Posted by Attica on June 18, 2002 at 14:18:38:
All my resolve shattered in an instant. In the light of the small backroom sat a canvas cot, the blood donation equipment and sitting in a chair, a young woman. I stood in the doorway for what seemed like forever before she lifted up her head and spoke in a soft lilting voice.
"Hi. They said I needed to come back here. Said there was some kind of emergency?" She paused for a moment and took her hair out of her eyes. Her curly long red hair parted revealing two brilliantly shining green eyes beneath, her eyebrows reddish brown and her cheeks covered with light brown freckles. Her lips were bright red. She stood up, holding her arms crossed in front of her white blouse. As she stood she pushed the pleats of her jean skirt flat.
"Yes. There's been a terrible accident. Someone needs your blood right away so that they can live. We must hurry. Could you please lie on the cot? Have you ever given blood before?" I was moving into action, trying to concentrate on business, and not stare into her face and eyes, to not see her at all.
"No," she said, the tension in her voice evident. "This is the first time for me. Will it hurt?" She walked across the small room and then sat on the cot, slowly lying down. Her breasts flattened out as she fixed her skirt and pulled it towards her knees. Then she unfurled her back onto the cot, her bright red hair spilling out over the sides.
"It won't hurt much," I said, trying to keep my voice neutral and flat, trying to stay in control. I was opening up the blood donation equipment pouch, searching for two needles and insertion lines instead of the usual one. I found them, stuck them in my left hand, and then looked for four one-pint bags.
"She spoke again. "That's neat that I'm going to be saving someone's life with this. Don't you think so?"
"I stopped, frozen for a moment, trying to think of what to say, trying to think of what would sound normal in a situation like this. "Yes, you'll be very special to this person. Maybe they'll even come to meet you." I continued to stand over the bags, my hands working hidden in the canvas. I was busy splicing a catheter tube so that it would dump into two one-pint bags at the same time. It was the only way it could be done. I was quiet as I worked, first with one set of double pint bags, and then the other.
"What's your name?" she asked.
"Jacob," I replied, trying hard to hold back a flood of emotions.
"I'm Hannah," she said, shifting in the cot, trying to get comfortable. "Does this kind of emergency thing happen often?"
"No no, it's very rare." I looked at my hands. The bags were finished. On the end of each catheter tube rested two one-pint blood donation bags. I gave both of them a gentle tug and the tubing held firm.
"I was ready. I couldn't avoid looking at her anymore. I stood up over the bag, turned, and walked to the cot where she lay.
"God she was beautiful. I got lost in a moment in her green eyes, the dark green of the outside iris, slowly turning into a dark, and then a light tan near the pupil. I mouthed the words "I'm so sorry."
"Huh, what did you say?" she asked, looking concerned.
"Nothing, nothing. Just lie back and relax. I'm going to clean up your arms right now, so just hold still." I then took her arm by the wrist and laid it down near her side, the inner elbow exposed to the ceiling. Her wrist was warm and soft. Then I did the same to the other freckled, matching arm. I grabbed a bit of betadine and then rubbed it's red antiseptic in a big swirl with a cotton ball, staining the inside of her arms bright orange.
"She was watching me do this. When I got done rubbing the second arm, she looked up at me, those eyes and face looking at me with a worried look.
"It's okay, the orange color will wash off in a day. Until then you can tell everyone you saved a life," I told her. I caught myself gritting my teeth. I then faked a smile to put her at ease. She smiled back with a child-like innocence and lay back down.
"I felt so empty at that moment.
"I picked up the needles that were attached to the catheters. I then walked to one side of her and looked at her face, putting on that hollow, fake smile and talking with her. "This is just going to hurt for a second, okay? Ready?"
"She nodded back at me, her red hair flowing behind her head.
"I looked down and pushed the needle in gently, watching her bite her lower lip for a moment, her eyebrows crinkling, and then watching as the tension eased from her face.
"There," I said. "That wasn't so bad was it?" I then watched the catheter fill with blood from her veins. I held catheter for a moment and felt warmth radiating from the flexible plastic tubing. I watched as the blood snaked down eagerly toward the bags, gravity sucking the blood down like a hungry child.
"I then walked around her head, watching her face as she closed her eyes and relaxed as I did the second catheter in her other arm, she winced, then her face relaxed again, staring at the ceiling. She was continuing to look at the ceiling as she spoke. "How long do I have to lay here?"
"About 10 minutes I said. Just re...relax. It'll be...over soon." I was fighting back tears, wanting to tear out the tubes and tell her to run far away, but all I could do was stare at her. I stood there for several moments before something inside me moved me to speak.
"How old are you Hannah?" trying hard not to voice my sadness.
"I'm 21. You know, I thought this would be bad, but you know what? It's kinda peaceful." She closed her eyes and looked like, no, she was an angel. "I'm going to school at Fairbanks. I want to be a teacher. I've just started taking classes. It's dry stuff...mostly theory. I can't wait to get into the classroom."
"What grade do you want to teach Hannah?" I asked, feeling a heavy sadness as I watched the collection bags slowly fill.
"Umm...I think elementary school kids. They have a certain innocence about them that you just don't see in adults." Her eyes opened lazily, dreamily. "I'm a little thirsty for some reason. Can I have something to drink?"
"No," I replied softly. "Not yet. When you're done though. You can have some orange juice then." I looked at her face and forehead and noticed that a cold sweat had broken there, her forehead shining in the dim light. It seemed to put her at ease for while as she lay there like a breathing porcelain doll, her chest rising and falling quietly.
"I glanced down to check the collection bags. They were nearing half full. I looked up to see Hannah shivering. It was starting. She was going into hypovolemic shock.
"Ja...Jacob..I'm...really...co...c...cold...feel...w..eak...sleepy...", she slurred her words as her eyes opened, worry registering on her face, her eyes rolling around slightly before she found my face, she was having trouble focusing.
"I looked back at her face, it already seemed pale and bluer than just a few moments ago, the red highlights in her cheeks were fading to a washed out pink color. "It's normal," I lied. "People often feel weak for a moment after giving blood. Trust me."
"Feel..soooooooo weak...sh..." she murmured. Her chest was rising and falling a little faster and a little deeper, working harder to oxygenate her body as the blood continued to drain into the collection bags.
"Shh..." I said to her. "Just rest, it'll be all over soon...rest."
"Nn...nnnoooooo...someth...wrong....", she whimpered. Her eyes were darting everywhere, looking confused. Suddenly she tried to sit up. I surprised myself by finding my hand in the middle of her chest, pushing her gently back into the cot. I was surprised to feel the palm of my hand damp. Then I looked down, her blouse was soaked in cold sweat, sticking to her skin as I watched her breathing get even faster, nearly hyperventilating.
"Nooooshhhhhhh "Shhh." I said to her quietly. Her eyes slowly rolled forward, the frantic flapping of her eyelids slowed down. Her face looked confused and frantic for several moments, her head turning from side to side, her wet sweaty cheeks staining the sides of the cot. Then her face went slack, her cheeks sinking and her eyelids drooped. Then she jolted suddenly, her eyes flying open, her fingers gripping the side of the cot, then just as suddenly, her eyes started to droop again. "She was losing consciousness now, alternating between panic and nothingness. She jerked again, fighting the darkness, her lips trembling as she shuddered, her eyes open, looking around...then her eyes rolled lazily and her eyelids started to droop. "And the blood continued to flow out of her arms down to the tubing; the second pint bags on each side were filling now. I looked back at Heather, her face pale as her chest heaved every other second, getting tired as it tried to keep up with the blood loss. I grabbed my penlight and touched her face, it was wet and cool as I slowly pried open her eyes and shined the light in her pupils. The black center of her eyes closed up, the green irises racing inward, reacting to the light, and then bounced back, opening up again as I moved the light away and into the other eye. "I pulled back and stood by the cot, putting down the penlight and taking her hand and holding it in mine, caressing it. It was pale and almost translucent, the fingernail beds were palish blue, like the color of evening sky. I held it against my chest, watching as she stared at the ceiling, her eyes blinking very slowly as I watched her breathing become shallow and irregular, punctuated by deep gurgling sighs deep in the back of her throat. "I felt her fingers twitch as she shuddered again on the cot. When the tremors stopped, she took two shuddering breaths then stopped breathing. I gently set her hand on her sweat soaked stomach and grabbed the penlight again, checking her pupils. This time the green irises barely moved at all. It wouldn't be long now. I stood in silence knowing that her brain was dying, that everything she was, everything that she ever knew or ever dreamt of being was slowly being stripped away. "I felt numb. I looked down at the collection bags, nearly full now, the tubing carrying blood looking smaller. I took a stethoscope out of my pocket and stared at it and then stared back at Hannah. "I'm sorry. I have to do this. I have to make sure we get as much as we can." Slowly I took my hands and started unbuttoning the front of her wet shirt, slowly peeling it off of her sweaty skin and opening it down to her stomach, opening up a flesh colored V on her chest. I took a knife out of my pocket and then cut the small strip of lycra holding her brassiere together. Gently I swept my hand under each sweat soaked cup and moved them aside, revealing her now pale breasts, the freckles on her skin seeming almost black against the pale white skin. "Without saying a word I placed the stethoscope on her chest, pressing down hard to keep the diaphragm steady on her slick skin. It took several moments before I heard her heart beating. It was still strong, but the tempo was slow, slowing down even as I heard her heart dutifully pumping out her life. I looked at my watch, counting beats. 30 beats per minute. I didn't dare look at her now as I heard her take two snuffling breaths, still counting out her slowing heart beat. 25 beats per minute. They sounded so sad, like her heart was getting tired, beating in her, not wanting to stop. 20 beats per minute. I feel her shuddering on the cot again, her legs twitching, rubbing against the fabric. I hear her take a long snoring breath, and then another wet, gurgling gasp. I glance over and watch as her mouth opens and closes, her face blank and pale, watching as she gasps like a fish out of water. "I watch as her mouth slowly stops moving, her heart beating slower and slower in my ears. Hearing her heart laboring to beat, resting long periods before beating again, the beats slow and drowsy, watching her convulse during the moments of silence, as if her body is trying to will her heart to keep going. The beats getting slower, slower slower. "Then there is silence. I close my eyes and stand there silently, having just heard her heart, which had been beating for her entire life suddenly halt. "I opened my eyes. Her face was incredibly pale and covered with beats of sweat. The freckles on her face black. Her eyes were half closed and perfectly still, a small tear oozing out of the corner of her right eye. Her mouth was partly open, the brilliant red lips now a washed out whitish pink. "I took the stethoscope out of my ears and placed it on the table. I slowly removed the needles from her arms. As I did so a small pebble of blood oozed from puncture wound and rested there, like a reddish drop of wax. "My commanding officer came in walking quickly. I continued to stare at her and tried not to acknowledge his presence. "Is it done?" he asked, impatience and that trembling timbre of nervousness spiking the end of his sentence. "Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed, he looked down and saw Hannah, her eyes already losing their sheen and turning dull and glassy. A small wet stain was growing on her skirt, her urine staining the jean fabric from blue to black. "Yes, it's done," I replied, my voice slowly getting louder. "Here, here's your fucking blood. TAKE IT." I handed him the collection bags, they were still warm, holding the heat of Hannah's now departed life. "He looked at me shocked...then stared down at the collection bags in his hands. I watched his fingers move over them like squirming serpents; he felt the heat inside too. "He looked back up at me, a look of horror on his face, then he turned and quickly ran outside. I stood there for a few moments, listening to him order the driver to go, listening to the jeep start up followed by the low growl of gravel quickly spinning under a jeep wheel. In moments, they were gone. "I was still in a daze and I turned back to Hannah. Gently, I closed her eyes with my fingers, the eyelids stiff and unblinking. I whispered goodbye, grabbed her purse and then walked outside. "It seemed even colder outside now. In the distance I could hear the helicopters coming, the sound of UH-60 Black Hawk helicopters slowly filling the inky, star-filled sky. They would be bearing the President to meet up with that precious red liquid I had just killed for. I held the purse tightly in my hand. In a few hours this purse would be the only proof that Heather ever existed. Everything would be done to make sure of that. "So I started walking, taking the purse and stuffing it into my jacket. I walked a long way that night. I kept walking and...I never stopped."