Posted by PK on April 25, 2003 at 16:43:28:
This story follows 'The Quest for Surfergirl' but comes before ''Albert'. At least I think it does.
Time may be the simplest thing but it tends to confuse me.
Okay, the Return of the Space Toad. Or the Son of the Return of the Space Toad from
Beyond Infinity. Something like that. Well, it's a story where lots of cute girls get eaten. If you
don't like that sort of thing, you've been warned.
RETURN OF THE SPACE TOAD
It was a dark and stormy night. Honest.
Now you know what sort of story this is, we can begin.
As Carmel fled through the woods, dressed only in a flimsy negligee and a pair of high
heeled sandals, she realised at last the terrible risk she was running coming out at night in
this sort of attire. Being raped or having her head chopped off by a mad axeman was not at
all what she'd had in mind when she started this. It's all my parents' fault, she thought bitterly,
for naming me like a confection. As all such flights end, hers ended. She tripped over a root
and fell, sprawling prettily in a way that would have exposed her underpants had she been
wearing any. A dark, plodding shape followed her into the glade, lit by the fitful moon through
the clouds of a gathering summer storm. Her life flashed before her eyes, obscuring the sight
of another participant in this fateful drama...
Hansel and Gretel. She had loved that story. Being lost in the woods, going to the Wicked
Witch's house, being cooked...childish dreams. All supplanted when she discovered the tale
of Red Riding Hood. Oh, the Wolf! The classic line still made her shiver with delight. "All the
better to EAT you with..."
Silly, silly endings. The poor girl never got eaten. Some gnarled old woodcutter turned up
and spoiled the fun.
And then she had grown up. Looking in a mirror, she could see herself getting tastier every
day. She had lovely lustrous black hair, deep brown eyes and olive skin with a sheen to it, a
layer of feminine roundness, a neat package of sheer edibility. She was ripe, she was made
to be food, she knew it. Then she discovered something on the internet that told her what her
true destiny was. Day after day she had gone looking for it, taking risks, hoping against all the
odds....
Too late. The Mad Axeman stood over her. Oh shit, she thought. I've blown it. One more
mutilated corpse, that's me. All those days trying to track them down, she thought. All
wasted. She closed her eyes and waited for the blow to fall.
An eerily distorted voice cut through her reverie. It sounded like something produced by a
badly tuned synthesiser. It seemed to be muttering to itself.
"Bloody *jhsdh453'ssjjk equipment...f''cking hell, am I allowed to,,,__URP>>"
A dark greenish shape emerged from the bushes. "Piss off," it said in passable English.
The Mad Axeman just gaped.
"I don't suppose they'll mind all that much," muttered the Thing. "Serial killers, according to
the handbook, not protected species... okay, I'll risk it." There was a brief flare of eye-searing
violet light and the killer was a smoking pile of ash.
"Oh, thank you," Carmel gushed, tears of relief and gratitude in her eyes.
"Er, well, thanks may be a little premature...."
"You mean you're going to eat me?"
"Since you mention it, yes. Not just now, I ate an hour ago. Nice little jogger...look, I can stun
you and carry you or you can walk."
"I'll walk. Is it really you?"
"Who were you expecting, if you don't mind me asking?"
"You're famous. Some British guy leaked it. The MIB are still looking for him. Are you really
the one?"
So much for stealth. The alien sighed. What did it matter? She'd be supper soon.
"Yes, it's me, Albert. I'm back."