Posted by Clemstra on August 15, 2004 at 23:48:36:
copyright 2003 Clemstra
Give Us Tentacle Sex - by Clemstra
"Tentacle sex" said the angry group of women.
I looked at them, they looked really pissed. "There must
be some sort of mistake" said the frumpled and frightened man
who was me.
"No mistake" said an angry Asian woman shaking her small
fist. "You advertised your web site as having tentacle
sex and WHAT do we get when we pay our membership?
EVERYTHING BUT tentacle sex."
The other women looked like they might get violent, as
I tried backing up to make a run for the back door. A
tall muscular woman beat me to the back door, blocking
my exit.
"Oh no you don't Mr. money back guaranteed," she said.
"Your video's are no better then your web site," shouts
a vicious looking red head. She looks like she could kill
a man easily with those stiletto heals.
"I promise you ladies, it was all a misunderstanding." I
swallowed, my throat feeling dry with fear. "I even have a
special club JUST for the tentacled sex ladies membership.
Why as fate would have it, we are planning on a floor show
tomorrow that will be broadcast live on our website - live."
"You BETTER have" says a woman in a G I Jane outfit, she is
armed to the teeth. Those G I woman take these things seriouesly.
I wondered if there were any tentacled men who owed me a favor.
Reaching into the depth of my mind I remembered a supposed
high school head master who DID owe me a favor. Rumor says
this high school has a LOT of off world support, surely some
of the star faring races that visit earth might have tentacles,
or other such appendages. "Yes, yes, ladies I can guarantee
there will be some tentacles, ps - Check the website for details."
They looked at me as if not trusting what I said. Okay, I can
understand that, they were right, I'd cheated them and if I
thought I'd get away with it would do so again. "We KNOW
were you live, more importantly" said one with glasses, "We
have all your credit card numbers and will destroy your web
site and personal life if you DO NOT come through."
Shit, a hacker among them, never piss off the hackers, I'd
learned that the hard way. "No, really" said I. "By this
Friday the web site will have all the details and will also
broadcast live for those that cannot attend the live performance.
We will also get that tentacle sex section BACK up. Obviously
something happened to our site and I do apologize," I told them.
They didn't look like they were buying it, but hopefully I'd
have something for them soon.
First I got on the line to a Hollywood producer I had some
incriminating photo's of. Amazing what they could do with
special effects. I figured we'd do a porno film with a well
endowed male star. They could add some special effects tentacles
and get an actress to pretend she was orgasming to the tentacle
effects when they supposably touched the appropriate places.
For the live show and more tentacles, long feely things and other
type appendages...I hoped my contact at a certain Japanese High
school might come through. He did come through, after I reminded
him of a few things he did when drunk one fine day. But that's
neither here nor there and really it's so Speciest anyway.
The floor show had pseudo pods, tentacles and elastic alien bodies
a plenty. The show started with Mr. Tentacle, he lived up to his
name. He was a human looking man with something EXTRA, his
muscular hairy chest oiled to reflect the light for the floor
show. His long tentacled arms swayed with the beat of the music.
He occasionally would whip out a tentacled arm to stroke teasingly
a women audience member. I hoped the police were NOT noticing that
part, that no touching rule again. Or was it just the audience
that's not supposed to touch the entertainment?
We had Mr. Bluppie next, I think he/it was a Mr. anyway. Imagine
a giant green jello mold that can dance, sing and makes shapes
in sexually suggestive shapes. That was Mr. Bluppie, he got a lot
of money thrown his way. All of the entertainers did, including
Mr. silly putty, wow did the ladies like him. He advertised that
he could just FLOW into ANY orifice and really vibrate a ladies
problems away. There was Mr. Swim In ME - imagine if your warm
fluid water in a swimming pool was alive, sentient and there to
please and you have Mr. Swim In Me.
The women went wild, they threw money, they screamed, threw
open their blouses, offered these alien sailors a great many
inducements to come home with them and set up house. I had to
intervene when the women tried getting on stage and grabbing the
alien men (again I think the aliens were all male). The law
specifies NO TOUCHING of exotic dancers in these clubs you know.
Now that is how of course all this came about. I did NOT set
up Mrs. Potive with an alien lover. If she went with one of
the dancers AFTER the show, I can NOT be held accountable. Yes
I know she was ninety years of age. Got to admit she had spirit
though, I mean what a way to go. She kept Mr. Vibrate active
and happy I hear for over ten hours straight. No wonder she
had a heart attack! Mr. Vibrate is all torn up over it, he
really liked the old gal. I hear the undertakers had to
work over four hours to get the smile off her face.
Hey, now that is NOT a way to behave for an officer of the court.
Lousy system, my lawyers say I should plead insanity. I wonder
what the food is like in the booby hatch?