Posted by A Man Who Wasn't There on October 19, 2005 at 00:22:58:
Holly socks! What an amazing bunch of talents . You people are a living proof that Darwin was wrong. Forget about apes, humanity must’ve descended from dodos .
I’ve read your stories and I’m touched. I’m devastated .I’m overwhelmed.
I’m suing.
Here’s how I feel about it.
Blondie goes BBQ - by Rathead
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Silence speaks louder than words, so Rathead decided to say nothing.
He offers us a piece of eye candy instead. A good idea that deserves an A+ for originality, but where’s the damn story ?
Fairy Story -by Childe
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Four lines?
The good bit is that it takes a couple of seconds to read and therefore - unlike most other stories - saves you from the prolonged headache-inducing exposure to bullshit.
GILLIGAN GETS OFF - by C
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Now here’s what we can call (with a sinful degree of approximation ) a story . It uses WORDS instead of photos, it has a BEGINNING and an END ! In a contest like this, what else can one hope for?
It also comes with lots of audio effects ( Half the story is composed of phrases like : “Oh oh aaahhhhhhh” and “Eeeeee eeeeeeee ooooooooooo” etc ). Not to mention the writer’s brilliant use of one of the greatest all American inventions of the 20th century , the Laugh Track !
The plot is good. The humor is more or less OK, there are few spots which, regardless of the laugh track, are genuinely funny. There’s also a rape scene , an ape and lots of bananas. In other words all what’s required to make a tremendously bad story. Nice work C.
Glebes - By PK
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There’s something masterful about this story which I can’t name. There’s probably some deeply hidden meaning there, too deep that no one but the writer could safely fish out. All in all the best example of the art of Existential-Stealth-Para-Real-Introversive writing as it comes to camouflage, so much so that I’m willing to bet that even the writer himself didn’t know what he was doing.
Is it a bad story? Only PK can tell. Is the writer a genius or an idiot or one pretending to be the other? No one below the level of a hyper advanced God could know . Being the mere mortal I am I don’t think I’m fit to judge this amazing piece of genuinely paradoxical whatsits.
He Alien - by Roleplay
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What could happen when a hungry space alien who managed to work as Bob Marley’s drummer finally meets the fat girl of his twisted dreams?
You get a real BAD story. That’s what.
Though the story is short, it’s loaded with brilliant tricks of language and style. The writer goes all the way to invent a whole new English to authenticate the alien’s voice. The story is composed of short separate lines which have the offensive quality of military telegrams . Each line is made up of simple, desecrate, and freakishly picturesque phrases, trimmed but so expressive. The result -amazingly enough - is almost poetic!
IMHTO : A very imaginative and rhythmic piece of alien shit. Kadus Mr. Roleplay.
Hyperspace Is Just A Place, And I Don't Go There Anymore - by NL
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With the threads of gloom, despondency and hopeless manic depression, NL weaves a more or less funny story guaranteed to make you sad. That’s bad.
The story is mangled up in a way so revealing of the tortured mind behind it (probably as a result of smoking much too much “Pookah Leafs”). It starts from nowhere, progresses into no direction and sounds like a whining child who had lost his mom in the mall.
Nevertheless, it shows glimpses of a very powerful writing skill and a weird capacity for dark humor. The good bit is that NL was only warming up. He later hits us with a real blast of creativity, but that’s another story.
Jack Manly takes a walk - By Kojak
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Some might believe that talking nonsense could be labeled as “humor”. This-as Kojak’s clearly shows us - is not entirely true !
Kojak’s “stream of consciousness” style is a lame duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, but one that’s actually lame as a result of stepping on a tiny land-mine or something. A cross eyed one too, and yet Kojak insists to force this duck to dance the rumba blindfolded and invites us to watch! That’s all I can say about his style.
His words waddle all the way along the edge of humor without ever reaching it. He tries to make a parody of something but neither a parody is made nor the “something” is clear and you just get a terrible headache in the end.
I’m trying to say something good about this story because , you know, the guy is the one who instigated the whole contest idea and he sure deserves some hypocrisy but it’s such a tough job and I don’t know how to do it. The only good thing is that -even as far as lousy literature goes- this is a very very bad story. Maybe that’s some sort of an achievment?
Jack The Great - by Israeli Guy
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A short and almost funny story, which serves as a nice -well deserved- slap on the jackal’s face. Once that said there’s nothing else to add, because-simply-there’s nothing more to the story. All in all a nice try . Keep the good work IG.
John the Conquistador - by Moore
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The only guaranteed result of committing the inadvisable act of reading the whole text of this story is having the words “John the Conquistador, Master John the Heroic, Alpha Male” imprinted on your retina for a week.
That’s not because John’s character was so craftily written, but simply because 90% of the story is composed of repeating the phrase “John the Conquistador, Master John the Heroic, Alpha Male” again and again until you’re in dire need to strangle “John the Conquistador, Master John the Heroic, Alpha Male” slowly with your bare hands , rest a few minutes then proceed to do the same thing to the writer who thought that pure monotonous redundancy is funny.
The writer, obviously, deserves The Nellie, maybe even a bullet in the head too.
The Maddicks - by Emily
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The lady is crazy, psychotic, and a drooling lunatic whose vision of the world is darker than a truck load of assholes. But guess what: she can write!
Actually she’s too good at it that she can make your mind reel , either with utter disgust or total admiration. You can’t be moderate when it comes to some one as brilliantly insane as Emily!
Believing that the world is mad and that people are exactly as pathetic and delusional as they are, Emily somehow manages to present this truth as if there were great joy to be taken from it ! And somehow there is ! Whether you fully agree or angrily refute all what she says you just can’t stop laughing . As far as I’m concerned this is the funniest submission in this God forsaken contest, and much of the story’s humor is derived from clear-eyed , pragmatic and very disturbing cynicism.
A masterful work of a girl who knows how the beasts behind the fabric of reality look like, and smiles a mischievous childish smile as she brings you their heads on a tray.
Snowballs and other stories: The worst of Rachel Ross - by Rache
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Like every schoolboy does. Rache knows how to use words. Her language is correct, her metaphors are appropriate, her stories have the classical Beginning-Climax-End. In short she can write her stories the same way any good wife can prepare breakfast daily. There’s nothing new here. Good cooking, no spices.
The humor is there, but its -more or less- of the same quality of TV dialogue. How many Sienfield’s and Malcolm in the Middle’s can you safely watch before becoming able of writing your own parody? Only Tim can tell, where Tim is any average quaking box addict.
Yet, after reading the long text Rache submitted , one should admit that -at least- she knows how to tell a story. She even masters the male-eye-view of sex , a quality exceedingly rare among girls. Her words reflect a wide and diverse experience in life and a good eye for the attitudes of different people.
Nice work , even if it wasn’t screamingly genuine or hilariously funny.
Spare Me these Complications - by NL
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Try to run and pray you can hide, a real master have landed, and he’s shooting his mental armor piercing delusions at you. If they ever hit the spot you’re in trouble.
If you replace the name NL with Kurt Vonnegut I would believe you. If you add Terry Pratchet instead I would think it’s the best short story Pratchet have ever written. Gloomy or not, NL is playing in the pro league . Each idea is a new feet in dark humor, each paragraph is a master piece.
What makes this story bad? Exactly the same stuff that makes it great. A wonderful parody that hits you with the axe of gloom and slits your throat with the most unmerciful humor. NL is particularly good in using paradoxes and double intenders and stuffing his words with contradicting meanings in a way that never fails to deliver an ounce of poisonous fun, or two.
Teenage Hitgirls For The Mob - by Chips Rafferty.
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An average snuff story with faint vestiges of humor. Not exactly what you’d expect on a BAD story contest, but at least it was on topic, and in that regard , a good one.
Three Pigs -by Childe
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James Joyce himself could have never written such a story, not even the hobo who lives by the nearest garbage-can can .
Childe have his own method, and could use it to write bad stories until the skies collapse. I’ve been reading each of them cause they always got better with time. The only glitch though is that he keeps repeating the same method over and over . If this trend doesn’t change, the child-narrator will soon risk boring the hell out of everybody’s soul.
The Wookie Like Bartender - by John Oliva
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Some nonsense isn’t funny, but yet, some nonsense is so nonsensical that you can’t stop laughing !
Want to know the difference, read this story.
John Oliva proves that even if you throw reason out of the window, say absolutely nothing coherent, and fuck logic in every pore including both of it’s nostrils you can still come out with a hilarious story.
The greatest aspect of this short and very funny story is the writer’s ability to deceive the readers expectations each and every time . Short but wonderful. Viva Oliva.
Zombie Master - by Kojak
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Apparently, Kojak loves to make people’s lives hard. I prayed that his second story would offer me the faintest chance to polish the apple and tell him what a genius he is. But prayer isn’t the way to get things done when it comes to a sinner like me .
Nevertheless, a good complement, even a false one, never hurts, so I’ll try my best.
What the hell did you think you were doing Kojy? I mean when you sat in front of your greasy monitor determined to fumble with your dusty ashtray of a keyboard what did you have in mind? I hope you know because I don’t, and that’s probably because what you have written is far beyond my judging capacity. Something so unbelievably brilliant that when average dudes like me try to read it they wouldn’t understand a single phrase and might even get bored before finishing the first paragraph and keep cursing themselves for volunteering to comment on something written by you.
If this was the case, you’ve done a great job. So great that I consider it a terminal, life changing experience which have finally shown me the light and charged my soul with the inner truth of the universe from which I learnt that no matter what I would do in the future I should never be a judge in any contest again. Especially this one .
And now , the results.
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The Nellie ( i.e. The Worst Worst Story Award , i.e. the award to the one who doesn’t know the difference between writing and shitting through the nose, i.e. the honorary equivilant of farting, etc.)
And The Nellie goes to : Moore
By far the easiest decision one had to make in years . If anyone enjoyed reading “John the Conquistador” I don’t want to see him, unless behind bars.
As for the official 3 winners .
The Third place goes to : John Oliva ( 1 pt)
The Wookie-Like bartender is a clear example of what a bad story is : Good humor, funny style, creativly twisted narration and lots of well crafted nonsense.
The second place goes to : NL (2 pts)
“Spare me these complications” is a great parody . The style is awesome and new, the metaphors are masterfully utilized. A joy to read and an excellent bad story !
The first Place goes to :Emily (4 pts)
“The Maddicks” is one of the craziest stories I’ve ever read in one of the craziest lifetimes anyone could manage to live. The style is genuinely creative, the feverish imagination is beyond scary . The whole thing is so wildly funny that the jokes keep chasing you long after you’ve read them. A perfect caricature .
Thank you everyone. Without your contributions this could’ve been fun. Don't do it again.
Waiting to receive the delayed bribes and death threats.