SAD BARBANNE
by
Childe
I knows a lil kingdom in Austr’ula where was a very beautiful Pwincess called Barbanne. But she was sooo
sad that no one could makes her laugh. She’d not even smile though all the peoples there were happy n
pwayful. For a long time peoples twied real hard to find something that would amuse her. But she would
sit all day at her window to the world (sorta like a computer screen in olden times, I guess) as members of
the court passed n passed calling out greetings n all twing to make her smile. She only sighed in return.
One day, the king (she was a foster child), caused it to be said there n everywhere in the whole wide world
that anyone who maketh (they spoke funny in those days) the pwincess to laugh would be able to marriage
her and he add half of his kingdom to boot. But so that only real serious persons would come, he added that
as sorta a condition that ifn he goofed, he’d get bunches of wed stwipes down his back. ‘Couse ifn some
really liked gettin’ the stwipes and the king found out, the real stwange guy would sorta lose his lil head.
That king guy was real smart.
Now Pwincess Barbanne was really, really pwetty n nice, so it twernt long afore lots of sore backs in the
kingdom which made some peoples sad, too. The Chiropracters sorta liked it though (hehheh). Still peoples
came n twied really, really hard to make Pwincess Barbanne laugh. After all lil girls n ladies laugh at the
sillest sillies - at nuffin really sometimes. I seen ‘em do that lots. But Pwincess Barbanne stay in her woom
n was real sad, sad.
Now in the kingdom was a farmer man wif three sons who he figured could make her laugh lots. ‘Course he
was after that half of kindome thingie, pwobably. The oldest son was a soldier who’d served in wars n
sometimes people needed to be laughing cause war real sad, too. N he said it twernt worth the effort for his
two younger brofers to come cause he was gonna win the Pwincess ina ver first day.
So he dwessed in his uniform n put on a knapsack n stwutted upndown like a stupid idjiot. The Pwincess
looked at him once n got saddern ever. So he gots some real deep clawed stwiped in his back n they puts in
some salt to make it hurt real bad.
His brofer thought he was real smart. He was a schoolteacher. He taught college I guess. I never saw him
in my school anyway. He look real funny cause he had one real long leg and one real short leg so’s when he
stands on one he look real tall n when he stands on tother he look real short. Oh, n he were a pweacher,
too. But even ifn he talked real smart n walked his funniest, he not make Pwincess Barbanne laugh. No not
at all. Made the king laugh though. But not enough to stop ‘im from whipping the schoolteacher/pweacher
real hard.
Now the last brofer was called Davie n he not real bright some peoples say. N his brofers thought he really
stupid to even wanna twy. But he not so stupid as you can find out ifn you reads more. So he heads to the
court pwace. But he don’t go to Pwincess right ‘way but goes to kitchen to find some work (he real hungry
I be thinkin’). The cook give him some work such as carrying n fetching n things. Early one morning he
was sent to the river to catch a fish n he caught a nice, fat one.
Now when he was acommin back wif the fish, he meats a woman leading a goose wif gold feathers by a
stwing tied round its neck. The old woman wanted the fish so she askes Davie to twade wif her n he does.
He though on it hard ‘nuf to make his head hurt. Then she added...
“This here goose is a strange bird. If you lead it about and anyone lays hands on it and you say, ‘Hang on, if
you care to come with us,’ he will have to hang on and go with the goose wherever you lead.”
So they makes a twade n Davie gots the goose n the goose hasta follow cause Davie gots the stwing. He’d
not gone far when a farmer’s wife wantsta touch the goose.
“That is a very fine goose, and I would like to stroke it,” she says nice n pwetty.
“Okay,” says Davie n just when she does, he adds “Hang on, if you care to go with us”. And the farmer’s
wife couldn’t take her hands off the goose no matter how hard she twied.
They goes downa road a piece n come to a man who sorta hated the farmer’s wife. (He have really stwange
dweams where he takes a really long knife n puts it in real slow in her bewwybutton. Think she not have
clothes on. But it his dweam so I not sure, hehheh). Anyway, he twies to kick her n as his foot lands on her
butt, Davie gives a shout, “Hang on, if you care to come with us”. N that guy gots his foots stuck on her
butt n hadta follow hoppin’ on tother foot. He really, really, really mad and said a buncha really bad words.
They pass a big, ol’ blacksmifh (not a black mans but a blacksmifh mans). He sees Davie n the lady n the
nasty guy n he start to laughs n ran up to the mans to stwike him wif his bellows n that was when Davie
says, “Hang on, if you care to come with us.” N the smifh hadta follow after the mans for he couldn’t lets go
of the bellows.
Then Davie takes a turn on the road that gos to the Pwincess’s pwace, n know that Pwincess Barbanne there
even ifn he not look up. N when Pwincess Barbanne sees Davie leading the goose n the farmer’s wife n the
man hoppin on one foot cause the other’s on her butt n the blacksmifh wif the bellows thing, she sorta
smiled inside but she not laugh.
So Davie not stop but goes to the kitchen where the cook is wanting her fishie. She sorta mad cause he not
have her fishie but she start laughing real quick, too. Now Pwincess Barbanne twing real hard to see what
was what, leaned real far out from her window to know what it was all about (think Davie liked that cause
he smiles n sees down her dwess real good).
Anyways ‘bout this time the cook sorta goofs n lets her ladle hit the blacksmifh on his shoulder n Davie like
a nice guy that he be sometimes says, “Hang on, if you care to come with us.” N the cook hadta follow.
Davie started back past the Pwincess’s window n when she sees the cook hanging on n twing real hard to
get loose, she starts to giggle. N then she sees the blacksmif wif his bellows on the nasty man’s coat n the
nasty man twing to kick the lady who’s sorta stuck on the goose, Pwincess Barbanne starts to laugh n laugh
n laugh.
The king guy thought that that was real nice. Davie thought that Pwincess Barbanne really was pretty when
she smiled n laughed lots (and twernt sad no more). N so Dave hadta go to get his half of kingdom in
Austr’ula (which is very, very far ‘way) n they gots to make marriage. I not be there for that though. Heck
I not be there for any of that cause I jus lil Childe n only seben! So there!!
‘Course never did figure out what happened to goose n farmer wife n nasty mans n blacksmif n cook.
Maybe they next on menu? Not sure.
Bye, bye,
Childe