Posted by The Black Knight on March 21, 2000 at 07:05:17:
(Remember folks this is only a fantasy, and it is fiction)
Disclaimer over let the story begin:
The House of Cards
by
The Black Knight
It was a clear sunny day over Southern California and the sun lit up the newly constructed colisseum better than artificial lights could. A man in a tuxedo came up onto the stand over looking the arena and stopped in front of a microphone. He looked over the overflowing grandstands and smiled, after all this was his show.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I welcome you to the first annual celebrity elimination tournament." he shouted into the microphone.
After about five minutes of cheering, whistling, and screaming he began to speak again:
"Each celebrity is represented by a card in an ordinary playing deck, from which I will draw the contestants so they all have a four in fifty two chance of getting picked. They will duel to the death in front of you and the winner will go on to face the next challenger. The challenger of course gets her choice of weapons for the duel. Ladies and Gentlemen, let the games begin.
He held up a deck of playing cards and lay them on a table beside him. A lovely young woman in a Vegas show girl outfit shuffled the deck, cut it, and handed it back to him. He turned over the first two cards.
"The Five of Hearts and the Deuce of Clubs. Paula Marshall and Catherine Bell, come on down." he said into the microphone.
A door on the side of the arena opened and two raven haired bombshells were pushed into the open space. Both wore skin tight white bodysuits. Paula, the smaller of the two had the number five emblazoned on her left shoulder and right hip. Catherine the taller and slimmer of the two had a number two emblazoned on her left shoulder and right hip.
"Catherine, as the challenger, the choice of weapons is yours." the ringmaster said into the microphone.
Catherine walked to a table in front of his stand. One the table were laid out two of each weapon: guns complete with belts and holsters, crossbows with full quivers of bolts, dueling swords, spears. Catherine smiled as she picked up a knife. Paula walked over to the table and picked up the other knife. They backed away from the table and looked toward the stand.
"Begin." the ringmaster shouted.
Paula crouched ready to defend herself from Catherine's charge. Instead Catherine did something that Paula didn't expect. Catherine threw her knife at her smaller opponent. Paula's deep brown eyes narrowed as her lips pulled back in a grimace of pain. Paula dropped her knife as she stumbled back and looked down in shock at Catherine's knife stuck just below her sternum.
"Aaahhhh!" Paula grunted as she fell to her knees crying in pain.
Catherine walked over to Paula, grabbed a handful of her hair, and lifted her to her feet. Catherine grabbed the knife and twisted it up under Paula's breastbone, slicing Paula's lungs and heart. Paula pressed her lips together and her cheeks puffed out slightly. She opened her mouth to speak, but blood flooded her mouth came over her lower lip as she fell. Paula was dead. Catherine smiled as she looked around at the cheering crowd. Five men came into the arena. One of them pulled the knife out of Paula, picked up Paula's knife, and replaced them on the table. Two men carried Paula's fresh corpse out of the arena through a back door. The remaining two men washed the blood off of Catherine's body as best they could. The ringmaster held up his hand and the men exited the arena. His assistant shuffled the cards again and he turned over the top card.
"Seven of Diamonds, the lovely Ms. Jenna Elfman."
The door opened into the arena again and a perky blonde swaggered into the arena.
"Choose your weapon Jenna." the ringmaster said.
Jenna fairly laughed as she picked up one of the dueling swords. Catherine looked uneasy as she picked up the other one. They walked out to the middle of the arena and waited.
"Fight."
Jenna lunged toward Catherine and she parried the thrust with a slight grunt.
"You do know that you can give up now." Jenna said with a smile as she stepped back.
A couple more thrusts and Catherine struggled to parry them. Jenna laughed as she walked around Catherine.
"You're not very good with swords are you?" Jenna asked.
Jenna made another thrust toward Catherine's chest. Catherine stepped aside and held her sword out.
"Huuullhh!" Jenna gasped as her momentum carried her forward, belly first onto the wire like blade.
Jenna grimaced as Catherine yanked the sword free.
"How...you're...terrible at fencing?" Jenna gasped as she folded her hands on her belly.
Catherine grabbed Jenna's sword, spun both swords in her hands and drove the tips into Jenna's large breasts.
"Aaaaagghhh!" Jenna spat as she fell back.
She lay flopping like a beached fish, but she was already dead. Catherine fell to a seated position panting heavily as the men came in to remove Jenna's body and replace the weapons.
"Two wins in a row, good showing Catherine." the ringmaster said over the cheering crowd.
The ringmaster took the deck of cards after the shuffle and turned over the next card.
"Your next opponent is the Nine of Spades, Janeane Garofalo."
Janeane muttered to herself as she was pushed into the arena. In spite of her opinion of herself she filled out her white bodysuit very well. She curled a strand of her long black hair on her finger as she walked toward the table. She picked up the gun belt and fastened it around her slender waist. Catherine shuddered as she fastened the other gun belt.
"The rules for this particular weapon are interesting. It's the same as an old fashioned gun fight, who ever is the fastest draw lives." the ringmaster said.
Catherine and Janeane walked out the middle of the arena and stood ready.
"Draw." the ringmaster shouted.
Both women reached for their guns, but Janeane made it first. Just as the barrel of Catherine's gun cleared the holster she heard a gunshot.
"Oooohhhhh!" Catherine screamed as hot lead burned into her belly just above her belt buckle.
Catherine's knees buckled as she spun clutching her bloody belly. As she turned to face Janeane again Catherine raised her gun to shoot. Janeane fanned her revolver three times.
"UUnhh! Uhhnh! OOOoo!" Catherine moaned as the bullets stitched a line across her large bosom.
Her light blue eyes rolled upward as she fell back spitting up blood. Catherine was dead. Janeane put reholstered her gun and unbuckled the belt as men came in to carry Catherine's body out.
"Good work Janeane, you unseated a great champion."
The ringmaster's assistant shuffled the cards again and handed them back to him.
"Your first challenger is the Four of Diamonds, Brittney Spears."
The door opened again and Brittney Spears fairly slid into the arena expecting a round of cheers, which she got. Her body suit was so tight on her body that her big deep navel showed through it. She fairly danced over to the table enjoying the crowd's response to her arrival. Brittney smiled as she picked up a spear. She was a fairly short woman, but Janeane was shorter and Brittney knew that she would have a hard time managing such a large weapon. Janeane and Brittney walked out the middle of the arena, which by now was pretty well blood soaked ground.
"Begin."
Janeane did all she could with a spear, she threw it toward Brittney. Brittney smiled as she side-stepped the weapon and walked toward Janeane.
"Oh come on I'm just doing what I was paid to come here and..." Janeane began with an innocent smile on her face.
Janeane was cut off as Brittney pushed the point of her spear into Janeane's pudgy belly.
"Ohhh, now that can't be good." Janeane grunted.
Janeane grimaced as Brittney turned the spear twice and yanked it free, tearing Janeane's intestines out of her body. A look of resignation came over Janeane's face as she crumpled over her own guts. Janeane was dead. Brittney held her spear up and spun around looking over the whole crowd. She walked back to the table as the men carried Janeane's body out.
"That was an easy victory for Ms. Spears, let's see how she does on the next one." the ringmaster said as he took the freshly shuffled deck.
He turned over the top card and smiled.
"Next we have the Six of Hearts, Jennifer Love Hewitt."
The door opened and Jennifer Love Hewitt was pushed out kicking and screaming into the ring. She bit her lip to keep it from quivering as she walked meekly to the table.
"The choice is yours Love."
Jennifer picked up the gun belt and fastened it around her waist. Brittney nodded toward the crowd as she fastened her gun belt. They both walked, in their fashion, to the middle of the ring. Brittney laughed when she saw the scared look on Jennifer's face.
"Do you think you're up to this Love, or do you need to lie down? I'm going to let you lie down here in a minute." Brittney said.
"Draw!" the ringmaster shouted.
As Brittney's hand wrapped around her gun she heard a shot. Brittney's eyes widened as she looked up at Jennifer and the smoking gun in her hand. The single bullet had hit Brittney right in the belly-button.
"Oooohhh! That was a good one Love." Brittney said as she reached for her gun again.
Jennifer fired again. Brittney spun around with a yap of pain. She looked toward Jennifer again, this time blood stood out on her quivering lower lip. The bullet had hit her large right breast and her lung had collapsed. Another shot and Brittney fell flat on her back with a hole in her left breast. Brittney's belly jerked in and out a couple of times as she tried to catch her breath, then fell still as she died. Jennifer unbuckled her gun belt and put it back on the table as they carried Brittney's body out. The ringmaster took the deck from his assistant and turned over the next card.
"Next we have the Three of Hearts, the lovely Ms. Sarah Michelle Gellar." the ringmaster said.
The door opened and Sarah walked slowly toward the table. She looked a bit uncomfortable and quite frankly like her big bosom was about the burst her bodysuit at the seam. Sarah looked down at the table and glumly lifted one of the swords. She shook her head as Jennifer picked the other one up.
"I don't want to do this." Sarah whined.
"Neither do I." Jennifer said as they walked back to the middle of the ring.
"Begin" the ringmaster shouted.
Jennifer half-heartidly thrusted her sword toward Sarah and she easily blocked it. Sarah hacked wildly toward Jennifer's head and Jennifer batted it away. Sarah jerked to her full height as the tip of Jennifer's sword lay to her throat.
"She's beaten, now I can't kill her...she's my friend." Jennifer said toward the ringmaster.
"Kill her Ms. Hewitt." the ringmaster said.
Jennifer looked around wildly as shouts of "kill her" came up from the crowd. Jennifer's hand shook as she lowered her sword.
"I just can't..." Jennifer began.
She was cut off by the sound of tearing flesh. She looked down in surprise to see Sarah holding the hilt of her sword against Jennifer's pudgy belly. The blade stuck through Jennifer's bowels and out her back.
"You...you...ran me through!" Jennifer spat as she looked down into Sarah's big green eyes.
"Better you than me." Sarah said as she yanked the blade free.
Jennifer dropped her sword as she clutched her heavily bleeding belly.
"Oh noo!" Jennifer moaned as Sarah lay the tip of her sword against Jennifer's enormous left breast.
"Quickest and easiest route to your heart Love." Sarah said.
Sarah smiled as she inched the wire thin blade into Jennifer's breast. She guessed at about when it was going to reach her rib and twisted it just before it got there.
"Aaahh!" Jennifer cried as Sarah turned the blade.
The tip missed Jennifer' heart completely, but it punctured her left lung and blood poured from her mouth as she fell. In seconds Jennifer drowned on her own blood. Sarah stepped back toward the table with an angry look on her face.
"Are you happy now?" Sarah said angrily.
"Not yet there several more contestants to go." the ringmaster said.
Sarah slumped to the ground in front of the table crying as they dragged Jennifer's body out of the arena. The ringmaster's assistant shuffled the cards and handed them back to him.
"Sarah's first challenger is the Ace of Clubs, Jennifer Connelly." the ringmaster said.
Jennifer was slightly taller than Sarah and seemed to have the same problem that Sarah did with her bodysuit.
"The choice is yours Jennifer." the ringmaster said as Sarah got to her feet.
Jennifer picked up one of the knives and handed it to Sarah and kept the other one. They walked to the middle of the arena and waited.
"Fight." the ringmaster shouted.
The two combatants walked toward each other slowly waiting for the other to make the first move. Jennifer thrust her knife toward Sarah's belly, but Sarah pushed Jennifer's wrist away with her free hand and plunged her knife deep into Jennifer's belly.
"Ooooohhhhh!" Jennifer screamed as she bent over and fell to her knees.
Sarah grunted as she yanked the knife free and drove it between Jennifer's enormous breasts.
"Aaaaacckk!" Jennifer spat as she fell to her side.
Jennifer was dead. Sarah walked back to the table, not even winded from this short fight. Two men came up to her and washed most of Jennifer's blood off her body as others carried Jennifer's body out.
"Nice victory, but that was far too easy, let's see what fate has in store for you now." the ringmaster said as he took his deck of cards, "The Eight of Hearts, Jeri Ryan."
The tall slender blonde strode to the weapons table with a look of confidence, almost arrogance. Jeri almost laughed as she picked up a crossbow and slung a quiver over her shoulder. Sarah shuddered as she did the same. They walked toward the middle of the arena in silence. Sarah and Jeri both set the string and loaded in a bolt.
"Begin"
Sarah fell to her side and rolled up to one knee, which took Jeri by surprise since she had fired the second she had heard the ringmaster. Sarah took aim as Jeri fumbled for another bolt. Thonk.
"Heeeeeeee!" Jeri screamed as the shaft found its mark in the center of Jeri's large left breast.
She fell back flailing the air and her eyes rolling back in her head. Jeri was dead.
"We are nearing the end of our little tournament and Sarah is looking pretty good." the ringmaster said as he took his deck of cards.
He turned over the top card and smiled.
"Next we have the Ten of Diamonds, the remaining Jennifer, Jennifer Aniston." the ringmaster said.
The willowy brunette smiled as she heard the crowd cheer when she walked through the door. She walked quickly to the table and picked up a sword.
"It's the only thing I'm any good at." Jennifer said with a wince as she looked at Sarah.
Sarah fairly smiled as she picked up her sword and walked back to the middle of the arena.
"Begin." the ringmaster shouted.
Sarah made a quick thrust toward Jennifer's belly, but she danced out of the way and batted the sword away at the same time.
"You're a lot better than I am." Sarah admitted as she parried a quick thrust from Jennifer.
Jennifer turned her wrist and the sword flew out of Sarah's hand.
"Much better." Jennifer said as she lay the tip of her sword to Sarah's pudgy belly.
Sarah's big green eyes looked like they were going to pop out of her head as she felt the blade pierce her belly. Jennifer pulled the blade free and stepped back.
"Oooohhhhhh!" Sarah screamed as she folded her hands on her belly and fell to her knees.
Jennifer made two quick thrusts toward Sarah and it was over.
"Oooh! Ooooo!" Sarah moaned as sword tip darted in and out of her enormous breasts.
Sarah's eyes stared blankly at Jennifer as blood bubbled between her full lips. She fell with a thud to her side. Sarah was dead. Jennifer threw her sword down and turned around to look at the cheering crowd.
"Well done Jennifer, you unseated a great champion." the ringmaster said as he took his cards from his assistant, "Now you must face the Jack of Diamonds, Lisa Kudrow."
Jennifer shuddered as the slender blonde walked solemnly toward the table.
"I don't know if I can kill a friend or not." Jennifer said under her breath.
"Neither do I." Lisa said.
"As always the choice of weapons belongs to the challenger Lisa." the ringmaster said.
Lisa picked up the knives and handed one to Jennifer.
"Might as well get this over with." Lisa said as she walked toward the middle of the arena.
"Fight." the ringmaster shouted.
Lisa ducked under a wild cut from Jennifer and threw her shoulder into Jennifer's large bosom. As Jennifer staggered back Lisa plunged her knife into Jennifer's belly.
"Lisa how could you?" Jennifer gasped as she looked down at the knife in her gut.
"The same as I can do this." Lisa said as she slid the knife up to Jennifer's sternum.
Jennifer looked like she was going to be sick as she stumbled back away from Lisa. Instead of throwing up, her entrails boiled out of her belly in a similar motion. Jennifer collapsed over her own guts, dead. Lisa walked back to the table as men cleaned Jennifer up and dragged her out of the arena. The ringmaster took his deck of cards from his assistant for the last time.
"Our next contestant is the King of Spades, Amy Yasbeck." the ringmaster said.
The slender red head walked sheepishly to the table with a nervous look on her face.
"I don't like this." Amy said as she looked over the table.
Amy picked up the gun belt and fastened it around her waist. She looked around nervously as she walked to the middle of the arena. Lisa fastened her gun belt around her slender waist and joined Amy in the middle of the arena. Lisa's hand shook as she looked toward the ringmaster
"Draw!"
Lisa drew her gun and leveled it on Amy's large left breast, but she didn't pull the trigger. Amy drew her gun and fired.
"Oooohhh!" Lisa screamed as she bent over with a bullethole just below her sternum.
Blam. Blam. Lisa fell back with bullets in her breasts and her eyes wide. Lisa was dead. Amy shuddered as she walked back to the table and threw her gun belt on it.
"And our final contestant of this tournament is the Queen of Hearts herself, Crystal Bernard." the ringmaster shouted.
Amy shook her head and mouthed the words "Oh no!" as her bleached blonde friend walked out into the arena. Crystal smiled at Amy as she picked up a crossbow.
"I always wondered what you would look like with an arrow in your gut." Crystal said as she threw the quiver over her shoulder. Amy picked her crossbow up and put the strap on the quiver over her shoulder.
"How can you be so happy at a time like this?" Amy asked.
"Don't you just love performing in front of a crowd?" Crystal asked.
"We're being paid to kill each other." Amy objected.
"Wrong Amy, I'm getting paid, you're getting a quiet little grave in the back of the colisseum." Crystal said.
Amy and Crystal both loaded up their weapons and stood ready to fire them.
"Begin." the ringmaster shouted.
Amy shook her head as she threw her weapon down.
"No! I won't do it." Amy shouted.
Thop. Amy's bright blue eyes widened as she looked at Crystal, then down at the bolt stuck in her belly. Crystal loaded another bolt into the crossbow and took aim.
"Good bye Amy." Crystal said as she squeezed the trigger.
Thomp. Amy let out a hiss as she spun and fell with an arrow in her left breast. Crystal didn't know whether the hiss had come from Amy's lung or her mouth, but she really didn't care. Crystal raised her hands in the air as she walked back toward the ringmaster's stand.
"Here you have her folks, the winner of the Celebrity elimination tournament, Ms. Crystal Bernard." the ringmaster shouted.
Twenty minutes later as the janitors were cleaning up the emptied and somewhat messy seats, the ringmaster and his assistant walked along beside Crystal toward the back exit of the colisseum. They walked out the door and Crystal shuddered. Just in front of her lay the twelve vanquished contestants, their bloody and torn bodies all lay in a heap.
"When do I get paid for this?" Crystal asked as she turned to face the ringmaster.
"You heard the lady, Cindy, pay her off." the ringmaster said.
The assistant pulled out a long dagger and stuck in Crystal's pudgy belly.
"I suppose we'll just have to find a new champion next year." the ringmaster said as a shocked look came over Crystal's face.
Crystal's eyes closed tightly as Cindy cut her belly open. Crystal fell onto the pile of contestants as her intestinal tract fell at Cindy's feet. Crystal was dead.