Past Tense


Posted by Rache on July 03, 2001 at 03:59:41:

(f/m,necro,romance)
Past Tense

Fiction by Rachael


Everything was past tense now. Three days ago I'd been happy. But not anymore. This isn't the story of why; there's no reason to go into that, no reason at all. Robert was dead and why has nothing to do with it because there is no use in asking God, He doesn't answer. Believe me, I know. Robert drowned a week before we were to be married. Of course there isn't going to be a wedding now, those plans are past tense. We were going to be married. We were going to have children and have careers and grow old and worry and argue and love and the thousand other things we would never know together now. All past tense.

But not everything is past tense, is it? I had loved him before, but I still do now. I will love him tomorrow and next year and in ten years. Everything else in our lives was finished, except for love. And that is really what this story is about.

I went to the funeral home where Robert was resting. It wasn't a very cheery place I thought, he'd much rather have been outside, near the river he loved so much. His parents should have thought of that, they should have asked me what I thought about it. But they hadn't, they hadn't even wanted to see me especially, locked away in their own private grief as if they alone had loved him. My own family had been a comfort, I depended upon them for so many things but I knew I would have to visit Robert alone. Not because my father or mother or brothers wouldn't have come, but I wanted to be alone with him. I felt like I had to escape my closed and empty room and be with him one last time, alone.

It was early morning, the 2nd day Robert had been laid to rest so that family and friends could see his clean face and sleeping eyes one last time before he was surrendered finally and completely to the past. He would have one more day after this. Three days was not very much, it wasn't the lifetime he had promised me only a few months before. I'd spent the first in silence, sitting in the back and watching as people came and left. Saying very little, crying softly and loudly or not at all, leaving small tokens of remembrance on the table beside him. Flowers, a favorite toy, a baseball cap and Teddy Bear. There were photos of him, strong and bright and full of life. No one spoke to me, his parents shuffled by, in and out as if they couldn't decide to stay or leave, pulled by emotions they'd never felt before in two opposite directions. I reached out, to touch the hem of Robert's mother's black dress, it was like dried leaves in autumn. Death wrapped around her.

It was difficult to sit and keep myself from going to him. I could hear his voice, soft and childlike the way he sounded after the first time we'd made love. Amazed and wondrous. Of course it was only a memory, like a moment lived a thousand times that first day as he slept. I replayed our conversations; all of them even the most trivial like when he'd ask me what kind of ice cream I wanted. But most especially the times he'd held me and told me how beautiful I was, how much he loved me, how he wanted me always to be happy. If his mother had sat down, she would have heard him too. How much more did she have than I? I felt a touch of jealousy and I bit my lip in shame and looked away, Robert's mother had every right to mourn as she needed. I forget sometimes that I am not alone in the world. But not with Robert, he would never let me forget that I was not, that I was with someone and loved. Past tense.

Robert wasn't in a coffin; it was more like a table covered with soft burgundy velvet. It looked better that way, more peaceful and less final. It was so easy to forget that he wasn't merely asleep, waiting for a kiss to bring him awake. From out that bad dream only those who remained were aware of. I was thankful for that, had I been lying there instead I could not have born the pain Robert would have felt. And so I would not let myself feel it either, for him I would be brave and strong and confident in a life beyond this. And I would wander sometimes around the room, seeking his presence like a puppy sniffing the air for her master's scent. I knew he was with me and I knew he would need me one last time.

The following day I was early, waiting for the heavy doors to open. It would be my chance for us to be alone, Robert would have no other visitors for an hour, and perhaps more I was sure. The man who let me in gave me a kind look, but not a word as I made my way to the viewing room. He would leave us alone as well, attending to others and not wishing to intrude. It is the greatest service such people provide, this knowing when they are needed and when they are not. I was grateful and sat quietly as he twice checked the flowers, lighting, and of course Robert before closing the doors behind him as he left.

I walked to Robert and looked down as he slept. How could I bear this parting? The thought rushed suddenly through my mind and I felt weak, all of my resolve to be strong fading. I gripped the table, clutching fistfuls of heavy velvet and leaning forward to bring my lips to his. I kissed Robert's lips softly, feeling them cool and moist. My tongue brushed between them and I wished to feel his mouth once more, to taste him as I had so many times. Robert's lips parted and I felt his teeth, cold and dry as I touched it with my tongue. He wold not open his mouth for me, much as I tried to coax him with my own. I knew there were things he could not do that death had stolen more than anything else the simple pleasures of life. To smile, to kiss, to make love one last time. But we would find a way, I whispered as I unbuttoned my blouse, unzipping my skirt and letting them fall in a puddle of white at my feet. I took off my bra and stepped out of my panties; naked now and wishing he could see me one last time.

I draped myself across his chest, my lips seeking his and I felt the warmth of my body disappearing against the cool, soft material of his suit. My nipples hardened and I felt the stirrings of desire within me, I would never love another I promised. I would give myself one last time to Robert and that would sustain me for eternity. I removed his tie and unbuttoned his shirt, spreading it along with his suit coat like angel wings. I kissed his chest, pressing my head against him. I expected to hear the beating of his heart, in time with mine, marking off the seconds shared. But I heard only the silence of death, like eternity sounds, unmoving. But he was with me even so, his hands guided me to kiss his body, my tongue lapping across his nipples the way he loved. Biting them softly, waiting for the soft moans I loved. I let my hair fall over him like a blanket, across his gentle face so he could smell me. So he could feel the silken strands and taste them and know it was me.

I kissed lower until I reached his belly button, kissing and pushing my tongue inside. He tasted different somehow, not like he did when we were together sweating and tumbling and intertwined in passion. He was clean, antiseptic and cold. But underneath all of that I could tell, I could feel it was Robert and I knew he could feel me as well. My sex was flowing and my breath was ragged, sometimes fast and sometimes slow, stopping as if I'd forgotten how. My hands shook, as did my whole body when I undid his belt and opened his trousers. I lowered his pants and wondered why he was not wearing underwear. The thought struck me as wonderfully funny and I chided him softly. Whispering all the things I was thinking and doing while I slowly stroked his penis.

Robert was not hard, not aroused the way I was. He would be unable to plant his seed within me as he'd done so many times before and I felt the loss inside. My womb suddenly aware of the emptiness and I felt my face flush and tears starting to form. I kissed his manhood, taking him in my mouth and sucking gently, begging him to awaken and take me. I felt the head inside and I licked and touched underneath the way he liked. My lips were tight around the base and I used my hand to carefully massage his scrotum. I felt his balls in my hand and I wondered if life remained, unreleased and unaware of my need.

I continued sucking Robert's cock even as my own hand went between my legs, across my vulva and between my swollen lips. I needed him, Robert's touch and I lifted my mouth long enough to move his arm, placing his hand between my hot thighs. I placed my fingers over his own and guided two fingers inside me. I gasped as I felt the cool penetration and my wetness flooded between his fingers, spilling across my own. I moved my hand and so doing moved my love's, pressing his smooth palm against my clit. I felt his presence surrounding me and knew he wished he were able to do it himself. Moaned softly, stroking his flaccid cock as we massaged my aching sex. I was going to cum; once again as he always had Robert was bringing me to the edge of ecstasy and pushing me into that wonderful abyss.

I moved my hips, working his fingers deeper inside me, feeling the muscles between my legs grip and release with soft spasms of desire. I moved my mouth back to his body, kissing and licking, groaning aloud as a shiver sliced through my being. I took Robert once again in my mouth, sliding my lips up and down the bare handwidth of his penis. I moaned and cried out, my legs giving way so that I almost fell as my first orgasm took me. I held the table and lifted my head, pressing feverishly with my hand against his. My body opened and a flood of passion streamed between my thighs. I closed my eyes, pressing my head to his chest hearing only the rush of blood pounding through my body. I held his fingers inside me, unmoving as the moment faded slowly.

As I caught my breath and kissed Robert's chest and mouth I knew I had to have him inside me, somehow. I pulled his hand away, kissing it and tasting myself on him as I'd done before. Watching his face as I done so many times before. But this time he did not smile and stroke my mouth with his wet fingers, sliding them in and out while I sucked for his pleasure. I carefully climbed so that I could straddle his body, his flaccid penis pressed against my heat as I kissed his eyes and mouth. I reached between us and took him in my hand, guiding the head to my wetness and I shifted slightly, moving and using my thumb to press him inside. I kept him straight and slowly pushed, working Robert's sleeping manhood into its proper place. I shuddered, moaning softly at the contact. Not like I'd felt before, he didn't fill me so completely, his cock did not stretch my labia around him so much as nestle into my wet canal.

I did not move for fear of losing him, I kept him inside and moved my hands to his face. I kissed him, my teeth between his lips running across his teeth. I whispered to him, telling him it was alright that I would have him any way I could, I loved him so much. I felt my clit begging for his touch and my nipples burned against his cool unmoving chest. I moved my hips slightly and felt him moving inside me, threatening to come out. I used my hand to hold him in place so that I could rock gently back and forth. He was making love to me, I could feel it. I closed my eyes and moved my body, slowly, gently, dragging my swollen nipples across him. My hair cascaded like a silk curtain around out faces and I kissed him as we made love.

I was coming close again, my body rolling inside on soft waves growing more urgent with each passing moment. I pressed my sex against his body, trapping his penis inside me while I rocked back and forth. I sat up straight, looking down at him with my hands on his chest, loving him one last time. I reached down to rub my clit, moving my fingers in a small circle faster and faster. I couldn't breath, I couldn't think it was so nice to have him once again. I wanted to feel him deep inside me, filling me with sperm and giving me his life the way we'd dreamt so many times. My body burned and the soft creaking of the table beneath us became louder as I began to move faster, harder. My eyes were closed and sparkling butterflies danced in the darkness, bringing me into the bright light of pleasure. I pulled at my breast, my nipple twisting and making me moan loudly. My senses were flooded and I felt my life open up and pour across Robert's penis, filling me making me cum again and again.

A pair of hands grabbed me then, tearing me away from the moment. Away from Robert, onto the floor. Hurting me, a large man screaming. I could see his lips move and hear his voice, but it made no sense. I tried desperately to reach my love, to grasp Robert's hand where it lay outstretched from the table above, but I couldn't. I felt the weight descending upon me, like a cold dark night and I wondered if I would wake up.

-------------------------

"Her name is Amy Patterson, Mrs. Keyes. Apparently she'd been a patient at the State Hospital for some time, in and out. This isn't the first time she's done this."

Helen Keyes, Robert's mother looked at the police officer. "Not the first time?"

The patrolman looked at Helen, unsure if he knew exactly what to say.

"Not the first time?" She repeated, her eyes confused. "What was she doing? Why wasn't she locked up? What's the matter with you people?"

"Well, ma'am, the girl wasn't in our custody. She'd been released by the hospital and on medication. She was closely supervised, but..." His voice trailed off and he looked uncomfortably away. This was bad, the cop thought to himself, not enough to lose your son but some nut has to molest the body. A shiver went through him, like it did every time he thought about it.

"What did you mean not the first time?" The realization that someone had known this girl was out there, walking around just waiting to do this...this...thing. She was past weeping and forgiveness was coming slowly. But understanding never would.

"Well, twice before Amy has been arrested for causing...uh disturbances like this. She gets it in her head she's the fiancée' of a young man, like Robert. She goes to the funeral home and spends some time staking out the place or whatever until she thinks she can do what she wants. I'm sorry, Mrs. Keyes, but your Robert just happened to be the right age. Luckily your brother came in and was able to detain her for us. Amy won't be going anywhere for a long time and I doubt she'll ever be able do anything like this again."

"Yes. I'm sure that's what they said the last time." Helen said sarcastically, turning away and leaving before the policeman could reply. She had a funeral to go to.

The End.