Posted by Sawney Beane on July 15, 2006 at 02:32:10:
The Collected Works of Sawney Beane: Volume #39
FIRST ANNIVERSARY
by Sawney Beane
6 November 1996
850 words
DISTRIBUTION NOTICE and DISCLAIMER: Sawney Beane requests that any distribution of this work of fiction remain within the realm of social responsibility. This story is suitable neither for minors nor for the seeming majority of adults who have difficulty distinguishing fantasy from reality. It is pure fantasy, which means that, for whatever reason, someone has found it interesting to think about the events depicted herein. It does not in any way mean that the author would like to see this fantasy become reality, so if you are the type of person who might be swayed into doing something irrational by reading a work of fiction, the author respectfully requests that you decline to read further.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Sawney Beane, originally a native of Edinburgh, lived for twenty-five years in a cave on the coast of County Galloway, subsisting on the flesh of unfortunate travellers, roughly a thousand of them all told. He and his wife raised a large family of eight sons, six daughters, eighteen grandsons, and fourteen granddaughters. Eventually, the family was captured, and the whole lot was brutally and unjustifiably tortured and executed without trial. Since his death in the early 17th century, Beane has reformed his ways and now confines his atrocities to his literary endeavours.
WARNING: This story contains scenes of snuff and cannibalism concerning a consenting victim. If you find such things offensive, please steer clear; you have been warned.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This all-dialogue story is a conversation between a husband and wife about to celebrate their first anniversary in an unusual way. Short and sweet. It is another of those stories that evolved almost effortlessly from its first line.
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"Would you place your neck on the chopping block for me?"
"If you so wish it."
"I do."
"Then it will be done."
"I knew I could count on you."
"When will we do it?"
"Tonight, at midnight."
"Oh! So soon?"
"Yes, do you wish to withdraw you consent?"
"No, I was just surprised. I didn't realize I had only seven hours left to live."
"One never does."
"True. What exactly will happen tonight. I want to know all of your plans."
"You will. I would not dream of leaving you in the dark."
"I appreciate that."
"Here's the plan. At ten o'clock tonight, you will be waiting for me in the bedroom. I will come in and remove your clothing. Then I will kiss you all over your body before we come together for one last act of lovemaking. It will be the best either of us has ever experienced, and it will last for a full hour. Throughout we will both surrender ourselves to passion, but neither of us will forget that it is going to be our last time together or that you are on the precipice of death.
"At eleven o'clock, we will clean up together in the shower, and you will have to be especially thorough inside and out. This will take quite a while, but before midnight, we will go out back to the old stump together. You will kiss me and kneel before the stump, wrapping your arms around it and resting your chin on the smooth wood with your neck stretched taut. You will wait patiently while I sharpen the axe.
"When I am finished, you will ask me to take your life, and I will raise the axe. I will be swift about it. One strike or perhaps two at most will sever your neck. I will drop the axe and catch your head before it falls to the ground. Then I will hold your lips to mine in one final kiss as the life sputters from you."
"This is very arousing. What will happen to my body?"
"Your head will become a table decoration at first, so I hope that you will die with a smile on your face."
"I'll do my best."
"I know you will. As for the rest, the guests will begin arriving at 12:30, and they will help me to butcher you. We will be very careful to save every last bit of your body. I promise you that not a single milligram of your flesh will be wasted. I will even collect your blood in a clean pail as it flows from your neck on the stump. Then I will mix it in with the champagne at the banquet."
"Who will you invite to the feast?"
"Most of our neighbours have agreed to come. The Bakers, the Joneses, the Smiths, the Millers, the Hellermans, the Whitneys, the Lewises, the Nelsons, and the McCoys will all attend. Counting us, there will be ten couples involved."
"You have already invited all of these people?"
"I had no doubts of your willingness."
"I see. Our neighbours have been looking at me a bit oddly this past week."
"Yes, but you did not suspect?"
"I can not say that I did."
"Good, good. It was meant to be a surprise."
"How will I be prepared for dinner."
"Oh, yes. That is very important. Most of you I will wrap in paper and freeze for my future enjoyment, but I will use the hacksaw to cut both of your thighs just above the knee and just below the hip. We will roast both of your hams in the oven while we prepare the side dishes and butcher the rest of you."
"It sounds like a delicious meal."
"It will be. I expect to dine around 3:00 am, and everyone will be pleased with how succulent your flesh is. They will want to take some of you home for themselves, but I will keep everything except your thighs for myself."
"Have you had this planned since before we were married?"
"Not the details, but I knew something along these lines would happen sooner or later, and so did you."
"Yes, but I did not expect it to be so soon. We have been married only a year."
"Tomorrow is our first anniversary, and this is my gift to you."
"A very good gift. The gifts I bought for you are hidden under the kitchen sink."
"I will look for them tomorrow."
And so everything happened as planned with only a few minor modifications. The decapitation took three strokes rather than the promised two, and the table ornament could not exactly be said to be sporting a smile, although the grimacing mouth did show a slight upturning at the edges.
When dinner was served, Ruth Nelson had to be the first to comment. "Let me be the first to congratulate you, Cathie, your husband is delicious, and I hope there will be enough leftovers for us to take some home."
Cathie Walker smiled proudly as she took another bite of her Rick.