Posted by jamie on May 05, 2002 at 22:24:21:
PART 4
4th August 4986
I am starting to be hopeful. Today was the seventh parade I have done and five more girls from my group were selected. Only about twenty more and I can go home. I was sorry my friend Charlene was chosen. She was so nice. She entertained at a business lunch meeting of men in the School restaurant. She said they were going to slow hang her, apparently allowing her toes to just touch the floor for the first half of her processing. Poor Charlene. She was like me and did not want to die of strangulation. What a silly thing I just said. None of us want to die at all!
Actually saying the word "die" like that does not describe it, what we have to face. We are not asked to die. We girls are killed.
5th August 4986
Had a terrible fright today at my parade. A man chose me to cull. He was going to hand smother or strangle me tomorrow morning. He told me he would reassess me in the processing studio in the morning and finally make up his mind then how he would do it. He said I had a lovely soft face and lips. He told me a smooth soft facial quality was very important if a girl was to be hand smothered with gentle sensual pressure. He said he prefers for the girl not to be able to get any air at all. It would be quicker that way, too, I suppose.
He also said it would be a shame to waste such a long slender neck. He was touching it with the back of his fingers, making me hold my head up as he ran them up and down my throat.
I cannot tell you of the horror of my next two hours.
Richard, the Director, came to see me with the news that the man had called up to cancel his booking. He told me that normally once a girl has been selected she must be killed even if her client cancels. He said he will let me live on this occasion as the customer had not paid a deposit on me and therefore it could not be said that the rights to my life had been purchased.
I cried then. I cried for a long time. Richard stayed with me and held me. It helped a lot.
Richard said that I should not get my hopes up too high about going home even though three more of my group were culled today as it would be all the harder for me if I was still selected. I asked him how he thought I would be killed if I were chosen, you know from my looks. He said he suspected I would be manually strangled and indeed with my pretty, long slender neck he was surprised I was still with them.
I wish I had not asked. I hate my neck.
9th.August 4986
We did not have to parade for clients yesterday. We are allowed one day in five off. It is to give us a chance to recover from the stress. The stress can harm a girl's appearance if she is kept at it without a break.
The two days before, though, saw five girls from my intake leave us. Three of them were hanged together for a group of travel agents visiting from The Greater Eastern Council. They are promoting us English Council girls to them as part of package tours.
It might help to be killed together with other girls, particularly if they were friends. But I suppose it would be just awful if they were killed one at a time and you were the last girl to die.
12th August 4986
Dear God help me. I am going to be killed in the morning.
Richard came himself to tell me.
The man who had wanted me 'phoned back and said he still wanted to purchase the rights to me. A business problem made him cancel the first time, he has now paid for me in full.
Richard could not tell me how it was going to be done to me, but felt sure it would be either smothering or strangulation.
I am going to be suffocated or be strangled to death at nine in the morning.
I asked if he knew the client and he said he had supervised his enjoyment of two or three girls some years ago and knew he was still a regular customer. If he remembered rightly the client was sometimes kind and at others he needed to hurt his girl a bit more than really necessary before killing her. It depended on how his business day had been. He thought that the client was one of those who needed girls to release his tension sometimes and that was when he had to hurt them. When things had been good, the girl was to help him celebrate his good fortune and he was very kind and gentle to them.
He did not know for sure, but he thought it likely that such a person, given his two preferred methods of processing girls, would use strangulation when he needed to inflict extra pain as that method was more conducive to hurting a girl than smothering her.
I wished again that I had not asked a question.
Richard stayed with me for a while talking about how I should conduct myself to make it as good as I could for the client and hopefully help make it as easy for myself as the method he choses for me allows. Richard says I will suffer quite a lot either way but must try not to fight against what must be done to me. He says it will be better that way for struggling makes it hard for the client to control his girl and she is inevitably hurt more before she dies.
He told me I should know what to expect in the morning. He said they would prepare the studio the way the client had asked for it to be set up in the past. It allows for him to chose which ever way he wants to process his girl, no, I must say it, accept it, how he wants to kill me, without having to go to the trouble of bringing in any additional apparatus to position me on.
Richard said I will see a bed without any pillow or any thing on it so my head will lie back with my face well up. This is there in case he wants to smother me with his hand. The bed will be very firm so that my struggling does not move him about and make it hard for him to control what he wants to do to me. He will sit on the bed next to me to do it. Richard says he remembers the client likes to caress a girl at lot before he kills her, likes to run his fingers over her face and lips and things like that if he is to smother her.
Richard said I should apply a lot of moisturiser to my face and lips when I prepare myself in the morning as it makes the face nice and soft and the cream makes it easier for the client to block off all the air with less pressure. He says the worst thing is to struggle so much that air can get in and cause me to live longer than the client wants for that is suffering for nothing so I should try to stay as still as possible.
If I have to be strangled, there will be an adjustable kneeling pad for me to position myself on so that the client can raise me to where he wants me to be for the strangulation. Richard thinks he likes his girls to be positioned high so he can easily see their eyes and also have a good view of their throat where the thumbs are. He says he remembers the client moves his thumbs in the girl's throat to increase the pain or for some other reason, but cannot remember whether or not he lets the girl have some air to make her stay alive a bit longer.
I hope he kills me quickly and he is in a good mood.
Richard told me that when a girl is strangled on the kneeling platform there is nowhere to lay her down when she loses consciousness so he will stand behind me to hold me up so that the client can complete my strangulation after I go limp. He also said that, for the same reason, he will want to position the hospital gourney next to the platform so that he can lift my dead body straight onto it once he is satisfied that life has gone from me. He told me this because he did not want me being upset at the sight of it so close to where I had to position myself ready for my client.
Richard told me he liked me a lot, that I was sweet and brave and he would be with me in the morning while I was being processed.
I am glad he will be there when it happens to me. I will try to be brave although I don't think I am very brave at all.
I am so very frightened now. What will it be like for me when I wake up in the morning, then!
A Matron came to see me when Richard left and told me to get ready for bed and she would give me some medication to help me get a good rest so I will look my best for my client in the morning. She said the tablet will stop me from having bad dreams about what must happen in the morning. I told her I wanted to remain awake for a little while to think things and what I had to do in the morning and what sort of things might happen to me.
Matron agreed, but said I must take the sleeping tablet in an hours time and she would come in later to see that I was alright and resting properly. She said she would see me in the morning with my pre processing medication to keep me nice as I died and also the beautician would come to prepare me for presentation to my client.
I do not know whether it is wise to think about things too long, but I sit on the edge of my bed and start to do so anyway.
Why do men like to see us suffer before we die. Killing girls might be a nice thing for them to enjoy, I think I can understand that, you know the knowledge that they have done it to a girl, taken her life away from her. But why do they only do it to the most pretty girls and not to the ordinary looking ones. The State says it is to be fair as the beautiful girls of the Federation who are not chosen to serve always get the best jobs and so on. They become models and actresses and make the most Federation Credits and so it is only fair that they are the ones who have to serve the State by being eligible for the cull.
But I know it is because us pretty girls are the ones the clients will pay lots more for, so it must be because they get enjoyment out of killing only pretty girls. They must get sexual pleasure out of seeing us die. That's it.
But why do they want to hurt us so much as they kill us. Some of the girls say it is to make us last, to make the time it takes for us to die longer so they can enjoy the thought that they are killing a pretty girl last longer.
I sat there thinking for a long time, trying to think mostly of other things than what was going to happen to me in the morning, but it kept coming back. I could not stop seeing myself naked and helpless, my hands tied behind my back, kneeling there waiting for him to come to me. Then he would come, his huge gnarled hands out towards me, towards my neck, his fingers crooked ready to strangle me.
I could not think of me being actually killed, but I kept on imagining what I would look like after he had done it, the way I would be layed out on the gourney thing. My body was so white, no colour at all even my lips and eyes. There was not even any colour of bruising on my throat nor on my face. The girl we had to watch on a video monitor being smothered had vivid imprints of her client's fingers and thumb of her dead face. He had to hold her face very tight as had she struggled terribly hard to breath as he was killing her. But very part of me was just so white. So dead.
It was terrible.
When I at last layed back on my bed for the last time, I realised I had not yet cried. I did on and off while I though about things.