Posted by A Man Who Wasn't There on October 04, 2004 at 18:27:29:
It’s fun to do things the wrong way.
You’d know what I mean if you’d enjoyed Peter Sellers “Pink Panther” series, or “Naked Gun” or “Scary Movie”.
Those were such brilliant “comedies” because they’ve mocked the common and acceptable stereotypes in fiction and movies.
The Pink Panther series is nothing but badly written detective stories, in which the conventional rules are either messed with or reversed . The hyper intelligent detective is transformed into a clumsy bumbling inspector of disastrous stupidity. The story is still “on topic”, the detective is still there. He investigates crimes and finds clues, yet in the most moronic way possible. A brilliant transformation that made the whole thing so funny.
Same for scary movie, a badly written horror story in which the serial killer have been morphed into an idiotic, almost friendly shmuck . The Heroes who confront him have been reduced into a pathetic state of idiocy. It’s another example of generating fun by creatively and imaginatively doing things the wrong way.
Most people crave to do things right for the sake of social acceptance ( or maybe even applause ) and so. most of them end up being the typical unimaginative bores who are the main source of the stagnant smell that sometimes smother the world around us.
As for snuff/necro fans, they are -by definition- highly unusual brand of people, not the typical or stangnant at all.
They have their own unique scope of life (isn’t sex the core of life?) They have their own tastes and fixations which are reflected so strongly in their own fiction that nobody else but them would enjoy.
So, when such people are asked to compete in writing bad stuff you`d rightfully expect them to twist their own standards and mock their own perversions in way that`s almost as good - and as idiotic - as Inspector Clouseau, or at least of a similar flavor
It’s now clear that this was exactly what happened. Kojak have asked for it, and got 25 stories of the weirdest possible quality in response.
Choosing the best among the worst, the funniest among the “snuffest”, the most creative among the twisted is indeed a tough job .
I’ll try to do my best, and I`ll stick into picking the most unique, most creative, funniest snuff/necro satires .
Thank you for your very interesting contributions.
Now let’s see . . .
**********************
I - The Three Official Winners
THIRD PLACE goes for:
”Bad Childe Story” - by Childe
Synopsis: A “Childe Person”/”Fairy Nuff” eye view of what goes through the mind of an exceptionally deranged serial killer as he commits the stupidest snuff crime of the century.
Ever had an IQ test? No, not one of those you’d find on the net that always tells you something good about your mind to cheer you up and promises more detailed praise for 5 bucks , but a real one.
If you had, then you might remember how the first ten questions seemed so easy and encouraging, just simple calculations , elementary deductions and easily identifiable patterns. Then questions get more and more teasing until you reach the one that seems so ridiculously silly, asking you to identify the unidentifiable, or calculate the incalculable., and you'd be tempted to wonder if there’s something wrong with that question: maybe they typed it wrong? maybe they’ve misprinted the colors? maybe you’d just try your luck and choose a random answer and get along with the rest of the quiz?
Most people don’t like IQ tests that much. That’s probably because people like me who have an average (or less) intelligence would find them hard to go through, then hide that fact by saying that IQ tests don’t prove anything. As for people like you , dear very intelligent reader, you’d probably find them a silly inferior exercise, not worthy of your time and effort.
I guess that’s why its hard to fully appreciate the sort of fiction our lil "Childe" writes ( let alone write something similar ourselves) .
The brilliant bit about Childe's story (and the sort of fiction he writes in general) is that it could be used as a Weird-O-meter , the more you dislike it or discard it as silly, the saner you are. Yet sanity , they say , is just a socially acceptable version of insanity, a very boring one.
Unlike a puzzle , Childe`s story doesn’t require intelligence to be appreciated. Yet it requires lots of imagination, a highly distorted sense of proportion and a great deal of detachment from the accepted rules of common sense. The sort of detachment that makes a five year old kid find a bar of chocolate far more interesting than the drunk sexy chick who just gave it to him.( or so he might pretend so that she would pat his hair some more, hug him close and kiss him for being such a cute boy who says "thunk’u mith" so nicely) .
The story doesn’t include (or even pretend to include) any wit, yet a real nitwit can never write such prose. Is it on topic? Of course, all the factors are there sir: A deranged Killer, an unfortunate victim, a snuff scene, and a cold blooded author making fun of the whole thing. Is it a parody? a satire? You bet! everything have been cleverly mocked: Stories, sex, snuff, killers, victims, other authors, and the whole process of writing if you wish.. The characters are hilariously dumb , the snuff scene could’ve never looked funnier or stupider, the language is designed to make your mind chase its own tail while tracing an endless stream of abnormal metaphors that makes the whole process of reading it a joke .
Lots of parodies were there among the contributed stories, among which this story deserves a very special place for the its style , uniqueness, and the apparent (yet deceiving) haphazardness of its logic .Though all the authors here have striven to manipulate the language , crack some jokes, and unleash the weirdest thoughts their imaginations could master , no one had went as far as Childe with his "Bad Childe`s story" . No such amount of deliberate , and fine-tuned errors could be found any where, all very craftily molded into the sort of detached , acidic , and nefarious naiveness that defines the author's style .
Tiy with language as you wish, play goofy if you want to, but if you think you can write something similar I dare you to try . . . You’d probably have a better chance of success if you attempt to fit into your seven years old sister’s dress.
Finally, if Childe could develop into something more mature, if he could get out of his hiding place and break the limiting boundaries of his style and evolve ( or maybe "grow up") a little, he’d then claim his own domain among great writers.
Yet, it seems, he’s happy as is.
For his efforts, a single point for the third place would be the least I could offer as a tribute to his talent without spoiling that brat. Giving him less would make me bear it upon my conscious that I’ve been unfair to a childe.
**************
SECOND PLACE goes for:
“The Iron Horse” - by NL
Synopsis: Yawrbilly has a fucked-up brain(in the very physical sense), he thinks of all things: bad things, good things, bloody things. Watch him as he goes through it , for its quite a show.
If Childe have played the funny cards of confusion to win the bet of badness , NL have dealt a Royal Flush of depression , melancholy , and ridiculous sorrow . The oddest of his cards was ”Iron Horse“, a real joker.
Unlike Wilkinson Sword , who writes the interesting sort of parodies full of a more or less naughty version of the common humor you’d expect to find in a soap opera or sit-com dialogues, and Unlike Rache , whose good serious prose aims for -and hits- the heart, and whose vivid descriptions create a live world full of solid and well defined characters , NL , with his idiotically tragic technique ends up giving you double the laughs and triple the depth and emotional impact.
NL creates his own dark and gloomy universe, with its foul and foggy atmosphere in which every rotten corner oozes with a stifling stench. His characters are so unrealistically bound with misfortune, and they deal with their sorry share of life in the most ridiculous manner. The ending result however is something so spookily and unnervingly funny.
Yawrbilly, the main (and only) character is sick , not in a psychological sense, but in a physical , pathological one. Yet you can’t sympathize with his misfortune. People only sympathize with a very limited amount of others’ pain , the pain of cute nice people who look good somehow while they suffer it. Yet if their suffering increases to the extent that makes the victim un-cute (AKA.that acne laden boy or ugly fat girl in school) sympathy turns automatically to hate and loathing.
Deep inside we fear the misfortunate ones for they are a walking proof that ugliness and bad luck are real things that exist among us. Yet if the dose of misfortune reaches those surrealistic catastrophic levels that couldn’t and wouldn’t possibly happen to you , it tends to become isolated from your conscious and you can afford not to sympathize with it or even hate it, but rather regard it as funny!
Yawrbilly’s embarrassing misfortune is as bad and amusing as Inspector Clouseau’s disastrous clumsiness ( if not worse) . The thing that adds to the overall darkness of the story’s humor is the feeling that the author was very honest while writing it. He seems to be writing about what he knows so well , a subject he’s personally very familiar with. Since that subject is mental decay, the whole fun factor becomes uproarious.
One of the reasons that make the story look so honest is that eerie cyclic nature of Yawrbilly’s thoughts, further reflected in the cyclic nature of the story itself. Thoughts, events and memories keep repeating themselves, orbiting around their own idiocy . The story begins and ends with the same event , and all what happens in between spirals around the big nothingness in the hero’s brain, dragging around it a trail of endless jokes, all focused on the stupidity of an alien form of sorrow.
The story, however, manages to remain on topic without breaking or disturbing its weird and funny rhythm . There isn’t a snuff or necro scene in the conventional sense, but there are casual hints of interesting(and graphic) snuff thoughts that appear and disappear suddenly in puffs of twisted logic. Still, it serves the purpose of scratching the snuff fan’s urge.
Bottom line: The story is definitely bad (spelling , grammar , plot , morals and logic) . It’s also innovatively funny, highly imaginative, follows its own special logic that never fails to amuse
(interesting quote from the story)
“the brain is not by any means a reality-seeking instrument. It is a crude tool for the construction of fantasies-- fantasies much like your godawful fiction”
Good Work NL, wishing you ( or the real author in case you copied this from a source you couldn’t remember ) a speedy recovery.
*******************
THE FIRST PLACE goes for:
“ The Way Wanna Went ” - by Emily
Synopsis: “Wanna”, the unlucky orphan innocent whore who was raised and bred by a donkey, have gone through drastic shifts in her life style and feeding habits: replacing donkey`s milk (the only food she knew) for human semen,getting involved in a few devine affairs, and learning - the hardway- that life is a bitch and then you die .
Women can be frustrating ( no matter how submissive they might seem ). Men can be mean ( no matter how benevolent they pretend to be). Fate is full of surprises that people are apt to misinterpret ( no matter what wise and powerful God is he who steers the wheel of fate). Sex is violence ( or at least violence can be sexy).
Emily thought she could write a bad snuff story about all that! one which might even look funny .
And, I guess, she did it.
From a critical point of view, every rule of good writing have been broken, persistently and repeatedly. Yet it was all done in an awesomely funny and stylish way. All character names were puns ( so is the name of the story) . Almost each phrase is negated by the one that follows it, which served to clarify and highlight the dorkish meanings behind them. Each of the fantasy characters in her fantasy world was a moron , only in a way that resembles and exposes real characters in our real world. Almost each and every line was a joke, and -in the same time- a part of a bigger joke that has its punchline at the end of each paragraph , pushing the pace of the story forward towards its ludicrous absurd end.
The dialogue was full of convoluted logic and intertwined metaphors all wrapped in dry but elegant humor .Yet unlike Childe or NL, she didn’t follow the steps of James Joyce, but rather danced -naughtily-on the merrier rhythms of Robert Shikley, Kurt Vonnegut and Terry Pratchett.
When Emily posted her first entry “The Worst is yet to come” I both liked and disqualified it. It didn’t look bad enough to me (though, one of the most hilarious ones posted I admit),. I also disqualified Barbane for posting a sexy story that was too good to compete among the bad.
I wished the three talented ladies (Barbane , Rache and Emily) would post another entry that combines fun and badness .
They all did post new entries, Rache posted lots of wonderful on topic prose that was neither bad nor funny. So did Barbane, yet the Queen just didn’t fit in the costumes of the clowns .
But with “The Way Wanna Went” a decision to include Emily among the winners was so easy to take. Great prose, On topic, very funny , and real bad. Both of her badness and humor have so creatively combined and gave birth to fractal parodies that ridiculed everything from ass to God (including most of what’s in between!) . The story managed to embody and express all the tricks other authors used.( Wilkinson`s Sword naughty version of TV humor, Rache’s heart touching characters, Kojak`s exaggerations, NL’s ode to misfortune and Childe`s cleverly pretended innocence and intermingled similes, all are there in Emily’s style, in addition to her original pristine idiocy, nefarious imagination and sarcastic depth.
Well done Emily. My condolences for your parents, family , friends and whoever other unfortunate souls who’s unjust fate have forced them to live with a nutcase like you.
****************
II- The Golden Turd ( AKA the worst worst story, AKA the Nellie, AKA Real shit)
And the winner is:
“ Worst necro stroy ever “ - by Israeli guy
One may think that ALOmega`s “The meal” is a bad, tastless, on topic story, that Crew`s “Hurried Bad Story Entry” is worse for being a tastless story that`s not even on topic.
But a closer look would prove that as far as the worst worst story is concerned, IG is beyond competition . His entry (seven lines of pointless gibbering, thank God it wasn`t longer ) is not even a story !
Unless IG was totaly fed up with the whole idea of competitions, stories, snuff, the world and all what`s in it, he could`ve tried harder.
Yet even with such meager effort he deserves a title.
As for Crew ( a promissing runner up) I guess lil “Nellie in a bubble” would be pleased with this result. For finally she can have a solid evidence that there exists, upon the surface of this planet, somone who can write worse prose than her Mom`s.
Concerning ALOmega , he can write very good snuff stories , only if he can CONCENTRATE and FOCUS a bit, and sure he can write very funny incoherent ramblings if he remains unfocused.
This time however, he offred neither of those treats. That`s what happens when one writes a story during that short intermizzo in which he is not fully sober from last night`s fix , and not fully stonned yet by his early morning pills.
Waiting for good old ALOmega stuff like “Twins” and “Trap door”
III-Honorable Mentions
Kojak
Thanks for your funny stories, Tugboat was very interesting. (though most of jokes were based on someone`s pants).
It`s worth mentioning that the idea of a worst story contest was very successful. I don`t mind calling it “The Annual Best Worst Kojak Story contest”, or whatewver other name that gives you proper tribute. I hope others would agree, you deserve it.
Barbane
I strongly belive that Barbane`s participation in this contest was what made it popular. Once she posted her first entry, every body started contributing their own material and the competition became hot. For that , and for her arousing stories, she deserves special gratitude.
Rache
For her deep and impressive prose that just couldn`t go bad.
Wilkinson Sword, C and GudWriter
For their funny contributions.
IV- Dishonourable Mention
Crew (and her little Nellie)
What makes me wonder is that Crew, in her attempts to influence the judges, had displayed more humor, imagination and writing skills than in her submitted story! I guess little Nellie could serve as the main idea for a very interesting snuff parody. Maybe Crew can unleash her own “Worst Nellie Story competition” or something, in which everyone can design some horrendous fate for the cute , erotic-horror loving, buble girl.
V-Just Mentions
Clmestra and Uncle Spam: Good attempts ,thanks for trying, better luck next time.
********************
Summary
Official winners :
First Place: Emily (4 pts)
Second Place: NL ( 2 pts)
Third Place : Childe (1 pt)
Golden Turd(Nellie Winner)
Israeli Guy