Posted by NL on June 26, 2004 at 12:48:41:
Stories seem popular so I will contribute one, first of a projected series, even though my forte, if you can call it that, is visual, and I am what some would call linguistically challenged---
Why They Killed-- Part 1
Not so very long ago I picked up a bicycle magazine, one of those things for yuppie bike dorks, and there on the cover was this obviously staged shot of some old guy standing by some goddamn titanium framed super bike and the shot was made to look like he was on a dark road, at night, and some cops pulled him over, for speeding most likely but even more likely for looking like a bike dork. He had on these stupid pansy multi-colored faux tour de france latex tights and I thought, well, this looks so stupid it might be good for a laugh. Now, supposedly, the cops who pulled this guy over called their dispatcher and said, "Holy shit, we either got some kind of alien out here or we got a guy with LEGS LIKE STEEL POSTS riding a bicycle of pure mother titanium like the very goddamn wind! Send us a SWAT team! Send something! We be scared!!" Wow! Legs like steel posts, steel pillars! LAIGS like towers uh steel, so pumped they even scare the shit out of hardened partrol cops in the very dark of night! Well, you know how it is, a feller in his heart of hearts hopes to git all pumped and I was no exception except I always did feel that all muh strenth was in muh laigs. Yes, I remembered a time when I was more than half drunk in a bar, a good straight working man's tavern if you please, and I sort of remembered overhearing this guy next to me, not talking to me but to someone else, saying, " yadda yadda all much strenth is in MUH LAIGS!" It sort of moved me, you know, and I figured, what a heart-warming thing to confess to someone, a total stranger maybe, in a good old honest working man's tavern. I sure wished I had me something like that to confess. I could easily imagine telling some purty gal that all muh strenth was in muh laigs, and how I would be suddenly humanized and vulnerable and all of a sudden it would be understandable why I didn't pick up things so good, but even so I would have a strenth, and maybe her co-dependent tendencies would be aroused and I could get a little pussy, a lot more pussy than I been getting lately, picking up cross-eyed skank druggies and drunks and the like. Shit I even thought seriously about that there date rape drug but I didn't really know how to get it and it sounded risky anyway. But now! But here! This was an avenue! So I bought myself a bike, a nice Huffy, and for extra good measure I bought a squat rack and a barbell. Time passed. I really enjoyed riding my bike and squatting and by god it wasn't so very long before I could squat 300 pounds and my legs were real puffy with muscles, I mean real puffy! I figured my legs, or laigs, as I liked to call them could easily pass for steel posts, twin towers uh iron steel! And I could ride my Huffy to hell and gone, like a very bat outta hell! It came to pass that I was ready to cut me a swath through the feminine persuasion. I wore my latex skivvies one Saturday morning and cirlced around the hood, and darned if I didn't see the prettiest gal! She was just a walkin' down the street, down the sidewalk, in the purtiest little shorts and halter top, and she was the very kind of girl who would have stuck up her nose at me, prior to my transformation. She looked like the sort of girl who'd go to the College Of Beauty down the street, and that's where she was heading. I whizzed past her and slowed down and looked back and dawdled until she caught up with me, and I smiled and called out a hearty Good Morning! Where you be off to? "None uh your goddamn business," she shot right back at me. I figured she must not have gotten a good look at much laigs uh steeeeeeel, so I rode right up beside her and leaped off my bike and fell in step by her side. "It's sure a nice morning to do a little LEG STRETCHING," I said, being persistent. But she said, "Don't you talk to me about leg stretching you goddamn freak, or I'll call the cops! Nasty! You leave me alone! Git away from me!" I guess she figured I was talking about stretching HER legs, you know, prying them wide apart, spreading her, like, to fuck her. Of course, I did want to fuck her, but, gee, I was trying to be nice! "No, no, I mean exercise-- look here at muh laigs! See? I been exercising so much, chuckle, I guess muh durned ol' laigs look like STEEL POSTS, like matchless pillars uh towering cast iron steeeeel, but shucks, all much strenth---" "You got stupid legs, mister! Your legs be stupid as you! Now git off way from me, stupid muthufuckuh!" It was like all the blood drained right out of my head-- even muh laigs felt weak, I was so mad! "My legs ain't stupid! They are like a pillar uh iron steel! I could take you stupid head and squish it flat with my knee! You the muthufuckuh, muthufuckuh muthufuckuh!" At this point there was a very great deal of "muthufuckuh muthufuckuh" going back and forth. I don't really know how long this went on, but it seemed to be a considerable time, but I put a stop to it by knocking the girl over with my Huffy, which was not easy because all muh strenth was in muh laigs, and then I squished her ugly stupid head between my thighs. And that's why I killed. What's your excuse?