Albert 2


Posted by PK on December 16, 2001 at 16:41:19:

Five pairs of wide eyes fastened on him for a moment of silence and them the hubbub
started again. "It talked!" "Kimi, what IS that?" "Alde-what?"

Albert suppressed a sigh and brought his persuasive talents to bear. With Kimi's aid he went
through the spiel again. To help matters along he dispensed some of the brightly coloured
packets of junk food Earth girls seemed to live on, and a few precious cans of Coca-Cola.
Precious not because he liked the horrible stuff, but because he didn't have much. It seemed
to work, and they even seemed to accept his explanation for the most part, if only because
nobody had a better one.

"I still don't see why you picked a volleyball team," one complained. It was true, this had
sounded far more convincing even to Kimi when there was only one of her.

Because you all looked so irresistibly delicious I just couldn't bear to leave any of you behind,
Albert almost blurted. This diplomacy stuff was wearing on him. "Opportunity," he said
patiently. "I wanted at least one of you and it was convenient at that time to catch...er.. aquire
you all. Besides," he continued, suddenly inspired, "I thought a group of friends would be
more comfortable together than a bunch of strangers."

"It still sounds fishy to me," the troublemaker persisted. "How do we know you're not going to
just eat us all?" This provoked a round of excited chatter and some giggles. I wish, thought
Albert rather wistfully.

"Or perform weird experiments on us."

"Oh, no, nothing of the sort," Albert assured her.

"Don't be silly, Mariko," Kimi reproved. "That was very rude. You should apologise at once."

"Sorry," the girl mumbled, but she didn't sound entirely convinced.

"So," said Albert brightly, "Are we ready to go to the Symposium?"

"Like this?" Kimiko exclaimed, indicating their collective nudity. "We'll need a minute to get
dressed, surely. Where are our clothes?"

Uh-oh. "I'm afraid I didn't bring them," Albert admitted. "Besides, it's considered rude in polite
Galactic society to wear clothing in company. Don't worry, you won't be needing them. It's
quite warm enough for Earth people."

Over the next few minutes it was explained to Albert from several viewpoints why humans
wore clothing apart from insulation. Albert listened with an appearance of polite interest.

"You see?" he said at last. "Already I'm learning about your culture. Perhaps these will help."
He produced a box containing green ribbons decorated - or perhaps inscribed - with some
odd looking symbols. "Tie one of these round your neck. It will identify you as my invited
guest and perhaps serve as token clothing?"

There was still some grumbling as the team put them on, but they all complied. Each girl now
wore a necktie identifying her as Albert's catch, in a pretty green material guaranteed non-
toxic in case some greedy, ill-mannered swine ate her without bothering to take it off.
Privately, Albert hoped they'd choke him. He pictured poor dear Kimiko being gulped down
by an oafish and unappreciative Sirian and almost wept. The sacrifices I make in the name of
my social responsibilities, he mused self-pityingly. Or, being brutally honest, is it just vanity?
Maybe I should become a recluse.

"Mr Albert, Sir?" Kimiko prompted politely. "We're ready. Are you all right?"

"Hmm..yes, sorry, just thinking." Albert pulled himself together. "Let's go! Oh, could a few of
you help me load the refreshments?"

The refreshments comprised several small kegs of liquid Albert explained as his own small
contribution to the catering costs.

"Sounds more like a bring-a-bottle party than a symposium," one of the girls commented to
general laughter. Soon it was done and they were flying in Albert's aircar over the strange
landscapes of an alien world. The girls kept up a lively chatter as they commented on the
views (not really inspiring, Aldebaran IV is mostly marshes with clumps of buildings dotted
around, and if you've seen one Aldebaranian marsh you've seen them all) and speculated
about the coming event. Albert used his status as driver to keep his own comments short and
non-committal. In fact, the car was largely automatic, he was wondering how long he could
keep up the deception before the girls twigged and possibly started to panic. He had a
stunner in an equipment pouch at his waist for when the crunch came, he had no desire to try
and chase down a human girl on foot. It was no accident that Space Toads hunted by stealth,
guile and enticement. They would have no chance in an open race with the faster and more
agile human species, unless it was in water.

At length the car alighted on a landing platform halfway up the side of a large but uninspiring
building and rolled forward into an interior enclosure resembling exactly what it was, a car
park.When you've seen one car park, Aldebaranian or not, you've seen them all. Though
open to the outside, the girls noted that it wasn't cold even on bare skin, their host had told
the truth about the climate: it was moist but warm. After unloading the refreshments onto a
motorised sled with the help of his guests, Albert led them from there by a bewildering series
of ramps, lift platforms and corridors to the main conference hall.

"EeeeK!" was the first comment from the girls. Several other comments followed,
presumably in Japanese because Albert couldn't understand a word, but he got the general
drift. They might have just about got used to him, but this....

There were ALIENS in there! Millions of them! All big and weird looking!

"Don't be alarmed," Kimiko advised. "We probably look just as strange to them."

In fact there weren't millions. Albert saw about half a dozen species represented that he
recognised as fellow Space Monsters, as in interstellar people eaters, and no more than a
few of each. There were also humans. They all wore a coloured ribbon tied around their
necks, upper arms or a leg, they were all otherwise naked and one other thing....

"People!" Mariko said, rather tactlessly.

"Other humanoids, yes," said Albert soothingly. "Not all are from your Earth." Only the best
and tastiest, in his far from humble opinion.

"Why are they all female?" Kimiko wondered.

"The males of your species are aggressive and excitable," Albert explained. "We find it best
to contact your females first." How long can I keep this bullshit up? he wondered. If he were
Pinocchio his nose would be halfway to Betelgeuse. He wondered how the others were
controlling their catches. Implants, drugs or psionics? He doubted if any of them were relying
on sheer effrontery. He slipped his stunner into his palm just in case they broke early.

"Hello Albert, you old poacher," came a familiar and unwelcome voice. He didn't actually say
'Albert' he said AlBB**/!! Knplok'' TTssskk $$9 but we've been through all that. "Nice looking
catch, I must say."

"Hello Gerald," Albert replied grudgingly. The speaker was another Space Toad, or
Aldebaranian, and he fancied himself a challenger to Albert's supremacy. "What sort of dregs
have you scratched up?" What he had 'scratched up' were a bunch of Indo-asian girls,
probably Thai or Cambodian peasants. They appeared to be drugged or simply baffled
speechless by their surroundings. He's probably stolen them from a brothel or bought them
from their families for a bowl of rice each, thought Albert contemptuously. Shooting fish in a
barrel. Some hunter. Not inedible, though, they were fairly fresh and he'd gladly eat them in a
pinch, but nothing to compare with his own delectably cultured beauties.

"I'll trade you one for one," Gerald offered , leering at Albert's girls.

"What's he saying?" Mariko wanted to know.

"You must be joking," Albert retorted to Gerald. "He's saying hello to me and welcome to all
of you. Nothing important. His translator isn't set for English. There will be a bit of a
communication problem, just be patient."

"Okay, two for the tall one."

Normally, he wouldn't have traded Kimiko for all of them, but did it really matter now? He had
a feeling it wouldn't. Everybody at these bashes was supposed to bring as much as or more
than he could eat himself. That meant that any left over could be taken home by their
owners. The problem was that he hoped to win prestige, fame and possibly the conveted
prize for Best Catch, but if he did it was unlikely in the extreme that any of his girls would
survive. No, he would not get any of these beauties back. But he just couldn't bring himself
to trade them.

"Forget it," he snarled. "Come on, ladies, there are refreshments for you over there." In fact,
there were. Several tables had been laid out with dishes suitable for humans. He led his
charges through the oddly mixed crowd, exchanging the odd greeting with the other hunters
and modestly fielding some heartfelt compliments on the quality of meat on the hoof he had
brought.

"Three," Gerald called to his retreating back.

"Piss off, mudsucker," Albert replied.

The buffet tables were already surrounded by humans, or almost humans. Some of them
spoke in unidentifiable languages, some didn't speak at all. Albert spotted a nice brace of
Kuari and wondered who had brought them. Nobody hunted Kuari, they were a race of
smallish, attractive humanoids domesticated by the reptilian (and ferocious) Ss'Rith as both
slave labour and food. Since the Ss'Rith ate a lot of them, they had been selectively bred for
multiple births and a high female to male ratio. It might not be quite accurate to say they
liked being eaten, but by now they were certainly used to it. Somebody must have bought
them from their owners, which would disqualify him for any prize unless he could prove he'd
poached them. Now THAT would be a coup.

"Aren't you going to eat anything?" Kimiko asked him. She was eating an apple and had a
glass of golden liquid in her hand. The rest of the girls seemed to have got over their nerves
on sight of the perfectly normal food. That or the cider.

"Guests first," Albert said. "We Galactics dine later. I could do with a drink, though." He could
indeed. He hadn't had time to establish a sufficiently strong empathic link with the girls, and
there were too many of them to control. He could only hope his pheromonal influence and
subliminal soothing thoughts would keep them calm and cheerful until the real banquet
began. By then he hoped they would be complacent enough to relax and enjoy their role in
the Bacchanalia, but he wasn't counting on it. One uncontrolled English speaking human, or
one reveller losing control too early and it would all hit the fan.

His fellow Space Monsters had already started on the recreational intoxicants. The barrels of
powerful Aldebaranian Swamp Brewed Rotgut had been placed on stands by willing hands,
claws and tentacles and were proving popular. He avoided it, contenting himself with a
modest gallon of the local ale.

"When do we get to the conference part?" one of his girls asked. "I can't understand
anybody."

The ale inspired Albert. "First we have to introduce you," he said. That would explain the part
where he led them to the stage to be admired by the crowd and evaluated by the judges. It
wouldn't explain the next bit, but it would be too late anyway by then. His thoughts mellowed
as the ale took effect and he let his mind wander. The girls started to wander too.

"Hey everybody, look at this. There's a big tub of chocolate sauce over here..."

"Don't drink it, Michi, it's probably for the aliens."

"It'll give you zits."

"Is that a dragon?"

"Where's that cider?"

Albert smiled. So nice to see them enjoying themselves. He still wished they could get the
exhibition part over so he could relax. After that, it wouldn't matter. He got himself another
drink, one eye still on the girls. Halfway down his second, he spotted potential trouble.

Michi was talking to one of the aliens, or trying to. His translator wasn't set for English or
Japanese, but he seemed to have picked up some of the former tongue on his own. She was
trying to look modest and demure whilst obviously fascinated by her new friend's physical
attributes. He was tall (about eight feet), dark and handsome if you like a lupine
physiognomy, fangs and all. Since fur was all he wore, his masculinity was not in dispute.
Michi was trying to keep her gaze above his waist, and trying not to blush. He was obviously
interested in her and she seemed flattered by the attention. Albert strained to eavesdrop
without being noticed doing it. If the Werewolf spilled the beans, he'd be in deep shit. Deep
shit? Must be the translator program, Albert thought muzzily, I'm starting to get a grip on
English...

"You quite a catch," he thought he heard the Werewolf say. "Very tasty dish, yes? My English
not so good, sorry."

"It's really very good," Michi simpered, as demurely as was possible given her nudity.

"Thanking you. Who bring you?"

"Albert." Michi waved a hand towards him.

"Must be very good hunter," the furry one said. Albert puffed up with pride but had to wonder
if the conversation was getting too near the knuckle. It was hard to keep track of everything
going on. The Sirian had arrived in a motorised fishtank where he lay half submerged,
attended by four mermaids, aquatic humanoids from his own planet. [Another note of
explanation to the curious and discerning reader is in order here. Don't worry, it will be even
briefer than the last one. Mermaids don't have fish tails, just webbed hands and feet and
slightly piscine features.}

"Hunter? He's our sponsor." Whew, Albert thought.

"I not know this word."

Michi tried to explain what she thought was going on, to the Werewolf's bemusement and
Albert's anxiety. Thankfully, the language barrier thwarted mutual comprehension. At last, the
pair floundered onto common ground , or seemed to.

"Yes, this is right, we want to know Earth people better, what are they taste."

"What are our tastes?"

"Yes, I say this wrong?"

"No, not wrong exactly, just ..."

"I have you to dinner later, please?"

"I'd like that very much," Michi said, blushing again. Her parents would definitely not approve.

Albert would have been climbing the walls, if Space Toads could climb. Even the ale couldn't
relieve his tension completely. On top of this, he was just a bit miffed at the way the
overgrown Lupine was seducing one of his darlings. Jealousy is a terrible thing, he reproved
himself. He should be pleased his girls were proving popular....

There was a noise like someone belching into an overloaded amplifier and a flickering of the
lights.

"Welcome, fellow beings, to the fourteenth convention of the..."

Albert tuned out the opening speech by the stuffed skin on the stage. If you've heard one
opening speech by some pompous nonentity, you've heard them all. Kimiko was trying to get
his attention.

"Mr Albert, Sir? What's happening?" She seemed anxious.

"Don't worry, this is part of the programme. This is where each group of Earth people and
other humanoids is introduced to the meeting by their sponsors." He was trying to keep his
empathic link attuned to Michi, alert for any signs of panic if the cross-purpose conversation
she was blundering through finally became clear. "You'd better get the group together."

Kimiko set about doing this, as the first group of humans was led onto the stage by a
nighmarish insectile creature of a species Albert knew little about. Zaarbi? Something like
that. Nasty looking thing, Albert thought. The creature waved its antennae about while
producing a series of clicks which its translator rendered into passable Galactic Standard.
The group of young, dark-skinned human women stood by passively. Africans, Albert
guessed, quite a ripe looking bunch. Kimiko meanwhile had managed to drag Michi away
from her furry friend.

"Bye, G'naarf," she said by way of parting. "Meet you later?"

"Meat, yes. It be my great pleasure to have you." He waved a salute and disappeared into
the crowd.

"What's the matter with them?" Mariko hissed, indicating the humans. "They look like
zombies."

"Probably a bit nervous," Kimiko said. Albert detected a flicker of edginess in her too, but she
didn't let it show.

"There's something odd....." Mariko trailed off. She seemed uncertain, her mood hard to read.
If she was really getting alarmed, Albert thought, it would have dawned on her that there was
nothing she could do except hope she was wrong. Michi was in a romantic daze, and the
other three seemed oblivious. They were more than a little drunk and the whole scene must
have begun to seem half familiar and half unreal, as strange and new things do through an
alcoholic haze.

Albert occupied himself and them by rendering bogus summaries of what the various
monstrous 'sponsors' on stage were actually saying as each group took its turn. What they
were really doing was boasting about the quality of their catches and their skill in catching
them. He could hardly wait for his own turn, and not a moment too soon it came.

"That's us," he informed the group when his name was called, and led them onto the podium.
They dutifully trooped after him and lined up on stage, to a chorus of exotic whoops, snarls
and hoots that they had to assume was applause.

Albert introduced the girls by name, and each of them bowed politely and waved as her
name was called. After that he launched into a spirited monologue in a Galactic language he
had previously explained his translator couldn't handle for tham, so they had to occupy
themselves smiling at the audience and seeing the sights. Things looked different from this
vantage. There were far more humans than aliens, mostly in groups, all of them youngish,
naked and nicely built. All wearing ribbons. Kimiko felt another twinge of unease. It reminded
her of something, but she couldn't think what, she couldn't seem to think clearly.

In sonorous tones, Albert held forth about his daring and ingenious exploit in abducting all six
of the girls from a college changing room, filling in the background with explanatory asides
about conditions in American society and the constant danger of discovery by the civil
authorities or worse, the dreaded Men in Black. Some of the audience had personal
knowledge of those shadowy and terrifying beings and empathised. It was indeed a harrowing
tale, and nobody tried to boo him offstage even though he did drag it out a bit. That, or they
were content to stare at the girls and decide which of them they wanted to see more of.

Finally Albert wound down, and the girls left the stage with relief. "What a fucking cattle call,"
Mariko muttered. "Where's G'naarf?" Michi wanted to know.

"I think he's on next," Albert said hastily.

And there he was, flanked by two very buxom blonde ladies with professionally trimmed
pubic hair and blue ribbons around their upper thighs. Not a large catch, but quality if you like
the Playboy model type, Albert had to admit. Since a Werewolf (no, not really, but the term
will suffice) couldn't eat more than one whole woman at a sitting it was a fair enough
contribution.

"Who are those hussies?" Michi snarled.

"Just his guests, Michi," Kimiko soothed. "Anyway, he's not really your type. Species, I
mean..."

"Look how they're fawning on him!" Michi was indignant. The blonde girls were indeed
snuggling up to the big furry dog in a manner unbecoming to interstellar ambassadors. Albert
could have told her that his species used pheromones to ensnare their prey much as he did,
but it wasn't the time. Michi watched tight-lipped.

The exhibition ended, to Albert's relief, soon after that. He didn't even care if he got the prize,
he just wanted the stress over and the party proper to start. And it looked as though it was
about to. The other semi-inebriated Space Monsters were loosening up and relaxing, as
usually happens at formal parties once enough intoxicants have been ingested and the
boring speeches are over. On an impulse, Albert poured an unopened keg of his
Aldebaranian Swamp Brewed Rotgut into the communal punch bowl. That should liven things
up, he thought.

Some of the humans present were exhibiting signs of increased tension or excitement, there
was a definite atmosphere of expectancy, like the ambiguous feelings experienced before a
thunderstorm. Something was about to happen. Albert waited with mixed feelings himself,
any minute now his charges would know what was really going on and the charade would be
over, then he could decide who he was going to eat. He hadn't made his mind up yet, one of
those voluptuous blondes would be quite nice, and he was sure G'naarf would trade him one
for Michi, but there were so many others...

Speaking of whom, G'naarf was here again. Michi waved and came over, trying not to look
too eager.

"You mind I take this one eat now?" He asked Albert politely.

It was a poignant moment for Albert. The first of his catch to be chosen! Jealousy was silly,
he had known what was going to happen and at least the overgrown dog had the grace to ask
first. There was no graceful way to refuse. He just hoped the furry bastard would be discreet
about it.

"Be my guest," he said with forced magnanimity.

"Thanking you."

G'naarf and Michi went off hand in paw, mouthing sweet nothings. Did he really hear her
complimenting him on his big, beautiful teeth? Around the room, the Space Monsters were
exchanging humans. Mariko was watching the proceedings with a wary eye. Something
about all this seemed familiar and not at all in a nice way.

"What's happening now?" Kimiko asked him. Out of the corner of his left eye (he could use
them independently when he had to) he saw a woman being dunked head first into the vat of
chocolate sauce by the creature from Draco. He shuddered. Chocolate sauce! Some beings
had no finer feelings at all.

"Well..." Albert began. He started to formulate another rationalisation about cultural
exchange but he was interrupted by an exclamation.

"He ate her!" Mariko exclaimed. "Did you see that? That dragon thing just ate somebody!"

Kimiko looked around, really looked. A fair-skinned, slender woman was lying on a table
nearby, being licked all over by a group of Morlocks. It could have been a nice, normal orgy
but she sensed that it wasn't. She looked back to Albert, her face pale and her eyes wide with
shock and betrayal. Albert had nothing to say, no glib words left.