Posted by Archer on July 12, 2001 at 22:17:16:
[multiple female victims, sexual innuendo, mild multilingual
profanity, mild sm, gratuitous nudity, gratuitous grave accents, gratuitous
mention of the state of Utah, most anachronistic gratuitous mention of
railroads]
In the ninety-nine nights since he discovered his wife's infidelity,
ninety-nine young maidens had served him fearfully but faithfully.
Each was put to death the next morning. Alas, the Sultan's rage was
not sated.
One hundred nights after that evil night, a maid by the name of Dinarzade
was summoned to the Sultan's palace. Her father counselled her thus:
"O my unfortunate daughter! I pray you to flee this accursèd
country before you meet the dread fate of the ninety-nine innocent maids
who preceded you!"
But Dinarzade would not obey him:
"O my kind and loving father, would that I obey you, then surely
the Sultan would have yout head. I will not save myself if it would
mean your death."
Though her father continued in his entreaties, and even though he threatened
to have her beaten for disobedience, she would not relent. And though
his servant did bring him a rod, he was unable to so much as raise it against
his virtuous and loyal elder daughter.
Now Dinarzade had a younger sister named Scheherizade, who feared greatly
for her father, who would certainly take his own life were his elder daughter
put to death. And Scheherizade likewise did fear for Dinarzade, for
Dinarzade had been a most kind and loving sister. Without telling
either her father or her sister, she followed Dinarzade to the Sultan's
Palace.
An hour later, the virtuous Dinarzade was disrobing for the Sultan:
"My lord! Though I know what terrible fate awaits me come the
morning, I am here to serve you. I am inexperienced in such matters,
so I only ask that you let me know what I should do to give you pleasure."
Just as she had removed the last of her clothing, Scheherizade burst
into the room, followed by a very frightened guard who exclaimed:
"A thousand and one pardons, my Sultan and Sultana. This intruder
managed to sneak past me while my back was turned for but a moment..."
Scheherizade interrupted the guard:
"O wise Sultan, I ask only that you hear my plea before you have
me put to death for this intrusion."
The Sultan signalled the guard to wait, and then to Scheherizade he
said, "Speak!"
"My lord, I have come here because of my love for my sister.
This I propose to you: I know a few stories which would surely amuse
you. Let me tell just one tale, and, if you be pleased, I only ask
that you have me put to death with my sister. If I fail to amuse,
then give me to this guard to do with as he wishes..."
Dinarzade was horrified. "No, absolutely not! I forbid..."
But the Sultan signalled her to be silent. To Scheherizade he
said, "I am intrigued by your strange and foolhardy proposition.
Do I understand it right? I you amuse, you die..."
"With my sister," she agreed.
"And if you fail to amuse, then you die..."
"Alone, at the hands of this ruffian," she agreed.
"Then proceed." The Sultan signalled to Dinarzade and the
guard to take seats. To this foolhardy storyteller, he offered some
wine.
After taking a sip of wine and thanking the Sultan for being a gracious
host, she breathed deeply and introduced her story. "O wise and
just Sultan, so deeply wronged by womankind, let me tell you a story of
the wicked ways of woman. I call this the Tale of the Four Sisters..."
The eldest sister, Malvernia, went first. "If I could marry
anyone I wanted, I would marry the Sultan's baker, so that I could taste
the bread that the Sultan eats."
Next in line was Calpurnia. "Well, my dear sister, you can
remove your top. Bread is just so common! Now if I could marry
anyone I wanted, I would marry the Sultan's cook, so hat I could
tasted the venison that the Sultan eats."
"Damn!" said Malvernia as she removed her top to expose her two
large and beautiful breasts. She blushed as Calpurnia gently tweeked
one of her nipples.
Next to play was Julesvernia. "Well, Malvernia, you may shed
your bottom, and you dear sister Calpurnia might as well drop your top.
One can have bread and meat anyday. Now if it were up to me, I would
marry the Sultan's personal guard..." She giggled and pointed
obscenely towards that part of her body where her legs joined to meet her
lower body. "If I married the Sultan's guard, I would get to feel
his sword," she said suggestively.
"Damn!" said Malvernia as she removed her dress to reveal her
pink panties.
"Fiddlesticks!" said Calpurnia as she took off her blouse to
raveal two small and beautiful breasts. Calpurnia blushed when Julesvernia
gently bit one of her nipples.
The three players turned to Amy, the fourth and youngest player.
This was, in fact, the very first time Amy had played Strip OneUpManShip.
For under the edicts of the Sultan, one had to be at least eighteen to
play Strip OneUpManShip (twenty-one in the province of Utah). And
Amy had just turned eighteen (or twenty-one in Utah).
Amy thought a moment. Then she said: "Off with your panties
Malvernia! Off with your dress Calpurnia! Off with your blouse
Julesvernia! For if I were to choose anyone to marry, it would be
the Sultan himself. For if I married the Sultan, I could have his
bread and his venison, and play with the Sultan's own sword. Of course
he probably wouldn't let me play with the guard's sword..."
"Damn!" said Malvernia as she removed her panties. Amy
rewarded Malvernia with a good hard smack on the bottom.
"Fiddlesticks!" said Calpurnia as she removed her dress to reveal
her yellow silk panties. (Well they weren't really silk -- after
all, these sisters did live on the wrong side of the tracks!)
"Merde!" said Julesvernia as she removed her top to reveal two
beautiful medium-sized breasts. Julesvernia gasped as Amy gave both
of Julesvernia's nipples good firm tweaks.
"Your turn," Amy said to Calpurnia. (Malvernia had no more
clothes and was out of the game.)
Calpurnia thought. And she thought. And she thought.
But she couldn't think of a way to top Amy. "Fiddlesticks!"
she said as she dropped her dressed. She winced when Amy gave her
bare bottom a good hard well-placed smack. "Ow!"
It was Julesvernia's turn. Julesvernia thought. And she
thought. And she thought real hard. Finally she said "Merde!"
as she removed her dress to reveal that she wasn't wearing any panties.
(Panties were expensive in those days, and on the other side of the tracks,
it was only the two eldest sisters who ever got to wear them.)
Julesvernia gritted her teeth as she presented her naked bottom to Amy.
Just as she relaxed thinking that Amy was going to spare her a spanking,
Amy struck. "Ow! That hurt!" Julesvernia cried.
Her sisters just laughed.
"Crybaby!" Malvernia chided her.
"Am not!" Julesvernia insisted, barely able to hold her tears.
Her sisters laughed again.
At that point, their mother entered the room and gave all four of them
good hard well-deserved spankings. (Strip OneUpManShip was legal,
but that didn't mean that mom had to tolerate it.)
Delighted by the scene, the Sultan tip-toed away and returned to the
Palace.
When the Sultan asked them about the previous night's game of Strip
OneUpManShip, Amy pointed to Julesvernia and said, "It was her idea!"
Julesvernia pointed to Calpurnia and said, "Well, Calpurnia asked
me to invite you..."
Calpurnia pointed to Malvernia and said, "Well, Malvernia started
it..."
Malvernia turned to point and realized there was no one else to blame.
"Damn!"
she said.
The Sultan laughed and said, "Relax! Strip OneUpManShip is
legal among consenting adults in this country. Eighteen and up except
in Utah where you have to be twenty-one."
Malvernia hesitated a moment and then managed enough courage to speak.
"You
mean we weren't summoned to the Palace for breaking the laws?"
"No," the Sultan laughed.
"You mean you aren't going to order us beheaded?" Calpurnia asked.
The Sultan laughed again. "You mean we shan't be hanged?"
Julesvernia asked, a bit more confidently.
"No," the Sultan said softly, smiling.
"I hope you won't spank us. My bottom's still sore from the
whupping Mom gave me last night," Amy said boldly.
"No, I didn't summon you hear to be punished. Malvernia..."
"Yes," Malvernia said nervously.
"You said you'd like to marry my baker. Did you mean that?"
"Yes," she said truthfully.
"Granted. And Calpurnia. You wished to marry my cook?"
"Oh yes!" Calpurnia exclaimed.
"Granted! And Julesvernia..."
"Your guard?" she interrupted, unable to contain her excitement.
"Also granted, though you will have to be whipped for interrupting
the Sultan. Normally I'd have you beheaded for that," he explained
sternly, "but I'll take your excitement into account. Just don't
let it happen again!"
"Oh no sir! And thank you sir! A thousand and one thanks
sir!"
"And Amy?"
Barely able to speak, Amy grunted, "Yes, my sire?"
"May I have your hand in marriage?"
"I have to check with Mom, but I think she'll say okay."
But, soon after the wedding, Amy's sisters became jealous of her good
fortune and joined forces to bring the downfall of the youngest sister.
When Amy became pregnant, they saw their chance. Combining their
resources, they paid Amy's midwife to kill her firstborn. (Now
the midwife was unable to carry out the foul deed, so instead, she put
the child on a small raft and let it sail down the river.) The evil
sisters then presented a cat to the Sultan, saying, "Here is your firstborn!"
The Sultan believed them and started to argue with his wife.
Scheherezade noticed that the Sultan was getting a little
restless. She hastily added that the Sultan in the story was less
aware in the wiles of women. She also noted that this Sultan lived
in an age when people were less enlightened, when there was no sex education
in the public schools. The Sultan relaxed. Scheherezade continued
with her story.
A year later, Amy gave birth to another boy. Her sisters conspired
with the same midwife to kidnap the boy. Again the midwife was unable
to kill the child, so, without consulting her co-conspirators, she sent
the boy sailing down the river on a raft. The sisters presented a
dog to the Sultan, saying, "Here is your second-born!"
Again the Sultan argued with his wife.
And the same fisherman rescued this boy and again made inquiries.
When these inquiries proved fruitless, he and his wife adopted this child,
naming him Perez.
A year later, Amy gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Once again,
her sisters conspired with the midwife to kidnap and murder the child,
and once again the midwife secretly sent the child sailing on a raft.
This time, the sisters presented a piece of wood to the Sultan, saying
"Here
is your third-born!"
The Sultan was incensed and had his poor wife stripped and imprisoned
in a glass house so that all might see her shame.
As for the baby daughter, she too was rescued by the elderly fisherman.
When inquiries failed to find the parents, he and his wife adopted the
girl as well. They named her Pamphilia.
The fisherman's wife died when Pamphilia was nineteen, and the fisherman
followed his wife a few days after Pamphilia's twentieth birthday.
Neither he nor his wife had told their adopted children of how they were
found, so they had no inkling of their true origin.
Orpheus and Perez surprised their sister on her twenty-first birthday
with a party and many gifts. One of these gifts was a gentle hummingbird
that had simply followed the boys home. Pamphilia was
so taken by the bird that she spake unto it, saying "O beautiful
and fragile little bird, how is that you can be so bold when foul pigeons
take flight at the slightest motion!"
She and her brothers were completely surprised when the bird spoke in
turn, but to Orpheus rather than Pamphilia: "O Orpheus, you of Noble
Birth, you have a quest to fulfill..."
Orpheus objected, "But my father was a poor-born fisherman,
the sone and grandson of fishermen..."
The bird would hear none of this. "Silence, Orpheus!
You have a quest to fulfill. In the lands far to the East, there
is a tree. Buried nigh is a large bag of pearls. You are to
go to that tree and bring back the pearls. But beware! For
the tree is guarded by a mighty Amazon warrior, so take your sword."
The bird then fell silent, and no amount of prodding would yield more
details.
After a fortnight, he espied the tree, and he saw that it was guarded
by a beautiful fierce naked Amazon warrior.
"Greetings, fair lady. I am Orpheus . I was bidden
by the talking bird to come here to retrieve the sack of pearls."
The Amazon spat on the ground and made fierce threatening hand gestures.
"And I am Rebecca the Sharpe. I'm only telling you this so you
know my name before I kill you." And in a moment, she was standing
before him with her sword drawn. "En garde!"
Orpheus was barely able to draw his sword in time to defend himself
against her first thrust. As soon as he stopped one parry,
he was forced to defend himself against another. Try as he might
to find an opening, he was unable to find one. But his defensive
skills were unmatched by anyone, so, for her part, Rebecca was unable to
find any flaw in his defense.
When a cloud briefly passed under the sun, Rebecca made a small error,
and the tip of Orpheus' sword made a small incision in Rebecca's right
breast, just below the tip of her nipple. "Ouch!" cried the
mighty Amazon warrior. The cloud moved on and Rebecca made no further
mistakes. But Orpheus now knew her weakness.
As he defended himself, he moved slowly towards the tree. Rebecca
continued to attack relentlessly. But, when they were in the shade
of the tree, she again started to make small errors. And each error
was met by a successful thrust of Orpheus' sword. After an
hour of fighting under the tree, Rebecca was starting to feel the dizzying
effects of the loss of blood. Then, without warning, she felt his
sword enter her navel and she screamed in pain. As she involuntarily
let go of her sword, she opened her mouth to ask "But how?"
But although she formed the words, her mouth issued blood rather than sound.
Orpheus withdrew his sword and again he struck. Rebecca's last
sight was of her quickly receding body -- he had beheaded her.
Orpheus retrieved the poke of pearls, and in its place he buried the
body and severed head of the once mighty Amazon warrior Rebecca of Sharpe.
After a fortnight of unevent travel, Orpheus returned home and presented
the pearls to the hummingbird. "You have done well, O Orrpheus."
The bird turned to Perez and eyed the younger brother for what seemed an
eternity. Then the bird spoke to Perez. "O Perez, you of
Noble birth..." Perez started to object buth thought better of
it when he was met with one very dirty look by the bird. "As I
was saying! O Perez, you of Noble birth, you like your brother have
a quest to fulfill. In the lands far to the West, there is a tree.
Buried nigh is a bag of gold. You are to go to that tree and bring
back the gold. But beware! For the tree is guarded by two mighty
Amazon warriors, so take your staff."
The bird again fell silent and answered no further inquiries.
After two fortnights, he found the tree. And as the bird predicted,
it was guarded by two fierce , beautful, and of course completely nakedAmazon
warriors.
Perez, always a gentleman, introduced himself thus: "Greetings, O
fair and mighty Warriors. I am Perez. I was bidden by the talking
bird to come and retrieve the satchel of gold."
One of the warriors, obviously the leader of the pair, spat on
the ground, saying "Over my dead body, Pretzel!"
The other imitated her companion by spitting on the ground. "Yeah,
and me too, Preez!" she added, also deliberately misprouncing his name.
"And who is that I owe the pleasure of this most delightful fight?"
Perez
asked.
The two barbarian women were completely puzzled by this questions.
Fortunately the hummingbird tagged along to act as a translator.
"He's
asking you to introduce yourselves," the bird explained. Before
they could answer, the bird flew off.
The two women gave each other a puzzled look and then the leader
shrugged. "Why not? I'm the Mighty Sha..."
The other one introduced herself, "and I'm Luna..."
"Luna the Mighty," Sha corrected her.
"Yeah, I'm Luna the Mighty. So there, Preezyhead."
And in a flash, Sha stood before Perez and Luna behind him, both with
swords raised.
Now if Sha and Luna had know that Perez's brother had slain Rebecca
of Sharpe, they would probably not have been quite so bold in confronting
Perez. In fact, had they known, they would probably have treated
him with deference, perhaps even to the point of helping him retrieve the
poke of gold. But they didn't know. So they confronted him.
Perez was ready with his staff in plenty of time.
Though as a fighter, Perez was no match for his brother, it should be known
that Sha and Luna were likewise no match for Rebecca of Sharpe. With
one twist of his staff, he was able to connect with the bare flesh of his
adversaries' buttocks, sending both of them face first into the muddy grounds.
"Merde!" said Sha.
"Merde!" echoed Luna.
Both got up quickly. Unfortunately they were both slow learners,
and they accordingly raised their swords once again. Once again with
the help of a barely perceptable twist the wrist, the ends of Perez'
staff connected with the bare flesh of Sha and Luna's buttocks. The
two were sent sprawling in opposite directions. In an effort
to avoid falling flat on their faces, the two Warriors kept their legs
moving. Unfortunately for them, they both landed in puddles of quicksand.
Now Perez was a gentleman, and despite their hostile behavior, he did
his best to save them. But their muddy hands were too slick to get
a good hold on the staff. So the two not-so-mighty warriors met a
not-so-glorious end, drowning in quicksand.
As for Perez, he retrieved the gold. Using one gold piece, he
hailed a passing Yellow Carriage and returned home in half a fortnight.
When Perez presented the gold to the humming bird, the bird cocked its
head at Pamphilia. Pamphilia almost swooned at this attention.
"O
Pamphilia, you of Noble birth..." The bird paused, expecting
an objection. When none was forthcoming, the bird continued.
"You
too have a quest to fulfill. In the lands of the far North, there
is a tree. Twenty paces from the tree lies a broom. You are
to go to that tree and bring back the broom..."
"A broom?!?!?" Pamphilia exploded. "What kind of male
chauvinist sexist-pig garbage is this?"
"Easy, kiddo! I'm just the messenger."
"Well, Pamphy," Perez said triumphantly, "I guess this pretty
much does in your feminist theological theories..."
When she simply glared at him, he decided to drop the subject.
"Okay, so I bring back the broom," she said. "Anything
else?"
"Oh right!" the bird continued. "But beware. For
the tree is guarded by an Amazon scouting party. So take this ball
of twine."
After three fortnights, she came upon the tree and espied the Amazon
scouting party that stood guard. She was fortunate night had fallen,
so none of the Amazons saw her. The Amazons drew straws. "Well,
Carrie, tough luck. You get sentry duty tonight."
"Merde!" she responded elegantly.
As Carrie took a position just on the edge of the camp, the other Amazons
put on clothes and passed around bottle of liqueur and cheap American beer.
Pamphilia was puzzled by this strange behavior until she realized that
the otherAmazons were getting ready to play a game of Strip OneUpManShip,
a sexist bourgeois capitalist game that was being spread worldwide
by decadent imperialist missionaries from a distant principality
known as Utah.
Pamphilia approached the sentry Carrie from behind. Even from
behind, she had to admire this warrior's natural beauty. It was a
pity, but Carrie would have to die. And now Pamphilia knew why she
needed the twine. Taking a small length of twine, she formed it into
a loop. When she was just behind Carrie, she brought the loop over
Carrie's head and around her neck and pulled with all her might.
Carrie tried to scream out a warning, but her efforts were to no avail.
The twine was simply too tight. It was a slow death, and Carrie writhed
and struggled to the very end. But in the end, she lay still.
But Pamphilia took no chances, so she stabbed Carrie in the heart with
Orpheus' sword.
The Amazons in the tent were as noisy as Carrie was quiet. And
in a moment, one of them cried, "You lose!"
"Yeah," the loser giggled as her bottom received the customary
spanking. "Excuse me while I go relieve myself." She
staggered outside, with her blood alcohol well above legal limits.
Pamphilia was disgusted and she had no regrets as she garrotted this poor
excuse for a warrior.
After a few minutes, the one who had called this loser was herself declared
a loser. After a loud whack, she volunteered to relieve Carrie of
sentry duty so Carrie could play. This one was so drunk
that she actually tried to make love with Carrie's dead body. Pamphilia
was absolutely outraged. She swung the sword and beheaded the
drunken sot.
The remaining two Amazons fell asleep in each others' arms.
They weren't as drunk as their two playmates, so they awoke rather rapidly
as Pamphilia strangled them with the twine. But their struggles were
futile.
Pamphilia had no trouble finding the broom. She gathered her provisions
and the equipment, provisions and weapons of the Amazons and travelled
home, leaving the rotting corpses of the Amazons for scavengers.
As she presented the broom to the bird, she said "Just don't send
me after a mop!"
"Look, Cook!" Orpheus explained, "If the talking bird says
to bake the pearls in loaves of bread, the just do it!"
"But my family recipes don't say anything about..."
"Stop arguing and follow orders!"
The bird spoke. "Impressed by food, and amazed by pearls baked
in bread. Hmmmph!"
When he heard the talking bird he was astonished. "What manner
of creature is this? An insolent talking bird? Praisèd
be Allah!"
"You think that's astonishing! What would you think if you
heard about a Sultan who believed that his sons were a cat and a dog and
that his daughter was a piece of wood?"
The Sultan was shocked. "You speak of me?"
The bird explained the truth to the foolish Sultan. The Sultan
in turn freed his wife from her glass prison and summoned the evil sisters
and the midwife to the modest home of his sons and daughter. As soon
as they arrived, he pronounced sentence, and within the hour the four traitors
were publicly hanged and left as an example to all who would plot against
the Sultan and his wife and family.
For her part, his loving wife Amy forgave her husband's folly, for she
too was fooled by her sisters' ruse. Besides, she now had her family.
As for the dog, Amy gave it to her mother, for Pamphilia was allergic
to dogs.
As for the cat, they kept the cat.
And the block of wood? Well Amy gave that to her mother so she
could play fetch with the dog.
And they all lived happily ever after.
Scheherizade did answer him thus: "O my Sultan, I would gladly obey
you in this request, but I am now tired and must rest before my execution
tomorrow morning. If my sister and I had but one more night to live,
I could amuse you with another tale. But I know that such a stay
is impossible..."
The Sultan interrupted her. "What do you mean impossible?
After all, I am the Sultan..." He turned to the guard and said,
"Find
a maiden to be beheaded tomorrow morning. Oh, I just can't wait until
tomorrow night to hear another tale."
Scheherizade had one thousand and one tales to tell, and the Sultan
enjoyed every one. Of course, when Scheherizade ran out of tales,
she and Dinarzade were both beheaded.
As for their father, he did not commit suicide. After selling
rights to his daughter's stories to an Englishman named Richard Burton
(not the actor), he retired and spent the rest of his long and happy life
managing a chain of bordellos.