Posted by nigel1 on June 08, 2002 at 07:48:49:
The classrooms were buzzing that morning as never before, the poor coeds, especially, tended to look and act defiled. Some of the women, and most of the young men, knew what to do. They stuck out their lower jaws, gritted their teeth, gnashing on the stems of imaginary corncob pipes. They tried very hard not to entertain any images of such pipes stuffed with dog turds. They said to each other, that it was the work of some SICK person, that it was a SICK act. SICK was the operative word. It was a good and reassuring word in this context. One young woman turned to the young man sitting next to her, in the assembly hall (for Dr. Brown had felt it necessary to call an assembly of the students and address them all) and said, You know, I actually feel sorry for that person, for anyone who'd do such a SICK act. The young man blushed to the roots of his closely cropped blonde hair, because he had been sneaking furtive glances at the girl, thinking what fun it would be to strip her naked, rape her, and stick a bayonet into her tummy.
Dr. Brown entered the assembly hall, which doubled duty as the Magna Carta Room, knowing that he had to do some fast talking before the starch ran out of everyone. He had seen it before, in battle, an event that caused the starch to run like blood. A psychic wound could do that. It could let out all the starch.
He specialized in Biblical Economics. The gist of his regular course was that God owned all the money in the world. A number of interesting consequences followed from that premise. Economics was one of the reasons he had founded the Academy. He wanted some of God's money to flow through his bank account. In the process of setting up the Academy he had decided that the Bible was the only proper foundation of an American Education. It was a Divine Book, after all, and if you could read between the lines you'd see accurate and timely prophecies concerning the rise of the United States, the rise and fall of Communism, the menace of Liberalism/Humanism, and the central role of the General Douglas A. (Arthur) McArthur American Freedom Academy in forming an elite cadre of Americans who would preserve distinctively American Values in the coming WEIRD TIMES. Surely the world approached the end times, and it would take a lot of starch, not to mention fiber, to fight off all the alien hordes with their unamerican ideas and heathen values and perverted false religeons. He was confidant that a close examination of the Good Book would reveal a prophecy concerning this very incident, of the DEFILEMENT BY EXCREMENTS. If he handled this well, he might get his financial backers, mostly conservative Texas Oilmen, to pony up more of God's money.
"HARRRRUMPH!" He cleared his throat for attention. Silence fell.
"The Bible," he began, brandishing the Book, "is our guide in these matters, and instead of turning to some specific chapter and verse, let's just contemplate what this book does for us. It shows us how not to be animals! It teaches us that God owns all the money in the world! And the Godly are the custodians of that money. Nobody else has a right to it! Even after the Fall, Adam and Eve had no idea of how to live in the world, and so the Bible was given unto them, if they would but have the eyen to see, and the earen to hear! Oh, but it takes a LOT of money to fight the evil in this world, and now we see how the enemies of America launch psychological warfare against the righteous! I can tell you right now it's going to take many thousands of dollars to scrub that statue clean! And I don't want to hear anybody here doing any volunteering! No! Let us instead take up a collection! You can write a check right now, payable to me personally, or to the Academy. You can call your parents and alert them, and let them know how desperately we need increased funding for our various America First operations! Send money! And let's use this money to hire some of these alien cultures, some of these immigrants and migrants from further shores, to scrub that defiled statue clean! Teach 'em a lesson! Learn respect! Yes! I don't want you or anyone else to forget that General McArthur was sent by God, to teach us the Answers: Honor, Duty, Patriotism! And to teach us the Purpose: GOD!
And never forget, that the whole and entire point of creation itself is: AMERICA! And this country will survive only so long as it holds true to the teachings contained in THIS BOOK! Even savages know these things in a dim way. Don't they all want to come to America? You put God's teachings into practice with military discipline-- a strong fighting military coupled with an armed citizenry, adhering to the teachings in THIS BOOK! And with the aid of Honor, Duty, and Patriotism, we shall prevail. And we shall be one with GOD!"
He turned and stalked away from the podium, to general applause.