Posted by Rache on September 23, 2001 at 03:34:37:
Saturday Night In Bellingham This post is long boring and totally ignorable, but I am feeling so good, for the first time in a long time. So we want to be weird and play charades. I've known these people a long time. They started talking about Football and then Footfall and it was funny. But you probably had to be there. I didn't write everything down just 30 minutes out of my life. And now I'm going upstairs to play Jihad. Might not sound funny, but I won't be laughing either. I hope maybe eeeek I didn't do this formatting so it's annoying me too
You sure you want to do this? (much giggling) oh yeah!!
All my rowdy friends are here on Monday Night!
I said LET'S HIT IT!!
It's a showdown between the 5-3-2 Americans and the 6-0 Afghanies (near as we can figure)
We have a really small party, not party, like hang around road trip without the road. I am pretty damn high and so is everyone else. Luckily smoking dope only makes me type better! Really! It does!
Okay, I was Jessica Simpson, sorry you missed my act! It was cute. NOT! I'm just steno girl cause I know jack about football, politics, or anything else. But I type fast.
My friend John, who looks like a black Barney is going to be...Dan Fouts, we think we spelled it right. Okay, he had to get it out.
Another friend, a close personal friend ...no Not Jesus! ...Paul! :) is going to be Dennis Leary
And Sandy and Ron will be, they're going to take turns being, the other guy who's name no one remembers because he has such a big personality and it takes two people. We'll just call him other guy.
Oh! Dennis Miller, I stand, slouch, slip, sit corrected...not Dennis Leary but that's too bad because Dennis Leary is much funnier. Fish shoes...That's funny as hell! Watch Suicide Kings. Better looking too
Other guy: Don't touch the tv! I'm watching that!
Steno girl: Why? It's the fashion channel, jeez turn it off!
Dan Fouts: It's the only place we can see girls being "things" and not get hammered for it
Ms. O. G.: Get a porn tape, why go half-assed
Dennis Miller: All girls are things.
Ms. O. G.: Only good girls!
Other guy: I don't like porn just things that walk
Steno girl: Only good girls?
Dennis Miller: All girls!
Other guy: You should do that Rache, I mean Steno girl
Steno girl: What? be a thing? I am, just ask Dennis
Dan Fouts: they don't talk, notice that?
Other guy: Be a runway model
Steno girl: yeah right, what about Sandy?
Dennis Miller: You got the nips for it!
Other guy: She's the floor model...OUCH!
Steno girl: That was dumb
Other guy: I didn't say I got you used! just....demonstrated!
Dan Fouts: Pass the bowl. Yeah got the nips, the hips, and the lips!
Ms. O. G.: Ronnie I'm going to kill you soon
Steno girl: Lips nips and hips? Fuck you
Dan Fouts: Okay! Right here?
Other guy: Are you ready for some Footfall?
Dennis Miller: What?
Footfall is defined as a game in which someone might or might not carry a big stick. And might or might not walk softly. And it rhymes with football, which is about as clever as we feel after 8 hours of giggling.
steno girl: who does the intro?
Other guy: We do ...Ahem, you first?
Ms. O. G.: What do I know about?
Dan Fouts: Schizo hey! they DO look like two people
Dennis Miller: yeah but Sandy got the looks and the brains!
Ms. O. G.: The girl who gets everything!
Other guy: Huh?
Steno girl: I see what you mean
DUH DUH DUH DUH
Steno girl: I have to sing?
Dennis Miller: Yeah and shake your ass too
Other guy: Especially the ass shaking part
Dan Fouts: Yeah
At this point I sang the chorus of "Outside" by Staind w/ Fred Durst
I didn't shake my ass
Dennis Miller: What was that?
Steno girl: You want "God Bless America"?
Other guy: Okay! Welcome to another night of Mondy Night Footfall! I'm Michael's, something Michael's...Fuck it!
Dan Fouts: Al!!!
Other guy: Right!! I'm Al Michael's and I have no personality! But tonight I don't need one, because we bring you a titanic struggle of good vs evil
Dennis Miller: Good was gonna fight Apathy, but apathy didn't show up.
Other guy: Thank you, very true! With me in the booth is my wife, my better half, my life partner, my mate, my soul companion, my true love, the mother of my children, the daughter of my mother in law, the incomparable beauty who....
Ms. O. G.: Shut up! It's no good, you're not getting any tonight!
Dan Fouts: What are you eating?
Other guy: It looks like...It looks like...
Dennis Miller: baby poop?
Steno girl: Butterscotch pudding
Other guy: Rutherford's Atom!!
Dennis Miller: Who?
Steno girl: exactly right! yummy too!
At this point we're all eating butterscotch pudding out of a big mixing bowl
Dan Fouts: Keep going, Al, jeeesus this is good!
Other guy: With me in the booth is a has been, used up, ex-quarterback who almost won a championship, but didn't. Mr. Dan Fouts. And on my left hand...
Dennis Miller: Left Hand of God? Who invited the professor anyway? Mary Ann is okay, but God!
Other guy: Don't worry my son, when you defend your thesis I will remember this moment!
Steno girl: You invited him! kiss butt!
Dan Fouts: This is good pudding Rache!
Steno girl: 12 cans of snack pack! can I cook or what?
Dennis Miller: Or what!
Steno girl: Sleeping on the couch Fido?
Other guy: I got dibs on the couch! uhhh...right honey?
Mrs O. G.: (evil chuckle)
Other guy: On my left is the painfully scathingly unfunny Dennis Miller
Dennis Miller: Don Rickles with hair
Dan Fouts: Shineed O'Conner with hair
Steno girl: Who?
Ms. O. G.: S-I-N-E-A-D
Steno girl: Thanks. What + Ever
Ms. O. G.: John, I think you're over qualified to be Dan Fouts.
Dan Fouts: Why? (sucking pudding from his fingers)
Ms. O. G.: Because I want to be someone besides Ms. Other guy
Other guy: What?
Dennis Miller: Do you dream of having a penis?
Steno girl: Don't look at me! I love my cunt!
Dan Fouts: I thought maybe you meant because I was black
Other guy: You can be Lot's Wife
Dennis Miller: Pass the salt
Ms. O. G.: huh?
Steno girl: I wrote a story about her, but it ended badly
Dan Fouts: I wrote a story about Ms. Noah once. Brutal! Beastial!
Other guy: Banal!
Steno girl: You be Steno girl for awhile
Ms. O. G.: No thanks! I'll hit somebody if I try to type when I'm stoned
Dennis Miller: What's wrong with that?
Steno girl: I got a tattoo
Dan Fouts: I heard
Steno girl: What?
Other guy: Paul told us already, you were sitting right there when he said it!
Steno girl: I was?
Ms. O. G.: Smoke more remember less. Did it hurt?
Steno girl: No, not really, not until the guy washed it afterwards.
Dan Fouts: Show us
Steno girl: No!
Other guy: Show us!
Steno girl: No! go away, it's personal
Dennis Miller: You brought it up!
Ms. O. G.: They just want a thrill
Dan Fouts: It's on your stomach right?
Dennis Miller: Lower
Steno girl: Lower
Other guy: Then what's the problem?
Dan Fouts: Some other guy saw it, some strange tattoo guy, right?
Ms. O. G.: Well, of course! Sheeesh
Other guy: Paul gets to see it!
Dan Fouts: Life is so unfair!
Dennis Miller: She's fake!
Steno girl: I am not!
Dennis Miller: You get a tattoo that says "Sin Bravely" just above your pudenda
Other guy: Pudenda?
Ms. O. G.: Wow! Nice word!
Dan Fouts: You got a Pudenda Rache?
Dennis Miller: And you won't show it cause you're afraid! Fake!
Ms. O. G.: What does Sin Bravely mean?
Dan Fouts: Thomas Jefferson said it when he freed the slaves
Steno girl: Martin Luthor said it, he meant you can't find God without challenging Him.
Dan Fouts: Bought slaves?
Other guy: Well let's see it
Dan foughts: We are slaves to sin, Jefferson knew that
Ms. O. G.: The Declaration of Independence is not from sin
Dennis Miller what are you talking about?
Dan Fouts: I have some of Jefferson's blood in me!
Other guy: Rachael!
Steno girl: Jeeeesus! Here!
a minute later
Other guy: Nice, gothic lettering even
Dennis Miller: It looks splotchy
Steno girl: It's scabbed
Ms. O. G.: cool
Dan Fouts: Put some pudding on it
a minute later
Dan Fouts: In George Washington's final address to the nation...
Dennis Miller: Farewell Address
Steno girl: Goodbye cruel world
Dan Fouts: He said, and I quote from memory, uhhhh..."We now disengage ourselves from Europe." Other guy: 100 and a few years later...Drum roll please...
Dan Fouts: We maintained that isolationist view until the 1st World War, when we once again chained ourselves to the aspirations of the British Empire.
Ms. O. G.: Jihad!
Dennis Miller: Amen!
Steno girl: What British Empire?
Ms. O. G.: Shhhhh
Dan Fouts: Since it's foundation the American team brings a winning record to Kabul, but they are a team already devestated...Al?
Other guy: That's right Dan, terrorist quarterback Osama Bin Laden...
Ms. O. G.: Freedom Fighter!
Other guy: Has stunned the world with his ability to improvise and sow confusion among opposing defences.
Dan Fouts: But he's primarily a pocket passer, isn't that right?
Dennis Miller: He's a pocket pussy!
Ms. O. G.: Jihad!
Other guy: That's right Dan, Osama likes to stay in the pocket and pick his targets. America will have to find some way to penetrate his front line, maybe resorting to a blitz. But you have to remember, the terrorists...
Ms. O. G.: Freedom Fighters!
Other guy: Will likely take a page from the old Jerry Glanville(sp?) playbook...
Dennis Miller: The Man in Black!
Dan Fouts: The "Run 'n Gun" offense, who could ever forget?
Steno girl? Huh?
Ms. O. G.: Just type it, they don't know either!
Other guy: The American leader, Coach Bush...
Ms. O. G.: Great Satan!
Other guy: Is in his first year, just a rookie. Dan, this has got to be a little disconerting for him!
Dan Fouts: That's right Al, he looks confused, tired, and we wonder if he has a game plan, or if he'll just give us Texas again - Big, dry, and full of shit!
Dennis Miller: Only two things come from Texas...
Ms. O. G.: Steers and...
Dennis Miller: Cheerleaders!
Steno girl: The cheerleader state, great.
Smoke break!
Dan Fouts: America brings a devestating air attack, they can move the ball in a hurry when they want to!
Other guy: That's right Dan, no doubt about it! They gave up a lot of points in the season opener and quite a few fans are wondering why we don't pull the bomb out of the playbook and just go for the endzone!
Ms. O. G.: Jihad!
Steno girl: I'm bombed!
Dennis Miller: B2, wings left, 50 megaton flip-switch, on three! Hike!
Steno girl: Is that a play?
Dennis Miller: It's a movie - the Last Waltz
Other guy: Some people say Osama is the Anti-Christ...
Dennis Miller: Osama isn't the anti-christ, he's the anti-Will Rogers...
Other guy: That Osama is the very instrument of God's wrath! But maybe America has a little wrath of it's own!
Dennis Miller: He just never met a man he liked!
Ms. O. G.: Me neither
Dan Fouts: Not very sportsman like!
Steno girl: I like all of them
Other guy: No it's not, feeling is that America will resort to the West Coast offense, attacking through the air and using the ground game to eat time off the clock once they get ahead.
Dennis Miller: America likes turf!
Steno girl: What's the penalty for unsportsmanlike conduct?
Ms. O. G.: World War 3! Jihad!
Dan Fouts: We really gotta give Osama the home field advantage in this one.
Other guy: Good point Dennis, America does like to play on artificial surfaces! They've been practising at Veteran's Stadium in Philly to get used to unexpected bumps, but there's nothing like playing on real grass!
Dan Fouts: They'll have to take a long hard look at what kind of cleats they wear
Steno girl: I just got some really nice shoes...
Ms. O. G.: Really? I need to shop so bad! You should have...
Dennis Miller: Excuse me!
Dan Fouts: Any more of that pudding?
Steno girl: You're starting to look like Bing Cosby
Ms. O. G.: Bill crosby?
Other guy: Huh?
Dan Fouts: Oh yeah? Do I hear Jello shots?
Dennis Miller: No!
Steno girl: No!
Other guy: Yeah!
At this point they all went into the kitchen
Other guy: Have you seen those Taliban cheerleaders?
Ms. O. G.: Jihad!
Dan Fouts: Rache! Where's the Jello? Where's the vodka?
Dennis Miller: (not in the kitchen) Let's go upstairs and play Jihad
Steno girl: Think? let me type this first: "bye!"