Posted by John Oliva on August 22, 2005 at 10:51:44:
OK its terrible but I typed this out in about half an hour(as if that’s an excuse)...you have to be 18 or above to read this, 12 or below to appreciate it..
Warning: Contains
(V)Graphic violence.
(L)Course langauge
(J)Jude Law.
"Pro patria decorum est duece Pigs ets fuckyia estarvia" Jim Bob said in his whiskey tainted breath across the bar.
"never fuck a pig in public if you never want to be known as a pig fucker"said a quiet voice from the corner.
"Haha an educated man ,you know your Latin well my friend"
From the shadows rose a staggering piss ant of a man, he downed his lemon and metholayted spirits in one gulp then approached the bar.
"I have an important message from beyond the grave" The piss ant said "its your father,he wishes to speak to you about your Mothers illness for a minimal fee of $99.27 cents"
Jim Bob turned to face the man, there stood John Edwards sniffing a rag of ether like it were Cindy Crawfords underwear.
"Um I'm a test tube baby and my adopted gay father is still alive and cooped up with his gay lover Keanu Reeves in Wagga Wagga Australia".
The room went silent, even the gun stroking maniac chanting revenge on Jude Law for breaking up his marriage after watching AI stopped muttering to himself.
"DA-mnit!"Yelled John
"that filthy slut Keanu Reeves!How dare he run off on me that that that that ...ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhDouche..... He's even a bigger douche then me and I'm the biggest douche in the universe, I cant believe he seduced me by saying Wahhhhhhhhhhh"
With that Jim Bob shrugged his shoulders and went back to his Whiskey, Cognac ,Scnapz ,Baileys and Virgin Blood beverage. John Edwards returned to his seat and begun pondering his days in the cotton fields whipping slaves "Ahhhh great days" he thought to himself, until his concentration was broken by the Pub doors as they swung open and in walked Tim Roth, Bono , Will Smith and the entire cast of Reservoir dogs in the exact same costumes excluding Tim Roth who was wearing his "I love Elizabeth Hurley " sleeveless polo top.
"What beckons ye to my humble abode"Chanted the Wookie like bartender surprisingly behind the bar.
"We seek motherfucken shelter from this god damn fucking forsaken storm" Said Bono ,whom was trying to sound cool in front of the Reservoir dog cast. So Harvey Keitel Shot him.
"We decided to use this as our venue for our AA meetings" Said Tim Roth, "I'll get the first round" with these words the bartender poured pints of draught for everyone and dropped a shot of vodka in each one to celebrate the occasion of having more then two people in his bar.(No idea were this is going).The night carried on until the AA meeting turned into a get drunk and dance naked for peanuts meeting, such a good time was had by all that they forgot Jude Law hadn't turned up yet.
"Hunnerd Dolla Bills, Ya'll"
"Hunnerd Dolla Bills, Ya'll"
Yelled Lawrence Tierney "Hunnerd Dolla Bills, Ya'll for my ass!"
Wow thought John Edwards I really can hear the dead. Then Jude law Walked in with one arm around Elizabeth Hurley and a bottle of blue label Jack Daniels in the other "am i late for the AA meeting?"
"You bastard !you Midget munching mutton musket motherfucker!"yelled the gun stroking maniac. He pulled out his glock 17 pistol and fired a clip towards Jude.
"Noooooooooo" Elizabeth Hurley yelled as she dived in front of him catching all twelve hollow point bullets.As if on queue the wookie like bartender quickly flicked a switch on his cd player playing the theme to the Godfather as Elizabeth Hurley slowly fell to the floor.
"Why oh Why god!"Murmured Jude
"Come closer I have something to say before i die"Said Elizabeth Hurley as she choked in her own blood.
"What my dear?"
"Ahhhhh Road to Perdition suxed arse"and then with those words Elizabeth Hurley was no more. Tim Roth Wept and for 40 seconds they mourned until the gun totting maniac decided to buy a round to make up for his horrible mistake.
"Wait wait everyone"Piped John Edwards "Elizabeth Hurley speaks to me"She says Jude I am your Sister!"
Wow that suxed arse,theres my horrible ending Elizabeth Hurley can never get lucky with Jude because she is his sister....and I promise never to write another story again.At least not today.