Posted by Sawney Beane on October 12, 2006 at 23:31:00:
The Collected Works of Sawney Beane: Volume #83
MCDONNER'S
by Sawney Beane
25 November 2001
836 words
DISTRIBUTION NOTICE and DISCLAIMER: Sawney Beane requests that any distribution of this work of fiction remain within the realm of social responsibility. This story is suitable neither for minors nor for the seeming majority of adults who have difficulty distinguishing fantasy from reality. It is pure fantasy, which means that, for whatever reason, someone has found it interesting to think about the events depicted herein. It does not in any way mean that the author would like to see this fantasy become reality, so if you are the type of person who might be swayed into doing something irrational by reading a work of fiction, the author respectfully requests that you decline to read further.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Sawney Beane, originally a native of Edinburgh, lived for twenty-five years in a cave on the coast of County Galloway, subsisting on the flesh of unfortunate travellers, roughly a thousand of them all told. He and his wife raised a large family of eight sons, six daughters, eighteen grandsons, and fourteen granddaughters. Eventually, the family was captured, and the whole lot was brutally and unjustifiably tortured and executed without trial. Since his death in the early 17th century, Beane has reformed his ways and now confines his atrocities to his literary endeavours.
WARNING: This story contains scenes of snuff and androphagia concerning a consenting male entree. If you find such things offensive, please steer clear; you have been warned.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Well, I don't really have an excuse for this one. Another quickie actually, but somehow the idea of fast food just popped up. In the Tasty Kate's world, something like this was bound to happen sooner or later.
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"We're down to the last crate of burgers!" shouted the store manager. "Better get some more going before the dinner rush starts."
"Take Heidi," called Jack from the front counter, "she's not doin' too much up here."
The busty blonde cashier next to Jack paused for a moment to smack him upside his head with a plastic tray. Jack looked stunned, but he'd been taunting his lovely co-worker all afternoon, and he really deserved it. Anyway, he wasn't really injured.
"Can it, Jack," shouted the manager. "Leave her alone; you know she's not on deck."
"Sorry, Marv," replied the chastened cashier. "It's jus' that she looks good enough to eat."
Heidi smiled a little bit self-consciously. She enjoyed the compliment, but it did make her a bit nervous in a place like this.
McDonner's Restaurants, home of the fastest cannibal meal in town, not to mention the most expensive burger on the planet, owed a lot to advertising. It didn't matter that not all of their advertising was entirely straightforward and honest.
For instance, McDonner's proclaimed that all their meals were supplied by their employees. The implied corollary was that all of McDonner's employees were future meals. This was, of course, entirely false. McDonner's stocked its front counter and drive through windows generously with attractive college women in short cutoff jeans and bikini tops. The aforementioned Heidi was one of these. Customers tended to imagine that these lovely lasses were more or less representative of the meals they served. This was a pleasant but entirely misinformed assumption.
The truth was obvious to anyone who thought about it a little bit or who read the fine print on McDonner's advertisements. The beautiful counter girls would all have rated at least a Grade B if and when they ever chose to give their bodies over for culinary purposes. In fact, very few of them ever did make that choice. Most finished college and went on to become middle aged housewives or career women.
On the contrary, the meat used by McDonner's restaurants was strictly Grade D. Also, contrary to popular belief, about 80% of the meat on McDonner's menu was formerly male. Still, Heidi's presence enhanced the illusion of quality McDonner's was so good at portraying. She was also a good cashier.
Although McDonner's meals came from employees, they were, without exception, from employees who had worked only a week or so in the actual restaurant and who had spent most of their time moving boxes around in the basement stockrooms.
"Liz!" called the manager. "Go to work."
Liz had a very special job at McDonner's. It wasn't particularly difficult and it paid better than anyone else in the store, including the manager. Still, it required a special kind of person to pull it off.
She emerged from the basement with Tom in tow. Tom was, naturally, a voluntary employee of McDonner's, be he had also been rather heavily drugged to help him get through this most challenging part of his duties. His hair, both on his head and on the rest of his body had been sheared down to less than a quarter inch long.
Liz led him over to the counter and pushed his head down onto the wooden block. Without hesitation she slammed a meat cleaver through his neck. He made barely a sound as his life ended quickly. Liz placed the detached head aside and drained the blood into a plastic bucket. Tom's blood would become a prime ingredient in McDonner's world famous Vampire Milk Shakes.
While the body was draining, Liz plucked out Tom's eyeballs and tossed the rest of his head into the big machine. Then she skilfully sliced open the torso and removed the internal organs. These ended up in a big plastic tray. When she had more time, Liz would prepare another big batch of McTripe. Liz removed another few pieces from the body for particular specialty menu items.
Finally, Liz fed the gutted corpse feet first into the big grinding machine. Once Tom's remains were all in, she set the machine for a 30 minute grind to make sure all of his bones would be completely pulverized.
The machine was more or less automatic from here on out. Once Tom had been thoroughly converted into humanburger, he would be extruded and formed into half-pound patties, which would be placed in racks for easy grilling by Bob the veteran chef.
Liz sighed and returned to the basement to take a well-deserved rest and then get the next one ready for the grinder. With the dinner rush, Tom wouldn't last very long. Liz hadn't decided whether Ellen or Donald would be the next to go, but it didn't really matter all that much one way or another.
Heidi and Jack continued to sell the last few humanburgers from Albert until Bob began sending Tom's offerings across the counter. The billboard signs in front of over 200 McDonner's restaurants across the nation automatically added one to their tally, now reading "5,110,932 served".