by Erotickynk

I am very aware of my full belly as Kevin tightens the nylon zap straps around my wrists behind my back. Laura was sweet tonight to sit with me and nervously drink her coke while I binged on spaghetti at the all-you-can eat pasta bar at Mario's. I know that I am going to purge most of it up once things get going here, but that's all part of the plan.

I'm already feeling too warm dressed as I am. Here I am fully dressed while the boys are stripping the other girls naked and will soon be playing with them to get them horny and ready.

Fuck my life.

I'm avoiding making eye contact with anyone in this basement - tonight is for me and I want to keep it that way. Tonight is for me to finish something that should have been finished when I was much younger. I should have died back then and for much of the time since I've wished I had.

He holds the straight razor against my flesh and tells me he will slit my throat if I tell. He lets me leave with a body still alive to feel shame and self-loathing but a soul that is already dead.

Kevin is done and my hands feel swollen already and I can feel the faint throbbing of my blood pumping through the constricted veins in my wrists. He made them tight so there is no way I can wriggle out of them because I know I'll try at the end and I know my skin will be slippery with sweat by then because I sweat like a pig so easily. Plus things will have gotten pretty rough by then and I don't know how badly I'll react.

My stomach complains as I struggle to ease myself down on one knee then settle onto both knees. I have to work at positioning my knees so there's no debris under them and I make sure they are wide apart so I am stable and it eases the pressure on my full belly. I'll give myself that small pleasure tonight. But most of all spreading my legs like this makes me feel like the slut I want to feel like tonight.

And I am a slut - a horrible disgusting slut who doesn't deserve to live even though the only cock that's ever been inside me was forced into me so many years ago.

So many years ago but I still feel it like it's still there - filling my mouth, my throat, filling me with cum - and fingers that probed and ...

No, let's not go there yet.

Like I said - Fuck my life.

When I sit back on my heels with my knees spread apart, I feel the plump lips of my cunt part and the cuts I made on my inner thighs last night split open again. I like the feeling of the cuts - it calms me and reminds me that I am in control. They are one reason why I wore my thick black leggings under my plaid skirt today - so the blood won't show. And so my wetness won't show. I know I'm going to be wet. Conversely I wore my white long-sleeved blouse with the ruffled bib so the blood does show. I want to leave a hideous mess of a corpse behind.

Kevin moves around in front of me and unzips his jeans and tugs them and his boxers down so his crotch is bare. His cock is long and starting to swell - I know he is excited to be part of all this. It's been a fantasy for him for years and I am a little pleased to be able to give him that pleasure in exchange for him doing what I need him to do. He's been a good friend. In fact everyone in this room have been good friends for me. I'm the only useless piece of shit here - the one no one ever comes to for comfort because I act like I don't care about anyone but myself. But I do care about people, I care about them so much it hurts but I just can't show it. I can't get that close to anyone - I never feel safe.

"Closer." I say softly to Kevin and I get the irony as I say it. I know he is being careful with me because of my no touching rule, but he shuffles a step closer and I am able to lean forward to reach him with my mouth ...

I feel the flutter of excitement in my stomach as I open my mouth and gently wrap my lips around the head of his circumcised cock ... it is like a soft kiss at first. I find I like the dry velvety softness of it. I inhale deeply through my nose and smell the muskiness of his crotch and the memory floods back of HIS cock and the smell of HIS crotch. I feel the sexual tug in the lowest parts of my belly.

I part my lips and wet my tongue and slide it out and under his cock, cradling it, licking around the end of it, wetting it, and feeling it swelling as I do. I want to suck it before it gets hard, so I lean forward and wrap my lips around it once more and suck, pulling it into my mouth, my lips sliding down its length until it sits comfortably on my tongue. I rock back and forth slowly and suck it back in a few times, moving my upper torso and closing my eyes and just experiencing it swelling and growing firmer in my mouth.

It started as a game and I love games and I think I am in love with him. But the game has become very uncomfortable and scary as he holds my head in one strong hand and forces my face down into his bare crotch, guiding his cock into my small mouth. 'If you bite I'll cut you bad' he says and I believe him. His crotch smells like a wet dog and his cock is too big and suddenly my eyes are watering and I am choking and gagging - and his fingers - oh, his fucking fingers ...

Kevin's cock is rock hard now and when I pull back and sit back on my heels, letting it slip from my lips. It stays upright and is twitching a little. I like that I can do that to him. Make him horny and hard. I part my lips and move forward again and extend my tongue, using it to guide his cock past my lips and letting it fill my mouth Then I lean forward more and I feel the head at the back of my tongue ... am I ready for this? I feel the trembling start in my body and I know that it is time - Ready or not. I don't have to worry about doing this fast, the other girls have said that I can use their boys if I need to and that is a comfort.

I press my tongue out under his cock as far as I can, feeling it slide over my lower teeth and by doing that I feel my throat open. The fear is in me now, and I can feel myself start to sweat and feel that hot wet tug deep in my crotch - I breathe through my nose and my diaphragm is shuddering, making my air chatter in my throat. I lean forward and I feel his cock slip deeper, blocking my throat now. Then it slides even deeper and I choke and gag ... my body is struggling against this so I pull back a little and take another shuddering breath. Then once more to get this started, I lean forward, committing all my weight to shift toward him and his cock slides deep down my throat and my nose presses hard against his pubis. I slowly roll my head from side to side, feeling his cock twist in my throat. My mouth is watering crazy now. I squeeze my eyes shut and gag hard, my stomach tightening and threatening. I pull back and my stomach heaves but nothing comes up. I swallow and open my mouth again and lean forward ... he slides deep again and again I gag and feel my cheeks plump around his cock - it is only air as I burp, but the feelings inside my body are starting to awaken. I can feel my sweat now soaking my leggings and my blouse where it is tight against my breasts. I wear no bra tonight. Tonight I want no distractions.

The binge eating started a few months after he moved away, and in another year I was bingeing and purging. I would stuff myself to quell the dark hollow feelings inside me then purge it all back up because I am a disgusting pig. The cutting started later and with that came feelings of control and numbness at last.

I am moving my upper torso back and forth in a slow easy rocking motion, getting into the groove of Kevin's cock sliding up and down my throat. My stomach is churning and tightening in time to my rhythm and I can feel spit and mucus slithering up and down my gullet as it heaves and threatens. Despite wanting to live in my own small world tonight I am becoming aware of sounds from the other girls; Jackie's moans and her plea for more lube on the shaft that Daniel is no doubt fucking her with by now; Cassandra's panting and groaning as G-Dog works her; and Laura's outcry and whimpering tells me that Zee has penetrated her belly with his knife. Our grim little basement world is turning into an orgy of ritualistic sexual death and knowing I am part of it sends shivers up my sides despite my sweating body and makes my sex throb inside me. I feel the first oozing of wetness messing the crotch of my leggings.

I am getting close ... so close to where I need to be. I can feel my body creeping to the edge of it ... so close. I am shaking now, reaching for it. I feel my belly muscles do that weird inside out curl feeling as my stomach gets ready for its first convulsion. I feel my chin pull down, my lips curling on their own and the tingling starts under my tongue as I shift my weight and pull myself back, resting hard on my booted heels, Kevin's cock slithering up out of my throat - a long gooey string of clear mucus clings to my lower lip and the underside of his cock. I lower my face and my mouth opens on its own ...

"... urrlphhh ..." and I vomit a gout of undigested spaghetti and I feel it spatter on my plaid skirt between my open thighs. I cough and spit and make the mistake of glancing over to my left - despite a knife embedded in her soft belly, Laura is watching me with desperate eyes and so is Cassandra behind her. I feel my cheeks burn in shame. But it's just as well that I am finally revealed to them as the disgusting pig that I really am. As I turn my gaze back to Kevin's cock and lean forward and take him into my mouth once more, out of the corner of my eye I see Laura squirm and tense and hear her cry out again as Zee presses his knife deeper into her gut - I shiver as I feel for her, poor thing. But this is what she said she wanted so I push her out of my mind as I lean into Kevin once more and once more take him deep into my throat. I feel the quivering of my stomach start again, stronger this time. And stronger too are the feelings growing in my core, running from my sex upward. Disgusted with myself that those two sensations are forever linked in me. But at the same time unable to resist playing at them both. In this moment I regret making Kevin cinch my wrists together behind my back, but I know that if they were free I would be bringing myself to orgasm right now and that is not the plan at all.

The purge becomes the purpose for my bingeing after a time. And I reach that pivotal day when - as I kneel on the bathroom floor and lean over the toilet and let my stomach slip out of my control - I feel the sexual tug deep in my sex. As I puke, I slide my hand under the waistband of my pajamas and my fingers find my wetness and I slide two fingers inside - frigging myself to a slimy slickness. Just like he did.

It doesn't take long before that is part of the ritual and cumming and puking blur together for me. And each time I remember his fingers ...

I am rocking back and forth - faster now - all of my attention on the sensations of Kevin's cock sliding tight in my throat. I can feel the slickness in the crotch of my leggings and I know that if I peeled them off they would be slimy and wet with the milky secretions from inside me. My clit is hard now - I can feel it moving through that slime, rubbing against the fabric of my leggings and it feels as rough as sandpaper to that tender bud of pink flesh.

His fingers ... oh God, his fingers. His cock in my throat, working me ... letting me up for air every once in awhile ... letting my head hang down between his thighs as I puke into the basin he put there, knowing I would be sick from it and while I am still gagging, pulling me up by my hair and pushing my mouth down on his cock once more ... and his thick fingers squirming and wriggling inside me as he tells me I'm such a dirty girl ...

Sweet Jesus I am close now. So close to that magic zone that is almost Zen and almost perfect in its intensity. I pray that the universe grants me this one final pleasure - to let this happen the way I want it to happen - To be able to feel what I want to feel with my hands bound - for my body to spasm naturally as it sometimes does. I am just leaning into Kevin now, over-balanced with all my weight forward. Kevin can't help himself I know and even though he is breaking my rules, I am accepting it - I'm accepting it because it feels so good and it is getting me where I need to be. His left hand is entangled in my hair and his fingers are curled behind my neck and he is being gentle. He is thrusting into my throat now and is pulling my head forward with each thrust, really pressing his cock deep. I know he is close to cumming and I am desperate for him to cum in my throat.

Bulimia ... They have a name for what I do. But what the shrinks don't know about me is the sexual part. They don't know that I masturbate when I purge. And they don't know that sometimes I torture my throat and hold back until my entire body is shuddering and shaking inside and out before I finally release the purge and just doing that makes me cum.

But Bulimia isn't all fun. It's hard on my body. Like for the past two years I've had to sleep on my back, propped up with pillows because food will no longer stay in my stomach on it's own. There's a little valve down there that gets dislodged in girls who vomit a lot. Even if I bend down sometimes I feel my food sliding up my throat.

Fuck my life.

I can smell blood and the strong musk from my own sweaty body and the sharp tang from Laura's armpits. The basement feels warm and humid like the girls' locker room after gym class - the mixed scents of armpits, sweaty cunt, and blood.

And Kevin has pulled my face tight to his crotch and is groaning and suddenly he shudders and starts to cum. That he is gripping my hair and pulling my face tight to him as he humps his pelvis is working for me - I am overwhelmed by the sensations of him fucking my throat and I feel ropes of his cum jet into my gullet and I am swallowing and swallowing and swallowing ... fighting to keep it together, fighting to not let my stomach go and release. But my stomach curls and my shoulders hunch forward and he lets go of me and steps back quickly and I puke hard, another rush of my last supper propelled from my belly to gurgle out of my mouth onto my lap, making my skirt a disgusting mess and I can feel the wet weight of it against my open thighs and watch through tear blurred eyes as it flows down onto the brick floor. I groan and swallow hard, holding most of it back, not wanting to let it all go - because if I do ... if I empty myself then what I am desperate for won't happen and all that will be left is death.

"Are you needing someone else now, Val?" I hear Zee's voice and Laura's pathetic whimper and her shaky breathing. I shake my head and try to say "no" but all that happens is I puke more and it sprays around me from my wet lips. I cough and choke, tendrils of puke hanging from my lower lip.

"... no ..." I manage, feeling myself on that sweet edge, knowing I won't need much to tip me over into the Zen state of what passes for bliss in my miserable life. "I'm ready" I gasp to Kevin, desperate not to lose this feeling right now.

"Now?" I hear his surprised voice.

"Yes!" I cry out, terrified that I might lose it ... that this will all be for nothing. Then I am sorry I yelled at him; "... hurry, please ..." I say so softly that I know only he hears and I hate that it sounds like I'm about to cry.

And he recovers and I feel him swiftly move behind me. As I wait these few seconds with my head hanging down, holding myself together until Kevin can do the deed, I peek up through my hair hanging around my face and see that Laura's lower gut is open and jagged and bloody and she is shaking badly, but she is still pressing her belly upward to meet Zee's knife. Good for you, Laura - I hope it's everything you imagined it would be.

And I hear Kevin's wakizashi sing as he pulls it from its scabbard and feel him gather a handful of my hair on the back of my head. He presses a knee firmly into my back and pulls back hard on my hair, arching my back and pulling up my chin and stretching my throat. I want more ...

"Harder!" I cry out and grit my teeth. He pulls my head back harder and presses deeper with his knee. I feel my own knees lift from the floor and they squeeze together as he angles me back into this vulnerable position.

"Ngha!" I grunt and my mouth opens from the force he is using.

His fingers work me internally as his cock slides in and out of my throat ... his slick slippery fingers - they are so thick and strong and I will curse him for eternity for what happens next ... He may be a pig, but he knows what he is doing, because as I swallow his cock, he gives me my first orgasm ... I squirm, my slight body against his thigh, cumming and gagging and he cums in my throat and when it is done I find I have my arms wrapped around his waist and I am clinging to him and shaking as I puke everything up into the basin below us ...

I hate him.

I hate me.

Kevin and I have become authorities on the structure of the neck and throat. He knows just where to lay his razor sharp blade and how deep to cut. Cutting the jugular vein and not the carotid artery will keep blood flowing to my brain ... for a few moments at least .. until I bleed out.

"Do it!" I cry out - desperate - needing this to happen before the intense feeling is gone from my body. I feel the cold steel press into the soft skin of my throat. There is a flash of cold heat across my throat and I feel it open and blood is suddenly spurting from my new wound and my mouth. I try to cry out but I am trapped in a wet silence.

And in this instant - this horrible instant that stretches on for a long regretful time - I believe that I have made a terrible mistake. I don't want to die. I want to live. I want to turn away from the sickness inside me ... I want to live and graduate and love and be loved ... But now I am lost. I know I cannot be saved and the cold fear flashes in my bowels and all my sexual feelings are gone and I am left with a half bloated belly and a cut throat and I will die in this basement, the first of four ...

Kevin lets me go and pulls back his knee and I fall forward, my knees coming down together and I almost fall over but I scramble and open my thighs wide so I am stable once more. I can feel the blood soaking the bib of my white blouse and lower my head to look - my clothing is covered in puke and blood now.

Fuck my li ...

Then I feel it - it all rushes back and then some. Kevin has cut right across the area of my throat where my gag reflex lives. And I can feel the blood flowing into my throat now that my head is down and applying pressure on my deep wound. I work my tongue as my belly starts to quiver inside and the wet tug deep in my sex reawakens - or maybe it was always there and the shock of the cut distracted me for a few seconds. But the sweet tightening in my belly has started as I swallow blood and I can feel it flowing hot and thick from my lower lip. My belly curls and pulls me down and I lean forward and I feel the sudden violent flow up my throat - the texture of it fluttering against the raw cut in my gullet - and I vomit onto my skirt again and now it is mixed with blood and as I stare down at myself I feel my orgasm kick in and I lose it ... I am falling and squirming at the same time and I land hard.

My body is twisting and squirming on the brick floor and my legs are spasming and kicking as I orgasm hard ... puke hard - I can hear the clattering of the heels of my boots as my legs kick and hammer the bricks. I feel my belly muscles clench and spasm and jerk and the bliss is in me so strong I think that alone will kill me. It feels like there is an unbearable tightness inside me from the depths of my sex through my core and right up my throat to the root of my tongue. I am choking and gagging and puking and my body is twisting and spasming like it never has before. Vomit and blood are spraying from my quivering lips in pulses as my stomach convulses and my contortions are moving my torso on the floor. I can feel that I am squirming in a puddle of the fluids from inside me - The side of my face sliding through the puddle and I can feel that my hair is wet, matted and heavy with my regurgitated spaghetti and blood. My white blouse is a bloody mess and I can feel my leggings growing heavy and wet as i piss myself. And still my orgasm rages inside me.

My craving for breath is strong now but I know that is an impossibility. But still, I close my throat and swallow and swallow and swallow and I feel the blood gurgling there and I feel that sweet blissful tension between my sex and my throat growing tighter and stronger. And as I continue to cum I feel myself being purified by this experience ...

HIS fingers are no longer inside me, HIS cock no longer in my throat.

... I have reclaimed my sexuality from the memory of him and doing this has set me free. I feel my orgasm peak and my body convulses its last. My orgasm tapers away in its intensity. My body still feels good though and I don't want to lose this feeling. I don't want death to come to me without some goodness within me, so I force my chin up, lifting it as high as I can, feeling my throat stretch and open, feeling the pulsing of blood unimpeded now.

The pumping slows, grows weaker. I feel my heart flutter and feel the blood I have swallowed flowing back up out of me. I stare at nothing as I feel my heart trying hard to pump what is no longer available to it.

I am warm and feeling a gentleness that I find so sweet and so comforting. And my body still feels good, and keeps feeling good right until the end.