Da gumshoe retoins.

Posted by Barbanne on February 25, 2004 at 21:31:01:


Hey remember me?
I'm Barbee wid da emphasis on da ee, like Bar-BEEEEEEEEEE. You know da only dame woikin' as a gumshoe in da big apple.
Let me tell you about dis case I just had.
I had been dragged along by my goilfriend Sally to dis muscle broad competition at da Lyceum theatre. Dats one of dem shows where dese broads who are built like gorillas prance about in itsy bitsy scraps of cloth and show us dere muscles. Not like da usual strip show or something (you know dose, like "show us yer tits babe!") Anyway we wuz close up, like ringside seats and da babes came out and dripped sweat all over us and posed and pranced and corded up dere muscles and looked like super goil or something and I couldn't tell one from anudder and da music wuz like jet engine strength and eventually da judges chose dis babe called California Kate as Miss Muscle Babe and she comes out to flex her pecs for us in a sort of victory dance. She's built like king kongess and her bra isn't needed cause she's not really got tits, not like me anyhow, and her briefs are so tight I reckon her muff's probably coming out her asshole and she's got really badly blonded hair and she's grinning like cheesey wid dese piano key teeth and waving her hand at us and she's got biceps like yeee and she looks down at me and sneers and then goes like wide eyed and erky and her eyelids flutter and her eyeballs bug and then roll out of sight and her leg muscles quiver and her knees bend and she starts swaying and her knees buckle and her arms drop down and she turns half left and KERTHOOMP! she goes down like she's been poleaxed, thumping da floor so hard it bounces.
People are screaming and saying stuff like "What da fuck?" and I say to Sally, "Come on," and I jump up onto da stage and kneel down beside Miss Muscle Babe and I can see she won't be defending her title next year cause she's gone all purpley and blood leaks out of her nose in a thin little stream and as I'm bending over her she drools a little more blood and sort of jerks and her tongue flops out between her teeth and when I feel for her carotid it sure ain't working and then when I prise up her eyelids her pupils are shrunken to pinpricks and all life has left her eyes.
Someone had called da cops and Sergeant Al arrived and looked down at California Kate's corpse and me beside it and said, "Cause you're here Barbee I just know dis dame didn't die of old age and please tell me you didn't ice her yourself babe?"
"I wuz here wid Sally watchin' da show when Miss Muscle's here keels over dead."
"We'll get her down to da meat factory and find out what killed her and you two better come wid me and give statements."
He looked down at the dead body builder.
"Bring a stretcher Bert and bring two strong guys to carry it."
California Kate departed da Lyceum, flat on her back and lolling on a stretcher carried by two grunting medics and covered wid a sheet and one arm had flopped out from under da sheet and wuz dangling sort of limp like.
Sergeant Al took me and Sally down to da station and had one of his stooges take our statements, typing dem painfully onto an ancient Remington in amongst cursing, rubbing and making a generally inky mess. We didn't really have a whole lot to say as what we'd seen wuz what everyone had seen up to and including when Kate took her dive onto da stage. Kate herself had gone to da morgue to be probed and unzipped to see what she could tell from beyond da big unknown. Al came back and decided we wuz useless and told us to go home. Sally and I took a cab back to our tenement and I kissed her goodnight and went upstairs to my one bedroom closet.
I opened da door and snapped on da light switch.
Nuthin' happened. I stumbled inside and fumbled in the dark looking for matches and suddenly I wuz grabbed by a boa constrictor. One huge arm around my waist and anudder around my throat. Da arms constricted and I went like "uk, uk, uk," and a lighter snapped on and from behind da flickery flame a voice said, "OK broad what did da bitch say before she croaked?"
"Wot?" I gurgled.
"C'mon babe don't be cute what did Miss Muscle say before she cashed in?"
"Don't know what you're talking about," I glooged.
"Hoit her ape."
Ape did, bending my arm back and throttling me some more.
"She wuz dead when I got to her."
"Try harder babe."
"Its da trooth."
"You're holding out on us babe."
"No I'm not. She died as I got to her and she sure said nuttin'."
"She's useless ape, ice her."
"Noooooooooo.................," I shrieked.
Ape sorta jerked my neck and I went bye byes.

When I came to I had spent da night sleeping on da floor and dawn was lightening my grubby little flat.
I staggered up feeling like crap and shed my clothes and got under a luke warm shower (dats da best I ever get) and stood there until I felt human again. I dressed in clean undies and a floral print dress and sensible shoes, ate some breakfast and decided to find out who chilled California Kate before someone else came by playing twenty questions.
I had da programme from da night before and read dat California Kate wuz managed by a dame called Judy Ziller. I consulted da phone book and found out dat Judy Ziller lived on West Eleventy Eleventh and called her number.
Nobody answered so I wrote down da address and went to see her.
I got da subway to da stop nearest West Eleventy Eleven and climbed up into a hazy humid day.
Da Ziller dame's block wuz a three story walk up and she wuz on da top. Of course. I had a doity headache frum bein' zapped by ape and so climbing da stairs didn't help. I knocked on da door of da flat, three twelve it was, and of course no-one answered. I tried da door.
It wuz unlocked.
I went inside.
Da joint had been tossed.
Everything wuz everywhere, doors opened, drawers pulled out and da contents dumped and everything wuz in one helluva mess.
Dis didn't feel good.
I called out, "Miss Ziller? Judy are you home?"
I started looking in da rooms.
Den I found her.
She wuz taking a swim in da bath wid a very wet, very black radio.
I turned everything I could find off.
Judy Ziller wuz a skinny bottle blonde and she wuz lying on her side wid one arm trapped under her and da other reaching out with hooked fingers like she'd been trying to stop something, (a flying radio maybe) her face wuz under water, eyes and mouth wide open and she wuz blue on all her extremities. Blue fingertips, blue toes, blue lips, blue nose, blue nipples and da ends of her pointy little tits wuz blue like ice cream cones wid blueberry sauce spilled over dem.
She wasn't going to be a lot of help.
I phoned da precinct wid my hankie over da phone and told da desk guy a broad wuz cooked in her bath at West Eleventy Eleventh and hung up quick while he wuz still shouting questions and den I skedaddled.
On my way out I found a business card wid da address of da Body Tone Studio downtown on da west side. I reckoned I might as well head on down there.
It wuz a seedy little dump in a back street and da Body Tone Studio wuz a gym.
When I walked in a lotta hunks were punching bags and sparring and wrestling and doing that sorta sweaty male grappling stuff and I decided I wuz goin' to enjoy myself. I got heaps of whistles and catcalls and stuff like, "Wanna try a few holds babe?" and "Get stripped babe and we'll grope," and a lot of coarse laughing.
I said, "Where do da broads work out?"
And dey said, "You look like you don't need much workin' out baby just a few muscle exercises and I got just da muscle."
"Get real you creeps," I said and den a familiar arm wrapped itself around my shoulder and ape said, "Well, well, look who's up early after a good night's sleep."
"Lay off me shithead," I said, "dere's witnesses everywhere."
"Like who?" he said.
"Like everybody here," I waved an arm around.
"Any of you guys see a broad?" he shouted.
"What broad?"
"A skoit, is dere a skoit in here?"
"C'mon babe you're invisible," said ape.
"Where we goin'?" I said suddenly all whiney.
"Louie wants to see you?"
"Louie? let me guess, da guy behind da match."
"Poifect babe, you outta be on da sixty four thousand dollar question."
We headed for an office in back.
Ape pushed me through the door. Behind a battered desk sat the fattest guy I have ever seen. He was wearing a pin striped shirt with those little expanding wire like bicycle clips that kept his cuffs out of the muck and bright red braces that held up the chalk striped pants of a suit. The coat was hung off the back of his chair.
"Look what I found snooping around outside boss."
"Well, well," it was the voice from the night before, "don't learn fast eh baby? I might have to teach you another lesson. Ape is my instructor and he instructs good. You want ape to woik you over."
My head was shaking vigorously.
"No, no mister, no more lessons.................please."
"Not brave eh babe?"
"No way, arrant coward mister, really."
"Den get yer nose outta my business."
"I want to know why California Kate and now Judy Ziller were iced."
"Da Ziller dame is dead eh?"
"Cooked in her tub."
"Listen babe you wanna loin somethink?"
"Go to dis address and ask what you just asked," he wrote something onto a pad and ripped off the page and handed it to me.
"But babe."
"Don't go until after ten tonight."
"Why not?"
"Cause we don't want you to get kilt eh girlie. Get rid of her ape."
Ape frog marched me out of the building. There were some half hearted cat calls.
"Wisht I could see dat babe."
"Like to paddle her ass."
"Get her on her back in da ring anytime."

I waited until ten and then caught a cab to the address fatso had written down. It was a warehouse in da South Bronx.
The place looked to be in darkness. I tried da front door and found it locked. I had some little tools my granny had given me and wid dose I opened da door in zero time flat. In da gloom I could see a long stair that led upward to where light was spilling from under a door.
I sneaked up da stairs.
At da top light was leaking out under a thick wooden door. I crept over and knocked lightly. Da door was opened and my arm was grabbed and I was yanked inside. A huge guy in a black shirt had me by the hand and was bending it back painfully. Another huge guy grabbed my other arm. A cold steel ring pressed against my forehead, I didn't need a degree to know it was the business end of the barrel of a gun.
The room I was in was huge and the walls were decorated with giant banners featuring the red black and white of the swastika.
At the far end under big iron eagles sat a table full of guys in dark suits and one guy wearing a black uniform wid lightning flashes on da collar.
"Brink her here," said the uniformed guy.
The black shirted guys hustled me over to da table.
"Vat do you vant fraulein?"
"I was told youse guys can tell me who cancelled California Kate and Judy Ziller's tickets."
"Vee did girlie."
"You kilt them dames?"
"Indeed vee kilt their asses as you Americans say."
(Actually I'm not American but its literary licence OK)
"Oh fraulein, but of course dey vere bumbling US spies and dey vould haff tried to schtop us. Can you imagine schtop der Feuhrer's magnificent advance?"
"Youse guys are nuts."
"Unt you Fraulein are dead. Shoot her Himmel."
There was an enormous bang followed by a fusilade of shots and I got that cold feeling and then prickly tingles in the fingers and toes and then I slid down to the floor in a cold faint.
I came to to find myself lying on my back with my skirt hoicked up showing far too much thigh and sergeant Al bending over me.
"What are you doin' here," I said, "and am I dead?"
"You aint dead babe and its like I told you, I'm da hero and I always arrive just in time to save your ass."
"I like dat about dese corny stories," I said. I sat up feeling woozy and found dat da black shirted guys were shot dead and da guys at da table were being herded together under arrest. Da guy in da uniform was makin' a lot of hassle and talking about diplomatic immunity. Al was telling him murder knew no excuses. Half da cops in da big apple seemed to be dere and so were fatso and ape.
Fatso waddled over to me snapping his braces.
"Well done my dear your government is grateful for your dogged stupidity."
"Youse guys are G-Men?"
"But of course my dear."
"Ooooooooooooo....................." I went out again.

I was naked and flat on my back again in sergeant Al's bed.
"I like dis part best when I get ta fuck da gumshoe," he said.
"I tink I'm gunna pass out again," I mumbled.
"Great," he enthused, "I get ta screw you widout da whiney bits afterwards."
"Bugger you I'll stay awake den."
"OK babe here comes cloud nine den."