Posted by Ded Bob on October 28, 2005 at 15:46:16:
I got to thinkin' that with Arnie SwartsNigar stoppin' sex with ded bodies, I thought I'd put in my two coppers. I remember my first dead body. It was at my seventh-grade prom or was it a ball. Anyway, Tracy and I went outside for a breath of fresh air and, I’ll be honest, I’m pretty sure I was going to score.
She asked me if I thought the music sucked. I leaned in to say yes, and hopefully grab a kiss, when someone shot her through the neck - arrow apparently. Probably owed money to someone. I got my deposit back from the clothes-rental shop, but don’t think it didn’t require a long night of scrubbing.
What I remember wondering first was, is she really dead? There’s a definite line between dead and almost anything else. If the body’s even slightly less than dead — say, mostly not-alive, or, dead-but-still-running—then you’ll want to call 9-1-1 or else you could be charged with criminal neglect. Hummm, didn't have no 9-1-1 or 9-11 back then.
The nice thing about a fully dead body is you can always pass the buck. How’d they die? Answer: Who cares? “Oh, officer, is she dead? Really? Dead as in all the way? Well I didn’t do it. Nope, I was just sitting here, reading the paper. She does look dead, though. I mean, she never was much of a napper, you know?”
First things first: do not expect your body to stay soft for more than a few hours. Rigor mortis will quickly kink up the joints, and it’s difficult to move a non-pliant corpse. No matter where you decide to stash the goodies, move fast and be decisive. Know what you want, then go for it. It’s like mailing a large package, or pursuing a lover; don’t take “won’t bend” for an answer.
Also, keep an eye on the big picture. When it comes to erasing the remains of a human life, it’s really about you, your personal style, and how you likes to present yourself. A wine snob and someone who guzzles White Zinfandel from a box do not bury the same way, I promise. Express yourself in your disposal. Don’t get stuck in doing what others expect! Choose an entombment process that says something about your values, and you’ll have an experience you can tell your grandkids about, assuming they can keep grandpa’s little secret.
How? Say it with me three times: location, location, location. You can fold a soft human in a hundred ways, but if you don’t have a smart final resting spot, tough cookies! A little real-estate research is the best way to start your burial plans, especially because every locale has its own quirks when it comes to pickling or dismemberment. I don't recommend pickling tho cause it destroys the taste.
Gotta remember that this was several hundret years ago. Times have changed even for....
Ded Bob