Posted by PK on December 10, 2001 at 18:47:03:
Albert was not a happy Toad. He had always hated parties, being a shy, reclusive and (let's
admit it) rather self-absorbed entity. Particularly he hated Conventions of Intergalactic
Woman Eating Space Monsters, he reflected grumpily, not that he'd been to that many, only
a couple since he became a renowned hunter and people eater himself. The noise, the
hubbub, the boorish behavior of the Sirians, the Algolians, and as for those uspeakable
Things from Achernar...he shuddered. Far better to stay at home and watch his beloved
Alexandra on his collection of classic Baywatch episodes. She was his unrequited love, his
unattainable sweetheart. If only...
He sighed heavily. It was a consequence of fame, a cross he had to bear. Still, he cajoled
himself, it could be fun. Yeah, right. He would have squared his shoulders, if Space Toads
had shoulders. Alexandra, what should I do?
His memories of meeting her (brief, but oh! So sweet..) were tantalising, precious, but not
exactly helpful.
["No, sorry," Alexandra had said.
Oh, bugger it, thought Albert. Well, I tried. He really was getting better at Earth vernacular.
"Being eaten by a Space Toad is not exactly what I had in mind for my career," she went on,
"though it was nice of you to ask. I'm flattered but..." she shrugged and smiled. "I'm sure
there are lots of girls who'd be very happy to help you..."
Albert didn't have to try too hard to contain his disappointment. He hadn't really expected any
better. If you don't ask, you don't get, but sometimes the answer is 'No'. Oh well.
"Any chance of an autographed picture?" he asked brightly.
"No problem," she replied.
"I'll treasure it," said Albert honestly.]
And he had. He stared at her photograph, which he'd lovingly framed and set in place of
honour amongst his most treasured prizes. Her face smiled back at him, above the scrawled
dedication to 'my greatest fan off Earth'.
What should he bring to the bash? It would be expected that he'd bring something good, it
would look petty and miserly if he didn't.
A six pack of lingerie models? That lovely high school Japanese volleyball team? All the
work he'd put into building up his cellar, to waste them on those offworld philistines, hardly
civilised beings at all. It hurt. He knew in his gut that the ones who consumed the most would
bring the least and the worst. They would expect him to bring out the best of his precious
stock while offering nothing they couldn't spare. He could already picture it, his precious,
hard-won lovelies being gobbled up by boors who couldn't appreciate them, while he'd be
expected to consume one or two of their mediocre offerings. Probably not even Earth
women, in his not unbiased opinion the finest and tastiest in the galaxy.
[A note of explanation to the curious and discerning reader is in order here. Don't worry, it will
be brief, with no really long words. As everyone who's seen Star Trek and any other popular
SF series knows, most of the sentient races in the known galaxy are humanoids. Oh, they
might have a few distinguishing features like pointy ears, blue skins or a few gratuitous
bumps on the head, but humanoids nonetheless. The rest are roughly divided into semi-
omnipotent energy beings, a few oddities such as talking rocks and living nebulae, and
Space Monsters. Space Monsters, as everyone who's seen a cheesy Sci-Fi horror flick knows
(and who hasn't?) are loosely defined as more or less intelligent beings that eat people, said
people usually meaning humanoids. Clear enough? Good. Let's get on...]
Maybe one of them will bring a couple of Kuari, Albert thought, still trying to cheer himself up.
Kuari are pretty tasty for domesticated humanoids. Would any of the guests bring bought
goods rather than free range? Sacrifice machismo and go for an ostentatious display of
wealth rather than hunting prowess? He rather hoped so. He rather eat a neat, clean little Ku
female than some scraggy savage from one of the primitive worlds. Bagging one of those
was no real challenge anyway, the hardest part was waiting for one of the hunting licenses
the conservation board doled out. Pre-industrial and non-domesticated humanoids were
protected by treaty from over-hunting. Most of Albert's fellow Aldebaranians ate the local pre-
sentient hominids as their staple diet, only a few dedicated gourmets like himself cared
enough to strive for excellence in their diet.
At least, that's how he saw it. Most of them just thought he was a weirdo.
Kimiko woke up feeling befuddled. Where was she? The last thing she remembered was
hitting the showers after the game, now she seemed to be lying on a hard surface. Had she
fallen? She put a hand to her head and tried to sit up. This definitely wasn't the changing
room and there was a strange figure, like a monster from a Manga cartoon looming over her.
Yeek! It moved! "Wha..." she muttered. In Japanese, actually.
"Hello," said the apparition. "Welcome to Aldebaran IV. At least, I think it's IV, astronomy
never was my strong point. Well, never mind that. How would you like to go to a party?"
Kimiko finally managed to rise. She was on a long, low table in a room that resembled a set
from a cheap SF movie. There were items of furniture or technology she didn't recognise and
the lighting seemed odd. This must be some sort of practical joke. A very naughty practical
joke, she realised with a start: she was naked. Was there a whole bunch of sniggering college
boys watching her through peepholes?
"Where are my clothes?" she demanded, starting to get angry. In English, this time, the last
she remembered the team had been playing in America.
"Decontamination procedures," the Thing appeared to say. At least, nobody else seemed to
be speaking. Kimiko stared at the thing. It looked like a giant toad, but it 'talked'. Was she
dreaming or delirious? Animatronics, obviously. Pretty good, too, as special effects go. Pity
the voice didn't actually come out of the mouth, and didn't synch with any lip movements she
could see.
"Okay, joke's over. Who's working that thing? Come out, come out, wherever you are."
Kimiko sat up, legs over the edge of the table. "If you wanted to invite me to a party, you can
forget it. You should have asked politely." She was still looking around surreptitiously for her
clothes but was equally determined not to curl up and cover herself with her hands like a
frightened virgin. No point anyway, whoevever was behind this must already have seen
everything she had.
Albert sighed. He should have expected this, most of the females revived from stasis in his
larder refused to believe it at first. Normally it wouldn't matter, but he had thought it would be
easier transporting the girls if he secured their cooperation. "Sorry, translator error," he
fudged. Perhaps it had been a little premature to bring that up right away. "It's more like a
...err...symposium. A conference. A meeting...."
Kimiko was now thoroughly confused. This was not making sense, what was the Toad Thing
babbling about? "Symposium? And what translator?"
Albert moved slowly so as not to alarm her. With one clumsy looking foreclaw he indicated a
metallic device around his neck. "Translator," he explained. "I understand some English but I
can't really speak it. I subvocalise, it translates. Speaker quality's pretty good, don't you
think? Sorry I don't have the program for Japanese. Your English is excellent, by the way."
Kimiko stared at him for a long moment. Very, VERY good animatronics. The Thing really
did look organic, it breathed and she could smell it, a not unpleasant marshy scent. "This isn't
happening," she said flatly. She said that, of course, because she was beginning to wonder if
maybe it was.
At last, thought Albert. "I'm forgetting my manners," he said apologetically. "My name's
Albert."
"Albert." Kimiko said deadpan. Then she cracked up. Albert watched in consternation as she
struggled to stay on the table while falling about laughing. When she regained control of
herself, she looked him straight in the eye. "Okay, good one. You nearly had me there. "Have
you got cameras in there?" She reached out and poked Albert in the eye.
And jumped back when Albert recoiled in a flinching reflex and emitted a gasping hiss. There
was something very convincing about the involuntary reaction.
"Sorry I startled you, but please don't poke," he said at last. "My real name is AlBB**/!!
Knplok'' TTssskk $$9. (the speaker produced a series of clicks, booms and hisses that
sounded like a malfunction) Do you think you could pronounce that?"
Kimiko sat down again, a little weak at the knees. "Sorry," she said contritely. She shook her
head in disbelief. "I've really been abducted by aliens?"
"One alien," Albert pointed out. "But, yes, more or less."
"But why? And why me? I'm just a student, nobody important." Kimiko had stopped worrying
about her state of undress for the moment, it didn't seem too important, given the
circumstances. What possible personal interest could an alien have in her body?
Albert had prepared for this. He went into his pitch. "We want to make contact with real Earth
people," he said. "Students are the best people to ask about what life on Earth is really like.
Young, intelligent, open-minded. What do you think I should do? Land on the White House
lawn and say 'Take me to your leader?'"
It worked, Kimiko was smiling and nodding. She could imagine what would happen as well as
he could. Tanks, airplanes, nuclear weapons...
"Or London? Warlike folk, those Brits. Tokyo, Beijing, Moscow? Would that be better?"
Kimiko was still smiling and nodding. "Okay, point taken." She didn't know why, but she was
feeling more comfortable with this than she would have expected. Albert's projective
empathic powers were doing their subtle work. "What do you want me to do?"
Such a sweet little creature, Albert thought fondly. So trusting, so brave. His gaze roved
lovingly over her slender limbs, her lovely pale golden skin, glossy black hair, perky little
breasts, neat triangular thatch of pubic hair. Warm brown eyes. Wouldn't it be nice to spend
an intimate evening with her? They could have a few drinks, talk philosophy, get to know
each other better. Then the wonderful consummation....he got a grip on himself with an
effort.
"You can help me prepare the other...ah..representatives," he said.
Retrieving the rest of Kimiko's team required a certain amount of care and tact. They arrived
by way of what amounted to a food dispenser, and the control 'menu' was exactly that.
Albert's enviable larder, actually located in the cellar, could be previewed on a screen, each
delectable darling wrapped in her own transparent stasis wrapper, like frozen meals-for-one
in ziploc bags. Sometimed Albert would go in there just to look at them, but it was a tiresome
job carrying them up again when he got hungry, so he had installed an automatic handler.
Leaving the viewscreen off - it wouldn't do at this stage to let his guest see just how many he
had down there - he recalled and activated the selection he had made before she woke up.
As the girls popped out of the dispenser chute and onto the table to be revived, one after
another, there was a growing atmosphere of bewilderment and consternation. It was
accompanied by a rising noise level as the girls greeted each other, exclaimed at the sight of
Albert and demanded to know where they were, what was going on, why were they all naked
and what was THAT? Only Kimiko's reassurances prevented total chaos. The girl was a
treasure, Albert thought with possesive pride. He had watched the team play and picked her
out as the captain, and the others took their lead from her. That didn't stop them chattering,
though. Albert waited patiently for the hubbub to die down a bit, and made a throat-clearing
noise.
"Hello ladies," he said again. "Welcome to Aldebaran IV. At least, I think...well, never
mind...."