Posted by Israeli guy on September 18, 2001 at 11:50:15:
(m/ff crucification, boiling alive, hanging, non-consensual, blaspheme)
Yes, it is time to unveil the horrible truth, we did kill Jesus. And this is how it happened :
It was Passover again, and we needed the blood to bake our bread. "Why not go find ourselves some little Christian kids ?," asked avrum. I looked at him with a stare : "What's a Christian ?". "I don't know," he replied, "but the manual explicitly says that's how they are baked". "How about some Palestinian children, their blood should do," dave said. "Sorry, none of these around yet too", I reply. "Sharks !", says dave, "what year is it anyway ?". "About 40 AC", explained Ariel, "and the only Christians around are Jesus and another 12, none of them are children, and they consider themselves Jews, it just stinks".
"Why don't we kill Jesus ?," I said, "I knew he sees himself as a Jew, but at least he is the closest thing to a Christian we have around here." Avrum, Dave, and Ariel were nodding, they also thought it made sense. "Yes, but there's a problem", said Ariel, "the romans hold him in a dark cell after Judas has ratted on him, that he's going around calling himself 'king of the Jews'"
"Well lets go there and make them Crucify him !", I said, "his blood will be dripping all over the place, and we can just take it and have a nice holiday."
Everyone was happy we found a good solution. We went to Pilatus sitting in the palace, having a whore suck on his dick. "Hi pili," I say, "what's up ?". He showed me his dick. "What's cooking ?", he showed me a big pot with a young girl in it, fire underneath. "how's it swinging ?", a slave removed a curtain that showed a young woman hanging by her neck. "What's ... oh never mind, I hope its not a bad time." All he gave me was an angry face, and shoot his load with a sigh of relief. When he recovered, he asked angrily, "What the f*&* do you want ?". "Its about Jesus," I said, "we want him dead, with blood dripping, if you know what I mean". "Fuck Jesus," he said, "what do I get killing him ?". I gave him some coins and he was satisfied, saying : "Execution will be tomorrow, now fuck off". "Thanks pili, you romans won't regret this, the man is a pain in the butt", I said, and we went.
Tomorrow morning we went to the execution area. Jesus was there walking with his cross, and we were telling him to move faster. It was almost the middle of Passover, and we still had no bread. The idiot was going too slow. "Jesus !" I said angrily. "What ?," Jesus said. "No I wasn't talking to you, stupid." I was even more angry by now, "I meant, Christ !". "What ?," Jesus said again, thinking that I was referring to him. "I'm not talking to you, dumb ass", I screamed, "why don't you listen till the end ? Didn't your whore of a mother tell you that ? Santa Maria !". "What ?", said his mother. But I wasn't listening anymore. In front of me was the crucification hill. We finally got there. "Holy shit !", I yelled gladly at the beautiful sight. "What ?," he said again, but my frustration was getting lower because they finally nailed him to the cross. They erected the cross, and the blood was falling from his hands, with our buckets underneath to collect it. Everyone was very happy, we sang and danced and insulted him. Three days later someone said he was alive and going around. "Yeh, and so is Elvis", I remarked. But out of curiosity, we searched and found out it was just ugly Betsy, the woman with the beard. They look very much alike.
Israeli guy.