Posted by Childe on April 07, 2000 at 03:04:18:
I gots this lil 'tory called "Lil Wolf Riding Hood".
Maybe you know it. Maybe you like other title n calls it....
Li’l Red Ridin’ Hood
See!! You knows it already. Well this different.
So once upon a time, a long, long time ago like maybe last week there was a grammie who was pretty
smart but kinda sick too. Grammies sometimes get that way. Sometimes. Anyway, she tries to call for
someone to help her (you know, like get a pizza or sumfin) but she not got a cell phone so couldn’t call
for help. She not got no clapper thingie either. But she did have a lil girl ina town who had a lil girl herself
(that what make her a grammie, betcha). What might be a surprise, surprise to some was that the
youngest lil girl (whose name mighta been Cruella or Barbanne) was lotsa times called Li'l Red Ridin'
Hood. Not sure why she called that unless its cause she gots a green cape wif fir lining n a lil red hat. But
her mommie give her a nice basket of goodies which I not see real well. I think it got hot bread n butter n
some honey, some crackers n cheese, n maybe lotsa cookies. Not sure but that sumfin I would like ifn I
was sick. Also her mommie gave Li'l some directions like not to pick on flowers, or listen to brook, or
chase lil rabbits, or pway wif the birdies, or talk wif any strangers. That cause her grammie lived ina
cottage on the other side of a great big forest.
You know, when I heard 'bout this 'tory of Lil Red Ridin' Hood, I thought that maybe grammie was a
hundred miles away. But when I thunk real hard, I knew that not right because they got no car n Li'l Red
Ridin' Hood gotta WALK there. I thought her mommie mighta been mean but I found out that her mommie
didn't have a car n there were not any cars anywhere n that I thought real strange.
Anyway Li'l Red Ridin’ Hood was walkin' n not pickin' flowers or nuffin bad n she sees this wolf near the
path to grammie's. She not think that strange or that wolf on two legs or that wolf talked to her. I mean I
woulda run away right then cause nuffin coulda been 'stranger' than that. So the wolf-person asks 'bout
the basket of stuff n where she was gonna go and she not 'member what her mommie had said and told
wolf-person that she was going to grammies wif some real nice goodie things n would visit n have a nice
time. Now the wolf-person (I think he mighta been called Mr. Sam-wolf) really wanted some of those
goodies (n I'm not sure ifn he jus wanted the goodies ina basket). He pretty hungry I be thinkin 'cause he
wasn't getting nuffin ina forest pwace. Nope he wasn't. But ifn he not as quick to catch n eat lil rabbits, he
was real smart enough to know that he could trick Li’l Red Ridin’ Hood n her grammie.
So Mr. Wolf-person (he gotta be boy wolf, cause boys knows bout puppy dog tails n wolfs got a puppy
dog tail) say "bye, bye". n takesa short cut n gets to grammie's house real quick like. Wolf can be real
fast ifn he wants.
Anyway at grammie's house he stop n listen cause he not sure if grammie the only one there. But he
sniff n he sniff some more n finds out from sniffin that grammie all 'lone. He also find that grammie sorta
gamy too, I be thinking cause she sick n not take bafh ina looooonnnnngggg while. But when wolf
knocks ona door n grammie sees wolf, she real spry n gets away real quick too.
You know, I not know grammie's name?? It not Vicky or Vickie or Vicki or Kim or Juli or any name I
knows of. So she called grammie cause I not know a name for her now. Sorry.
Anyways, grammie sorta gets away n wolf gets a bit worried but he not smell much except for gamy
grammie smell which sorta make his smeller go bad a bit. So he wants to get sumfin on that make him
look like grammie but only thing he find is grammie REAL gamy clothes. See she sorta real sick n not do
washing for a real, real long time n that mean it real dirty stuff she wear. So wolf hasta wear grammie
clothes which make his smeller not work at all much. He mighta left right then but he hears a knock ona
door n a lil voice saying "Hi, Grammie, I here". It a lil voice 'cause Red a lil girl person.
So Lil Red Riding Hood opens the door n goes in n sees grammie ina bed n wants to help n brings her
cakes n cookies n stuff for to make her well n feel better. N she woulda done that but it not grammie ina
bed. So she look at wolf-grammie n says..
"What big eyes you gots".
"The better to see you wif", says wolf-grammie in a sorta wolf-grammie voice.
Now Lil Red not too bright sometimes n maybe then she needs some glasses 'cause she not see that it
wolf-grammie but think this is her own grammie. 'Sides it smell like grammie only a bit stinky. She come
closer n says….
"My, what big ears you gots".
Now this a bit much for Mr. Wolf who thought he'd put his pointy ears ina grammie cap real good.
Sometimes when wolf be a wolf-grammie, he not too smart either. Maybe? But he does say…
"The better to hear you wif".
N that sounds a bit strange even to Lil Red. She gets a lil closer n smells wolf-grammie's breath. Then
she sees some teeth n gets a lots worried. Either grammie very sick or this might not be grammie. But
where be grammie, she wonders. So Lil Red being one dumb lil girl person (boy persons - 'specially
childe - lots smarter, betcha). Maybe she not so smart cause she almost blind n not smell so good
herself. Maybe? Maybe. But she does ask one stupid question.
"My, what big toophs you got."
"The better to eat you wif," was wolf-grammie's reply. So he hops outta bed n grabs Lil Red Ridin' Hood
n gobbles 'er up. That easy cause she really, really lil girl n wolf real real big. But maybe it because wolf
gots a big moufh. I not say which cause wolf might be real n find lil childe n gobblemeup, too. I not like
that n if it did, 'tory might go li…Ulrp.
But 'tory not do that (hehheh) n wolf gots outta grammie clothes n sorta lays down n goes to sleep. I
figure that wolf might do that cause he real fulla Lisa/Red. N sometimes I wonders ifn the wolf eats Lil
Red if he becomes a red wolf. Bit I not think that cause it makes my head hurt lots.
Anyway, Mr. Wolf sound asleep when grammie come back. She gots a person wif a gun who was gonna
shoot wolf dead but gun mighta killed Lil Red if she were still alive and inside sorta sleeping in his
tummy. So Mr. Hunter or whatever takes a long, sharp knife (silver maybe?) n slices Mr. Wolf from top to
bottom n Lil Red climbs out all covered with goo n poop n other bad smelling stuff. Now Mr. Hunter or
whatever get the hose n starts spraying water on Lil Red n gets her not so smelly. N both nods at each
other n sprays grammie wif lotsa water n Lil Red gets some soap n scrubs grammie losts so she not have
gamy grammie.
N Mr. Wolf?? He gets to go to operas n ballets n things like that. He one real bored wolf I think cause
he now a fur coat n Lil Red Riding Hood now called Lil Wolf Riding Hood.
So I 'spect that when a Wolf-Person wants to get a girl to go wif him to grammie's, he better get her
candy n gems or sumfin she like or he may become a fur coat or at least be taken to the cleaners.
That real bad.
Bye, bye,
Childe