Posted by Kojak on September 20, 2004 at 22:14:09:
This is a challenge...I propose we start a competition in order to see who amongst us can write the most excrutiatingly bad story.....here is my entry......hope you all enjoy....Kojak
Janet Needleman combed her beautiful hair as she watched herself in the large mirror. This would be the first date she had had in 50 years…..she was getting on in life. Her last date was a bust so she had decided to live a life of celibacy….that was before she met Raul, a smarmy fashionable yet strangley attractive hair dresser (whose cream rinse was all the rage) & disposed dictator of a middle eastern country that dabbled in the occult when not coifing the strange voluminous hairdos of rich American widows for incredible amounts of money.
Janet though old in conventional terms still had a certain attractiveness to her thanks to years of expensive (& expansive) plastic surgery as well as constant exercise. She was a trim, fit, well packed 70 year-old female with the body of a slightly aging Las Vegas show girl who had partaken of too many amphetamines.…..her boobs were still high & firm. Janet looked like an aged version of herself when she was younger but still had a twinkle in her eyes, aided by occasional sips of Vodka, sometimes straight, sometimes mixed with goat’s milk or other exotic concoctions……She was as well, a virgin, but tonight she planned to change all of that! Yes dear readers, Janet planned to fall into the waiting arms of Raul, whose charms she found she was unable to comprehend let alone resist. Oh the tragedy of it all! More so because this was all lost upon Janet whose inheritance had been an effective deterrent against her higher learning not to mention the acquisition of certain social skills the which, she was sadly lacking there-in……yes, her money had kept her ignorant of many things….truly a tragic thing for Janet as we shall soon see.
Raul was himself not un-attractive. His head was large yet regal. His hairline was a low one, much like Eddie Munster…..in fact his nickname was ‘Lycanthrope’…& even though it will be acknowledged by your humble author that as a nickname it did not exactly roll off the tongue, yet still, it seemed to fit his demeanor. Needless to say, most of his friends were articulate types, a necessity given his insistence they use his nickname constantly. Surprisingly enough, his clients were enamored of his ‘exotic’ latin look. Besides his incredible follicular blessings, he was a man of some stature….standing 6 feet tall & weighing 400 pounds….he tended to sweat a lot which normally would not be a good thing but his cologne (a special mixture of his own) seemed to meld into his sweat & create a powerful aphrodisiac that his clients found irresistible. He had pegged Janet as a likely victim. Yes dear readers, he planned on killing the poor woman….& then (dare I say it?) to use her body’s life blood (her blood!) in the making of his much talked about cream rinse, the ingredients kept a vital secret by Raul himself (for obvious reasons) but not a secret to you dear reader.
There was a knock upon the door. Janet, already drunk off her ass, toddered as she adjusted her cleavage… She wore a crimson red dress with a low neck line & the length was barely adequate to cover her quivering buns. As she opened the door Raul presented the full form of his body in profile & extending his left arm, produced a small blowgun. Janet, amused, quipped ‘Now Raul, must you always be the kidder?’ A quick & deadly puff was her only answer, as the deadly dart found it’s target in Janet’s full & ripe albeit old left breast. She clutched at the offending dart, trying to dislodge it as Janet folded like a deck of cheap playing cards, the kind that you can never create a house of cards with because they will not stay stacked but instead fall before they are supposed to & before you want them too but in this case Raul wanted her to fall at just this time……
Having thus silently done away with Janet…he carried her limp form to his waiting car, a quick press of the gas pedal, the petrol flowed into the carberator & off he went…..the next day, his clients were amazed at the results of their shampoo & rinse whilst Raul only laughed….Janet’s corpse, still a virgin, lay in wait upon his expansive bed, yes Raul was also a necrophile & his plans for this evening were to take Janet’s virginity even though he himself had no knowledge that she was a virgin yet he felt she must have been one to be so trusting at such an advanced age…..
Once his shop was closed, Raul stripped Janet of her Crimson dress & caressing her nubile yet aged flesh, he inserted his tongue into her ear canal….’Oh ecstasy’, thought Raul…unfortunately before he could insert his love missle into her waiting gaping clammy hole, a crashing sound was heard…it seemed a large frozen camel had been unceremoniously discarded from an Eastern country airline by accident & fell right upon Raul & his necro lover to be…..The End
Epilogue
Needless to say the newpapers had a field day with this one….amazingly, the camel defrosted & the whole crime scene (for indeed it was shown to be an act of terrorism) had become unmanageable even by the best forensics team available…Raul’s clients & friends were understandably upset. Janet had no way of knowing all this was going to happen to her…. virginity it seems is not such a bad thing…especially for Janet….but she made a fatal error in trusting Raul & her reward for that single decision based upon her attraction to the swarthy Raul was her own death by a blow gun…Raul probably would have met a violent end regardless but he certainly would not have guessed this one. Nor would he have wished for one so embarrassing…..& his clients were beside themselves with disappointment until Raul’s brother showed up…he too was a necrophile hairdresser & he too had a secret formula… The likelihood of another frozen camel seemed extremely unlikely. Oh the irony. Kojak