Posted by Barbanne on November 14, 2002 at 21:40:15:
PART FORTY FOUR
"Yes dear," Tired, weary, worn out by my endless demands.
"Do you think my upper arms are flabby? Girls arms get flabby and saggy as they get older and I'm getting older, yuck!"
"You could do weights dear."
"Hmmmm s'pose I could."
Yet another bed time discussion. God how does the darling boy put up with me.
My self esteem was plummeting and I recognised the start of yet another depressive cycle. I was fighting it by constantly seeking his reassurance that I was not ugly. Except that I knew I was.
I was booked to see Candice tomorrow and had decided to come clean with her in hopes of curing myself once and for all.
I also wanted that photographed coming together of the glock, a bullet in my breast and then my dead pussy and Alex's cock! I was thinking about it all the time and had done the outline script. I wanted it desperately but was a little bit frightened of raising it with him.
"Oh Alex," I sighed.
"Now Barb I'd like you to lie down over here."
"Hey Candice the full psych couch treatment."
"It will help you relax honey."
"Now Barb what's bad enough that you decided to come back to me like this? Previously I have had to hound you to come."
"Oh I don't know Candice its just that I feel like things are getting on top of me again."
"Oh I get tired and I can't motivate myself and I'd just lie in bed all day if I didn't drive myself out of it and I feel black and I know I'm ugly and I can't understand why Alex stays with me and the other girls are so pretty and happy and good at what they do and I'm just like a waste of space."
"What makes you think you're ugly?"
"Hah, look at me. And I'm getting fat and going to seed."
She sat for a while saying nothing.
"I'm useless too," I volunteered, "I have failed at everything I ever did and I am just crap." I turned my head towards her wall and looked at the framed certificates of achievement and realised she was successful and I was not. Tears crept into my eyes. I hated myself. And then I hated myself for hating myself.
"Barb your parents died when you were young?"
Oh shit I thought here we go with the old "it happened to me when I was a kid" crap.
"Yeah," I said.
"How did you feel when that happened?"
"I dunno, nothing I guess."
"Tell me about it."
"My daddy was a drunk, so was mummy and they just pissed their lives away."
"What made them drink do you think?"
"I dunno, they liked it I suppose."
"Was that all?"
"They said it was after I was born, mummy had trouble with me and then she couldn't work and they didn't have the money they had had before and she had to spend time with me they reckoned it was all my fault that life became hard."
"Was it what?"
"I dunno. I was a kid, a shitty little kid, what did I know about anything."
"But maybe it was your fault?"
"I dunno, maybe."
"Did you love them?"
"Sure, don't all kids love their parents?"
"Did daddy love you?"
"Did your mummy love you?"
"You suppose, you're not sure?"
"What? what is this?"
"Did daddy ever touch you Barb?"
My mind froze and I saw myself again as I was then. Tiny, frightened, knowing it would hurt and dreading it but not wanting to displease.
"Of course he touched me, don't all parents touch their kids, hold them walk them, all that stuff."
She sat for a long time. I said nothing.
"Did they punish you Barb? If you had done something bad?"
"Do you mean did they beat me. Hell yes they beat me, he beat me. I know you know. I know you have looked at my medical records. I know that you know that he beat me up so bad on my thirteenth birthday that I was hospitalised."
"And I lay there and I found my secret place and I curled up and lived there and no-one could touch me."
"What was it like? Your secret place."
"Dark and warm and safe."
"Where do you go? when you go to your secret place."
"Here," I tapped my temple.
"I couldn't stay there forever. The hospital people wouldn't let me. So I came back. The nurses were nice though."
"What happened after that Barb?"
Her using my name shook me and I said, "This is getting nowhere, I'm going."
"What happened Barb?"
"They took me into a court and then they took me away from mummy and daddy and I lived with auntie."
"What did your parents think of that?"
"Daddy drank more and then killed himself in the car and I never saw mummy again."
"Did that upset you?"
"Did you love them Barb?"
"Christ Candice! What do you want me to say? They were abusive parents, they were drunks, they beat me, he fucked me. Is that it? Is that what you want to hear? I hated them. They hated me. I don't know. Maybe they were right. I was useless, a fuck up, a fucking waste of space. I wanted them to..................I, maybe it was me, I've ruined everything else, maybe I ruined them too. I'm shit! I wanted them to, to........................ah shit!"
I was crying and I turned away from her and wept into my hands.
After what seemed a long time she touched my shoulder and turned me to face her and said, "Its not your fault Barb and you can't go on forever beating yourself up over it."
"I know Candice," I said, I bloody know, I keep telling myself that, but I feel so guilty, I feel so useless, I do fuck things up, I do ruin relationships and I'm just crap most of the time."
"That's not what Alex thinks."
"Alex should find himself a real girl who is worthy of him. He's a great guy, sweet, caring and just lovely."
"He thinks you're a great girl and he wants you badly Barb."
"Ooooooooh," I cried again.
"Do you love him?"
"More than anything, more than life itself."
"Then show him."
"Love him by loving yourself Barb."
"Oh Candice," I blubbered.
"You can do it babe."
Next morning, not totally convinced that my session with Candice had achieved much, but having promised to come back twice a week and talk it out, I woke to find myself cramped with period pain. This was another of my recurrent problems. Not content with having my uterus wall thicken and then break down every month after failing to be fertilised and flow out in the bloody flux known to all women as menstruation, my body got even this simple womanly process wrong and turned it into a choice between crippling cramps and early onset and flooding and generally disabling inconvenience. How many times had I had to ask other girls to check me from behind when I felt the sudden onrush of the blasted curse. How many days had I spent curled in a little ball holding a hot water bottle to my tummy. How many times had I passed out in public toilets and had to be revived by concerned women and then, red faced with embarrassment and brushing off their concerns, had had to limp home to my own solitary misery.
No wonder it is called the curse.
I managed to get up and hobbled out to the front desk and sat there doing nothing much.
Alex knows the signs and he came out and said, "Bad day Barb?"
"Horrible mate," I said, and then I said, "hold me Alex, just hug me. I need a hug very badly."
He enfolded me in his arms and said, "How'd it go with Candice?"
"Oh alright. I want it to work Alex, I really do. But just for now I am pretty low. Lower than a snake's belly as they say. Speaking of which mister snake is going to have to look after himself for a while." I tried a weedy smile, "or maybe one of the other girls."
"In their dreams," said Alex crushing me tight.
I sighed and just then Frankie and Roxie came through the door arguing about something.
Alex said Hi and then left. I turned my attention to the girls.
"What's with you two?" I asked.
"Ah we're having a disagreement about a bloke," said Roxie.
"Dooking it out over a boyfriend?" I smiled.
"Nah," said Roxie, "Frankie's got this feller and I keep telling her he's a shithead but she can't see it."
"You're just jealous," Muttered Frankie.
"As if," said Roxie, "Chas is one hundred percent turd."
"Ah shut it Roxie."
"Girls, girls," I said, "anyway why are you here today. Are we expecting you?"
"Just came to see what's doing, whether you've got any work coming up."
"I'd like to do a set with Chas," said Frankie ignoring Roxie altogether. "Wait until you meet him Barb, he'd be ideal for this."
"Oh give it a rest Frankie, get real. The man's a creep. Gold plated."
"I have got one set for a man and a woman Frankie. Would this Chas work on our terms?"
"Couples in a relationship work well often, we could give it a try."
"Shit Barb, you'll be sorry."
"Hey Roxie, it's not my best day girl."
"Got anything for me?"
"I will have next week."
"I'll see you then then. I'm off and don't let this girl talk you into Chas, he's a lowlife."
Roxie flounced out.
"She doesn't seem to like your Chas?" I said.
"She's jealous because he's a cocksman supreme."
"Wow, not that I could care less right now."
"Can you and Chas come in tomorrow? I could do it then."
"Sure, what time?"
"Around midday. We'll shoot all afternoon."
"See ya then."
She left and I put my head on my arms and lay across the desk feeling shithouse.
Frankie and Chas arrived the next day. I was feeling a little better but not great and had set up to shoot a set about a guy who strangles his girlfriend after a fight over her spending too much time in the bathroom.
When they walked in my first thought was, "I'm with you Roxie, this guy's a creep."
Chas was chunky, tattoed on just about everything I could see, you know, neck, arms, and all violent stuff with fairly misogynist overtones. His long black hair was greasy and tied back in a pony tail and he was a jerko in my humble opinion. When he opened his mouth it proved it. The man was a neanderthal. A shitto. Frankie seemed to love him though and hung onto his arm and his every word.
I took him up to meet Alex who was non commital but called me back as Frankie and Chas went downstairs and said, "Give him work this afternoon Barb and then get rid of him."
I nodded agreement.
Chas and Frankie did the set. He WAS tattooed everywhere and when he did the strangling bits he was really rough and at one time I had to pull him off Frankie who was coughing and gasping for air. They wrapped it up and I thought Frankie had looked good but I didn't think I would have wanted Chas back even if Alex hadn't said it already. Frankie, I noticed, needed another trim around her pubes.
I paid them and said, "Thanks guys. Frankie I'll talk to you soon."
"Catch you then Barb."
They left hand in hand.
Yuck! Talk about being judgemental, but really!
And on top of my manic mood swings for the time being, even my plummeting self esteem was reversing for a while.
I was obsessed by my vagina.
I had to talk about the set showing this wondrous part of me with Alex again. I knew what he'd say but I had to make him see my point of view. This tunnel of love, this magic carpet ride of desire, this muscular tube that opened at my vulval lips and travelled to my uterus. He had to see how important it was to me and to our shared fantasy. Normally sitting there collapsed into little folds it could open up like a sunflower to provide a curved, sheathed, envelope to receive his erection, his rampant cock! My clit stood at the entry to my opening like a little sentinel. A sentinel who was easily seduced into a hard hot little nub of excitement. And then he would be in.
His arousal would grow and peak into climax and an eruption of his hot, fertile emissions would crash into my vagina, into my secret slit and into ME!
Oh Alex it has to be.