well, thanks for taking the time to talk with us. We wish you the best of luck in the big competition."
"Thanks, Ron."
[Return to live pre-game show]
"She's quite a magnificent young woman, isn't she Lloyd?"
"She sure is, Don. You can't beat that competitive spirit."
"Well, I see that down on the beach the spit maidens are beginning to take off their bikinis in preparation for the big event, so we'll take a quick commercial break before we bring you our live telecast of the tenth annual Daytona Beach Spitting Contest."
[Fifth Commercial Break]
"Welcome back to the tenth annual Daytona Beach Spitting Contest. I'm Don Amery here with Lloyd Bloomberger. The competitors are all lined up at the starting mark, and it looks like the competition will be under way in just a few short minutes."
"Yes, Don, the mood down on the beach is one of intense concentration. There are ten women down there who won't be alive fifteen minutes from now, and they are all determined to go out a winner. The nine men and one woman who are about to help them die are just as determined to impale the victorious spit maiden. This is going to be a great competition!"
"The starter's pistol is raised, and everyone is poised to run the fifty yards down the beach to the spitting racks. Everyone can smell the smoke from the roasting pits beyond. The starter fires the gun, and they're off! The French team is the first off the blocks, followed closely by the Germans and Americans Snyder and Borman. Everyone else is not far behind. But wait, it looks like Becker and Schmidt have dropped their spit! That's an automatic disqualification. We'll hear more about that later, but now the French team has reached their spitting rack. Miss Delacroix does a great job of getting into positions quickly, and Pinochet has the spit lined up. The Germans, Irish, and Australian teams as well as Americans Snyder and Borman are also in position. The other teams are close behind. The French team is fast on the spit; Delacroix throws her head back; and the spit is out! But it is a very messy spitting, looks like the spit came out her throat. Maybe they were too fast. Meanwhile the Irish team is right on pace, but Miss Donegal is slow in throwing her head back. She looks like she's panicking a little bit. Oh, my God! Her partner just shoved the spit right out the top of her head! That's not going to get many style points. The other teams are taking their time more. Looks like the Japanese team and Americans Myers and Cochran are lagging behind a bit. The weight of those spits seem to be giving them trouble. The Germans are through, we'll see how they do for style, but it looks like a decent spitting. Now we have several completions, the Australian and Italian teams are through, as are Snyder and Borman and USA's Withers and Fort. Now the last two teams through are Japan's Miyazawa and Yamaguchi and Americans Myers and Cochran. There you have it: nine spitted maidens and one disqualification in this years Daytona Beach Spitting Contest!"
"This was some event, Don, it will be interesting to see how the judges score this, because there are several teams that look like they might have a chance. The big story today, however, will be Schmidt and Becker dropping their spit."
"I agree, Lloyd. I have to ask: do you think it was deliberate, since they have become romantically engaged?"
"Well, we'll probably never know whether Ralph Becker meant to drop that or not. He might not even know consciously, but I tell you one thing. Donna Schmidt didn't want to be disqualified today. She's up on the spit rack crying her eyes out and begging Ralph to impale her despite the disqualification."
"That's right, but the referee has taken away the spit and prohibited him from doing that. There will be some disappointed dinner ticket holders today."
"Yes, they'll get a refund, but I'm sure they'll still be sorry they missed the feast."
"Well, we'll take another commercial break while the judges evaluate the spit maidens. Then we'll show you a slow motion instant reply of each team so we can see how they did. Stay tuned!"
[Sixth Commercial Break]
"Welcome back to the Daytona Beach Spitting Grounds where the tenth annual Daytona Beach Spitting Contest has just taken place. I'm Don Amery here with Lloyd Bloomberger, and we're about to review some replays while the judges hand out the all important spitting skill and overall appearance scores."
"That's right, Don, first we'll look at American's Jane Withers and Ryan Fort. As we watch this we'll see that they were a little bit slow off the blocks and Jane was a bit slow in getting into position. However, this Floridian pair did a good job of lining up the spit, and Miss Withers got her head back at the right moment, so they pulled off a very clean spitting. You'll notice that there was very little blood. The judges look for that. This was a solid effort. I should mention that Miss Withers is undeniably a gorgeous blonde just twenty years old. She's got a great body, and it looks good on the spit. Don't be surprised if they score well in overall appearance."
"Now we move to the French team of Brigitte Delacroix and Rene Pinochet. This was ugly."
"It sure was, Don, you see they were fast all the way through. It was as if they were concentrating entirely on speed. They get the spit through quickly, but Miss Delacroix doesn't get herself lined up quite right, and Pinochet runs the spit through her and out her throat. That was very bloody and a terrible lack of judgment since Miss Delacroix's great looks could have earned points in the overall appearance category but not the way she has been impaled. That got to be a disappointment for the French team's supporters."
"Now we'll watch Germany's Helga Schumacher and Gerhardt Schultz. They got down the beach fairly quickly and were the first team to complete a reasonably good impalement."
"Yes, unlike the French and Irish teams who finished before them, the German team did a respectable job. They made good time, and you'll see that Gerhardt's technique is quite good. However, it wasn't the most artful impalement, and Miss Schumacher bled quite a bit more than some of the more skilful performers. I think they will get average scores in both skill and appearance, especially since Miss Schumacher was not the most attractive spit maiden in today's competition."
"Moving on to Ireland's Nicole Donegal and Danny O'Brien. This was another team fixated on speed."
"Yes, and on top of that, Miss Donegal just plain lost her head. You'll see that she gets into position but then she starts looking like a deer in the headlights and forgets to throw her head back. O'Brien doesn't notice and, consequently, he shoves the spit through her brain and out the top of her head. They had speed, but they'll suffer in skill and appearance."
"Next we have the only two-female team, Americans Lisa Myers and Carol Cochran. Looks like strength really was a problem for this spit mistress."
"Yes, that's for sure. As we watch the reply we'll see that Miss Cochran did an admirable job of getting the spit through Miss Myers. The end result is a very respectable spitting, and Miss Myers looks pretty good in the end. The thing that's going to hurt this team is time. They were the last ones finished, and you can see that Miss Cochran had to really struggle to lift that heavy spit. But they have reason to be proud of a job well done."
"We move on to the Japanese team of Keiko Miyazawa and Hiro Yamaguchi. I think these two newcomers did an outstanding job!"
"Yes, I think they really were the biggest pleasant surprise of the competition. Yamaguchi and Miyazawa did a great job, and I think that Miyazawa was correct in keeping her hair. She looks fabulous on the spit, and the judges will not fail to notice that. However, this team will not be the victors, and the reason is again time. They were the second to last team to complete the spitting, and Hiro really had to struggle with that spit. Still, what a showing for the first Japanese team ever in international team spitting. I wouldn't be surprised if these two ended up on the podium."
"Yes, what spirit. Next we have the favourites, Karen Snyder and Rick Borman of the USA. Didn't they do a nice job."
"Yes, everyone expected them to perform well, and they did not disappoint. Miss Snyder's practices really must have paid off, because you can watch her face throughout the replay, and you'll see that she doesn't lose her composure for a split second, not even when the point of the spit starts to come out of her mouth. Borman gets it through her without spilling any blood at all. They must have avoided all of her major blood vessels, and believe me that's not easy to do in a timed event. With Miss Snyder's body and the team's almost perfect performance, she looks just great on that spit. This is definitely a podium performance, but there are other great teams that will give them a run for their money."
"Yes, and speaking of one of those, how about that Australian team of Leslie Crawford and James Holland?"
"This is just poetry to watch. Crawford gets onto the rack before any of the other serious competitors, and Holland barely slows down as he runs up to her with the spit. He takes his time, though, as he gets it through her. This team worked together with a near perfect synergy. You can tell they're both concentrating on the job at hand. This is one of the best spitting job's I've ever seen, and she really looks terrific on the spit. Miss Crawford is one of those women whom you wouldn't have picked out as the best looking of our ten spit maidens before the competition, but with a three inch steel rod through her body, she is incredibly gorgeous."
"That's some endorsement coming from you. The ninth team was Italy's Gina and Tony Difonso."
"Well, the Italians' inexperience showed today. All in all they didn't do a bad job, but if you watch the way the spitting was carried out, and the way Miss Difonso looks on the spit, you can see that they really aren't in the league that some of our other competitors are in. There is really quite a lot of blood, and Miss Difonso has a very uncomfortable look on her face, which detracts from her overall appearance score I'm sure. Their time was really quite good, but I'm afraid that won't be enough to get them on the podium."
"Finally, the biggest shock of the day, Americans Donna Schmidt and Ralph Becker. The question on everyone's mind has to be 'Did he do it on purpose?'"
"Well, it's hard to say, but take a look at the replay. Miss Schmidt takes off down the sand like a shot. Becker follows, but he seems to be a bit unbalanced, and about halfway across the beach the spit just slips out of his hand. Maybe it was unconscious desire, but I really don't think it looks like he threw the competition deliberately. Miss Schmidt is on her back on the rack waiting for the spit. She didn't know until later that they'd been disqualified. That has got to be disappointing for this courageous young team."
"It sure does, Lloyd. Well, now we'll take a short commercial break while we await the judges' final rulings."
[Seventh Commercial Break]
"Welcome back to the tenth annual Daytona Beach Spitting Contest. I'm your host Don Amery here with colour commentator Lloyd Bloomberger. The judges have just posted the final scores in speed, spitting skill, and overall appearance, and it looks like we have a slight upset!"
"Well, not really, Don, the Australian team did a splendid job, and they came out on top. We can't take anything away from Americans Snyder and Borman though. They have no reason to be embarrassed by their close second place finish."
"And look at third place! The Japanese team gave their country a very respectable third place in the nation's first entry. Americans Withers and Fort are fourth, followed by the German team, and the French team, who placed sixth despite a badly botched spitting."
"Well, having the highest score in speed won't get you on the podium, but it does virtually guarantee that you won't be last. Seventh place was taken by the Italian brother and sister duo, followed by the double female American team of Myers and Cochran in eighth place. Ninth place goes to the Irish team, who drove a spit through the skull of spit maiden Miss Donegal in a very ugly performance. Finally, by virtue of disqualification, the American team of Schmidt and Becker come in tenth place."
"Here are the complete results and ordinal scores:"
Scores:
Team Competitors Speed Skill Appearance
1 USA Withers & Fort 00:37 8.0 8.9
2 FRA Delacroix & Pinochet 00:15 1.3 3.0
3 GER Schumacher & Schultz 00:25 7.5 5.0
4 IRE Donegal & O'Brien 00:16 1.0 1.0
5 USA Myers & Cochran 00:45 7.9 8.0
6 JAP Miyazawa & Yamaguchi 00:41 8.1 9.2
7 USA Snyder & Borman 00:31 9.0 9.7
8 AUS Crawford & Holland 00:28 9.1 9.3
9 ITL Difonso & Difonso 00:30 6.0 5.6
10 USA Schmidt & Becker dq dq dq
Ordinals:
TeamCompetitors Speed Skill Appearance Overall
1 USA Withers & Fort 7 4 4 4
2 FRA Delacroix & Pinochet 1 8 8 6
3 GER Schumacher & Schultz 3 6 7 5
4 IRE Donegal & O'Brien 2 9 9 9
5 USA Myers & Cochran 9 5 5 8
6 JAP Miyazawa & Yamaguchi 8 3 3 3
7 USA Snyder & Borman 6 2 1 2
8 AUS Crawford & Holland 4 1 2 1
9 ITL Difonso & Difonso 5 7 6 7
10 USA Schmidt & Becker dq dq dq dq
"We take you now to the winner's circle where all the teams are photographed prior to putting the spit maidens on to roast."
"Yes, Don, it is traditional that each team be photographed with the spit mounted vertically next to the spit master or mistress. Then they are photographed with the spits horizontally so as to better capture the face of the spit maiden."
"In just a moment, we will have the medal award ceremony with the three top teams on the podium. The teams are getting into position now."
"That's right, and just look at the hair on our third place spit maiden. Someone will have to shear Miss Miyazawa's locks before they put her on to roast, but I think that hair definitely helped her get into this victory ceremony."
"Don't forget Hiro Yamaguchi."
"Oh, yes, they both did a bang up job for their first effort. Their country must be going wild right now."
"Take a look at Karen Snyder as the judges place the silver medal around her neck. Her eyes are open, and she seems to be smiling around her spit as she receives her award."
"Well, she sure does. She really deserves a medal for her performance, and Borman was splendid as usual."
"Now the medals are being placed around the necks of the Australian team. Miss Crawford's eyes are closed, but she looks very dignified in gold. Fabulous job."
"Yes, she and her partner Mr. Holland really deserve to take the championship back to their native Australia. This year's competition has to be the best so far."
"I quite a agree. That about wraps up our coverage of the tenth annual Daytona Beach Spitting contest, stay tuned to ABS for more great sports coverage of the Las Vegas International Invitational Golf Tournament followed by a special encore presentation of ABS made-for-TV movie: Meet Me at the End of the Road starring Michael Douglas and Melanie Griffiths. For Lloyd Bloomberger and the entire ABS Sports staff, I'm Don Amery saying 'So long!' from Daytona Beach!"