As I walk through the door and call out to Cassie; "I'm home!" I'm hoping she won't be mad that I pigged out at the Dairy Queen without her. Shawna was working and she was always good for a sundae or a banana split and today I got both, plus a big 7-Up. The thing is, Shawna likes me but hates Cassie.
In my foster family you have to take whatever food you can get because there's never a guarantee our drunken foster mom will actually miracle her ass into the kitchen and make dinner. Hell, it's a miracle if there's food in the house, let alone ice cream and soda.
Cassie doesn't answer, which is weird because the front door was unlocked and I can see her backpack on the floor by the stairs, so I know she's home from school. I start thinking that maybe she went back out when I hear the toilet lid upstairs clatter like someone dropped it.
I run up the stairs, yelling "Caaaasssssiiiieeeee, answer meeeeeeeee" hoping it will make her smile. Her smiles are rare. They're rare for both of us - there's not a lot to smile about in our shitty lives. We're not really sisters, we're foster sisters, but we love each other like real sisters.
But she's not in our bedroom, so I dump my bag on my bed and head down the hall to the bathroom. The door is ajar, so I push it open slowly ..."You peeing?" I ask as I slide inside.
The first thing I see are her feet. She's still wearing her jeans and sneakers and her toes are pointed at the floor. She's naked from the waist up and her nipples are puckered and tight. Her thighs are quivering and her hips are doing this kind of obscene slow motion humping motion. I look up and see the nylon strap tight around her throat and it's tied around the pipe that runs across the ceiling. Her mouth is open and her tongue is working like she's gagging, and I guess she is.
I rush toward her and as I do I see the lipstick message scrawled on the cracked bathroom mirror.
Carrie - Do NOT cut me down!
I feel the cold rush flood through my bowels when I read it. She's doing it. She's really doing it and we swore to each other that if either ever did, the other wouldn't stop her.
"... fuck ..." it kind of knocks the wind out of me.
I back up until my butt hits the wall and my knees kind of give out and I slide down until I'm sitting on the floor. The sound of the toilet seat clattering must have been her stepping off of it or maybe kicking it as she started hanging. I take a deep breath and look up to watch her die.
Her eyes are closed and her mouth open, her tongue working like she's trying to get something out of her throat. Her belly is plumped out like she ate too much and like I said before, her hips are kind of humping the air really slowly like she's trying to rub her crotch on something that isn't there. Every few seconds her body kind of shudders and her feet kick a bit. I can hear wet sounds coming from her throat, and an odd sound coming from her belly - like the gurgling sound your stomach makes when you have diarrhea - but it's different, this is more rhythmic. As I watch, she raises her shaking hands and fumbles on her chest until she gets her nipples between her thumbs and forefingers and twirls them the way she likes. I get a shiver realizing that she's feeling very sexual as she chokes to death.
I keep watching, wondering what she's really going on for her as her body starts to stiffen. It's like all her muscles are tightening up, and she arches her back and lifts her head to the side. Her eyes open then roll back in her head and she gets this amazing O-face - [like an orgasm face]. Her body starts shaking really bad and she lets go of her nipples and makes little fists in front of her chest - her forearms jerk and spasm. Her hips are really humping now and I see that the crotch of her jeans is darkening. She's peeing herself and I watch the dark wetness spread down her inner thighs. She starts convulsing, her body jerking and spasming and it is hard to watch. It goes on for a long time and I wonder if she's having a seizure but after a few minutes she calms ...
She lowers her head again and her arms drop to her sides and her legs relax. She opens her eyes and stares at the wall but I get the feeling she isn't really seeing anything. I watch as she tucks her thumbs into her palms and her eyelids droop and close.. Her belly sags and her body goes limp, kind of slumping. Her pink tongue is sticking out a bit between her lips that have a bluish tint.
My tears come. And I feel so ashamed because one of my first thoughts is that now I'm all alone. I don't know how long I sit and cry.
I finally wipe my eyes and blow my nose on the sleeve of my hoodie and stand up. I don't want to look at her.
I look at the mirror again and I see the note under it - it's a folded sheet of lined paper with my name on it. I pick it up and take it to our bedroom and sit on the bed to read it ...
"I'm sorry, Carrie. I wanted to wait for you, but I didn't want you to try and talk me out of it. You're a good sister, so I know you would try. And I'm sorry I put you through this, but my plan was to wait until you were home because I didn't want to die alone. I love you for being here for me - I know it probably didn't seem like I noticed you, but I've been through this before and believe me - I knew you were there.
"We've talked about doing this for so long ... just talked and talked and talked. It seemed whenever I wanted to, you didn't and when you did, I didn't. I couldn't wait anymore. I want this, Carrie ... I want it so bad.
"I never told you the whole story, but that time I told you that I tried to kill myself at Brad's place when I ran away that time? Well, I hanged myself in his basement. He found me and cut me down. I wish he hadn't.
"I'm telling you this, because in case you're serious about it - it's a pretty good way to go. Before Brad cut me down I swear Carrie, I was in total bliss - there's something that happens inside when you hang that's fucking amazing. It hurts at first when the rope tightens - it feels like it's crushing your throat [and I guess it is], but after a few seconds ... well, I don't want to gross you out with details, but it's amazing what happens inside your body - the feelings are so intense and so ... sexual. I already thought I was dead and was happy about that when Brad cut me down and got me breathing again. I was so mad at him.
"Anyway. I love you so much and I hope I see you in heaven. And if you want to join me, there's another strap.
"All my love to my dear sweet sister, Cassie."
I sit for a long time, reading and re-reading her note.
We had talked about it so many times, knowing our lives were shit. Knowing that men abused us - used us for sex when we were little. Knowing our foster mom was a drunk. Knowing our clothes came from the thrift store and were never very clean.
And we knew that our lives would be shit forever - we were FOSTER KIDS and no one wanted their kids hanging out with our kind.
I fold the letter and put it in my jean pocket and go back to the bathroom. I go to Cassie's body and wrap my arms around her hips and hug her tight. I can smell her pee, her underarm sweat, and that girl-crotch smell we get, but those things smell good to me because they are hers.
I look up and I see the other strap - she's already tied it off for me on the pipe and there's a loop in the other end.
I climb up onto the toilet seat and handle the strap. I realize she got them out of the garage - they're the strap part of the old tie-down thingies for our foster dad's pick-up truck.
Standing up here, I'm almost on the same level as Cassie now. Her back is to me, so I stroke her hair.
Poor sweet Cassie, she deserved a better life. I guess I did too. Maybe we get a do-over.
I look back up at the loop in the strap, and without really thinking much I pull it over my head. I have to rise up on my tip-toes to get it under my chin and it fits pretty snug when I lower my heels back down flat. To keep from choking, I have to hold my chin up high. I wonder if Cassie had to do that too.
I think about getting back up on my tip-toes and pulling it off. Then I wonder if I should, or if I should leave a note like Cassie did. Then I think; Who the fuck am I going to leave a note for?
Her words keep running through my mind as I stand here with this strap so tight around my throat; "I swear Cassie, I was in total bliss - there's something that happens inside when you hang that's pretty amazing".
What the fuck ...
I inch my feet to the edge of the toilet seat and let them slide off.
"glurk" I make this wet gagging sound and holy shit does it get tight fast. And Cassie was right - it does hurt. It hurts a lot - it feels like my throat is being crushed and the blood is pounding in my face. I kick a little bit as I panic but all that does it turn me so I'm facing Cassie's left side - my lower belly is pressed against her hip, her hair is in my face, in my mouth.
I'm working my jaw and I can feel the pressure in the back of my throat - it feels like a foreign object is stuck down my gullet, choking me. I'm trying to draw air and I lift my hands to claw at the strap - but it's so fucking tight there's no way I can loosen it. I try anyway and it is pointless.
And all of a sudden things start to change ...
I start to feel things ...
First, the strap squeezing my throat and pushing the root of my tongue up into the back of my throat starts to feel ... I don't know how to describe it ... it's like giving head to a boy - I mean really throating him deep. It feels good - sexy, wanton, slutty - it's very sexual and feels like a whole fresh way to be penetrated; like my throat is being fucked by a thick wet cock. I feel my gullet working below the strap and my stomach is quivering inside me - it's an exciting feeling and I love it.
I feel my bowels waking up and start to roll inside me - it starts slow and grows fast in intensity. We learned about it in biology, it's called peristalsis and we all feel it every day, but this is intense. It feels like living snakes waking up inside me all squirming and writhing and trying to get out.
And I soon learn what the gurgling I heard Cassie making was ...
As my throat is crushed and stretched, it is making me gag - it's squeezing down on the spot in my throat where I rub with my finger when I want to make myself throw up. I feel my stomach bloating like it does just before I puke. My stomach quickly goes from quivering to tingling and now it feels like it's swelling inside me and my mouth starts to water like crazy and I know I'm going to puke. And when it happens it is wild and violent - I feel my stomach convulse then feel and hear all my ice cream and 7-Up gurgling up my gullet like a volcano erupting but it can't come out. I grimace as the liquid pressure builds in my gullet then I feel it gurgle back down and my stomach heaves up again hard, squishing liquids up and down. And it cycles, up-and-down, up-and-down, up-and-down, my stomach going wild trying to empty itself past my constricted throat.
And it feels good. I never thought throwing up feelings could be this sexual but they are.
Fuck, it feels so intense and so good to lose control like this. It feels ... sexy in a raw animal kind of way. And that feeling spreads ...
Shiver-bumps tingle across my belly and up across my breasts, and I feel my nipples puckering and rubbing against my t-shirt. And the shiver-bumps spread down and over my bum and my thighs and I feel building pleasure in my crotch.
My sex feels like it's swelling. Swelling inside. And I feel myself oozing and my clit starts to throb, so I hump my pelvis and my crotch rubs against Cassie's hip. I reach out and wrap my arms around her - the skin of her upper body is soft and still warm. My right hand closes over her right breast and I feel that her nipple is soft again. It's creepy, but it feels good touching her like this and so I cling to her body and squeeze her breast and hump my crotch against her firm hip.
This is so obscene but it feels so good.
Oh fuck ... I'm going to cum.
Cassie was right ... these feelings are amazing. I am losing control of my body; My stomach heaves in rolling convulsions; My bowels are rumbling and rolling inside me. My hands and arms are starting to shake bad and after a few more seconds I lose my grip on her breast and let her go.
I'm starting to feel dizzy - like I'm floating in the air. I can still feel Cassie's body against mine - her long hair is stuck to my sweaty face - even though I can't breathe, I can still smell her body and I can smell my own fear sweat coming from my armpits. But I'm feeling distant - like reality is slipping away.
Oh fuck ... I'm dying.
But the feelings are getting stronger, the actions inside my belly getting more violent and intense. Fuck ... my cunt is throbbing ... I'm going to cum ... I know I'm going to cum. I'm right on the edge ... I want a cock inside me right now so bad ... my nipples are tingling like they have electrodes clamped on them.
I realize I'm humping Cassie's hip hard now ... my actions jerky and spastic ... but it feels so good ... so good ... so fucking good ... thrusting my crotch forward, feeling the weight of her body against mine, tasting her hair in my open mouth - stuck to my tongue that is protruding past my parted lips.
I'm getting wilder now ... I can feel it ... thrusting my crotch so violently that Cassie's body is swinging away then back, thudding sweetly against my mound.
It feels like hours, but I know it's only seconds ... and deep in my mind I am happy that I know how Cassie died ... that she felt this as she was dying.
Oh fuck ...
Feelings are changing again ... I didn't believe it could become more intense but it is ... I feel all my muscles start to tighten ... my thighs squeeze tight together ... I feel my ankles cross and lock together, my toes pointing inward ... my forearms raise up on their own and my hands clench in fists and jerk and spasm.
I know now why Cassie did these things ... clenched ... arched her back ... raised her head to the side - to stretch it up beside the strap at the back of her head as her mouth opened wider and her eyes rolled back in her head, because I am doing the same ... my back arches tight, stretching my belly, making it long and tight ... my thighs are quivering ... my bum muscles tight and shaking.
Cumming like I've never come before.
This is more than an orgasm ... this is total ecstasy ... every cell in my body is flooded with orgasmic bliss ... every muscle in my body is quivering and is clenched so tight ... if this is dying it is the sweetest reward.
I fear it will never stop.
I fear that it will.
I feel my body convulsing ... I feel my bladder release in a fluttering gush, spraying inside my panties and flooding my jeans to soak down my inner thighs ... my cunt, my anus are clenched tight ... and my belly ... oh-dear-god ... my belly is so alive and so active and the feelings are so intensely sweet that it almost feels like pain.
The spasms slow ... the feelings lessen in intensity, but remain feeling so good ... I feel my body relaxing by degrees ... I feel so weak ... I feel my ankles uncross and my legs hang heavy under me ... my fists open and my arms flop down my sides, my loose hands laying against my thighs ... my head sags forward ... I feel warm and fulfilled and so sweetly sleepy.
I open my eyes and my vision is dim ... I hear a voice from in the hall ... foster mom ... I can't understand what she's saying.
Cassie takes up most of what little vision I have left, but I catch a shadow moving at the doorway out of the corner of my eye .. I should look that way to see if she's there, but I don't care ... I just don't care ... I'm content ... sated ... spent ... warm in the afterglow of ecstasy ... and so happy that my body is pressed against Cassie's ... I wish I had stripped off my clothes so I could feel her skin on mine.
"Oh, dear god!"
Even though they sound distant and muffled, I understand these words ... I know she has seen us ... please leave us alone ... please ... I can't live past this ... living would be a hollow experience after this ... living would be torture after this and I know that like Cassie I would only be biding my time until I could do this again and finish it.
... please don't cut me down ...
... please ...
... don't ...