Posted by Grizz on August 19, 2000 at 01:23:04:
I was sitting here, nice and quiet, not bothering anyone, sipping my homemade vodka, and the wall started bulging inward. Actually, its two bulges. Together. Big bulges. Side-by-side. I didn't know what else to do. I'm all alone here. So I thought I'd call necrobabes.
Shhhhhhh! shhhhhhhh. I think the bulges can hear me typing.
Sonnaovabitch, it can hear me typing. Every time I press the shift key, it jiggles. SsSsSsSsSsSsSsSsHiT. It's like beige Jello.
It looks like, looks like ... like an ass. Like as if my wall is white rubber and someone on the other side is leaning their ass against it, and its bulging inward. It could be the tops of two twin bald heads pushing the wall in towards me? No, no, it's an ass alright. A nude fat ass ... thinly covered by my white rubber wall.
Did it move? That thing is moving. I saw it move. There, again. IT IS MOVING! Holy Fucking Shit. It's like someone is rubbing their ass on my wall from the other side. Rubbing it back and forth. Rubbing it. Back and forth, back and forth.
HEY, GET YOUR ASS OFF MY WALL!!
Shit, now it's moving upwards. I musta made it mad. It's an angry ass now. It sure as fuck looks mad. Its at painting height. My paintings are stuck to its ass. Get it off! Get it off. How the fuck do you dial 911?! Fuck off fat ass. Spiritos Dominoes Christmas Santa.
Throw something at it Grizz. I threw my mouse at it and the clickers went up its crack, but the cord is still hanging out. Now, it's slurping the cord up like spaghetti. It said "Ahh". A talking ass. HEY ASS, HOW COME THERE'S AN "H" IN SPAGHETTI! No reply. Stupid ass.
I-I-Its moving up higher. Now its on the ceiling. Pushing in the ceiling. Get me out. Get me out of here. Make a Cross, Grizz. In the name of Christ, GET THEE TO THE TOILET.
Run for it Grizz. Run, Godammit. It's following me, across the ceiling. Fuck, its gonna shit on me! Move, move, crawl, crawl, crawl. Why the fuck won't my legs move. It feels like a fat ass sittin on my legs.
Shit, there's another one behind me. Another ass coming out of the wall. Where's the door? I can see the window. Fuckin highrises. These fat asses come to kill me and I gotta be on the 18th floor.
Man, the ceiling is sprouting asses. It's covered with them. Jiggling fat asses. Now, MORE! Outa all the walls, outa the floor. Shit they're lifting me up and jiggling me. HELP! HELP! HELP! I'm gonna fall in a crack, right down a rectum into Alice in Wonderland!
Close your eyes Grizz, ride it out. You've fucked fatter asses than this, Grizz. Ride it out. Ride it out.
Man, they're all blowing farts. Man, what a stink. I can't breathe. There no air. One's on my chest. Slap it, Slap it. Smack it, Grizz. It's moving onto my face. It's too heavy. The cacaphony! Oh the humanity! AHHHHHH! AHHHHHH! GOD HELP ME! AHHHHHHH!
... air ... solid ground. I'm lying on solid ground ... carpet. I can feel carpet on my back. Are the assholes gone? No, they're still here.
They're all marching one-by-one over to the fridge. Into the
refridgerator now. My fridge is bulging. Its making happy noises now. Like a fat ass cocktail party. My fridge is humming, humming, humming. Its OK now. I never look in the fridge. I like my vodka neat. Its OK now. The fridge is happy. Everything's OK now. I'm OK. I'm going to bed now. G'nite. Everything's good. I'm OK. Thanks. Bye.