Posted by Ripper X on October 18, 2005 at 21:24:59:
In Reply to: OK, guess the judges R ready? posted by Kojak on October 18, 2005 at 15:43:28:
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here before the eyes of your hero and all around sex god, me, to send this years class of 2005 to a hell which they honestly don’t deserve but truthfully there is no place for their particular talents . . . or the lack there of. It is my sincerest wish that all who contributed to this annual event die a slow and miserable death for torturing your brothers and sisters as you have. With that said, let us now get down to the business at hand, and finally get this over with once and for all.
I have dutifully endured the worst writings that the net has to offer, as per our agreement, I am now forced to shell out points in a fair and just manner. Let us first deal with the worst of the worst, the Nelli.
The Nominees are . . . well, there aren’t any as this ain’t the fucking Emmys you fucking loser. My vote for the Nelli is “John the Conquistador” by Moore. Not only was this story completely unreadable, but it was completely unreadable as well! Not to mention repetitious and repetitious.
On to the REAL points. After reading all of the stories, I actually had a hard time choosing who to dish out my points to. Some people it was easy. Easy to not give them any points that is. I wish that I could do it for all of the stories.
Dishonorable mentions for disqualification is “Glebes” by PK. This story was brilliant, but pointless, and if I ever see PK in person I’m gonna sick the nearest dog on him for wasting my time. There was no sex and no violence. WHAT THE FUCK?!?! Also Rache’s stories, who exceeded the 2 story limit, and also for failing to torture me with horrible fiction. I actually really enjoyed myself during the reading of both of them, and had to make myself stop reading the third. This just won’t do for a bad story competition! And I also disqualified “Blonde Goes BBQ” by Rathead. While it was a touching story of an old fat retarded blonde lady, I fear that the photo story impends on the very sanctity of the bad story competition “TEXT ONLY” format rules. It was worth a good shot though Ratty, and I’m sure that you would had donated your points to science, but I’ll have none of that humanitarian bullshit on my watch, you kraut-loving hippy!
With that said, it is now time, and with a heavy heart to award my points to the best of the worst. I do however get to dash hopes, and permanently end the dreams of those folks who didn’t win, so I guess that that is pretty cool too. YAY FOR ME!!!!
I grant the story “He Alien _____________” written by RolePlay 1 point. This tale was written from the perspective of The Incredible Hulk-like character, who didn’t yet possess the Hulks superior grasp of English Grammar. I think that we are very lucky that RolePlay didn’t emulate the speaking patterns of Bizzaro #1. “Superman’s worst friend never shut up about it later.”
I hereby grant the story “Hyperspace Is Just A Place, And I Don't Go There Anymore” written by NL 2 points. I came very close to granting it 3 points, but typically chose to think with my dick instead. SO SUE ME! This story was especially rotten. Not using paragraphs for the first half, then suddenly, out of nowhere, using them. Colorful phrases like, [She wondered if she would start liking it in the butt. Her psycho boss at the hamburger stand probably liked it like that. And if she found herself liking it back there, would she have to start buying carrots? She did have some carrots in the Amana, but she warned herself not to get as bad as her boss. There were some things you shouldn't do to food, not even if it was a vegetable.] are fucking priceless.
AND! I hereby grant the story “Teenage Hitgirls For The Mob” written by Chips Rafferty the coveted 3 points. Not only did he manage to make his shitty story purposely bad, but he was able to keep it erotic at the same time! Some of the lines were so bad that they were actually good! Lines like, ["No you can't do such a thing" I said feebly, my heart pounding fiercely, causing my ample breasts to rise and fall rapidly. "No, this is unfair. Have we not done everything you asked? Please, we are so young, and both of us so perfect. You can't kill us".] how could I (or my giant pulsing man-cock) not get into this?
I wish that I had more points to shell out, but Kojak only granted me that many, so please send all hatemail towards him. For those of you that didn’t win, I LAUGH!!! HA HA HA!!! I LAUGH AT YOU!!!
Woooooo! That was fun. . . can I go back to jackin’ off now?
Rev. Ripper X M.D.