Posted by Sawney Beane on September 19, 2006 at 22:57:13:
The Collected Works of Sawney Beane: Volume #68
INFOMERCIAL
by Sawney Beane
9 January 1999
2,389 words
DISTRIBUTION NOTICE and DISCLAIMER: Sawney Beane requests that any distribution of this work of fiction remain within the realm of social responsibility. This story is suitable neither for minors nor for the seeming majority of adults who have difficulty distinguishing fantasy from reality. It is pure fantasy, which means that, for whatever reason, someone has found it interesting to think about the events depicted herein. It does not in any way mean that the author would like to see this fantasy become reality, so if you are the type of person who might be swayed into doing something irrational by reading a work of fiction, the author respectfully requests that you decline to read further.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Sawney Beane, originally a native of Edinburgh, lived for twenty-five years in a cave on the coast of County Galloway, subsisting on the flesh of unfortunate travellers, roughly a thousand of them all told. He and his wife raised a large family of eight sons, six daughters, eighteen grandsons, and fourteen granddaughters. Eventually, the family was captured, and the whole lot was brutally and unjustifiably tortured and executed without trial. Since his death in the early 17th century, Beane has reformed his ways and now confines his atrocities to his literary endeavours.
WARNING: This story contains scenes of extreme dismemberment for the purposes of cannibalism with a consenting female victim. If you find such things offensive, please steer clear; you have been warned.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: An over the top idea I happened upon late one night. Silly-in a good way.
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Note: The following is an almost word for word reconstruction of an actual half-hour paid promotional program (what is commonly known as an infomercial) that I came across at three in the morning during a recent trip to Washington, DC. Needless to say, I was appalled, but that didn't keep me from placing my order.
The show began with lots of erratically moving camera shots of the small audience, all clapping wildly as the show title was displayed on the screen "Fantastic Inventions". The host, an attractive dark haired woman in her late twenties or early thirties emerged onto the set, which resembled something expected for a cooking show. She was dressed in a sleeveless red dress with thin shoulder straps and a short skirt. It was the perfect blend of allure and formality.
She smiled broadly, showing her perfect white teeth, and addressed the camera. "Welcome to another edition of 'Fantastic Inventions', the show in which we bring you the latest innovations that will make your life easier and more enjoyable. I'm your host, Cindy Miller, and I'm sure you'll enjoy today's show.
"My guest today is none other than the inventor that brought you the great Pocket Bowler and the Fresher home milk pasteuriser. Please welcome Don McHale!"
The audience went wild as a fiftyish man with short grey hair and a greying beard entered wearing a shirt and tie under a blue apron.
"Welcome, Don, it's great to have you on Fantastic Inventions today!"
"Thanks, Cindy, it's great to be here."
"Well, let's get right to it. We know you always have a fantastic invention to show us, so what have you brought today?"
"Well, Cindy, you'll be excited to know that I've brought the most perfect knife anyone ever made, the SlicePro 2000 XL." The audience cheered wildly as Don held up a butcher's knife with a brilliantly polished blade and an unusually large black handle.
"That's great, Don, please give us a demonstration."
Don McHale pulled a plate full of steaks out from under the counter and began slicing the meat into thin strips with ease. "The patented steel blade is sharper than any you've ever seen. I can cut this meat paper thin." He demonstrated this. "Not only that, but the blade is guaranteed never to go dull! Watch." He then proceeded to slice an aluminium soda can in half and then returned to the meat and was still able to slice it neatly. "Even this aluminium can can't dull it!" The audience cheered wildly.
"But Don, I think we've seen sharp knives before. What's so special about the SlicePro 2000 XL?"
"I see, Cindy, that you're a sceptic who will have to experience the SlicePro 2000 XL for herself before she will believe in how wonderful it is." Cindy smiled sheepishly. "Well, who here likes ladyfingers?" The audience cheered wildly. "Cindy, could you put your hand on that cutting board there?"
"Sure, Don," Cindy said, placing her left wrist on the counter. She began to grimace theatrically as if anticipating severe pain.
"Maybe you don't want to watch this, Cindy," said Don as he tied a heavy blindfold around Cindy's head.
Don then placed his left hand on Cindy's hand to hold it down and severed her wrist easily with the SlicePro 2000 XL. There was no blood, and Cindy's expression did not change. The audience gasped.
"OK, Cindy, are you ready?" Don asked with a conspiratorial wink at the crowd.
"I guess so, Don," replied the hostess, "Go ahead."
Don waited a few moments and then said, "Go ahead and take off your blindfold, Cindy."
Cindy seemed confused. "Why didn't you do it?" she asked as she fumbled with the blindfold. She had difficulty removing the blindfold, however, as she noticed to her chagrin that there were no fingers on her left hand. Actually, she had no left hand at all, just the stump of her wrist.
Cindy finally got the blindfold off and exclaimed in a poor imitation of astonishment. "That's amazing, Don, I didn't feel a thing!" The audience cheered.
"That's right, the SlicePro 2000 XL is five times sharper than a surgical scalpel; there's no way you could feel it, and it slices through bone and cartilage as easily as through flesh!"
"I didn't even know you had cut my hand off!"
"There's another trick to that, Cindy," Don said as an illustrative animation appeared to reinforce his explanation. "The SlicePro 2000 XL emits a ultrasonic pulse that is far too high frequency for the human ear to perceive, but it causes the nerve cells in your arm to simply explode before they can send the pain signal up your arm to your brain. The pain stops before it begins!"
"I can't believe how great this is, Don," said Cindy as she and the camera examined the stump of her wrist from close-up. "But Don, it's not even bleeding!"
"Oh, yes, that's the best part, Cindy," Don said as another animation appeared on screen. "The SlicePro 2000 XL is equipped with two tiny lasers, one on each side of the blade. They emit a high-energy beam that cauterises the wounds as soon as they are made. Can you imagine how much mess that eliminates!"
"Yes, the SlicePro 2000 XL is incredible!"
"That's right, Cindy. Compare it to this one!" Don said as he hurled a conventional meat cleaver at Cindy's right wrist, which just happened to be casually resting on the cutting board.
Cindy's other hand was removed, and she yelped in pain. She tried to stop the blood pouring out of this new wound by pressing the bloody stump against her other arm, but she was largely unsuccessful.
"Don't worry, Cindy," said Don as he pushed her down with her arm resting on the counter. With three slashes of the SlicePro 2000 XL, he had severed her arm just below the elbow, just above the elbow, and at the shoulder. Cindy's right arm rested as a series of cuts of meat on the counter. Quickly, she regained her composure and stood up.
"That wasn't very nice, Don," she scolded mildly, "from now on let's stick to the SlicePro 2000 XL!"
"You got it, Cindy, but I just wanted to show you how much better it is with the SlicePro 2000 XL."
"I'm convinced, but this thing must cost a fortune!"
"No way, Cindy, this is not available in stores, but you might expect to pay several hundreds of dollars for a knife like this. But for this exclusive TV offer, you can get the SlicePro 2000 XL for just five low payments of $29.95 plus $16.00 shipping and handling."
"Sign me up!"
"But wait, there's more. Not only do you get the SlicePro 2000 XL butcher's blade that we've been using, but you also get the SlicePro 2000 XL paring and bread knifes as well as a six piece steak knife set."
"That'd be great for people who like their meat extra-fresh!" The audience cheered.
"That's right, and they all come with this deluxe black laminated storage block!" The audience cheers continued to grow.
"Tell me more, Don."
"Well, it goes without saying, that the SlicePro 2000 XL knife is probably the only knife in the world that is easy enough and painless enough for a person to butcher himself or herself!"
"Well, Don, I'd try that out if you'd left me any hands," Cindy said with mock reproach.
"Sorry about that, but the SlicePro 2000 XL is so easy to use that it just begs to do its work!" With that, Don guided Cindy back down with her left arm on the cutting block and sliced it into three pieces as he had her left arm.
"Well, at least I feel a bit more symmetrical now." It was weird watching the hostess of the show standing there in her red dress with no arms and apparently not missing them.
"The SlicePro 2000 XL is so great, that its lasers can cauterise even the largest arteries in the human body."
Cindy apparently was aware of the script ahead of time because she did not require prompting to climb up onto the counter and lay relaxed on her back. Don pulled up her skirt and slipped off her red high-heeled shoes and black sheer stockings to reveal two of the most attractive legs ever shown on network television.
"Watch this!" Don exclaimed as he tore through Cindy's upper left thigh with the SlicePro 2000 XL. When he was done, her severed leg did not bleed, nor did the stump of her thigh sticking out only two inches beyond the edge of her red panties.
"That's amazing!" Cindy raved as she looked at the close-up of her severed thigh being shown on the studio monitors. "Absolutely no mess and perfectly painless!"
"The SlicePro 2000 XL is going to revolutionize home cooking! Imagine how great this is. Absolutely anyone can do it!"
A line of selected audience members had been forming, and now the first man in line was handed the SlicePro 2000 XL. He unhesitatingly carved a perfect inch thick steak out of the top of the severed thigh. "Just to show you that it isn't some special trick technique of mine," said Don as Cindy watched the destruction of her lost leg.
After about a dozen audience members had had their turns, Cindy's left leg had been reduced to a pile of perfect thigh steaks and a few foot and calf pieces. Don set the next few audience members loose on Cindy's still attached right leg. The first, an elderly matron was able to remove Cindy's right foot without causing her distress. Several audience members later, Cindy's right leg resembled the left, and she was bereft of limbs. The bloodthirsty mob disbanded peacefully.
"Well, I'm really impressed, Don, but aren't there some situations where you can't just slice something?"
"I know what you mean, Cindy, but we'll have to take off your dress to show you how the SlicePro 2000 XL family of cutlery can deal with such problems."
Cindy smiled by way of consent, and Don had slipped her out of her clothing a minute later. She lay on her back with only a red bra and panties on. She was still sexy even without arms and legs, and the camera went to a close-up of her belly. The smooth, slightly tanned skin looked very appealing.
"OK, so what if you want to take a steak out of here?" Don said rhetorically as he carved a six-inch square in Cindy's side with the tip of the SlicePro 2000 XL. Then he produced another tool that looked like an aluminium square on the end of a black handle. "That's when you need the SlicePro 2000 XL scraper." He slipped the edge of the tool into one of the incisions in Cindy's side and slipped it under the piece he wanted to remove. Seconds later, he was holding up a square of flash about half an inch thick. Ribs were visible in the hole left in Cindy's side.
"I can't believe it, Don; you just chopped a huge hole in my side and it didn't even bleed!"
"That's the beauty of the SlicePro 2000 XL, and for a limited time, we'll include the scraper with the other knives for only five payments of $29.95 plus $16.00 shipping and handling when you send a check or money order to the address on your screen."
"Don, I'm really impressed," Cindy said, "but can the SlicePro 2000 XL do delicates?"
"Of course, Cindy." He unsnapped the bra snaps between her breasts and slipped the bra off of her. "Just watch." Don took the SlicePro 2000 XL paring knife in one hand and Cindy's left nipple between two fingers of his other hand. Seconds later he had neatly extracted the nipple with a cut just around the edge of the woman's aureole. The crowd cheered wildly. "Or you can do the whole breast," Don said, and a few seconds later he was holding her entire left breast in his hand. Then he made two cuts that split Cindy's right breast into four quadrants before making a final cut that removed all four pieces of the breast.
This operation left Cindy a bit breathless (and breastless), but she stuck to the script. "That's fantastic, but I was thinking of something even more delicate."
"Don's eyes brightened. "For that you need the SlicePro 2000 XL superfine blade." He pulled on the two bows holding her panties together above her hips and removed the last piece of clothing from the depleted hostess. He picked up a tiny knife and began assaulting Cindy's genitals. The camera followed in close-up as he removed first labia then small sections of vagina and finally something that might have been a clitoris.
"Order yours today," said Cindy as Don continued to maim her nether regions. For just five payments of $29.96 plus $16.00 shipping and handling, you'll get the SlicePro 2000 XL butcher, bread, paring, and superfine knives in addition to the six piece steak knife set, the scraper, and the deluxe black laminated knife block. It's an unbeatable value. Just send check or money order to the address on your screen. Sorry, no COD orders accepted."
Don eventually finished his excavations and stood next to Cindy's head so that they could exchange parting words.
"Well, that's about all the time I have for today's show," said Cindy. "It was great having you with us, Don, and thank you for showing us all this fabulous new SlicePro 2000 XL."
"It was a pleasure being here."
"Stick around for dinner, Don. I'm making a special treat for the whole audience," Cindy said with a wink that left no question as to her meaning."
"I'd be delighted."
"Well, this is Cindy Miller signing off and encouraging you all to always keep your eyes open for a wonderful new invention and for an exceptional value.
The theme music was played over a fading shot of Cindy and Don chatting casually as if there was nothing abnormal about Cindy's condition.
Well, maybe it didn't go exactly like that. After all, it was way past my bedtime, and I was falling asleep somewhat, but I must have it down pretty close to the way it was.