Posted by Sawney Beane on July 08, 2007 at 12:22:03:
The Collected Works of Sawney Beane: Volume #113
BINDING ARBITRATION
by Sawney Beane
17 June 2004
871 words
DISTRIBUTION NOTICE and DISCLAIMER: Sawney Beane requests that any distribution of this work of fiction remain within the realm of social responsibility. This story is suitable neither for minors nor for the seeming majority of adults who have difficulty distinguishing fantasy from reality. It is pure fantasy, which means that, for whatever reason, someone has found it interesting to think about the events depicted herein. It does not in any way mean that the author would like to see this fantasy become reality, so if you are the type of person who might be swayed into doing something irrational by reading a work of fiction, the author respectfully requests that you decline to read further.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Sawney Beane, originally a native of Edinburgh, lived for twenty-five years in a cave on the coast of County Galloway, subsisting on the flesh of unfortunate travellers, roughly a thousand of them all told. He and his wife raised a large family of eight sons, six daughters, eighteen grandsons, and fourteen granddaughters. Eventually, the family was captured, and the whole lot was brutally and unjustifiably tortured and executed without trial. Since his death in the early 17th century, Beane has reformed his ways and now confines his atrocities to his literary endeavours.
WARNING: This story contains discussion of snuff and non-consensual gynophagia. If you find such things offensive, please steer clear; you have been warned.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Well, can I pull off a comic one?
----------------
Nigel Solomon, senior partner of Solomon and Wise Arbitration, Ltd., leaned forward and cleared his throat importantly before delivering his decision. "Mr. and Mrs. Leeds, we have come to a decision regarding the distribution of assets in your pending divorce proceedings."
Everyone in the room waited tensely for the proclamation. "Mr. Leeds," Solomon continued, "you're just going to have to eat your wife."
After a moment of stunned silence, Mr. and Mrs. Leeds protested almost simultaneously.
"Eat me?"
"Eat her?"
"Yes, sir, that is our decision," explained Graham Wise, junior partner in Solomon and Wise Arbitration, Ltd.
"But why?" exclaimed Richard Leeds. "Surely you can't be serious?"
"Ah," replied Mr. Solomon, "but we are indeed serious."
"Quite," added Mr. Wise.
"But...but," stammered Julia Leeds, "you can't do that!"
"Madam, I am afraid that it is entirely within our purview to order such an action. Frankly, I am surprised that you are so shocked at the decision. It is only natural, given the facts of the case."
"Facts?" cried Julia Leeds "What facts could lead you to such an insane suggestion?"
"It's not a suggestion, Mrs. Leeds," commented Mr. Solomon dryly. "It is the final verdict of our binding arbitration."
"Whatever!" exclaimed the exasperated woman, "but what could drive you to such a silly decision?"
"My dear Mrs. Leeds, need I remind you that you were discovered in flagrante with three members of your husband's golf foursome," explained Mr. Solomon.
"Yes," muttered Richard Leeds, "my member was the only one not in you."
"Ah," murmured Julia Leeds, involuntarily relishing the memory, "triple bogie!"
"Well, Mrs. Leeds, we have no choice but to award all of the marriage assets to your husband," remarked Mr. Wise.
"That's a bit harsh, isn't it?" asked Julia Leeds.
"Madam, your husband has suffered severe mental and physical trauma as a result of your irresponsible actions," scolded Mr. Solomon.
"Your husband has been completely unable to function either sexually or on the golf course since your little tryst," remarked Mr. Wise.
"Yes," exclaimed Richard Leeds angrily, "Julia, you ruined both my putters!"
"Well put, Mr. Leeds," said Mr. Solomon. "There really isn't any other decision we can make."
"OK, but what was this about eating me?" asked Julia Leeds.
"We have decided that your body should be included as one of the marriage assets," remarked Mr. Solomon with an offhand air.
"What!" exclaimed Julia Leeds, "You can't do that; slavery is illegal! I can't be a marriage asset."
"Indeed, madam, you are correct. For this reason, your body cannot be considered a marriage asset unless you are deceased," agreed Mr. Solomon.
"But you're talking about murder!"
"No, madam, the taking of life for any reason other than human consumption is illegal...in a word murder," explained Mr. Solomon.
"Which is why we have instructed your husband to eat you," continued Mr. Wise.
"All perfectly legal, and in this case just," remarked Mr. Solomon.
"But, but...." Julia Leeds could only stammer.
Richard Leeds has been looking at his wife, trying to imagine her steaming on a platter. He had wished it many times in the past, but now he couldn't quite bring himself to conceive of the horrible idea.
"But what if I don't want to eat her?" asked Richard Leeds.
"Well, she's quite an appetizing specimen," observed Mr. Wise, "I can't imagine why you would not choose to consume her."
"I am angry with her, but I don't want her to be killed and eaten," moaned Richard Leeds, "I'm not that kind of monster!"
"I'm sorry, Mr. Leeds, this arbitration is binding," remarked Mr. Solomon.
"You both signed the agreement," added Mr. Wise.
"You're saying there's no way I can get out of eating my wife?" asked Richard Leeds incredulously.
"There is only one way," suggested Mr. Solomon.
"What's that?" asked Richard Leeds, listening intently for the loophole.
"You can drop your divorce suit and reinstate your marriage," explained Mr. Wise.
"You're kidding," said Richard Leeds under his breath.
"It's the only other option, I'm afraid," said Mr. Solomon.
Richard Leeds sighed heavily and looked across the heavy oak table at his appetizing but unusually contrite looking wife. He knew what his decision would have to be, no matter how horrible it would be.
As Richard and Julia Leeds walked arm in arm out of the conference room pondering their resumed lives together, Nigel Solomon patted his partner Graham Wise on the shoulder, "You see, my boy," he said jovially, "it works every time."
"There's nothing like the feeling of knowing you a have saved a marriage," remarked Graham Wise, dripping with self-congratulations.
Outside in the hallway, Richard remarked to his wife. "All this talk has made me hungry. What do you say we stop by Maneater's for a bite?"
Julia smiled, "Yes, I'm hungry too. Sounds great."
"Yes, I think we could find a nice firm rump roast to share. Mmm, delicious."
Julia scowled, "Why do you always get to pick what we eat? Why can't we get a nice heaping plate of steamed testicles?"
"That's so sick," remarked Richard, "I don't see why you wouldn't like a nice grilled girl arse."
The bickering continued and intensified as the happy couple made their way back to the street.