here

Posted by rache on August 16, 2002 at 00:22:48:

This part of my life is over. I close the door and walk away.

3 months. I thought I would miss it, but I don't. I still have the dreams. I still hear things, at night like a hundred people shouting so I cover my ears and it makes me talk to myself, say things, anything. Just to hear something real and it pulls me away. Makes them go away. I've wondered if anyone else ever hear that. Or if it's only me. I've never told anyone about that part before.

I see red and black and it covers my eyes like a veil. Everything is changed now. There's no going back and if I could I wouldn't want to. The line I toe and beg to cross waits every moment. It always waits with infinate patience. I'll get there, no need to rush. I learned that somehow, somewhere. No need to hurry. I sprinted as fast as I was able and breathless gasping I bend over and see it. Wondering why I ran out of air at that particular place. That particular time. No answers. No answers.

This is old, the last thing I ever wrote and I didn't know why. But today I do. I've nothing new to say to you except goodbye. I owe you that much. And thanks, it helped.

======================

Life is a lesson,
You learn it when you're through.

Fiction by Rachael

I picked her up on I-10. Just as the desert was starting, hot and dry and murderous. She was younger than me, maybe 16. Maybe younger. A runaway for sure, just as I had been 3 years earlier at 17. I never looked back, except when the night was especially black. Especially cold.

I pulled over and watched her jog up to the car. She couldn't have been standing there too long. Young blonde girls never do. She had long legs and a denim jacket with flair all over it. I leaned over to open the passenger side door and waited while she looked inside, checking me out before she got in which was a little surprising. The girl smiled when she saw I wasn't some greasy, balding perv and I smiled back with a little toss of my head.

"Hop in." I said. And she did.

"Hi. I'm Tina. Thanks for stopping."

I looked in my mirror and pulled back onto the highway. "Angela. How far you going Tina?" I asked her without looking. "I'm going to Vegas."

Tina shrugged. "Cool. Vegas sounds cool." She had a little backpack and she dug into it, pulling out a crumpled pack of cigarettes and a lighter. "Smoke?"

I shook my head. It looked she had 2 left. "What kind of music you like?" It didn't really matter; I was pushing Eminem into the tape deck.

"Ska mostly." Well, she probably wasn't gonna like Marshall I thought with a smile. The word "fuck" is said about 217 times on that tape and in between we made a little chitchat. She was 17, she said, but I still wasn't sure I believed that, 15 more like, but it was none of my business. Her mom was a waitress in Long Beach and her old man had split a long time ago. Things go downhill, don't they? Hard to fight gravity. Well, she had a bright future in Vegas if she didn't mind spreading her legs. They eat the fresh meat for breakfast in that town; by the time she got to be my age she'd be hooked on something, in county lock-up, or dead. Inside or out, nobody survives.

"You got friends in Vegas?" I asked her. We were getting close, the sun was setting and I popped Kid Rock in the player, cause I wanna be a cowboy, baby.

"No, I don't know anybody." She started looking nervous. Like it just occurred to her that I might drop her off on the strip and forget all about little blonde Tina. "Uh, where are you goin?"

"Me? I'm going to my job." I looked at her.

"What do you do?" she asked

"Whatever they pay for me for, sugar." I smiled tightly. "You ever work?"

"Yeah, sure, I waited tables before." She lit another cigarette and cracked the window so the dry desert air made a soft whistling sound.

I laughed at her then. "No, I mean worked...Are you a virgin?"

"No, no, of course not!" She said it a little too quick, a little too loud. Oh yeah, little Tina fucked all the boys. Right.

"Look, maybe I can just drop you off at the YWCA, you can get a room cheap, call your mom...Get a bus home or something in the morning and..."

"No, please, I don't wanna call her, okay?" So, it was like I had a little sister all of a sudden. Great. If I really cared, I woulda flagged down a cop and just handed her over. I'd have gotten her off someplace safe and let her get back home to whatever private hell life had cooked up for her back in the LBC. But I'd been there, and clipping an angel off her wings this quick didn't seem fair.

"Look, Tina, you can go with me but..." I looked at her. She was starting to cry a little. "I'm a prostitute, you know? A whore." It wasn't exactly the truth, but what was? Better to scare the little girl right away than have to deal with it later. She didn't say anything. "You come with me if you want, or I drop ya at the Y, you decide."

"What...what if I come with you?" She sounded like the little girl she was, like she shrunk right in front of my eyes.

"Then, probably you're gonna have to work. It's not that bad, mostly the guys ain't so bad, they just want to have a good time. Who knows, you might even like it." I caught my reflection in the rearview mirror. "It's been known to happen."

"But...we can like work together? Right?"

I put my hand on her bare thigh and squeezed gently. "I don't know baby, I don't know."

And that's how I drove past the YWCA and Tina's last chance. We were coasting, downhill all the way to the bottom with the bull god. Fuckin-A. I stopped at a Texaco and hustled her into the ladies room. She was a mess, both of us really; six hours in a car pretty much does that. So I cleaned her up, gave her my lipstick and brushed her hair. She really did look cute, so vulnerable. I looked at us in the mirror like two versions of the same girl. Before and after, what a difference a couple of years makes.

I put her jacket over her shoulders. "Hey what's this?" It was a little black button with pink letters that said 'Intellectual Slut'

"You like it? You can have it."

I unclipped it and pinned it to the strap on my purse and gave her a hug. "You ready girlfriend?" Whatever she said I didn't hear it; doesn't matter anyway - Nobody's ever ready, but you still gotta go

I pulled the car into the dark alley behind the parlor; Stan's Camino was there, like always. "Wait here, okay? Don't get out, just chill a minute and let me find a friend of mine. I'll be right back." I got out and made a wide berth around some old wino digging through the dumpster. He was muttering to himself and I looked back at Tina one last time before I went into the Parlor.

"Hey gorgeous! Where the fuck you been?" It was Paulie, the numbers guy. He didn't really work there, just kind of watched the place and answered the pay phone next to the back door.

"Workin, baby...Gotta horse for me?" I grinned at him and looked around a little nervously for Stan. I was starting to have second thoughts about bringing Tina here.

"You don't wanna know what horses I got, fuckin horses." The phone rang and he picked it up while I slipped around the corner.

Stan was in his office watching wrestling. As soon as he saw me I knew it was okay, sometimes it ain't with Stan. He held out his hands and I tossed him my purse, he unzipped it and pulled out the envelope with a lot of green stuffed inside. "How much?"

"Thirty-two, got a cigarette?" He tossed me the pack of Marlboro's on his desk and I reached for the lighter. "I fucked my ass off. No more conventions for awhile, 'kay Stan?""

He looked down, around his desk at me and laughed when I turned sideways and pushed my butt out for him. "Nah, you still got some." He counted off eight hundred and put the bills in my purse, sliding it back to me.

"I mean it, those fuckin republicans just want ass...Every last one except that bitch from Denver."

"You fucked a bitch? What'd you get?"

"Two-fifty, her and her old man for an hour. Perverts." I puffed the cigarette wondering what it was with politicians in general, and republicans in particular. Next time, I swore, I was going to join a convent before I'd do another convention. "Hey, I got somethin to show ya."

"What?"

"It's out in my car, come on."

Stan followed me out, but he wasn't too happy about it. "This better be something good...hey! Hey!" he spotted the wino in his dumpster, and yanked him out by his collar, tossing him onto the asphalt with a thud. "Get the fuck outta here!" Stan kicked him a couple times while the guy got to his feet, and I crushed out my cigarette while I waited until the haggard old man had stumbled off with Stan kicking him in the ass all the way down the alley.

I was leaning on my car when he came back, brushing off his pants and bitching about what a shithole Vegas was turning into. "Guy can't get no fuckin respect no more!" Yeah yeah, I heard it all before. I jerked my thumb at the passenger window and Stan looked inside. "What the fuck is that?"

"It's a kid Stan, she wants to work." I opened the door and Tina got out, shivering despite the warm evening air. She hugged herself defensively and looked at me while Stan looked at her.

"How old are you girl?" He was putting on his cowboy pimp act.

"I'm 17" Tina said, still looking at me, but I didn't say anything. This was between them now.

"Bullshit, don't fuck with me." Tina just stood there, unwilling to admit she'd just lied to him. "You wanna work, you wanna be a slut like this bitch?" He looked pointedly at me.

"I...I can do it." Tina said it softly, but with a little tone of defiance in her voice. She was looking down at her shoes.

"Okay," Stan reached into his pocket and pulled out a Jackson. "Blow me."

"What? I...I don't..." She looked confused and it made me smile.

"Here's 20 bucks, get on your fuckin knees and suck my dick." She didn't move and Stan looked at me and held the bill out. "You wanna make 20 bucks?" I laughed out loud then. "Take the bitch to the bus station, get her back to Auntie Em. You're testin me, you love this shit don'tcha?" He was laughing too. "Always somethin with you. I shoulda been a plumber!" He turned and started walking away.

I started moving to get my keys out of my purse and Tina's eyes went wide. She bent down slowly, kneeling on the pavement and called out in a loud voice "Wait!"

I watched Stan turn around and walk back until Tina could reach for Stan's crotch. "Whoa!" Stan backed away. "I think we got a live one here." Tina just stayed there, unsure of what to do next while we looked down at her.

He moved over, leaning next to me on the car. "I can't use her baby, you know that." I nodded. "So why the fuck did you bring her here?"

I shrugged. "Cause you got a way with women Stan, I couldn't leave her. She don't wanna listen. What the fuck was I gonna do?"

"Okay, look. I know a guy, name's Mike, over on Fillmore. He's cool. Here, gimme a pen." I fished one out of my purse and he wrote a phone number down and gave it to me. "You get me $500, finder's fee. No bullshit, he starts dickin you, just walk, got it?" He looked at her. "Ask for a grand, won't get it, but what you get over 5 is yours. See you tomorrow. Without the bitch, I see her again I ain't gonna be happy, got it? Get the fuck outta here, make me some money."

"Love you too Stan." I laughed as he waved his hand at me.

In the car I tried to tell Tina it was gonna be okay, but I really didn't know. I didn't sound real convincing. I was kind of pissed at myself for being such a dope, bringing her to Stan, what did I expect? I was lucky Stan didn't kick my ass, hers too. I pulled up at the same Texaco and used the pay phone. The guy, Mike, asked me to call him back in 5 minutes after I told him who I was and where I got his number. He just wanted to call Stan and find out if I was legit, that was okay. Ten minutes later we were on our way out of Vegas, to an old ranch house in the desert. It was lonely and I wasn't too happy about this, I started thinking I should just turn around, but then I'd still owe Stan the 5 and he wasn't gonna let me off after I'd fucked with him like that. So, I kept going. It was really black out there, must have been some clouds way up high because there wasn't a star to be seen. I started missing home.

Tina didn't say anything, and I was glad cause I wouldn't have had any answers for her anyway. The kind of guys interested in girls like her, and willing to pay a finder's fee, weren't like Stan. They weren't even like people, more like vampires or something. I'd seen them, bumped hips a couple of times and it always hurt. That was their thing and I was hoping I was wrong, but I knew I wasn't. Stupid bitch for running away, stupid bitch for picking her up. I looked at her in the weak glow of the headlights on the road ahead. "Couple of stupid bitches, ain't we?"

She just nodded and so it was.

I parked in front of a dark rusty truck and we got out. The house was old, looked kind of beat up. I doubted anyone actually lived here, just a good spot to do business. We walked across the sand together, and up onto a wooden porch. I knocked on the door and the outside light turned on, momentarily blinding us. The door opened and a big guy, fat with a beard opened the door. He let us in and shut off the outside lights. Heavy drapes covered the windows; an old couch and a banged up TV were the only things worth mentioning in the room.

A smaller, blond guy came through some curtains and looked at us. "Who's dealin?" He had dark eyes and pale skin, rare for this part of the country. I guess he didn't get out in the sun too much.

"I am, you Mike?"

"No, Mike ain't here, I'm Steve. What's the deal?"

I jerked my thumb in Tina's direction. "She wants work, I'm collecting."

"How much?"

"Twelve hundred, she's fresh."

"Twelve? What the fuck is that? She's fresh." He chuckled. "I got six, take it or leave it."

"I gotta have eight hundred for my old man."

"Can't do eight, six or nothin'."

I turned around, "Come on Tina."

"Hey...hold on, wait a sec...She's ready to go tonight?" I nodded. "Hey, Tina, right? You bleedin? Got your period like?" Tina shook her head no. "Seven fifty, that's it, all I got."

"I'm out 50? Fuck that. Eight."

He spread his hands. "Sorry babe."

I looked at him. "Seven fifty, and I watch."

"Huh? You wanna baby-sit?"

"Hey, I'm payin 50 out of my own pocket, I wanna watch."

"You like it, huh?" He grinned at me.

"She's my sister." I grinned back watching his face go from confusion to laughter as he caught the joke.

"Oh yeah, fucking great. Well, just be a good girl, okay sis?" Mike got us a couple beers while we waited. The TV was fuzzy and the sound was shot, but we weren't watching anyway.

"What are we gonna do?" Tina asked me softly. The big guy with the beard was leaning against the front door, watching us.

"We're gonna hang out, wait til they call you and then see what's what. Don't worry about it, the first time is always the worst." I lied. "You get through this and it's all downhill." I knew what was coming and Tina didn't. I think that made it easier for her. I was starting to feel a little bad, my stomach knotting up the way it does sometimes when I know I'm in trouble. I looked back on the day, wondering where I'd gone wrong and why I hadn't been able to stop this from happening. Because I could have you know.

When it was time we were led into an old bedroom. There was nothing in it except some video equipment and a plain twin sized bed. But at least it was clean. There was masking tape on the floor showing where the camera angle cutoffs were and a plain blue sheet was hanging for a background. I sat down on the short rough carpet, leaning against the wall well out of camera view. I took Tina's jacket and her bag and watched Steve lead her to the bed.

Another guy came in, I recognized him. He'd come around sometimes, dealing with Stan. His name was Dave and I'd fucked him a couple times and it was pretty good. He handed me a beer and a cigarette, resting his back against the wall so I was sitting next to his legs. "You babysitting now?" he asked, and when I said I was he counted out $850 and handed it down to me. "She's cute, you done good. There's an extra c-note for ya, I might need somethin later."

I pushed the bills into my purse and we watched silently as Steve started adjusting lights and checking his video equipment. I sipped my beer while I watched 3 guys come into the room naked except for black ski masks. They were all white guys, one had a couple large band-aides on his arms, covering tattoos or birthmarks maybe. They didn't talk and the video was already running when they approached the bed.

Tina was looking at me, shielding her eyes from the bright lights. I tried to give her a reassuring smile, but I doubt she could see it anyway. The three men obviously been chosen for their impressive endowments, as well as their undisguised enjoyment of rough sex. I couldn't help but stare as the first one grabbed Tina's face in his two large hands and began forcing his penis into her mouth. It was obvious she'd never done anything like that before and the guy slapped her a couple times to get her to open wider. He was fucking her face while she sobbed, her hands held by the other two men who kept her body from moving too much as she struggled. Steve moved around the room with another camera, keeping clear of the tape marks and using the zoom to get close-ups of Tina's first blowjob.

I couldn't see her face, but from the way she pushed and pulled at the men holding her it was clear this wasn't what she'd expected, or wanted. The sounds of her choking and gagging filled the room and when the first guy pulled away, another immediately replaced him until all three had taken a turn bruising Tina's soft pouting lips. When I saw her face I was a little shocked, but not much, her eyes were red and puffy from crying. Her lipstick was smeared around her limp mouth and she looked terrified. She wasn't so cute anymore, I thought, and that was too bad. But it didn't really bother me too much, she wanted to work, I told myself. It was her own damn fault. The knot in my stomach was going away.

We watched while they ripped off her clothes and mounted her one by one, the first man taking her virginity and making her scream. He was unnecessarily violent I thought, beating her with his open palms while he fucked her, but I didn't say anything. I just watched as the other two held her down and vulnerable so their friend could force his huge cock inside her relentlessly. They moved her legs over his shoulders at one point, and we watched fascinated as she took his entire length until his heavy balls pressed against her rosebud anus. I found myself rubbing my crotch through my hipsters, feeling a wetness growing despite having been fucked countless times over the last 3 days in LA. My friend next to me turned slightly and unzipped his pants so I could suck him off while we watched. Time to earn my hundred, but I didn't mind.

Tina was crying out, pleading with me to stop them. But I didn't bother trying to answer her. Didn't she know? It couldn't be stopped now; I'd sold her. She wasn't even a person anymore; she was a thing to be used. What did she think I'd been doing while she stood there watching and listening? I sucked Dave's cock in my mouth harder, trying to concentrate on that, but my eyes were always drawn back to Tina's lithe young body being gang raped by those three men and their massive cocks. They took turns at her, changing her position and moving from one hole to the next. One man finally took her in the ass while she was impaled on one of his friends, the double penetration was beautiful and I tasted warm sperm as my friend began ejaculating into my hungry mouth. I swallowed him and held him there, licking and sucking him clean until he pulled himself reluctantly away.

I got up and went into the kitchen to get another beer and washed the salty, slightly creamy taste of cum down my throat with a big swallow, swishing the foam around in my mouth. Tina's moans and sobs were softer now, but they still seemed to fill the empty house with a chilling, terribly lonely sound. I stayed in the kitchen, stealing a cigarette from a pack lying on the dirty table covered with old food and trash. I lit it on the stove and when I turned around Dave was there, reaching for another beer in the fridge.

"How'd you like to make 800 more?" he asked me.

"I didn't know my mouth was that good." I grinned at him. "Don't tell me I've been givin it away all this time!"

He laughed. "No, you're good, but I have something else in mind."

"What about Stan?" I asked, taking a deep drag. "He's gonna want a piece of whatever I do."

"He don't gotta know from me." He gave me a cute little boy grin, but I shook my head.

"Yeah, right."

He pulled out a gold money clip and peeled off a grand. "Take care of your old man, baby."

"What do I gotta do?" But I had a feeling I already knew. Eighteen hundred dollars paid for more than just a little gangbanging.

He pushed the money in my hand. "I don't know. Just do whatever Steve tells you, I gotta get back to town." He kissed me on the cheek. "You get tired of Stan, come see me, I'll make it worth your while. And his."

I had another cigarette before I wandered back into the bedroom. They'd been going at it nearly an hour and now they had Tina on her stomach, one guy pulling her mouth down on his cock while another fucked either her ass or pussy from behind, I couldn't tell which. She wasn't resisting anymore; she was almost limp. But still making soft, sad noises and that was good enough. The third guy was getting dressed in the corner and the one who had just cum in her mouth soon joined him. The last guy, definitely fucking her pussy, was slapping her thighs hard, making her cry out softly with each loud smack of his hand on her bare flesh. She had red marks and angry bruises all over her back and thighs. The bright white lights made every little flaw stand out on her once beautiful skin.

He pulled her around, rolling so that he was underneath and her body faced his feet and the camera. Her face hung down and her long golden hair was wet and dirty looking. He grabbed her already bruised breasts, small and firm with hard bubblegum nipples, and squeezed them, digging his fingers into her young body as he thrust himself between her spread legs. Steve zoomed in on her splayed sex as it swallowed his thick cock and when he started cumming deep inside her he lifted Tina under her arms so that his shooting cock pulled out, spurting across her heaving flushed body.

The guy stood up, rubbing his wet cock on Tina's face and in her hair before moving out of the taped area. He dressed quickly while Tina lay there, unmoving except to cry softly. The three guys left the room and all that remained were Steve, Tina, and I. Steve left the video on and crooked a finger to me so that I'd cross over to him in the little makeshift dressing area so recently vacated. He whispered to me and handed me a leather hood which I slipped on, over my head and tying it loosely under my chin. I stripped and removed my jewelry; he gave me some tape to cover the tattoo on my ankle.

I approached the bed and sat down. Poor Tina, I thought, she should have stayed home. Nothing could be as bad as this; I hope she knew that now. I hoped she'd learned her lesson. I felt my nipples hardening as I stroked her heated flesh. I traced my fingers over her bruises, around the small bites and cuts, and welts. I explored her body gently, touching all the places she'd been hurt. My hands were soft, soothing and she opened her eyes to look at me. But all Tina could see was another mask, the long black leather of my hood. She stared into my eyes and her swollen lower lip trembled. I'd imagined she was done crying, that she'd already spent a lifetime of tears, but she hadn't, not yet. Wetness rolled down her cheeks and I hugged her to me, I shushed her softly and rocked her in my arms. I turned her gently, moving her until she sat up facing the camera. Her eyes were confused, she tried talking to me, to say something, but I didn't want to hear it, I put a finger to her bruised lips.

I stood up on the stained mattress, holding Tina's head in my hands as I straddled her, standing with my feet on either side of her hips, my back to the camera. I pulled her mouth to my sex, urging her silently to lick my pussy. I pushed myself against her mouth and felt her resisting, but only slightly. Tina was broken, the men had done their job well and the first hesitant touch of her tongue made me gasp softly. I rocked against her, my fingers digging into her messy hair and holding her to my burning cunt. Tina began licking me harder, sensing that it would be easier if she pleased me somehow, but her body was tense. She was crying softly while she did it and that only made it better for me.

I felt myself cumming, a small orgasm at first that went through me with a pleasant shudder, and then a real one, sweet and powerful, forcing me to grind myself against her open mouth as the wetness spilled out of my body. I was breathing heavily, huffing against the leather hood, pushing it out and sucking it back in as a thousand daggers slipped through my womb. I closed my eyes against the sensation, watching the darkness fill with blossoms of the sweetest colors imaginable. My knees were weak, and I clutched Tina tightly between my quivering thighs, pressing them against her cheeks until finally the wonderful sensations passed through me and away. I moved again, slowly, relaxing my grip and letting her breathe as I rubbed myself across her face.

I moved behind her, sitting so we both faced the camera. Her body glistened beneath the harsh white glare of the lights and I rubbed my hands across her face. I forced her mouth open, pulling at her lips with my fingers and making her lick my fingers clean. I cradled her for a moment, pulling her back against my breasts. I wrapped my legs around her waist, locking my ankles. We posed for the camera like that a long minute before I wrapped my fingers around her thin, delicate neck and began squeezing. I dug my nails into her throat even as she began to thrash, her hands coming up to my wrists, trying to pull them away. I held her tightly, holding her with my legs as I scissored her ribs, crushing her abdomen, forcing the air out of her lungs as I slowly strangled her. Her hands went to my face, ripping at the leather executioner's hood, but unable to pierce it with her fingernails, nor pull it loose from my face. Her efforts were useless and weakening. I groaned with the effort as I closed my fingers tightly, using the back of her neck for leverage on my palms. Tina spasmed once, twice...and then a third and final jerk before her arms dropped lifelessly across my taut thighs. I held her that way a few more minutes, until my arms burned with the effort and then I let Tina go, cradling her gently to my breasts once again.

I got up slowly, letting her slip to lay alone on the mattress stained with her virginal blood. Steve moved around, recording different angles while I moved off camera and pulled off the hood. My face was hot, flushed and the cooler air felt good. I didn't look at her again.

the end
rache18us@yahoo.com

ps -
when i come crawling
you can laugh
and tell me you knew
i'd be back