Posted by Barbanne on October 24, 2002 at 23:34:56:
PART THIRTY NINE
I am a creature of huge ups and downs. No nice even level life for me, I'm either on a false high or I sink into an enormous black hole.
Against all common sense I had decided that this time I was going to succeed. This time I was going to fulfill myself as a woman and become a mother. Oh how I would love that child, how I would love and cherish my little daughter. I had decided she was going to be a girl, I knew that and I knew that with the help of Sibyl I was going to prove all of those doctors wrong and get myself with child. I had religiously taken the potions and nostrums and I had presented myself to Alex so often that for him it had become a nightmare and, I had to admit to myself, that even for me it was becoming a chore.
But when I had my little baby, my darling it would all be alright.
How I would love that child, how I would smother her with affection and endless love. Everything I had never had she would have. She would be the light of my life, the centre of my universe. I fell asleep each evening with her face in my mind.
So when my periods came flooding on I crashed.
At first I couldn't believe it, wouldn't believe it but as the dammed up tensions built and built and then broke and the crimson tide came like an accusation of my worthlessness I gave in to black despair.
I sank to the very bottom.
I hated myself.
Really really hated myself and admitted that I was good for nothing, never had been and never would be.
I was truly bad, contemptible, vile and trashy.
Trash that's what I was. Useless trash.
I sat at the front desk working on script ideas for future sets.
All I could think of was that the sets should show me and that I would be rubbish, garbage, something to be used and abused and then cast aside. A failure. A failed woman. Nothing, nothing at all and to be treated with contempt. I was rubbish........
I scribbled out a set.
In it I was the victim, an anonymous female who would be shown nude from the begining having nothing, not even clothes, to make her distinctive in any way. My conqueror would be a man, also nude and representing all men, the men who had failed me or so I saw it in my despair. They, I could hardly think of them as we, fight and the man uses all of his advantages, height, strength, speed and toughness to quickly batter the woman into utter submission and then he uses her body viciously and brutally.
I wanted that shown.
I wanted the camera to show her weakness in close up. Battered face, bruised breasts, vagina explored by macro lenses and then the brutalisation of her in extreme close up. I wanted it to show his cock entering her and pounding her into submission. I wanted it to be nasty.
Intellectually I knew this was a cop out for my own failures but on some primal level I wanted my body to be punished on film. Otherwise I would punish myself in some other way and that might not help me survive. By taking out my misery this way I hoped for absolution, but to achieve that it had to be rough.
I showed it to Alex.
He hit the roof.
Poor bugger he was trying to deal with my disappointment on his own level and my black despair had badly affected him and when he saw this he didn't realise it was intended as my catharsis and only saw it as what it was on the surface, nasty and dirty.
"Barbanne, this is rubbish. It's trash, its, its.......pornography. I've told you once I've told you a dozen times we have to maintain some professionalism. We make adult fantasies, not porn."
"I want to do it."
"And who would play the parts, the girl for instance? Which of our girls do you want to do this filth?"
"Me, I want it to be me."
"You!! Oh yes, why doesn't that surprise me. And what poor stud do you want to do the male part or maybe I should say parts."
"It has to be you Alex, you. I want that I should do this but I want you to be the one who shares the intimacy with me."
"Oh me, Oh intimacy is it, what I read here is porn, pure porn, fucking to use the right word. Fucking in close up."
He waved my script papers at me, "Maybe Larry, good old Larry, he'd be up for this, oh yes Larry would definitely be UP for it. Or maybe you'd like that new guy Rom!, he has no trouble getting off on you. In fact he fucked your foot last time."
"Don't Alex me, this is just filthy porno crap and we are not doing it!"
My safety valve blew.
"Ah get off your horse mate, all we ever do is fucking porn!"
"What!!! You think that, you believe that!!! Well what does that make you?"
Tears were forming under my eyelids but I was determined to stand my ground.
"Let's face it, you go on with your high moral bullshit that we are an adult fantasy site but we're porn merchants, that's all, porn merchants pure and simple and yes I am the queen of sluts, the porn queen!!!"
He looked as if I had hit him and I knew I had gone too far, but I wasn't about to apologise, too pig headed for that.
"If that's what you believe Barbanne then we had best reconsider our positions."
He turned and walked away.
I am not one to give up easily and this photo set had come to mean a lot to me.
I mean I even sort of knew I was obsessing about this but in my own mind I had come to believe that by submitting myself to this absolute, total, complete and utter degradation on film I would be confessing my worthlessness to some mystical higher power and I would be granted absolution. Hey this was crazy logic. I didn't even believe in god or anything and here I was placing my faith for a cure to my mental problems in some mystical bullshit. I had to be mad! But you know how it is sometimes, you know that what you are thinking is crap but you keep thinking it anyway. Its like your subconscious has taken over and gotten control of your logic. Hey I knew I was nuts but I wanted to go on with it.
I was obsessed.
I decided to wear Alex down.
"I haven't given up on that idea Alex, I think a really gritty set will gain us new customers, expand our base and show our competition that we mean business."
"If you're talking about that pornographic set you can forget it completely. Playdead will never do that. I don't know what possessed you to write that filth."
"We have to expand our boundaries, push the envelope, move into new fields. If we don't we'll stagnate."
"Barbanne if you're talking about your whacky idea of doing a set that shows actual sexual penetration forget it. Its never going to happen."
"Because I say never."
"Oh, you say, you say. Maybe you're not the best judge. I've spoken to Larry and Rom and they think its great and they're both eager to do it. They think it will make Playdead a truly adult site, sort of mature."
"Forget it Barbanne, just forget it!"
I gritted my teeth.
"Larry and Rom.........................."
Larry and Rom, yes, no doubt you are going to tell me that Larry and Rom can see your point of view. Larry and Rom think a set where they get to shag you while you lie there letting them do it would be a great artistic triumph. Is that it?"
"Well, they think...................."
"They think with their dicks Barbanne. They think getting a free root and calling it a photo set is the be all to end all. God woman let it be!"
"You don't understand. You won't let yourself understand. You're so friggin' wound up about a little sex being shown that you are acting like a brick wall."
I let it simmer for a while.
My depressions deepened. I went to see Candice and talked it over with her. She thought my idea was loopy but she acknowledged that it might help me. I decided to work on him some more.
"Now just don't jump down my throat."
"If this is about that porn garbage?"
"It is and it isn't."
"What does that mean?"
I swallowed hard and walked around a bit wondering how much to trust him with.
"I know you are darling. I've seen it growing day by day. I know how much you wanted to become a mother and I know it is hurting you. I wish I could make it go away but I don't know what to do."
"I think, ah, I feel so damned useless. I'm a failure. I can't even do the the thing that I exist for. I feel worhtless."
"And you think by submitting yourself to some sort of degradation that will make it better................ah, I see a lot now."
"Well, yes sort of."
"Do you really think that watching the woman I love, the pig headed and black minded woman I love," he grinned, "making an exhibition of herself with another man is going to do anything for me, or for you for that matter."
"I suppose not," I sighed.
"Then lets work out what will do something for you."
He opened his arms and I went to him and he enfolded me into him and I let myself slump, happy for the first time in days to have someone else to share my burden.
Dave's cock was erect and it was enormous, a rampaging pillar of flesh and it was angry at me and he was angry at me and I was nude and defenceless and cringing and he was nude and mightily aroused and looming over me and completely dominating my space.
Alex was filming us.
I sort of knew that in a peripheral way.
I shrank backward but there was nowhere to go and he hit me, slamming my head back against the wall and I screamed.
His fist smashed into my tummy and I folded up gagging. He crunched another blow into my nose and I reeled away.
I was screaming and the camera was recording my plight and this was the punishment I richly deserved.
Smack!!! The meaty sound of a clenched fist slamming into soft breasts.
Whack! Whack! Whack!
Blow after blow rained down onto my unprotected body and I shrieked in pain and humiliation while knowing all along that this was what I had to expect, had to receive, what I merited.
I was unworthy and this was my just punishment.
Bash, bash, bash!
I screamed and cried out and staggered about but the beating went on and on and on, relentlessly, righteously, my penalty for failure.
I was a failure.
A failure of a woman, a failure of a person.
The fists beat into my soft yielding flesh and I shrieked and shrieked and tottered back and forth and still they went on and then it was over. Over for me and my battered body, bruised and blackened and bloodied, slipped sideways and slid to the floor, dead!
He was on me.
Dave was on me, his rampant maleness hard, tight, glistening with leaking semen and marble like, as its veins throbbed with anticipation and all the time the camera ground on recording my demise.
He bit my battered breasts.
He pushed my legs apart exposing my mauled inner thighs.
His fingers found my labia and forced it aside, letting the camera invade the pink and glisteny, wet tunnel of my womanhood.
My head lay back, eyes swollen shut and mouth gaping open.
In extreme closeup his cock entered my mouth and disappeared down my throat, jerking quickly and filling my oral cavity with thick white cum. In huge and intimate detail his raging penis invaded my slit forcing its way inside my cunt and violating my flesh.
I lay beaten, bruised, battered, bloodied and dead while his cock defiled me.
Humiliated me. Debased me. Shamed me.
Over and over and over and...................................
I was thrashing around, my naked body drenched in sweat and tangled in the bed clothes.
I was being held down.
Someone was holding me down punishing me. I couldn't get free. I was going to die for my wickedness.
I bucked and twisted wrapping myself ever more tightly in the sheet. I was dripping perspiration and my eyes stayed shut and I cursed and writhed.
"Barb, Barb, Barb."
"Barb, bad dreams."
My eyes seemed glued together and I forced them open. Snot and tears mingled on my face, running from my nose into my mouth. I was saturated and shaking, soaked in sweatiness.
"Barb, Barb, nightmare darling."
"Oh Alex," my brain started to clear, "Oh Alex, that was horrible."
"What my darling?"
"Nightmare, nightmare, nightmare, oh god my darling you were right and I was wrong, hold me, please hold me."
And then I was crying, sobbing, wracked with grief and self pity.
He held my slippery, drippy nakedness, not quite sure what it was all about, while I cried my heart out onto his chest.
Poor bugger he didn't deserve to have me, there must be a zillion better girls, poor sweet Alex.
Somehow though I knew I was cleansed of yet another part of my multi layered problems.
I had a lot of making up to do for Alex.
"What was that about Barb?"
"Mental enema my sweetheart. Please kiss me."
"Kiss it better eh?"
"Oh yes, yes, please."