Posted by PK on March 15, 2005 at 18:10:02:
"First, the girl - young woman if you will - is scanned biometrically, then cleaned and
depilated. All body hair below the neck is removed by lasers. A shower of..."
"Slow down. Scanned biometrically?"
"Optical mapping technology. Images fed into the central computer from several cameras
define her precise body shape to optimise the processing."
"In English?"
"In Average Joe Moron, it means that the machinery - the doohickey, thingummy or gizmo if
you prefer - works better if it knows her arse from her elbow. May I continue?"
"Please do. The shower?"
"Just a simple spray of warm, soapy water followed by a clear rinse."
"Just like sticking her in a dishwasher."
"How droll."
"What happens next?"
"That depends on the options selected. There are several settings. At present, we have -
here, it's on this sheet. I assume you can read?"
1 Spitted
2 Pre-roast
3 Oven bird
4 Cuts
5 Custom (see handbook)
A curt nod of approval, as if from a stern but just schoolmaster. "Exactly. You need a frame
to hold the structure rigid. The details..."
Better dodge that, John thought. "And the Oven Bird?"
The Doctor acknowledged the 'moving on'. "Same principle, but the subject is trussed instead
of spitted."
"Cuts? Um, well..." That sounded a bit messy.
"The same process that turns a pig into pork chops, roasts, etcetera, except for the special
attention paid to the prime cuts. In a human female..."
"I can imagine," John said. He could, all too well. "So, what it does is..." he paused.
"Woman in, meat out," James summarised. "Not to put too fine a point on it," he added with
a rather annoyingly arch twist of the lip.
So, here was a machine that spared you the effort of butchering your girlfriend yourself. John
wasn't entirely sure that he liked the idea. He was, deep down, a hands-on man. However, he
could see the industrial applications. Progress. Oh, bugger that. Press on.
"What's a pre-roaster?" he asked.
"I'm glad you asked." Was that a hint of a patronising sneer? John visualised the Doctor
stroking a fluffy white cat for an infinitesimal moment. He'd really have to cut back on
smoking hash while watching Bond films. It was easier when all he had to do was control his
sheepdog and pole-vault canals in the Netherlands. Halcyon days. If only Val Singleton were
here now. She'd know how to make a girl processor from a couple of bog rolls, a used
washing up liquid bottle and a hair dryer. Or was that Blake's Seven? No, she'd bring the
Doctor to heel with a smack on the nose with a rolled up newspaper....
"The pre-roaster setting simply prepares the woman - cleans and stuffs her insides - without
killing or binding her. Like all the other settings, it can be activated by the subject. She can
walk out of the processor and go to a party knowing that she's ready to be cooked and
eaten."