Return of the Space Toad 1.5


Posted by PK on April 26, 2003 at 17:13:18:

"YES!" Carmel punched the air triumphantly, causing her torn negligee to rise up in an
interesting way. It struck Albert that this was a slightly unusual reaction considering that he
had hardly even had time to employ his subtle empathic seduction techniques, but he wasn't
going to argue.

With his prey trailing him cheerfully, despite limping slightly due to a broken heel, Albert
lumbered back to his hastily concealed ship. He had to make a report before someone did it
for him. He knew he shouldn't have used a power weapon, he should have just scared the
killer off, but....

He shuddered at the thought. Leaving a Mad Axeman running loose! He couldn't stand the
idea. All those delicious young women being wasted when they could be so much better
appreciated by...certain others. Well, me, he admitted to himself. He knew he could never
have caught the MA if he'd actually made a run for it, Space Toads didn't move as fast as
humans, they relied on stealth, cunning, seduction....

And a little good luck and cooperation didn't hurt. He licked his lips. There was no way he
was going to pass up this juicy little beauty, even if he had just eaten. It would be a terrible
shame to disappoint her anyway, now wouldn't it?

"Oh, wow!" Carmel gushed. "Is this really it? Your spaceship? Where you took all those other
girls, the ones you took home with you?"

Albert's empathic sense confirmed that the girl was totally sincere. He didn't know why, but
she was having the time of her life. He didn't grudge it her one little bit, in fact he was
pleased and reluctantly flattered. The smidgen of reluctance was only due to the fact that his
hunting skills had been totally irrelevant to this capture. Exactly what had she read about him
anyway?

"Yes, this is it," he said, leading her into the den at the heart of the rather small and shabby
spacecraft. He hoped he hadn't left it too untidy. Hastily he arranged a couple of crates into a
chair and table. The least he could do was make her comfortable. "Would you like a drink or
something? I've just got to make a call..."

Camel sat down contentedly on the makeshift chair and looked around while Albert fussed
about poking in lockers and tweaking arcane instruments. One of the devices emitted an
alarming beep just as Albert produced a cylindrical vessel and offered it to her. "Hot milk with
brandy?"

"Lovely, thanks," she replied gratefully. She had been prepared to endure brackish water,
some weird and horrible Space Drink or even Coca-Cola, but this was a welcome surprise.
She sipped it with enjoyment as Albert made his call. She half listened dreamily while he
made his confession. She hoped he wasn't in serious trouble.

"It was self defence, he startled me. I know I shouldn't have been carrying it, but I haven't
been back long and I was nervous. You should have seen that axe, you'd have..."

A long and half inaudible reply ensued. It didn't sound friendly.

"No, I didn't leave any traces, honestly. Nobody saw me. Well, except the er, victim and I'm
going to..you know.."

Albert glanced self-consciously at Carmel, who just lifted her makeshift mug in cheery salute.
The next few minutes were harrowing. The dark-suited human with the shades frankly scared
him, he didn't want to make any mistakes. It seemed the death of the MA wasn't of any
concern, his use of a power weapon was. Technically, self-defense was no excuse. He had to
pay a fine for the infraction and got a warning. Next came the one that had been worrying
him. Had he used weapons to coerce his prey? Albert hoped his guilt didn't show on his face.
He had to admit to himself that he had threatened to stun her, not a legal technique. It would
be no use pleading that he had been rattled by the human killer's arrival, though it was true,
that would not excuse him violating the terms of his Permit. If his capture was ruled illegal he
would have to let her go, if he was lucky. Worse, he might have another violation on his
record and he already had one for hunting out of territory. Three strikes and he was out,
never to return to this paradise. It hardly bore thinking about.

"I didn't have to," he evaded. "She came willingly. Really. Do you want to talk to her? If she
denies it I'll let her go. Or I can hold her until you come and pick her up...?" He knew the
scary humans would want to 'debrief' her in their own way. Albert was 'cooperating' for all he
was worth. It seemed to work. The man agreed and Albert beckoned Carmel over to the
comm unit.

"Hi there!" she said. "S'okay, don't worry 'bout me. Albert rescued me from the Mad Axeman,
y'know? Only fair he gets to eat me..."

The anonymous agent decided there was nothing seriously untoward going on and left them
to it. Obviously he had more urgent matters on his mind. Albert sighed with relief.

His next meal sat down again and finished her hot milk. "Lovely," she said again. "Got any
more? Can you show me around? I wanna see where you keep your stash. Y'know? The
ones you squirrel away for later..."

She was slurring a bit, Albert noted. Maybe a 50/50 mix of milk and brandy was too much.
"Coming right up," he said, keeping one eye on her as he mixed her drink. He settled for a
glass of camomile tea, it seemed to be good for his nerves. He squatted down across the
table from her. One of her breasts had broken free from her damaged garment. Round and
juicy, caramel coloured and topped with a tempting brown erected nipple. His tongue
acquired a life of its own and tried to sneak out to taste it. If only he hadn't just eaten!

Moderation, he told himself sternly. "Where did you get all this information?" he asked
politely. "We're not supposed to be public knowledge." He gave thanks to the impulse to
upgrade his communication software.

"Ever'body knows about you," said Carmel. "The gov'ment deny it, but those in the know,"
she tapped her nose conspiratorially, "We know." She leaned over the table and patted Albert
on his warty head. "But you're even cuter than they say...."

Albert resisted the impulse so simper modestly. What a charming -and discriminating - young
lady! Reluctantly he pulled himself back to the subject at hand. He really had to know.

"Everybody?" he wondered. He knew he'd been mentioned on a web site or two but just how
much was known?

"It's on the Internet," she said. "There are loads of sites about Space Monsters, especially
Woman Eating Space Monsters. There's whole page about you. No photo though, just a
sketch." She smiled. "You're much more handsome in real life."

This was exactly the sort of thing the Bureau of Extraterrestrial Affairs, whose field executive
agents were commonly known as Men In Black, were trying to keep quiet. Albert was
puzzled. Readers will note that he didn't really understand the Internet yet...

"Say, you mind if I ask you something? Do all you Space Monsters speak English? And how
come you have a British accent?"

"I don't," said Albert. "I barely understand your language at all. I'm using a translator with a
neural interface. The last time I upgraded it, the dealer said it had been programmed based
on the BBC World Service, with a few vernacular terms thrown in." In fact, the last time he
hadn't been able to speak coherently to anyone except the MIB, who had translators of their
own. "Does it sound all right?" he added anxiously. He would hate to make a bad
impression...

"I think it's sexy," Carmel purred, thrusting her breasts forward across the table. Albert
gulped. Her forwardness was gratifying but it threatened his self-control. Maybe it would be
best to put her into storage.

"You said you wanted to see the food locker?" he ventured. "I could put you in there if you
like...."

Carmel looked doubtful. Her brow furrowed as she thought about it. Put into storage, like
emergency supplies? Should she feel insulted?

Albert noted the protruding lower lip. She was going to sulk. "You wouldn't want me to eat
you before I'm ready, would you? I want to enjoy you, not just stuff you in when I'm too full to
appreciate you." He had been working on his communication skills.

That struck the right note. "Okay!" she said, brightening again. "Let's go take a look."

They did. Albert proudly explained how the storage system worked while his guest gaped in
gratifying awe. "Not many in here yet," he commented. "But I'm going for quality this time.
Aren't those nice?" He indicated a shelf where two smallish blonde women lay side by side,
wrapped in a plastic membrane, totally immobile. "Twins," he said proudly. "And lovers. A
rarity. I'll eat them together, it's how they'd want it."

Carmel slugged his shoulder. "You sentimental old thing," she teased.

"If I put you in here," Albert went on hastily, "You won't have to wait. You'll be in stasis, the
next time you see me will be minutes before I eat you."

Carmel pondered this. "Okay, I guess," she said. She glanced around. "Hey, I know her!"
Another shelf held a tall, dark haired woman. "Hi, Amy!" Amy, in stasis, did not respond.

"Friend of yours?" Albert ventured.

"Sort of. Wondered where she'd got to."

An intriguing possibility suggested itself to Albert.

"How would you like to be my Faithful Native Guide?" he asked.

"You Kemo Sabe, me Tonto?" Carmel giggled. "Uh... what?"

"Help me find suitable...er...game," Albert ventured. "I'd do the actual stalking and capturing,
of course, but you could help me find the tastiest girls to hunt, advise me on local conditions,
that sort of thing." He was far from sure she'd go for this. It was one thing to give herself up,
another entirely to help him hunt her own kind. On the other hand, if she viewed herself as
food her point of view was not exactly normal. It wasn't as if she didn't know about all the
others he'd eaten, as well as her 'sort of' friend waiting her turn, and she didn't seem to mind.
Anyway, it was worth a try. If she didn't bite, nothing lost, he'd pop her in the larder and that
would be that.

Carmel seemed to be pondering the idea. Her brow was furrowed. "You mean you don't want
to eat me next?" she finally asked sounding just a little petulant. Oh dear. "You want me to
let all those other girls have all the fun? Until I'm old and grey and past my prime.." She
sounded tearful. Exactly how much brandy had she had? Albert wondered. It was so hard to
judge how much was appropriate for humans. He really would have to be more careful.

"Oh no," said Albert reassuringly. "I'm not going to be here anything like long enough for you
to get much older, not on this trip. You'll be prime stuff for years yet, well, I mean you would
have been...."

Carmel brightened once again as the implications sank through her alcohol fogged brain. "So
you are going to...?"

"Of course. Oh, don't you worry yourself about that," said Albert briskly. He was on firmer
ground again. "You're going to be eaten. By me. Trust me on this one, there's no way I'm
letting a tasty morsel like you go to waste. Before I leave the planet you'll be in my belly or in
the larder and there's only one way out of there. I just thought you might want to watch me
work before we......oh well, if you don't want to, that's okay. Do you want another drink,
anything else, before I put you away? I'd really appreciate it if you undressed, cleaned up and
slipped into one of these little storage bags before I suspend you, it's not easy..."

Carmel cut through his babble with the single-minded persistence of the truly drunk and went
to the heart of the matter. "So either way I get eaten?"

"Absolutely," said Albert.

"Could be fun," she mused. She always had wanted to see how some of these other chicks
get munched. At least, if she couldn't do it herself. Now she could have it both ways. She
couldn't see any downside to this.

"Can I watch you, y'know," she pantomimed swallowing something.

"No problem," said Albert. It appeared her morals were not going to be a major obstacle.

"Well, okay, I'll give it a shot. If it doesn't work out, can I...?"

"If you get bored with it, I'll put you back in the larder, or eat you next as soon as I'm hungry
enough," said Albert, and added magnanimously, "Your choice!"

Carmel punched him playfully. "Gotcha self a deal, Toadie ole buddy," she slurred. The she
sank quite gracefully to the floor and passed out.

Albert viewed her temptingly sprawled body with a mixture of appreciation and dismay. Now
he'd have to put her to bed. Oh well....

Some discerning readers may be wondering what the Famous Space Toad is doing back on
Earth so soon after his last vacation. Wasn't he broke? you wonder. Most of you, of course,
don't care as long as he's back. But I'm going to tell you anyway. Albert published his journals
when he got back home and they were a runaway best seller. This did wonders for the
tourism industry and he even got an advance on his next travelogue, not to mention requests
for lectures on stalking game in the field. He was therefore able to afford his comm software
upgrades, a refit of his clunker of a ship and a fair bit of new equipment.

None of which, of course, would do him any good unless he could catch more Earth females,
and here he had a problem. Albert had put on weight. Space Toads don't stop growing when
they mature, and Albert's rich diet had increased his size considerably. This meant that he
could eat even more women than before. It also meant his bulk was harder to conceal. He
knew he would have to develop new strategies if he was to keep his food supply coming, and
Carmel was a possible solution. First, though, he had to put her to bed. Reluctantly, he
resisted the impulse to make her a late night snack and set about making her comfortable.


The next morning, Carmel woke in a heap on the floor, wrapped in a pile of some sort of
bedding. It took a while to work out where she was.

"Rise and shine," said Albert with disgusting brightness. He handed her a mug of something
that smelled not unlike coffee. "We've got work to do. Did I say that right?"

Carmel grunted. Space Toad. Not a dream. Going to be eaten soon. Feel like shit. She
sipped.

"Jesus Christ, what IS this," she spat.

"Hangover cure. That's what they told me, anyway. Here's food." He offered her a rectangular
brick of some brownish-grey substance. She bit into it.

"Yuck. Got any bacon and eggs? Hash browns? Cornflakes? Orange juice?"

Albert sighed. He hadn't really had enough experience in the care and feeding of human
pets. "Sorry, no," he admitted.

Carmel struggled to her feet. "I'm sorry," she said. "Didn't mean to bite your head off. Look,
why don't I just go home, get some breakfast and freshen up? I can be back here in a hour or
two." She picked at her torn negligee. "I could use a shower and a change of clothes, too. No
way I wanna get munched when I'm grungy."

Albert was take aback. Let her go? Well, why not? She seemed sincere enough. Of course, if
she didn't return, or came back leading an angry mob with torches and shotguns...

Not that these would affect him, as long as he stayed in the ship but the MIB would take
notice and that would be that. After an agonising moment he decided to trust his judgement
of her.

"All right," he said. If Space Toads could cross their fingers, he would have. He needn't have
worried. While he busied himself doing routine maintenance, studying maps and checking his
documentation, all that boring but necessary stuff, Carmel refreshed herself and returned.
She was now wearing a practical outfit of cutoff denim shorts, trainers and a T-shirt,
truncated enough to show her navel, bearing the legend 'Eat ME!' across her firm but ample
breasts.

"Hi there!" she said. "Y'know, that hangover thing really works. You should market it. What's
happenin'?" She dumped a large rucksack on the floor. "Supplies," she explained. "If I'm
gonna be here a while, well, no offence but those Space Rations of yours don't cut it."

Albert wasn't offended. "I was hoping you'd have a few ideas..."

"Matter of fact, I do. Y'see, I know some people, friends of mine, who sorta get off on the
idea of getting et, and I thought we could start with a couple a them..maybe?"

"They'd be willing?" That would simplify matters a great deal. It wasn't exactly sporting but
what the FRRxxx**?

"Well, not exactly. I mean, they just fool around with it, but still, if you went at it right, got 'em
when they were in the right mood, if you know what I mean, they might not fight it too
hard...?"

Aha. So they fantasised about being eaten. Something to work with. This was useful
information. Still, he need more details. "And you know their habits? Their habitat and
patterns of movement?"

"Some. Hey, I just wondered, is this legal? I mean, you said about having a Permit, and rules
about weapons and stuff. Is it okay to have a guide? I don't wanna get you in trouble..."

"There's nothing says I can't," said Albert, who had just reread the terms of his license in
detail. "Of course, the civil authorities don't know about the Bureau, and if they caught you
feeding people to a Space Monster they might," he shrugged apologetically, "take a dim view
of it." Accessory to murder might be the correct legal term for it.

Carmel waved that away airily. "I'm not gonna be around to answer charges, right? If
anybody gets what's happening, you just up and away, and I'm trail food, right?"

"Right." She certainly had a positive attitude. Albert felt a little dizzied by it. "You really don't
mind me eating all your friends?"

"Shit, no. I'm not gonna be needing them any more. Anyhow, they'll enjoy it once they get
into it. Just you see." She snickered. She was really getting into this herself. It would be a
real hoot, a practical joke with a kick in the tail. She had shared 'getting eaten by a Space
Monster' fantasies with a lot of other chicks. Wouldn't it be fun to see their faces when it
really happened? She could hardly wait.