Posted by Sawney Beane on September 20, 2007 at 00:10:58:
The Collected Works of Sawney Beane: Volume #160
CANNIBALISM FOR IGNORAMUSES
by Sawney Beane
24, 28, 29 September; 11, 25 November 2001; 13, 16, 17 September 2007
10,001 words
DISTRIBUTION NOTICE and DISCLAIMER: Sawney Beane requests that any distribution of this work of fiction remain within the realm of social responsibility. This story is suitable neither for minors nor for the seeming majority of adults who have difficulty distinguishing fantasy from reality. It is pure fantasy, which means that, for whatever reason, someone has found it interesting to think about the events depicted herein. It does not in any way mean that the author would like to see this fantasy become reality, so if you are the type of person who might be swayed into doing something irrational by reading a work of fiction, the author respectfully requests that you decline to read further.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Sawney Beane, originally a native of Edinburgh, lived for twenty-five years in a cave on the coast of County Galloway, subsisting on the flesh of unfortunate travellers, roughly a thousand of them all told. He and his wife raised a large family of eight sons, six daughters, eighteen grandsons, and fourteen granddaughters. Eventually, the family was captured, and the whole lot was brutally and unjustifiably tortured and executed without trial. Since his death in the early 17th century, Beane has reformed his ways and now confines his atrocities to his literary endeavours.
WARNING: This story contains descriptions of snuff and cannibalism involving consenting male and female entrees. If you find such things offensive, please steer clear; you have been warned.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is massive. Sort of a documentary version or "Dummies" guide in the Tasty Kate's universe. Some of it never quite got finished as I had hoped and it took much too long, but you get the idea. Actually, I sort of like it all in all. Just wish I had the time to perfect and hone it a bit more.
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CANNIBALISM FOR IGNORAMUSES
by Archer Middlebury, PhD
(c) 231 Bliss Publications, Inc.
Everyperson's guide to the ins and outs of human consumption in America
Contents:
I. Introduction: Why Should I Read This Book?
II. The Language of Cannibalism
III. A Brief History of Cannibalism in America
IV. The Psychology of Cannibalism
A. Why We Eat
B. Why We Are Eaten
V. The Ethics of Cannibalism
A. Legal Limits
B. The Controversy
C. Respecting Your Food
VI. How To Choose the Right Meal
VII. Everything You Need to Know to be a Tasty Dish
VIII. Home Cooking
IX. Cooking Methods
X. Cannibalism From Head to Toe
XI. Conclusions
I. Introduction: Why should I read this book?
Although it may seem inconceivable, Cannibalism has only been legal in the United States for a little over 50 years. In that space of time, remarkable changes have taken place in the customs and attitudes of our society. It is in everyone's interest to understand this societal force that so shapes the culture we live in.
Furthermore, the customs and ceremonies associated with cannibalism, let alone the business of cannibalism, are mystifying to the ordinary citizen. The history of this taboo turned cultural icon has touched all of our lives in one way or another. Yet, it is clear that nearly all of those who are now appearing on the dinner tables of our civilization as well as a large percentage of those who enjoy the taste of their flesh were not even alive before Katherine "Tasty Kate" Marquette changed the world on the banquet table of the restaurant that was later to immortalize her name.
This book is intended to familiarize you, the "ordinary Joe", with all you need to know about cannibalism in our society whether you are eager to enjoy your first or fiftieth cannibal meal. Or maybe you'd like to become someone's meal-this book will help you make the most of your glorious experience. So get ready, whether you long to eat or to be eaten, as we explore the fascinating world of modern American cannibalism!
Archer Middlebury
New York, NY
13 May 231 NCY
II. The Language of Cannibalism
The following brief glossary will help you understand the key terms associated with modern cannibalism:
American Confederation of Homovoristic Eateries (ACHE) (proper n.) - an industry association of restaurants featuring cannibal dishes on their menus. Established in NCY 188 with five charter members.
Androphagia (n.) - the act of eating a human male (see also Gynophagia)
Comestible Employee (n.) - a person whose job is being eaten, term used by members of ACHE
Conversion (n.) - a euphemism used by Comestible Employees to refer to act of ending one's life and becoming meat
Grade (n.) - the score given to a human designating fitness for particular types of cannibal preparations. Criteria often include physical attractiveness, psychological preparedness, and meat quality of the flesh.
Gynophagia (n.) - the act of eating a human female (see also Androphagia)
Homovore (n.) - a person who eats humans, syn. cannibal
Meal (slang n.) - a person who desires to be consumed, slang popularized in the pre-legalization years at the pseudo-legal Cannibal Club in New York City (see also Mouth)
Mouth (slang n.) - a person who desires to consume other humans, slang popularized in the pre-legalization years at the pseudo-legal Cannibal Club in New York City (see also Meal)
Snuff (slang v.) - a indelicate euphemism for ending one's life, usually for culinary or sexual purposes. ACHE has actively promoted their preferred term "conversion" in place of "snuff", but the latter term remains more commonly used in casual conversation.
Spit (n.) - the long, usually steel, rod on which a live or pre-converted whole roaster is supported during the cooking process.
Tenderising (slang v.) - a vulgar term for the act of performing sexual intercourse with a meal immediately before or during the cooking process, often by multiple sexual partners. Discouraged in polite society.
Whole Roaster (n.) - a person either alive or pre-converted roasted over an open fire or heating element after impalement with a spit. A method usually employed when a large number of diners are to be fed.
III. A Brief History of Cannibalism in America
Although it is difficult to believe today, cannibalism was once both strictly illegal and almost universally taboo. The very thought of eating another person almost always generated feelings of revulsion and disgust.
At the end of the twentieth century (old calendar system), people interested in the topic of cannibalism largely limited their discussions to specialized computer forums unknown to the general public. Few of these people were willing to openly discuss their interests with friends and family. Ideas were exchanged by means of imaginative stories and artwork, as well as manipulated photographs of attractive women. Although the number of people frequenting these places was hard to ascertain due to the secrecy, it is believed today that the number was far larger than generally recognized at the time.
For the most part, cannibalism amongst this community was limited to fantasy, and few people were willing, whether for legal, moral, or psychological reasons, to carry out real cannibal acts or allow themselves to be consumed in reality. Occasional, well-publicised instances of real cannibalism were reported and abhorred in the press, but such occurrences were few and far between.
There were persistent rumours of cannibalistic enclaves in various places, notably California and Wisconsin, but no concrete verification of the existence of these places has ever come to light.
Public attitudes towards cannibalism were slow to change, but by NCY 178, the tide of public opinion had shifted. Although it was still not legal and generally discussed, the world was ready for a change.
In the years leading up to its eventual legalisation, cannibalism was covertly practiced in major cities by means of special bars and clubs in which patrons identified themselves as either "mouths" or "meals". The acts could not be consummated publicly, as in a restaurant setting, at this time, but the public generally turned a blind eye to such private arrangements as were made at these clubs, so long as they took place in the homes of the participants and were not unduly brought to the attention of others. Such occurrences, however, still carried the risk of prosecution, and it was one such event that eventually changed the way we look at cannibalism in America.
The legalisation of consensual cannibalism in America was a direct result of a landmark Supreme Court decision in the case of Gains v. the State of California. The case concerned a certain Ned Gains who had been awarded a death sentence for murdering and consuming his 19-year-old girlfriend, Tiffany Turner. The Supreme Court overturned the death sentence on the basis of reams of evidence presented to prove that Miss Turner had, in fact, earnestly desired her own death and had even more earnestly desired her bodily consumption by her beloved boyfriend. In the controversial decision, Chief Justice Brannigan labelled consensual cannibalism a natural extension of assisted suicide on demand, which had been legal for many years. He wrote:
It has long been an essential right of citizens of the United States to surrender their lives at will, as well as to donate their belongings to any other person whom he or she may wish to enrich. A person's body being his or her most intimate possession, it surely follows that a person has the right to give his or her body to another for any purpose, specified or unspecified, including its conversion into food. Therefore, this court declares that no person in these United States of America shall be penalized in any way for aiding in the death and/or cannibalistic consumption of another, provided that he or she can provide sufficient evidence that both the death and the consumption was desired by the victim and furthermore that such desire was in no way coerced and that the victim was mentally and emotionally competent to make such decisions.
As a result of this court decision, as well as many previous, less sweeping decisions in minor courts, finally ended the senseless restriction of cannibalism once and for all.
Of course, the world did not change overnight. Small private dining rooms sprang up and some closed just as quickly, usually due to insufficient supply of voluntary meals. Yet, within a year of legalisation, a landmark corporation, which remains the most successful homovoristic establishment in America to date had its humble beginnings.
Tasty Kate's, Inc. was established in Philadelphia early in NCY 179. The owners were well-financed and determined to make a successful venture of the restaurant they were planning. They were very lucky in their discovery of volunteer Katherine "Tasty Kate" Marquette to serve as their first meal.
Popular and pretty, Ms. Marquette took the nation by storm during her pre-conversion media tour. She charmed the public and did more than any other single person to change attitudes about the desires to eat and be eaten. Many people in those days finally realised that it was not shameful to desire either. And Ms. Marquette became an instant, if short-lived, celebrity. She is remembered today, and her skeleton is preserved in the lobby of the Tasty Kate's building in Philadelphia.
Katherine Marquette was served to a large curious crowd at the Grand Opening ceremony for her eponymous restaurant on 11 June 179. Although she was not technically the first person legally consumed in America, she is by far the most well know and can be said to be the first person consumed in a big-budget restaurant of the type that is well-known today.
For its first year of operation, the Tasty Kate's menu contained items found on any good seafood or steak restaurant, with the human offerings limited to a single female volunteer served as the featured meal for Sunday night buffets. Male volunteers were served on Friday night buffets beginning in July 180. Male and Female buffets were made a daily occurrence as a result of both increasing demand and increasing supply in June 184. Also in that year, Tasty Kate's began a program that would later develop into its extensive national recruiting and training operations.
Supply of volunteer meat was still very limited in those days, and Tasty Kate's, by being nationally recognized, was able to command the market for quite some time. It was not until August 186 that a successful competitor was able to open in New York. The Big Apple's Cannibal Connection, one of the few restaurants of its kind to stand the test of time, remains the second most successful human-consumption establishment to the present day.
In the mid-180s, public reaction to cannibalism was still divided, and activist groups frequently protested and attempted to disrupt operations of cannibal restaurants. One of the most infamous occurrences happened in 187 when four female members of the anti-cannibalism group People for the Ethical Treatment of All Humans (PETAH), volunteered at the Tender Ranch Girl Grill, a Dallas restaurant. All were accepted as whole-roasters and covertly laced their bodies with poisons immediately before being impaled. This deception went undetected, and three of the four were served to customers, resulting in the death of eleven diners and the hospitalisation of many more. The fourth tainted meat girl was considered suspicious after the diners consuming her three friends began to complain of stomach cramps. Her body was instead turned over to authorities. Four the next several years there were persistent rumours that the women had not acted alone but were part of a larger conspiracy. However, no one was ever prosecuted for the incident. Tender Ranch was forced to close due to bankruptcy.
In November 188, partly in response to the bad publicity surrounding the Dallas incident, an industry organisation called the American Confederation of Homovoristic Eateries (ACHE) was formed by five major restaurants in Philadelphia, New York, Chicago, San Francisco, and Washington, DC, banded together to form. Other members joined rapidly over the next several years. ACHE was and is the foremost institution promoting awareness and appreciation of cannibalism in the country. ACHE's innovative "Got Meat?" television and print ads in which celebrities sport meat grade stamps on their rumps are almost universally recognizable. ACHE's other major contribution in its early years to the industry was to establish a consistent system of grading meat, assigning a letter score of A, B, C, or D to candidates to indicate quality of the flesh, as well as the attractiveness and psychological preparation of the applicant.
By 190, the large restaurants had added a line of a la carte human body parts to supplement the high-priced buffet meals. This allowed the restaurants to cater to a larger target audience. High-grade candidates were served buffet style, while lower graded individuals could still be served in parts. This led to a major increase in both supply and demand, which in turn led to a rapid increase in the number of restaurants serving human flesh.
In 194, Los Angeles, long conspicuously lacking in a cannibal restaurant of its own, became the home of Angel's Café. On the restaurant's opening night, comestible employee Melody Arbitrage became the second most recognizable name amongst meat girls by becoming the first person ever converted on live television.
Tasty Kate's continued to lead the industry in 202 when it moved into its new specially constructed fifty-story Tasty Kate's Tower. For the first time, a full-range of comestible employees could be kept in residence in the building and available on call for immediate consumption. This greatly increased the variety of dining options available and cemented Tasty Kate's reputation as the best restaurant of its type. Similar facilities have been since instituted in other establishments, but none to the scale of Tasty Kate's.
In February 207, ACHE member-restaurants jointly opened a centralized food-processing facility in Omaha, Nebraska. Chartered flights began to transport Grade C candidates recruited in the restaurants to Omaha for state-of-the-art humane automated dismantling. The resulting flesh was then flown back to its restaurant of origin for a la carte sale.
By NCY 215, the world's first homovoristic fast food restaurant opened in central Iowa. McDonner's Fast Food, catering to cannibals on the go, fixed a crucial imbalance in the industry's supply chain. Female candidates have long been preferred to males, both for their aesthetic qualities and allegedly more tender flesh. McDonner's, their attractive female wait staff notwithstanding, provided an outlet for predominantly male Grade D applicants rejected by the larger restaurants. Today the chain has expanded to over 200 restaurants nationwide.
Today, just fifty years after its legalisation, cannibalism has become an integral part of our society. Nearly everyone, even if never directly experiencing the cannibal act, has at least known someone who has experienced one end of the fork or the other. One thing is clear, cannibalism is here to stay.
IV. The Psychology of Cannibalism
A. Why we Eat
The desire to consume human flesh is as old as human life itself. Although the cannibalism of primitive tribes was for a time turned into a strict taboo in modern times, it has always been a part of us.
Psychologists have long debated the reasons this desire is so strong. And, although opinions are varied, several reasons seem to stand out.
Cannibalism, especially in primitive tribes, but to some extent still today, was a way to express victory over another to and assume the power of a vanquished foe. By consuming an enemy, the victorious believed that the life energy of the consumed became a part of the consumer.
Although not as mean-spirited as this primitive attitude, there are some who believe that consuming others today is still directed at achieving this sort of mystical union with another human being. As people in society become more and more isolated, they seek out ways to bond with other people. Cannibalism offers the perfect solution, an togetherness unsurpassed by any other method which does not require a great deal of effort on the part of the consumer. To a certain extent, this explains the reasons that people generally prefer to consume attractive people, especially those of the opposite gender.
There is undeniably a sexual element in human consumption, which is consistent with the aforementioned preference for sexually attractive meals. For some, cannibalism is simply an extension of intercourse. The methods and practices around cannibalism are conducive to sexual arousal. This is especially true to private arrangements and was the driver behind most pre-legal consensual cannibal incidents.
There is clearly a social aspect to cannibalism. It is a powerful status symbol to have been able to afford the still-hefty price of a private banquet or even the purchase of one of the more desirable body parts from a high-grade meal. Groups often frequent cannibal restaurants when celebrating major milestones or accomplishments. Human flesh is seen as the supreme luxury.
Although not sufficient to explain its broad appeal, it is almost universally recognized that people taste good. The real question may be "Why wouldn't we eat?" There may be dozens of reasons to desire human meat, but, as in all food decisions, taste always holds the reins.
B. Why we are Eaten
Not everyone wants to be eaten, of course, but, as we have found, a significant number of people do. The reasons for wanting to be eaten are nearly as numerous as the number of people who so desire. However, the reasons tend to fall within several broad categories.
There are those who seek comestible employment through a simple lack of desire to live. Suicide can be motivated by countless reasons. Aside from general dissatisfaction with life, one of the most common is a terminal but non-communicable illness. Others are afraid of age and decay. They see volunteering as an opportunity to avoid old age and geriatric death.
There again, others may be indifferent to life and motivated by the financial gains to be reaped by their heirs upon the sale of their bodies for consumption. For a high-quality body, such bounties are not insignificant, and one person can benefit his or her beneficiaries quite nicely. Also, although it remains ethically questionable, cannibalism has been considered legal for purposes of settling debts, and in some limited cases, a person's body can be foreclosed upon if it has been named as security for a debt.
And once again, there is clearly a sexual motivation for many people. Cannibalism is the ultimate surrender of one's body to another. Volunteers see themselves either in a submissive role or as a loving contribution to another person's health and well-being. There is a clear sexually suggestive aspect to many of the most popular forms of cannibalism, and prospective meals may see themselves as achieving a natural extension of their normal sexual urges.
Finally, it has been noted that some people just have an inexplicable fascination with giving themselves over to be consumed. They see themselves as becoming part of their fellow men. They are obsessed with achieving a mystical unity with the community, and the imagery of their imaginations is often consistent with cannibalism.
Of all the reasons people volunteer to be meals, it is clear that the supply of such people is continuing to increase as cannibalism becomes more popular.
V. The Ethics of Cannibalism
A. Legal Limits
Although cannibalism is now legal in every state, there are strict limits on who and when you can eat. Violating these rules can bring down some very severe consequences, including first degree murder charges, so strict adherence to the laws of cannibalism are a must.
Who You Can Eat
The law allows us to consume only consenting, un-coerced adults. The consumed party is legally allowed to withdraw consent at any time up to the time of death, so it is crucial to stop any process, no matter how advanced, at the first sign of non-consent. If the meal is to be consumed in an accredited restaurant, the paperwork is usually taken care of behind the scenes, but if you are making a private arrangement, most states require that your meal obtain a permit. You will need this to establish the legal consensual nature of your acts. Consuming someone without a permit is inviting prosecution, so it is best to always make sure the paperwork is in order.
Who You Can't Eat
In addition to the requirement for absolute consensuality, the law prohibits the consumption, under any circumstances, consensual or not, of the following people:
- Any child under eighteen years of age
- Any blood relative of the cannibal including: parents, grandparents, natural children, cousins, aunts, and uncles
- Any person considered mentally incompetent or insane
All of these exclusions are controversial and the subject of ongoing legal battles. However, there is no reason to believe that any of the exclusions will be significantly altered in the near future.
Many people particularly dispute the logic of the ban on blood relatives, and, indeed, there are those most drawn to consuming their own family members, but the courts have ruled in most states that permitting such meals would lead to a break down of family values in the nation, so until something changes, it is best to see other meals.
Sole Exception
In a recent controversial Supreme Court decision (Heath v. Fit For Human Consumption of Seattle, WA, NCY 224), it was ruled that a person could legally assign his or her body as collateral in a loan or other financial transaction. Consequently, in the event of foreclosure on such a transaction, the foreclosee could be converted for human consumption. Such a process would be considered consensual and un-coerced provided that the following conditions are met: i) the foreclosee entered into the agreement freely and with full view of the possible consequences; ii) the forecloser had made known to foreclosee prior to the agreement the intention of using the foreclosee's body for culinary purposes; and iii) the forecloser did not exert unethical influence to bring about foreclosure. So far this represents the only form of legal cannibalism in which the meal need not remain consenting at the moment of death.
Additional cases are pending which may controvert the results of this case, especially in light of the sharply divided court and a well-argued dissenting opinion by popular justice Lance Sharples, so it is advisable to keep abreast of the current standards if transactions of this type are contemplated. Better yet, avoid all such transactions.
B. The Controversy
Cannibalism itself remains, of course, a source of great controversy in our society. As recently as fifty years ago, cannibalism was still illegal throughout the developed world. As little as twenty-five years before that, it was considered one of society's greatest taboos. Believe it or not, a hundred years ago, cannibalism was viewed in much the same way as we today view paedophilia or incest. It has, understandably, been a difficult task to so radically change opinions on this act in such a short time.
Much of the aversion to cannibalism was related to murdering people for food. Of course, this part has changed little since murder, for culinary reasons or otherwise, remains illegal. Everyone whom modern society allows to end their days on the dinner table has made a conscious choice to be food. Whatever controversy remains in this area relates to the question of what constitutes consent for purposes of cannibalism. This has been discussed in the previous section.
There is much evidence to suggest that the ancient taboo against cannibalism is based at least partly in the danger of eating human flesh. It is a biological fact that human flesh is more dangerous to eat than is the meat of other animals. The microbiological reasons for this are too complex to get into in this text. However, it is also true, that modern preparation techniques have minimized this risk, and with a reasonable amount of care, we need no longer fear cannibalism on this basis.
It appears that the lingering debate around the ethics of cannibalism is based on the so-called "right to die" question. One hundred years ago, suicide and even euthanasia of the terminally ill were illegal. Today, we have affirmed that every individual has the right to die at will. This leads us to allow voluntary cannibalism, euthanasia, and suicide. In some locals, counselling and a mandatory waiting period are required before some or all of these options may be exercised, but the basic right is not violated. The right to die has been upheld at every level of the judicial system and shows every sign of remaining a basic precept of human freedom in the United States.
Nevertheless, a vocal minority still battles against our right to end our lives. Many of these people have focused on cannibalism as the ultimate expression of the principle they oppose. Rallies, protests, and attempts at disrupting the business of human consumption are a frequent occurrence in today's America.
Although anti-cannibalism activists are merely a nuisance these days, it was not always so. In the early days of legalized cannibalism, much more extreme actions were taken. Fanatical anti-cannibals have gone so far as to become martyrs for the cause by filling themselves with poisons and turning their bodies over for human consumption. These three young women succeeded in killing eleven innocent cannibals and causing severe illness in nearly a hundred more. This tragedy sparked the formation of the American Confederation of Homovoristic Eateries (ACHE) in NCY 188, which with strict testing and purity guidelines has prevented further suicide poisonings.
It would be naive to believe that the controversy over human cannibalism will completely die down in the foreseeable future. However, a recent poll of American citizens revealed that 60% of us are in favour of legal human cannibalism. Another 35% claimed to be indifferent, with only 5% reporting a strong aversion to the current legal standard. A little caution when dealing with the fanatical few is in order, but we can and must learn to co-exist with people who hold opinions different from our own.
C. Respecting Your Food
It is important to remember that the people we eat have made the ultimate sacrifice in order to become our meals. True, in most cases they had their own reasons for wanting to be consumed. However, that should not stop us from making an extra effort to treat our meals with the utmost respect. A few guidelines will ensure that we do not maltreat our human food.
Don't Waste Any Human Flesh
When a person decides to become a meal, his or her biggest dread is often that he or she will be wasted. It is without a doubt an enormous insult to fail to consume any edible part of a human who has given himself or herself over to become your food.
We may never meet the people who supply our meat. Most of us can only afford to buy the meat already processed in supermarkets or at best as parts in a restaurant. However, while the "no waste" rule is of cardinal importance even in the case of private home dining.
NEVER discard uneaten any edible human body parts. We must also be very careful of what we call edible. In general, a normal healthy human body should all be edible except for the bones. If at all possible, never throw away, allow to spoil, or feed to pets any part of a former human.
Be Polite to Your Meals
If you do meet your future meat before conversion, remember to be polite at all times. Despite the consensual nature of the transaction, the person you are about to consume is probably under a great deal of stress. He or she has also provided you with a most precious commodity, so remember to show sufficient respect to the person that will be your meat. Treat him or her with dignity and the respect you would treat any other human being. Compliments are always appreciated. It will make the process smoother, and the experience more pleasant for the meal.
Sexual Activities
Some restaurants and most private arrangements allow or encourage sexual contact with future meals before conversion. This is usually at the discretion of the meal, so don't presume that your meat girl will welcome "tenderisation". If he or she does indicate an interest in pre-conversion sexual contact, conduct yourself in your best behaviour. He or she may be future meat, but treat him or her as a sexual partner until then.
Respect Your Meals After the Fact
It may be tempting after conversion to treat your meal provider as any other meat, but remember that he or she was once a human like you and deserving of extra care. Do not succumb to the temptation to speak of your meal in a vulgar or insulting way, regardless of whether he or she is still around to hear. It's a matter of common decency.
VI. How to Choose the Right Meal
The ACHE Grading System
In NCY 189, The American Confederation of Homovoristic Eateries (ACHE) established a grading system for classifying candidates to be served in their restaurants. Under this system, each candidate is assigned a grade of A, B, C, or D. Although the system does exhibit some subtleties, a candidate's grade generally determines the method of his or her consumption as well as the amount a prospective cannibal will be required to pay for the privilege of consuming him or her.
Approximately 5% of all candidates receive a Grade A rating. These individuals are in the greatest demand and command the highest prices, often double that of their Grade B counterparts. Many restaurants keep their Grade A candidates alive in apartments in or near the restaurant buildings until they are chosen for consumption. Such eminent institutions as Tasty Kate's have elevated the housing of Grade A candidates to an art form. The prospective meals are offered to prospective customer either in person or through menu photographs and are selected on a personal basis. Grade A comestible employees also often serve as waitresses in cannibal restaurants until they themselves are chosen to grace the tables of hungry customers. When a Grade A meal is chosen, the customer normally selects the method of preparation, although some restaurants allow their Grade A comestible employees to place limitations or preferences on the means of their conversion.
About 25% of candidates are assigned a rating of Grade B. These prospective meals may be found on menus in most restaurants alongside Grade A meals, albeit at substantially lower prices. However, a small minority of the most elite restaurants, notably Tasty Kate's, prides itself on its "All Grade A" menu. All Grade B candidates from the elite restaurants as well as roughly half of those from other restaurants are euthanised and packaged for whole-body sale to upscale supermarkets for home consumption.
The largest group, Grade C, makes up roughly 40% of candidates. These are individuals whose parts are deemed to be more valuable than their whole. In some cases, these are people who, although otherwise very attractive, exhibit some physical defect that detracts from their overall appearance. Alternatively, these people may be of average appearance and not physically desirable enough to attract an A or B rating. These candidates are generally humanely dismantled for sale in the restaurant as parts or for supermarket sales. Since NCY 207 this has largely been accomplished at a central food processing facility in Omaha owned jointly by the ACHE member restaurants. Candidates are flown to the facility and returned to the restaurant after conversion for a la carte sale. Because the physical defect of a candidate may not affect all or most of the body, extremely high-quality flesh at remarkably good prices can often be obtained from this class.
The final classification, Grade D, comprises the 25% lowest rated candidates. For one reason or another, these individuals are deemed undesirable for higher-class sale. Most often, this is due to the age or physical attractiveness of the candidate. The selling price of Grade D flesh is often less than 10% of that assigned to Grade A flesh. Most Grade D candidates are converted into human hamburger and distributed to supermarkets or to fast food restaurants. For most of us, our first, if not only, experience with cannibalism will be the incredibly expensive double cheeseburger we splurged on at McDonner's.
An important thing to remember about the ACHE grading system is that a candidate's grade is based more on physical attractiveness and sexual desirability than it is on the inherent quality of his or her flesh. To a some extent, these two ends are not entirely compatible. While there is no question that a physically attractive body tends to enhance the dining experience for a whole-body meal, such considerations are less important when a person is to be consumed in parts.
This may be good news for the prospective cannibal since some extremely good bargains can be obtained in high quality flesh graded either B or C. If your objective is to maximize your enjoyment of the dining experience when eating a steak or roast, the best advice is to pay less attention to the ACHE grade and instead look at the degree of marbling of the meat itself. A piece of meat with most of the fat mixed into the muscle in thin streaks will be more flavourful than one with less intra-muscular fat.
The implications are less clear for the prospective candidate. In many cases, it will result in a lower ranking and revenue for candidates with high-quality flesh who may not exactly fit societal standards of perfect beauty. On the other hand, those endowed with high attractiveness may achieve results not strictly warranted by the quality of their flesh. In general, it is important to realize that, regardless of grade, your body will be enjoyed, so it is best not to dwell too much upon the grading system.
ACHE Grading System Summary
Grade % of Candidates Major Methods of Consumption
A 5% Restaurant whole-body
B 25% Restaurant & Supermarket whole-body
C 45% Restaurant and Supermarket parts
D 25% Supermarket and Fast Food ground meat
Racial Generalizations
There has been widespread speculation about the relative merits of the flesh of members of various races. Asians, for instance, due to their generally small size and delicacy are often considered to have more tender or more flavourful flesh. However, there has never been a scientifically reputable study comparing the culinary merits of the various races. And what research has been done suggests that individual variation within races far outweighs the racial generalizations that can be made. Indeed, it is very often the case that the race a diner finds most sexually attractive will be the one he or she promotes as being of the highest meat quality. In the end, the best policy is to keep an open mind and an open palate.
VII. Everything You Need to Know to be a Tasty Dish
Giving one's body over for culinary purposes is and always will be a stressful thing to do. Even if one truly desires to be food, he or she has to deal with the uncertainty and the fear that they will not be appreciated or indeed appetizing. A few simple guidelines will help ensure that you maximize the dining experience both for yourself and for those who will consume you.
Clear Your Mind
If your mind is cluttered and not at peace, you will not be able to give this, your final act, the dedication and concentration it deserves. If you let your thoughts consume you, no one else will be able to enjoy doing so. Once you have decided that becoming food is what you really want to do, make sure to tie up and finish all of your worldly concerns before checking in to your local cannibal restaurant. If you can rest easy about the life you are leaving and have not left any loose ends, your mind can focus, and it will show in how you approach your culinary career.
Become a Vegetarian
It may seem odd, but carnivores tend to have lower quality flesh than herbivores. This is why we eat cattle and pigs and not dogs and cats. So follow this good example. If you adopt a vegetarian diet well before you begin your meat duties, you will clear your body of toxins and ensure a tender, sweet flavour. You should give up meat at least a month and as much as a year if possible before your conversion. It is a small sacrifice to make in your quest to ensure a quality dining experience.
Exercise Those Hams
While it is true that too much exercise can be a bad thing for your flesh, too little is far worse. Good meat is marbled with intra-muscular fat. But thick layers of sub-dermal fat do nothing either for you meat quality or for your physical attractiveness. It may seem counter-intuitive that to have great flesh you need to get rid of some of it, but in this case less is more. Well-toned in-shape muscles just taste better than flabby ones. Don't try for the ultra thin gamine look, but do try to be physically fit. It's a fine line, but one worth walking.
Clean Your Body
It's true that cleanliness is next to tastiness. You will, of course, be thoroughly cleaned inside and out as part of your preparation process. However, it is best to instil in yourself a habit of cleanliness. Start today and make sure you take the time to observe good grooming habits. Wash yourself thoroughly at least twice a day and flush your insides as much as you conveniently can. If you feel clean throughout your last months on earth, you will be clean. Aside from making your conversion process more smoothly, you will also improve your flesh quality.
Think Like Meat
To truly be meat, you have to think like meat. Spend a good portion of every day you have left before your conversion thinking about what you are doing. If you truly understand the step you are taking, you will be more at peace with it. And if you are psychologically prepared to be a great meal, chances are you will be one.
All it takes to be a great meal is a little effort and positive thinking. If you follow these simple rules, you will be sure to receive top grade and will be sure to please. Good luck!
VIII. Home Cooking Tips
An increasingly popular option that many are taking advantage of is home cooking. Of course, home cooking of strangers whose bodies are purchased intact or in parts from supermarkets has been around for a long time. However, what is referred to in this section is the consumption of acquaintances. Maybe your spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend wants to change the nature of your relationship. Maybe it's old friends or even casual acquaintances with a shared desire. Some matchmaking agencies exist for the purpose of hooking up prospective meals with prospective cannibals. Whatever the relationship, it is now possible in most states to acquire a license that will allow you to convert and consume consenting friends in the privacy of your own home.
Make Sure It's Legal
See the "Ethics of Cannibalism" section of this book for guidelines regarding who you can eat and who you can't. In any case, you and your meal will require a license, which can be obtained at your local city hall after you have both answered several questionnaires, which may seem overly bureaucratic but are essential to protecting the populace from unfortunate occurrences.
Make Sure He or She Really Means It
In order for any cannibal meal to be legal, it is essential that the consumed party be entirely consenting and un-coerced up to and including the moment when his or her life is ended. It is not uncommon for a prospective meal to change his or her mind before the act is consummated. Even if you have a license, a last minute change of heart could disrupt your plans. The best way to prevent this is planning and preparation. Don't rush into anything. An impulsive decision to become a meal is often followed by an equally impulsive decision to back out. In contrast, a plan that has been a shared fantasy for a year or more is seldom abandoned at the last minute. Be patient.
Above all, if a last minute attack of cold feet does occur, DO NOT proceed with the conversion and meal. This is strictly illegal and carries penalties on a par with first degree murder. Don't let your eagerness land you in jail or worse.
Go in Head First
Unless you have access to local or general anaesthetics, removal of body parts is excruciatingly painful. Although it may seem like a good idea to you and your prospective meal to take it one step at a time, you will both soon come to regret the decision. Even the most masochistic among us would not enjoy losing an arm or a leg. Therefore, it is always the best policy to begin any food preparation process by ending the life of your meal. A simple method for this is slitting the throat, which can be accomplished easily with a razor blade or a sharpened kitchen knife.
Test Your Recipes Ahead of Time
Few things could be worse than botching the preparation of your girlfriend's breast or of your husband's penis. You'll regret your carelessness for years to come if the meal doesn't come off as well as you'd planned. A good way to prevent mistakes is to practice your recipes with beef or pork or even store-bought human flesh. An added benefit is that preparing all of these recipes along with the person you plan to consume will give you both time to enjoy the plans you have and to grow closer together.
Well Done
You may enjoy your steaks rare and bloody, but avoid the temptation to eat human flesh raw or undercooked. One of the main reasons cannibalism was taboo for so long is likely the high risk of illness or death from consuming undercooked human flesh. Although it is possible to safely eat raw or rare flesh in certain conditions, it is best to leave such preparation to professionals. For home-cooking, always serve your friends well-done.
Have Fun
This is the event of a lifetime, above all, it should be fun for both the consumer and the consumed.
IX. Cooking Methods
Many traditional and non-traditional methods have been devised to prepare the human body for consumption. A complete treatment of the subject is beyond the scope of this book. However, a brief survey of some of the more ubiquitous methods will suffice.
Pot Boiling
The traditional view of native cannibalism is the large steel pot boiling over a huge fire with a, usually attractive, human female bathing in the hot water. This is purely the stuff of imagination and has never been practiced in any society in the world. Aside from the difficulties of procuring such a vessel, the quality of meat treated in this way is not very good. A whole human boiled alive would result in a disgusting mess.
Although the concept as usually imagined does not occur, boiled meat can turn out well. This is good, however, only for parts and not for whole persons. Many restaurants serve slow-boiled meats, usually knees, elbows, or other joints. The result is a tender meat, and the resulting broth can be put to good use as a soup.
Spit Roasting
Another traditional favourite is spit roasting. In this method, the individual to be roasted is impaled with a long slender stake, usually of steel or other sturdy heat-resistant materials. The sharpened end is usually inserted into the rectum or vagina and slides through the body to exit through the mouth. The carcass is then secured to the spit and rotated over a roaring flame, usually with liberal application of savoury sauces to keep the flesh moist.
The actual impalement can be used either on a live or pre-converted candidate. In the latter case, the carcass is usually gutted and stuffed prior to impalement. In the former case, care thorough internal cleaning is a must to prevent contamination of the meat during the roasting process. Often, the carcass will be gutted on the spit after it has roasted for some time and stuffed before being put back over the flames for final roasting. There are those who allege that impalement can be done in such a way that the candidate remains alive for some time. Such claims are usually exaggerated for dramatic effect, but there have been incidents of seemingly-alert eye movements until the body has been place over the fire. Suffocation from the spit obstructing the throat ensures that life will not remain long after impalement, and the intense heat of the fire would lead to quick expiration in any case. Nonetheless, this method produces a high-quality dining experience and is one of the more popular methods.
Buffet Meals
This term usually refers to the practice of a live man or woman lying on a buffet table while customers who select body parts to be removed. Such events can leave a person alive for quite some time or lead to almost immediate death depending upon the discipline and objectives of the diners. Severed parts are prepared either on the spot using grills built into the buffet or are taken back to the kitchen for preparation and serving. Anaesthetic is usually used to prevent a horrific scene, and through psychological preparedness is required on the part of the meal. However, this was the centrepiece of modern cannibalism for its first several years and remains popular to this day.
Oven Roasting
Oven roasting covers a wide range of activities in while a whole human body, either alive or pre-converted, is placed in an over and roasted until perfectly prepared. Like spit roasting, the subject may be gutted and stuffed before, during, or after roasting. Unlike spit roasting, there have been many documented cases of live oven roasts living as much as an hour into their ordeal. Depending on heat and other factors, life can be extended quite extraordinarily. It is not even unknown to serve a meal where the limbs have been largely roasted but life lingers in the body. However, such events require a great deal of precision and pre-planning.
Luau Style
A popular style of whole body preparation is inspired by the famous Hawaiian luau. The carcasses is dressed, salted, wrapped in palm leaves, lowered into the ground oven, and covered in dirt. After a suitable period, the roasted flesh is dug out and unwrapped, resulting in a fragrant and tender meal. Live versions of this practice have been attempted with limited success, but the normal approach is to use a pre-converted carcass.
Grilling
Finally, the last whole-body method we will discuss is grilling. In this method, the body is placed on a heated gridiron over a fire and allowed to roast in the open. The body must be rolled over to prevent over-cooking on one side. This method is by far the most successful way of maximizing the life-span of a living meal and also allows good viewing for future diners. Hence it is very popular. Once again, if a live subject is to be used, anaesthetics are almost always used, and care must be taken to not allow the heats to exceed survivable temperatures initially.
Other Methods
Nearly every conceivable method has been used at one time or another to prepare human flesh for consumption. Most large restaurants boast of a non-traditional method that they consider a specialty. The variety of ingenuity brought to bear upon the problem of making a human body delicious is staggering. But the options for a good dining experience are thereby multiplied, making the world of cannibal dining one of the most rewarding endeavours available.
X. Cannibalism from Head to Toe
Part of the wonder and fascination of cannibalism is the amazing variety and splendour of the human body. Every part has its own secret pleasure. It is impossible, of course, to list all of the magnificent variety of applications dreamed up by the culinary mind. However, we will endeavour to present the chief characteristics.
Head and Neck
Often the first part to be removed from the body, the head is often the last to be consumed. At many full-body meals, the head is used as a table decoration, which can personalize the meal to the delight of all, especially if the person consumed is an acquaintance of the diners. After such a meal, a smaller group, usually the person who financed the meal, will have the privilege of consuming the head.
The head itself is seldom considered as a single whole, although cranial roasts have become the vogue in some localities. More often, however, the head is considered best when divided into its major parts. The brain, while requiring great care to ensure a safe preparation, is generally favoured either pickled or jellied, sliced thinly and served on toast. Alternatively, it can be scrambled and fried to good effect. The delicate muscles of the face are often considered the most tender in the body. Although the amount of meat is limited, they are often considered a delicacy. Ears, nose, eyes, and lips are all considered a special treat and may be prepared in various ways and served as finger food. The neck, if properly preserved, is a tender cut, most often served as an oven roast.
Shoulders and Arms
The large ball joints of the shoulders and the large muscles attaching the arms and upper back, are, after the legs, the meatiest regions of the body. And some believe that the shoulder, when roasted slowly in its own juices and judged solely on its meat quality, is one of the most flavourful cuts. Alternatively, the meat of the shoulder can be butchered into steaks for grilling or broiling.
The arms, while offering much smaller yield than the legs, can be served in similar ways. The round steaks that can be created by slicing the upper arms horizontally, are often renowned for their tenderness and flavour. Alternatively, the upper arm can be roasted with the bone in and served with potatoes or carrots for a traditional Sunday favourite. The less meaty forearm is usually cut into strips and commonly used for stir fry dishes. The elbow, if removed separately, is often boiled. However, butchering techniques vary, and often the joint is cut in the middle to leave no distinct elbow portion.
The hands and fingers, while scarce in flesh, are often served as starters, either whole roasted, boiled, or with the fingers severed and served as ladyfingers. Note, this sobriquet applies equally whether the fingers in question come from male or female volunteers. Like other recognizable pieces of the body, the hands and fingers have acquired popularity not strictly in line with their culinary attributes.
Breasts
Foremost amongst those recognizable parts whose reputation and value is not derived solely or primarily from their meat quality, the female breast is pound per pound, usually the highest priced portion of the body, exceeding even the genitals in popularity. And, despite this, it has always been a struggle to make the breasts palatable after removing them from the body. True, smaller breasts which lack a large amount of fatty content, can be prepared well and are generally reported to have a milky quality (although one suspects this attribute may be psycho-somatically motivated). But nonetheless, the fat content of larger breasts continues to present a problem.
There is, apparently, no lack of people willing and eager to consume the marginally palatable meals presented by breast meat, just because they have been socially programmed to do so. And there is no shortage of men willing to sing the hyperbolic praises of the female mammary.
However, we can consider ourselves fortunate that a number of innovative chefs have risen to the occasion and provided us with some of the true pleasures of the female breast. In fact, many restaurants have distinguished themselves by their creative breast preparations.
Amongst these creations, a few standouts are the crab and cream cheese stuffed breasts, which are a specialty of Chesapeake Charlie's in Baltimore, which have the male-pleasing benefit of further increasing the size of the breast in question, and the smokehouse breasts at Canni-Belle in Atlanta. The latter are smoked, sliced thinly, and served as a very tasty starter.
Ribs
Another favourite meal, is barbecued ribs. In this case, the notoriety is warranted as the flesh of the ribs, which if prepared correctly can be picked easily from the bones, is of unsurpassed flavour and tenderness. Some restaurants, especially those in the South, pride themselves on serving a great barbecue, and the ribs served in these places are in perpetual demand. Ribs can be roasted, grilled, or broiled as well to good effect.
Abdomen
The flesh of the abdominal wall, extending from the spine, across the belly, to the ribs above and pelvis below, varies greatly in quality from individual to individual and is one of the areas that can most benefit from an appropriate level of pre-conversion exercise. Overly fatty abdominal walls do not grill well, although the excess fat can be removed prior to cooking and used for frying other cuts. A well-toned abdomen, on the other hand, while not plentiful in flesh, provides some of the most desirable cuts of meat on the body. The belly, especially around and including the navel is popular. Although the meat quality may indeed be high, it is preferred mainly for its aesthetic qualities. From a meat quality standpoint, the tenderloin and sirloin, located on the sides and lower back of the body between the ribs, pelvis, and spine, is universally acclaimed. These cuts are best if served rare or medium rare and without further seasoning or adornment. The flavour of the meat should be allowed to shine through.
Internal Organs
Although some people refuse to consider most internal organs, these parts of the body can provide some of the most uniquely pleasurable dining experiences. The heart, by far the least objectionable organ, is a good strong muscle and, although it can be tough if over cooked, can be delicious if prepared properly. Lungs are often grilled or seared. Liver and spleen are often popularly fried with onions, but connoisseurs prefer to consume them raw. The metallic flavour is usually either craved or despised. The kidneys have a similar but more muted flavour and are usually baked or boiled. The sweetbreads (pancreas) are a popular dish when poached and braised. The spongy texture is alarming to some diners, but heavenly to others.
The organs of the digestive system, stomach and intestines, must be thoroughly sanitized before use as even a very thoroughly cleaned live human will still contain dangerous levels of coliform bacteria. However, with a thorough cleaning and sanitary cooking, they can be safely consumed. The most popular use for these organs is as a covering for sausages prepared from the miscellaneous morsels not used in steaks and roasts. This can include ground muscle and sinew as well as other organs. If not used for sausages, the intestines are usually cut into rings, which are deep fried or boiled.
Genitals
The pound-for-pound most valuable portion of the male carcass and the second most valuable portion of the female carcass is the genitals. The genitalia are unique insofar as it remains mildly taboo for the intact organs to be consumed by members of the same gender. This is especially true of the penis and testicles, which are not considered a masculine meal. However, many women rave about the qualities of a grilled or roasted penis. The testicles may be consumed as a unit with the penis or separately, sometimes pickled. The female internal and external genitalia are highly prized by male diners, and a hearty meal can be obtained from a single donor. The uterine wall in particular is deserving of this renown, as its texture is unique in the body, both muscular and soft it is a unique dining experience. The external genitals, labia and clitoris, are also deserving of praise. Although many a labia has been ruined as part of a careless spit roast, if intact, this morsel, though small, is worth experiencing.
Buttocks
The large muscles of the buttocks are an ample source of quality meat in most humans. They are also much benefited by a reasonable degree of pre-conversion exercise. A well-prepared rump roast can provide a satisfying meal for a large group of diners, and if sliced thinly can be used for sandwiches and as an ingredient in more complex recipes.
Thighs
The most plentiful meat on the human body comes from the thighs, which provide roughly 20% of the consumable flesh in the average carcass. The two most common methods of preparing the thighs is to slice into a series of steaks for grilling or broiling and baking whole as a ham, often seasoned with honey or pineapple. Either way, the meat can be made highly desirable. An additional option is to cook the whole thigh rotisserie style, which provides the same style of meat as a full-body spit roast but can be economically employed to feed smaller groups.
Legs and Feet
The knees are often roasted, boiled, or baked separately. Although more challenging to eat, they are worth the effort due to the quality of the meat in this joint. The gastrosoleus muscle of the calf is one of the largest bone-free portions of meat on the human body and is accordingly very flexible. The calves can be prepared as small steaks, roasted whole, diced for stir fry, or shaved for sandwich meat.
The feet, have the blessing and curse of being recognisable. There are those who will not venture near the feet for reasons born of a squeamish memory of their living function. However, if prepared properly, the tender muscles of the feet can be very tasty. They can be roasted, boiled, baked, or fried. The toes, not very meaty but tender, can either be served with the feet or severed and served in the same fashion as ladyfingers.
XI. Conclusions
It is clear that society has progressed a great deal in the last fifty years. From the standpoint of today it is shocking to realize how absurdly the taboo against cannibalism was enforced. From those backward times to today, we have become a nation unafraid of enjoying that most delicate and tender of all meats. We are sampling the flavourful world that was all around us but so very far away from a culinary perspective until Katherine "Tasty Kate" Marquette in 179 took the plunge and introduced us to the world we have come to love. We can thank her and those like her who have made our world what it is today.
Until you have enjoyed a few meals, you may feel shy about indulging in the cannibalism your friends and family have come to enjoy. The world may seem intimidating and frightening. But the editors of this book hope that the information contained herein will give you what you need to accomplish your goals, whether you prefer to eat or be eaten. It's all out there waiting for you. Bon appetite!
Appendix: Directory of ACHE Member Restaurants
Restaurant Name Est. City Notes
Alligator Heaven 199 Miami
Angel Café 194 Los Angeles
Big Apple's Cannibal Connection 186 New York (ACHE charter member)
Canni-Belle 201 Atlanta
Cannibal Carnival 212 New Orleans
Chesapeake Charlie's 228 Baltimore
Fit For Human Consumption 204 Seattle
Gulf Steam 219 Houston
Homo Delicious 188 San Francisco (ACHE charter member)
Jeff 'N Ed's 222 Milwaukee
MacDougall's Fine Dining 195 Boston
Maneater's 187 Washington (ACHE charter member)
McDonner's 215 Fast Food (200 locations nationwide)
Mile High Mike's 207 Denver
Tasty Kate's 179 Philadelphia (ACHE charter member)
Wendy's City Restaurant 188 Chicago (ACHE charter member)