Space Toad II - The search for Surfergirl

Posted by PK on April 25, 2003 at 02:45:03:

A shameless piece of pandering to popular taste (OK, two of you) by PK

Weeks had passed and Albert still hadn't located Surfergirl. It wasn't for want of trying. He
had contacted her via the Woman Eater discussion board, inviting her to be his dinner and
she had responded enthusiastically at first, but realistic arrangements were not forthcoming
and he realised that she wasn't taking him entirely seriously. Well, that was to be expected. If
too many people did, he might be in trouble. It looked like he was going to have to do it the
hard way and find out where she actually was.

Some of you may be wondering why a superintelligent Galactic entity was making such
heavy weather of locating one mere human. Simple. He was not superintelligent. Albert was
no Einstein. He no more understood how his spacecraft worked than most Earthlings would
know how to built a lunar lander. In fact, although it would be unfair to call him an idiot, he
was not exactly an educational overachiever. That's what comes of spending most of your
school years daydreaming about eating the entire female cast of Baywatch or whatever
steamy daytime soap you watched last. His knowledge of Earth geography was sketchy at
best and he was no computer wizard. He'd been able to get on the Internet only because his
onboard system had a preloaded piece of software that matched his equipment to Terran
communication protocols. For those of you who actually believe you can crash the computer
system of an alien spacecraft with a Mac laptop I don't want to get too heavy here, but he
couldn't just plug in his system and 'suck out' the information he wanted. Just take my word
for it. He had to grope around just like the rest of us.

Don't think that Albert was going hungry while he persevered in his search. Far from it. His
days were mostly spent stalking and eating his favourite game, and after weeks of adding
practical experience to his theoretical knowledge - the one subject he really excelled at -
Albert was an expert. With his larder already full to bursting he could afford to pick and
choose, particularly as his knowledge of likely hunting grounds increased.

One very fruitful location, he found, was in the pools of Hollywood producers and film stars.
Everybody knows that these are permanently stocked with aspiring young actresses, who will
immediately remove what little clothing they still have on at the first sign of a party. Albert
became adept at hiding in these pools during cover of morning (none of these people get up
before noon) on the day a big bash was scheduled and simply waiting. By the time events
were in full swing it was the easiest thing in the world to eat a couple of naked starlets while
they were splashing about in the water. If they screamed a bit, nobody noticed and it would
probably be days, if ever, before anybody noticed that one or two less came out of the water
than went in. Even if anybody saw him, giving the usual mental state of the participants, they
probably wouldn't know what they were seeing or be believed if they did.

You may gather from this that Albert was not always being scrupulous about seducing his
prey. Sadly, it's true. He would still have preferred to, and did the best he could, but there
were just some situations where it wasn't possible to do a really good job of it, and where the
food was simply too tempting to resist. Albert was a glutton in the midst of plenty and he
intended to enjoy it.

On one special occasion, greatly daring, Albert decided to fullfil a lifelong ambition and catch
himself a lifeguard. Approaching from the sea opposite her station, having reconnoitred the
sitiuation thoroughly, he attracted her attention by making thrashing motions like those of a
swimmer in trouble, taking care not to show enough of himself to arouse suspicion. Sure
enough, out she came. It wasn't easy getting her one-piece swimsuit off while she struggled
and fought but once he managed to split it with his foreclaws without damaging her the rest
was no problem. Getting her feet into his mouth was hardly easier, but he managed that too.
After that it was sheer bliss. Fortunately she was starting to weaken by then, or possibly she
was starting to enjoy it, and her final struggles added piquancy to the meal without disturbing
his pleasure as he slipped her strong long-legged body into his gullet. Wonderful! He would
have liked to eat a few more like her but he didn't want to push his luck. A lifeguard would be
missed and if he overdid it he could get caught. A stronger argument for moderation than
virtue, every time.

One evening, while he was digesting a particularly buxom young redhead he'd seduced in
her bath - yes, traditional values had not entirely died in him - the breakthrough came. I won't
bore you with the details but he'd finally found out where Surfergirl lived.

There was, however, a problem. More than one, in fact. The first was that Surfergirl didn't
live in the area designated by his Lurking Permit. The second was that the permit itself was
due to expire very soon. Albert sighed - and belched a little. A sure sign of distress in a
Space Toad. If the redhead wasn't such a comforting prescence in his bloated belly, he might
well have felt seriously discontent. It was those damned athletic contests on TV that had
done it. All those wonderfully healthy young women running about in outfits that left their
limbs and bellies tantalisingly bare had seduced him, he could swear to it. It wasn't his fault,
he'd just had to have one. So, he'd spent days waiting for the right opportunity. Finally he'd
found a lovely promising track star practising on her own in the evening and prepared a
surprise for her in the locker room. Oh, alright, it had been worth it but attempts to repeat the
success had been difficult and he'd only got three more before returning to eating girls in
their homes. It had been fun but it had cost him time on his search and now it might be too
late.

The next day he had some unexpected good news. One of the Woman Eating Things From
You Know Where had been reduced to a puddle of slime, after a dispute over the limitations
of his hunting rights, by one of those frightening dark suited dudes. In view of this, Albert
applied for and got an extension of his time limit. Things were looking up. Of course, there
were serious considerations about the consequences of violating the territorial limitations to
think about, and Albert had to ask himself whether it was really so important. Don't be
greedy, he told himself (Imagine his rational side advising him like a good angel ) you've
had more than your share of luck. More tasty prey than you could ever have expected. It's
been great. Be sensible.

Space Toads have a lot in common with Humans, oddly enough. 'Nah', he thought, 'I wanna
eat her, so there! Let's go for it!'

Accordingly, he began to lay his evil plans.

THe territoriality issue had no legal solution, but hopefully he could get around that if nobody
noticed and he wasn't gone too long. After all, she was only one young woman and if she
disappeared at sea it shouldn't cause too much trouble. Albert studied her known behaviour
patterns assiduously. All he had to do was to catch her practising her favourite hobby when
nobody was watching and - slurp! she'd be his. Accordingly, Albert readied his ship, crossed
his claws, (and two of the retractible auxiliary tentacles inside his mouth for good measure)
and took flight in search of his prey.

Dawn found Albert watching Surfergirl practising her favourite hobby, wondering whether it
would be better to surprise her in the sea - salty! Yuck! - or wait for an opportune moment as
she relaxed on the beach. (SG, if you hate getting up early, you'll have to tell me so I can
revise this!) Unfortunately, he had been preempted. Unknown to him, another sinister Entity
From Beyond had his beady eyes on her too. As Albert watched Surfergirl gliding in on a
wave - so gracefully! - she suddenly disappeared in a splash and a flurry of what looked
suspiciously like tentacles. Disaster! Throwing caution to the winds, Albert plunged into the
sea and made the best speed he could to the spot where his beloved Surfergirl had vanished
beneath the waves.

He arrived at last to find a horrifying sight. A large multi-tentacled creature had the object of
his desire in its clutches, and was even now intent on removing the last shreds of her wetsuit
- not an easy task in salt water, with a still struggling victim. It was a Sirian Space Squid!
With a Toadish battle cry, rather like the amplified croak of a seriously pissed off bullfrog,
Albert hurled himself into the fray.

The Squid himself was not best pleased at this interruption of his breakfast. You may be sure
he protested long and loud as he fended off Albert's attack, but not, of course, in English. Oh,
for one of those convenient Universal Translators that make SF stories so much easier to
follow. If only we could eavesdrop on this conversation, what wonders might we learn?

Well, we can. It went roughly like this:

"Get your filthy little tentacles off her, she's mine!"

"Whaddaya mean yours? I grabbed her first."

"I saw her first."

"I peeled her."

"I've been stalking her for weeks."

"Tough shit. Finders keepers.."

"Like hell. Get OFF her!"

"Make me you warty freak."

"You asked for it.."

"Ow! That hurt! get your claw out of my eye!"

"Make ME."

"Now I'm getting really mad."

"Ouch. Yow!"

"Ughghhh grunt **!1&%%[]]**** fzpkking toads...."

You get the idea.

As this battle of the titans escalated, both contestants lost track of Surfergirl, who slipped out
of the Squid Thing's tentacles and managed to stand up, thigh deep in the water. It was
difficult to see who was winning, but the Toad seemed to be having a rough time of it.

You may have wondered who would win in a fair fight between an Aldebaranian Toad and a
Sirian Space Squid. Keep wondering. By some trick of the current, SG's surfboard had drifted
back to her. Heaving it above her head in a wide arc, she swung it down edgewise on the
back of the SSS's head. All his tentacles went limp and he let out a hissing groan.

"Aaagh! The sneaky bitch! She HIT me!"

Albert had been mad enough already. Now he was really miffed.

"Don't you dare speak about my sweet little Surfergirl like that!" he snarled, redoubling his
attack. The Squid had just about had enough of this. There were plenty of easier ways to
catch his breakfast. Muttering curses and vague threats he slipped off into the waves and
disappeared.

Surfergirl was exhausted and confused. What on Earth - or off it - was this thing? It had
appeared out of nowhere to rescue her and she felt she ought to thank it but hadn't the
faintest idea how. The giant toad squatted there, half submerged, presumably getting his
breath back.

"Thanks a lot Mr. errr... Toad? Are you really from Outer Space? Do you want me to take
you to our leader?" It sounded inane even as she said it but nothing more appropriate came
to mind. Unless...

"I've got some sandwiches if you're hungry."

Albert's tongue flicked out and caressed her between the legs. Surfergirl jumped slightly but
tried not to overreact. Was this how extraterrestrial intelligences normally said hello? Bravely
she tried to carry on a conversation as the tongue slid all over her body, touching and tasting
her in some rather ticklish places. Actually, it felt quite nice in a kinky sort of way. She
wondered how long it would be before that good old Universal Translator kicked in. She'd
seen Star Trek too - who hasn't? People from Mars?

(to be continued, depending how long the beer holds out)

You may think Surfergirl was being just a touch naive. Maybe so, she was a trusting soul, but
remember, she was trying not to cause an interstellar diplomatic faux pas, and besides, she
didn't want to seem ungrateful to her rescuer. In addition, Albert's seductive pheromones
helped her accept his caresses and, after all, she had always been adventurous. Nontheless,
her brain hadn't entirely switched off. It had not escaped her attention that this was looking
less like an episode of Gene Roddenberry's brainchild and more like something from a fifties
monster flick. Could it be....

Albert's tongue flicked down to her ankles and pulled. Surfergirl lost her footing and
floundered on her back in the surf. What was that odd, warm sensation on her feet?

'Hey! Stop that!'

She realised that the Toad Thing had her feet in its mouth up to the ankles. This was
definitelely taking interspecies intimacy too far. It was almost as if....

What if it hadn't been rescuing her? What if it had just been fighting over a tasty morsel?
What if...

Those of you who follow these epics will remember that Space Toads can communicate with
their prey on a broad empathic level. Albert couldn't contain his desire to express his delight
to the object of his affections. Surfergirl got the gist of it. She was the best breakfast he'd had
in ....well, some unspecifiable time. Suspicions confirmed. He was eating her.

'No! I'm not your breakfast! Stop it! HELLLP!!!'

Frantically she began to struggle but it was hard going. The Thing's grip on her legs hardly
allowed her to kick and thrashing in a couple of feet of water gave her no means to pull
away. As Albert blissfully sucked her in she wriggled and screamed frantically for help. As he
took her in up to the waist she even tried pounding with her fists on his warty snout.

Albert would have chuckled indulgently to himself if he could have done it with a mouthful of
writhing girl. 'Playing hard to get', he thought fondly.

She wriggled, she hit, she screamed, yelled and cursed - all to no avail. In she went, toes,
calves, thighs, hips, waist, belly....

Oh bliss! For Albert, that is. SG was still not persuaded that this was a really good career
move. As she fought, she reflected that her role as an Interstellar diplomat was a complete
bust. The best that she could hope for now was a favourable mention in the Space Monster's
good food guide. Actually, it didn't feel that bad....those internal cilia did tickle rather nicely...

[Defiance. Don't think like that! ]

[Nice firm breasts (yummy!) and strong shoulders....a gourmet's delight.]

'Hey, that's rude....yow! Stop it! Ohhhhhhh.......Ohhh ...don't do that...stop ...don't ...stop..'

Please don't get the wrong idea. Surfergirl fought to the last, though it made no difference.
Albert quite enjoyed eating a spirited meal. As her blonde head disappeared between his
slavering rubbery lips, Albert licked them with his lasciviously slimy tongue in a connoiseur's
gesture of appreciation. This had been some morning! She was still writhing and kicking
inside him as he eased his way out of the sea and made a leisurely journey back to his ship.
An unpleasant surprise awaited him there. Two dark suited gentlemen were standing by what
he had hoped was his well camouflaged entrance.

Oops, thought Albert.

To be concluded.

(sorry, SG, I couldn't find a way to put the cream or the cherry topping into this bit. You may
be pleased to know that the Squid had a bad headache for days and on cold mornings he still
wakes up with a stiff neck)

'Is there anything I can do for you gentlemen?' tried Albert hopefully.

'AlBB**/!! Knplok'' TTssskk $$9?' asked one of the grim looking dudes. It wasn't really a
question. They knew who he was and he knew who they were. There was no point
prevaricating. Albert's spirits fell.

'That's me.' he admitted.

'Are you aware that you're in breach of the conditions of your Lurking Permit, specifically,
being out of your territory?'

Albert knew it would do him no good to pretend. Ignorance was no excuse anyway.

'Just a bit.' he said apologetically. 'I was....errr....tempted. Provoked, even. She practically
begged me to come and eat her. Anyway it was just a little one and the Syrian would have
got her anyway.....' He trailed off.

'SSgath'nyaagghh was on his own range. You'll be lucky if he doesn't charge you with
assault.'

'You can't blame me for that, surely! Anyway the prey hit him hardest, I just..'

'Oh, WE don't care about that. It's a matter for you ET's to sort out, you can kill each other for
all we're concerned. The territorial violation is another thing entirely. First offence incurs a
stiff fine and a warning. Report to your local office and pay it immediately. Second offence
means deportation and a third is a lifetime ban. Any attempt at evasion is a terminal matter.
Clear?'

'Yes sir, thank you sir, I'll go right away' babbled Albert in a rush of relief. 'My holiday's nearly
finished anyway, I won't be any more trouble I promise...' This was not as bad as he'd feared.

'Going home soon?' asked the second man rather sharply.

'Yes, well, maybe just another week or two I thought..'

'You wouldn't be thinking of taking any contraband home would you?'

Oh ***@@/*/*%%��!! thought Albert, frantically trying to remember if it was illegal to take
livestock with him. His food locker was stuffed with juicy young ladies in stasis, just waiting to
be revived and eaten after he left. He really wished he'd read the rules a bit more thoroughly.
Or maybe not - if he could appear genuinely innocent.....

'I don't know what you mean' he temporised. 'I'm not a smuggler.'

'Then you won't mind if we take a look around, will you?' said the man in that nastily gleeful
way common to customs officials everywhere.

'Of course not.' Albert forced out. Doomed. All that delicious live woman flesh, soon to be
gone. Well Surfergirl, he thought, I'm glad I ate you but you're the most expensive meal I
ever had. He was almost in tears, his eyes were misting up.

The two men consulted some arcane devices they took out of their pockets and popped open
the hatch to Albert's ship as if they owned it. Suddenly one of the gadgets emitted an
alarming beeping noise. They looked at each other. One of them touched his ear,
presumably to activate some sort of communication device. He stood silent for a moment -
grimly silent almost goes without saying. Glancing at the other he muttered something like
'Bug'

The second man turned to Albert, obviously in haste, and snapped out 'We'll leave it for now,
but watch yourself, Toad.'

Albert blinked in relief and when he could see clearly again they were somehow gone.

Back on his own hunting grounds, after reporting in and paying his fine - no second holiday
this year! - Albert was finally able to relax. He had a serious matter to consider. If he left
Earth now he could probably get away with all his lovely livestock, but if he stayed there was
a possiblity that the inspectors would return and confiscate them. He'd love to stay and hunt
a bit more but the possible risks....

'What do you think, Surfergirl?' he mused, pattting the distension of his belly where his last
meal, now quiescent, lay being digested. 'Get you some new company or go home?'

He chuckled comfortably. He was sleepy and he could decide in the morning.