Posted by AlOmega on September 12, 2000 at 19:02:41:
But maybe I should ask if Sam should put it in the archive or not. People might object and I might want to remove it and ....
Awe Hell, have fun.....
In that long-ago when knights were young and days were long and everything that could go wrong with the world
hadn’t happened yet – or wouldn’t until another ‘once upon a time’ had passed, there were twin girls born to a
widow woman (not a man). While not a young woman, neither was she old. Fact was that she was hardly old
enough to be a widow woman. And I call her that because she had no man around so I assume she was a widow.
Moreover she was white which meant she was never a black widow.
Awe nuts!
Cashews be okay?
Anywhere, she had these two whelps. One had skin white as snow so she got named Snow White. The other had
lips so like a rose that she received the name Rose Red (though why identical twins would look enough unalike to
receive two such unlikely names, I’ve never been able to figure). Now it came to pass that when the two girls were
about twelve, they were sent into the forest to pick berries – specifically blackberries. But all they could find were
strawberries (which aren't berries at all). Although Snow White did most of the picking, Rose Red did most of the
eating. She liked strawberries because they made her lips even redder. Or maybe she did this because Snow White
would break out in a rosy rash whenever she ate any.
Anyway, they were picking, puckering, and eating when they heard a cry from near and far – well much nearer than
far because they both heard it. When they discovered the source of the cry was a small person – a dwarf, hafling, or
maybe a gnome. I don’t know or really give a sh**t. Nor do I care whether the creature was male or female. It was
old looking and had a beard but since female dwarves and gnomes have beards that don’t mean much o’ nothing.
What he/she/it done done was to have got its beard caught in a crack in a tree root. Heck, I’m gonna call he/she/it a
he and a dwarf and anyone that don’t like it can stuff it.
So the guy dwarf had his beard caught in a crack in a tree root. He must have been stupider than that tree or he
would have know it was a wise crack and avoided it. Or maybe he was burying something in the crack which would
make it his wise crack or maybe just his crack. He was lucky that he hadn’t decided to poop and get his crack caught
in a crack. So he goofed and got his long beard caught. The two girls no sooner got there then they had to ask him
what his beard was doing in that crack and how did it happen. Instead of being grateful for help, the dwarf started
bitching. And some of the words would have flamed the ears of another dwarf. The girls though didn’t understand
dwarf-speak no how and so it didn’t bother them in the least.
So they set about pulling and prodding on the old guy and his beard but nothing seemed to work except for his mouth
which went on a-cursing as if no one was there. Finally he sorta got scared as well as mad when he heard a roar in
the distance. About this time Rose Red had a bright idea of her own. Pulling out a pair of sheers, she cut his beard
from the crack.
That's when the old fart let out a round of expletives that would have made the ancients cringe. Boiled down he was
complaining why they had to cut his beautiful, long beard just so they wouldn’t have to work so hard removing it in
one piece. With never a kind thought, the old dwarf picked up his bag of gems and slipped into the forest shadows.
Well there’s no telling taste so the girls went right on back to plucking and puckering and eating. It wasn’t long
before the cause of the roar came right up to the edge of the berry patch. Yep it was one of them big brown bears.
But the bear seemed a kind sort. I mean it was summer and all and the bear – male for this tale – wasn’t needing to
store fat for the winter just yet. Ya see bears like berries and other plants and seeds. As it so happens, plant stuff
makes up about 70% of their diet. Meat makes up the other 30%. So he must have been a nice bear because he
could have seen more than the girls picking berries. He could have seen his 30%.
Anyhow the girls weren’t scared and they were pretty – well Snow White showed a lot of Snow White skin and Rose
Red a good deal of rosy lips coated with delicious strawberries (and maybe they were eighteen and not twelve.
Problem with these-here fairy tales is that the people are mostly very young and when they was told, they got to be
innocent or something or it messes up the story – or maybe these are told to small brats who’re about five or six.)
Anyway so while they went right back to plucking and puckering, they threw a lot of strawberries his way so he could
be a-eating. And it went right on being that way until near sunset when the trio headed back to mom’s for a bite.
The girls weren’t scared of the darkening forest. I wouldn’t be either with a big brown bear tagging along. So when
they got within sight of their home, they told the friendly bear to go back into the woods since there might be a hunter
nearby. I suppose a hunter was nearby because he had eyes on their widow woman mom and figured on settling down
a bit.
Anywho, several days passed before the two went out into the wilds of the forest to find some fruits and nuts. They
were collecting some hazelnuts when they heard in the distance some hollering and bellowing. Being young and still
stupid (a prerequisite for twelve or eighteen??), the two wondered over to where the racket was coming from (and
this has nothing to do with tennis). And I bet you can’t guess that what’s-his-name – that old male dwarf – came up
to be the source of the bitching. Seems he was a-fishing and got his beard caught in the line. That wasn’t bad
enough though because a very large carp was holding onto the hook and sorta pulling him into the lake. Which I
would have been hollering “help” rather than cursing and bitching.
The girls managed to pull the protesting dwarf back to the shore – getting their skirts wet in the bargain – but
couldn’t get the line loose enough to get his beard untangled. They managed to bring the carp onto the shore as well
but still the beard was so tangled that they could only use the sheers to cut his beard once again. This caused no end
of invectives to spew forth like an unending river of garbage. In his haste to depart the ungrateful presence of the
two girls, he left both fish and pole and only stopping to pick up a bag of gold, slipped from sight.
About that time, a bear – the same large brown bear they had befriended before – came out of the woods. Seeing
that the bear meant them no harm, the girls gave him the carp that the dwarf had left. After all they had no use for the
damn thing and it would have become a smelly mess if they had taken it home. Picking up their cache of hazelnuts,
the two started for home with the bear in tow. Like before, they sorta asked the bear to go out into the woods and
make his way there.
Now it was getting into the Fall Time (ya know – flowers dying, leaves changing color, nuts and fruits mostly gone)
when there was a knock on the door one evening. Now the widow woman answers and maybe you’da been
expecting a nasty old dwarf but it ‘tweren’t. Nope. It was that nice old brown bear. Apparently it couldn’t find a
place to den up and had decided that the girl’s house should be Da Place to cut a bear rug in – make with the forty
winks I suspect. Everything went on like it had before with the girls making small trips and returning home to help
out with the cooking and cleaning and all. They’d go to bed sleeping next to that not-so-smelly bear who was mighty
comfy but who also snored like a …. Bear.
Spring comes a rolling around and the bear disappears. The girls don’t worry (and their mom was probably relieved
anyway) where the bear went figuring that where else would a bear go but in the woods. And there would have been
a big backup of poop in that ol’ bear by this time (and maybe he didn’t smell so nice). Without the bear, things got
back to normal (whatever that is when a widow woman with two nubile girls live all alone in the forest).
One day, the girls had decided to go out and get some berries – dew berries this time. They were a bit surprised to
see their old friend, the bear out looking for stuff himself. With a few grunts he guided them to a honey tree and
helped them raid the thing. Well they sort of made a fire and smoked the bees out and he sort of opened the tree with
his can-opener claws. Now the girls had some honey to go with their dewberries. I suspect that this led to the old
saying of Honeydews – that is “honeydew this” and “honeydew that”. After all when you have some honey(s) and
some dews and they look as cute as these two girls, you’ll ‘dew’ anything they want.
About the time they were finishing with the honey, they heard a scream and some expletives. That meant their other
‘friend’ was nearby. So though they’d been cursed many times by that old dwarf guy, they went to see what the
trouble was. This time the old guy had got his beard caught in the branches of a tree. Now the girls didn’t have a
knife but they did have some shears. So out they come and off goes his beard. Now the old dwarf should have been
happy to be freed but he wasn’t. I don’t think so because from somewhere, he got this knife and was gonna stick it
into the girls a mite just to punish them for a-cutting his stupid, old beard. Now the girls had something to worry
about. They had backed up into the crook of an old oak when they heard a roar and out of the woods charged their
friend, the bear.
That bear was looking at what that dwarf was doing and decided right then and there that he needed his 30%. Maybe
dwarf tasted good to that old bear. Maybe not. But the dwarf couldn’t have cared less because he was sort of dead.
Can-opener claws can do that – especially when a blood mouth is helping out.
The girls were horrified at the carnage and looked away frightened at what their ‘friendly’ bear had done. But they
turned when a tenor voice called out to them. What should they see but instead of a bear a rather handsome guy in a
hunting outfit. Fact was the guy was some sort of prince. Now just like that the girls fell in love with the prince.
Money and prince stuff just does that to women whether their twelve, eighteen or eighty. He told them that the
dwarf or whatever had enchanted him and turned him into the bear and that to break the enchantment, the dwarf had
to die. At about the same time, there was a shout and another guy shows up with some bags of jewels and gold.
Apparently the dwarf had gotten all his gold and stuff from the prince. Now the second guy looks like the first guy
which was maybe because they were twin princes. Both had been turned into bears and had helped the girls. Well
maybe not but what do I care. It makes for a better story since both girls could now get married to the twin princes
and have twin weddings and take their widow mom who sort of liked the widower king anyway so maybe it was a
triple wedding. Why bother with the details. After all this is a fairy tale and everyone (except the evil dwarf
enchanter) lived happily ever after.
Moral: Clean shaven is best. Beards can get caught in the oddest of cracks as the Fairy ‘Nuff once said.
AlOmega