Deadwood Funeral Parlour 4

Posted by Barbanne on March 29, 1999 at 00:58:39:

Ripper, I'm not trying to show how fast I can write. This is leading somewhere believe me.
OK folks, here's another episode in the life of the necro mortician and all round nasty little beastly bitch from Deadwood.

By Barbanne

I had two problems.
Big problems too, well for someone who's just a kid after all.
One was that Doc and Missus Doc wouldn't let up on the idee that I was a orphan kid who needed lookin' after following the oh, so, sad demise of my Pappy in that dreadful accident. (I coulda swore I saw smoke under that door.) Also they wuz worried that one so young and innocent was constantly attracted to older ladies and sorta mingled with 'em. (If'n they'd knowed about my loves, Nancye and Miz Jane, whom I kept sorta secret they'd a been ghastlified!)
Doc and Missus Doc was getting to be a pain.
My second problem was of an altogether different matter and I'll get around to that.
I made an appointment to see Doc. They wuz nobody had gotten themselves killed lately and my skills as a mortician wasn't needed right now, so I had plenty of free time.
I rocked along to Doc's and waited until Miz Matilda, that's his million year old receptionist, showed me in and closed the door behind me.
"What is it Barbanne. What can I do for you?"
"Well Doc, I want you to have a look at these bitsa me."
"Where's that child?"
"Here Doc," I unbuttoned my top and slipped it off and slid down my skirt and kicked it away. I sat real close to Doc and I took his hand and placed it on my breast.
"What am I feeling for?"
"This Doc," and I rubbed his hand around and around and my nipple nubbed up and squishied under his palm. I'm young and somewhat flat chested but I got real big nipples and they react to touching, something fearful.
"Ah............, yes............and...........?"
"This Doc," I took his hand from my nipple and covering it firmly with my own, I slid it inside my panties and rubbed it against my slit. I was wet, I nearly allus am and his fingers rubbed up and down against my pussy lips and he got good and sticky.
"Ah, Ah, Barbanne, perhaps.........................."
"Doc........please." I took his other hand and rotated it on my swollen nipple and rubbed the other up and down my wet puss.
"Barbanne............." Way he said my name sounded sorta strangulated and I took back my hands and started undoing his fly buttons. He didn't seem to notice and kept rubbing my, by now fully extended, nipple and my fast swelling clit.
I popped my head down just as his old feller burst free from his britches and boy oh boy, it wuz upcurved and straining at the leash. Just then Miz Matilda pushed the door and said "Doctor?" but I kicked it shut, slammo in her face, and swallowed Doc whole in one movement. I sucked and sucked at his cock and nibbled along its length with tender little chewie motions of my teeth. Doc wasn't articulating too good and could just manage to say like, "uuuunnnnhhhh......" and then, "UUUUNNNHHHH!!!!" I kept a swallowing him and slid my mouth along his cock, my head bouncing back and forth. Doc's old feller quivered and shivered and grew enormously large, like to choke me and then rat' a' tat, he shot his load and jizzed into my mouth and I sucked it all down, greedy like.
Then I smiled up at him really sweet like and opened my mouth a weensy bit and let his jiz dribble out both sides.
"Oh Barbanne, Oh child.......what have you done?" He says, puffin' some.
"You Doc."
"Oh My God," he says, "If Missus Doc........................."
"She'll never know Doc." I smiled sweeter'n molasses and swallowed his load.
"That is long as you'n two leave me be to live my own life."
"We will child. We will........................"
"Good. Wanna go again?"
He gets up and holdin' his britches up goes to the door and says "Matilda, I'll be tied up all afternoon. Tell people to come back tomorrow..............Oh, and Matilda, take an early afternoon."
Then he turns back to me and by now, I've shed my panties and bustier and spread my legs and bent backward over his desk. Doc's old feller is up at attention again and glistening and I can see the veins along it throbbing and he says "God forgive me," and covers the space between us like a stampeding bull and buries his shaft into my cunnie, right up to the hilt. He fucks me ragged so that afterwards I'm like crosseyed and stupefied and he's a panting and he says, "I birthed you girl and I don't recall smelling sulphur and brimstone at the time."
I giggled fit to bust and gave him my cross eyed come on.

That fixed up the problem with Doc and Missus Doc, although I see her lookin' sideways at me from time to time and then lookin' at him, but I went outta my way to be oh, so polite every time we met.
The other problem was in the nature of a two legged one, a dream walking. Mister Samuel, a new minister came to town to take over our church. He was maybe twenty some and tall, heaps taller than me and had dark hair and wuz real purty, I mean REAL purty and wuz single and wuz cuter'n'hell and when I seen him I got hot and cold and went weak in the knees and flushed and hot and had little wet episodes and woke up nights in a creamy lather dreaming about him.
I wanted him astride me, his thingummy buried in my pussy and I WUZ gunna have what I wanted.
Mister Samuel, I thought, I'm cummin' to get yer.

Old Missus Girdleheimer died from out there at Girdleheimer's ranch.
She wuz one of the original pioneer ladies of the district. Now you might have gotten the idee that I'm a sex obsessed death fetishist and I surely am, but I'm also a good mortician. That drunken old bastard of a father of mine had taught me well before he turned total piss pot. So when Miz Girdleheimer's body was brought in I worked my magic on it and when I'd finished with the cleaning up and laying out and applied some makeup and dressed the old lady in her Sunday best, she looked just lovely, laid out for the mourners. When she wuz delivered to the little clapboard church on Lookout hill, she wuz sure nuff purty. I finished my final touches what with laying her out and all and suddenly I became aware, Mister Samuel wuz there lookin' over my shoulder.
"You're a caring and considerate dear girl Barbanne." He says, smiling that parson's smile of his'n at me.
"Thank you reverend."
"Can I offer you some tea. We have half an hour before the mourners arrive."
"Thank you reverend."
"Come through to the sacristy and I'll make it."
"Thank you reverend."
We went into the small room and I sat demurely while he made tea and a plate of biscuits. He poured and I sipped mine and nibbled at a single plain cookie.
"I believe you lost your father recently?"
"Yes reverend," I sniffed appropriately and looked sad.
"Have another biscuit?"
"No thank you reverend."
"So you live alone?"
"Yes reverend."
(see how deliciously mousey and sickeningly polite I was, and I'da scoffed them cookies if'n I'd had half a chance.)
"You must get lonely?"
"Oh, I manage reverend. I cook and visit old ladies and read my bible." Quick glance upward to see if any lightning was forming in the room.
"You like cooking?"
"Yes reverend." Only word of truth so far.
"I'm afraid I am a very dull cook myself."
"Oh reverend, you must let me cook a meal for you."
"Would you do that? Really?"
"Oh yes reverend."
I heard the sound of carriages outside.
"I must go reverend."
"You'll not stay for the service?"
"I couldn't intrude reverend."
"You really are the most thoughtful young lady."
I simpered.
"Friday evening reverend?"
"Beg pardon?"
"For a meal."
"Oh Barbanne that would be wonderful. Not too much trouble though."
"Not for you reverend."
"I shall look forward to it."
I left. When I was out of sight I pumped my arm skywards and muttered "Yeeeeeeeessssssss."

The reverend jogged up on Friday evening.
We ate. Plain, wholesome, boring food like them folks in Deadwood like.
He scoffed the lot. I reckon it was probably the only meal he'd had for a while that wasn't ruined, burnt etc.
Afterwards I poured him a brandy from Paw's supply and had a cup of tea myself.
We chatted and I came over to the lounge and showed him the family bible. Hadn't opened it in yonks so the dust near choked us. I scooted my butt along the lounge until we was quite close. I'd put on some perfume Nancye had given me, and smelt like a harlot. He sniffed some and I took his hand and showed him my birth notice in that there bible. I rubbed my titties against his arm and let my hand slip and touch his leg. I pulled it away lady like and just managed to stroke his groin. Yep, his penis was there and it was aware of me. I took the bible back and managed another feel of him. He was rising to the bait. I sniffed.
"What's the matter Barbanne?"
"I'm so lonely reverend," sniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiifffffffffff, "since Paw died."
Sorta innocently I leaned in against him and put my head on his shoulder.
He put his arm around me and said. "There there dear."
I got my arms around him, they were bare in my scoop topped frock, and squeezed him. He said "Ah Barbanne." and I nuzzled in close and next thing I kissed his cheek and then I nibbled it and nibbled his lips and then covered them with my red lips and opened my mouth and attacked his with a questing tongue. He seemed taken aback and said something like "Oooer." which, considering my mouth was locked on his, was quite respectable. I said "Oh reverend....................." and pushed myself at him. I took his hand and popped it inside my bodice and let it rest on my small breasts. My outsize nipples rose obligingly into squeezy little knobs. His hand wandered across it and I rubbed against him and thrust my breasts forward. My hands scrabbled with his pants and unbuttoned them and fumbled with his long johns and freed his cock. It bounced out ready for action. He was making feeble protestations and moaning and I jumped up and dropped my dress in a flutter at my feet. I pulled a cord and stays and all gave way and I ripped them and my knickers down in one smooth swift movement. Near as damn it naked, I jumped him and my hands and mouth devoured him. He was groaning and moaning and I got his trousers off. I got him onto his back on the floor and slid my wet, dripping pussy astride his upcurved scimitar and rode him like a bronco.
"Yeeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.................." I shouted as I pumped my ass up and down and winked lewdly and lasciviously at him.
I think he knew he'd bin had, but he stayed for the long run and we enjoyed an all nighter.

The reverend and I had a few suppers after that. Then he'd mebbe stay and we'd, you know, what's the word? shag each other stupid! Yep, that's it.
People talked, but Mister Samuel explained that there wuz bizness to discuss, him bein' the burier and me bein' the burier preparations lady. Also he reckoned he wuz lookin' after my well being, me like orphaned and all. He sure was attending to my most pressing needs...............yup!
Doc liked visiting regular too.
He wuz lookin' after my health, he told folks. Lookin' after his own health somewhat, on account of if I told Missus Doc about my sword swallowing tricks, she'd likely cut off his'n sword. Besides I was keepin' his and her child welfare instincts suppressed.
So, a bit of buryin' and a whole lot of screwing wuz keepin' Barbanne a happy gal.
Then one day, reverend had just gone, when up bowls the sheriff and his merry men all of a lather and tells me come along quick, there's been a awful accident on the Santa Fe trail. I hitched up my wagon and followed the sheriff and the boys as we all lit out at speed.
About six kilometres outta town, the Deadwood stage has come a gutser and skidded off the track and turned ass over and passengers and all is lyin' scattered about and stuff and luggage is busted and wide spread and it's a God almighty mess. Sheriff and all is off their horses lickety spit and I pulled up my wagon and clambered out.
Young Miz Jones from town wuz lyin on her side and she had her neck broken and wuz surely dead. Her skirts were hoicked up and her knickers wuz showing and I pulled them down so's the guys wouldn't peek, her bein' dead and all. Two ladies in their thirties who'd been travelling through to Santa Fe was thrown clear and one wuz on her back and dead and had blood gushing from a bashed in head and the other was all ends up and showing stuff she surely woulda been embarrassed to display if it weren't that she were unconscious and, as it turned out when we examined her, dying of dreadful internal injuries. I tried to make her comfortable, but she died in my arms as I wuz getting her right. The driver had a busted leg and another feller what had been riding on top had a cracked forearm and cracked ribs. I helped the sheriff while we bandaged them up. It seemed that because they'd been on top, they'd been thrown off and escaped the worst. The ladies bein' inside had been bounced around some and kilt.
I started getting the bodies into the tray of my wagon and was just loading in the last one, Miz Jones, when I heard a awful groan from a clump of sage brush. I walked over and there wuz this gal, somewhat of my age and she wuz layin' there covered in blood and not moving at all and right next to her head wuz a big old rattler.
"Sheriff." I yells and over he came. I pointed to the snake. Out comes his six gun, spins it a couple times and Bango! bits of snake went all ways.
"Thanks dead eye," I says, "couldn't ya have just walked on over and shot it up close."
"Huh!" he snorts and walks away like, dumb broad what does she know of the code of the west.
I stooped over the young gal and she's fluttering her eyelids and rolling her eyeballs like pinballs. I snuck a look up her skirt and there was creamy thighs in there that set my heart to pounding. I could like this gal.
"Hey." I says.
"Uuuurrgghhh." She says.
"You alright?"
I looked her over and couldn't find anything of a serious nature and so fixed her to be comfortable and just then along comes Doc.
"Over here Doc."
"Not now Barbanne."
"They's a patient Doc!!!"
He came over and fixed up the gal. She only had bruises and stuff and then we helped her back to my wagon and I got her onto the seat.
So, with my one live lady and my three deaduns I jogged back to town.
The gal, her name wuz Melissa, told me she had hitched the stage and didn't have nowheres really to go. She wuz nineteen and sorta lost. I think she mighta been doing tricks and other naughty stuff round the towns and saloons of the south west. Anything to keep body and soul together. I told her she could stay with me. She asked woz there work in town. I said you can do high kicks and show yer garters at the saloon, which is a dangerous bizness, as I explained to her, or yer can come and work for me.
"Work for you? where at?" she asked.
"The funeral parlour."
"You'll like it."
"Yeah. Amongst dead people and stuff."
"Yeccho, I'd hate it."
"Nah you wouldn't. Deadies don't stuff you around like live folks and they don't use you and abuse you. You'll love 'em and there's me to work with and I'll pay you alright."
"How much?"
"A hunnert a month and board."
"Do I get me own bed?"
"What if I should wanna share?"
I giggled out loud. "Waal, we'd have to see about that."
"OK. I dun high kicks and all I ever got wuz fucked and I mean in every possible way and I'm lookin' fer a change. You got yourself a apprentice mort lady."
We shook hands and then kissed on it. I jerked a thumb at the back of the wagon.
"Got ourselves three customers to start on right now."

Melissa helped me unload Miz Jones and the other two ladies. We found out their names was Amy Saunders and Katie Childs. Sheriff wired Santa Fe and their folks said to fix 'em up and put the bodies on the Tuesday train. Liz Jones we was to get ready for burial in Deadwood. Liz was a pretty girl, pale, watery blonde. Amy was a redhead and Katie was a brunette. Both Amy and Katie had voluptuous bodies and Liz was slight and boyish.
Melissa helped me and we got them three girls naked and stretched out on the mortuary tables. I put on my apron and gave Melissa one to wear too. I figured I'd best not get naked just now. I set her to washing Katie down and I did Amy and Liz. She wuz washing away, taking her time and spending yonks around Katie's breasts and she says without looking up, "Barbanne, have you noticed how damn awful cute these girls look, laying here, without a stitch on and quiet and still and dead."
"Told you you'd like it."
"Whaddaya mean?"
"Playing with these nude dead chicks."
"Well, it's exciting sorta don't you think?"
"Aw that's awful. Well, I mean it ought to be awful, gross even, but you know, you're right. It's exciting. I never realised how sexy dead flesh could be."
"Let me lock the door and show ya."
Melissa and me and them three dead gals had a real good afternoon. Melissa and me ended up as naked as the stiffs and we had fun. I mean FUN.
When we'd finished and the gels were laid out and purty, Melissa and me supped and went to bed and, after a few seconds thought, she elected not to have her own bed that night.
Next day we put Kate and Amy on the train to Santa Fe and buried Liz.
Well, everybody thought we buried Liz.
Everybody except Melissa and me AND Liz!